A Peserverance in Genius

Who am I? Am I my name, my experiences, my status, my trauma, my pain, or am I just consciousness existing in this world, expressing itself how it in away it pleases to? Who am I? Is there an answer?

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Day 52 Relational Disorder

Relational Disorder is the topic of the day, yet presence is order in the idea of what the word means. True relationships are not defined by the measurement of terms. True relationships are not defined by thought, for thought exists outside of what you truly are, and to be in relation through thought is the division of togetherness. What it is, is truly existence here and now without terms, without boundaries, without needs, without wants, yet everything is fulfilled. That fulfillment is not rooted in ego, it is rooted in presence. Responsibility therefore does not become a term, it is simply a part of that presence. The classic line at the altar, “til death do us part,” is merely a term, an agreement, and society through thought, something outside of us, tries to make sense of what is internal within each center of consciousness, and some of those centers create systems for the masses through control. True relationships would simply arise and exist, full and whole, superficial and deep at the same time, yet not defined by any of it. It would be like the “I” as a point in time and space sitting on the bank of a river watching it flow, not trying to stop it, not needing to control it, just the happening. These streams of nothingness trying to make sense of the meaningless come from the confusion between order and disorder, where thought itself is disorder yet we treat it as order. When you look at the game of life, the game of relation, the game of “I,” you begin to see how much of it is built on that disorder. True relation is instinct, direct attention, like a mother to her child, not conceptual or defined but immediate, where a mother gives birth and in the natural unfolding there is direct attention, pure and unquestioned, and that is the real meaning of “til death do us part,” not as a contract but as an unbroken movement of presence in the eternal now. Even if the mother is no longer in the life of the child, the child remains an extension of her, nature continuing through her, and in that sense there is no death, only continuation. So then the question becomes whether what appears as opposites can find true relation outside of terms, because the moment thought enters there is fragmentation, the moment measurement enters there is fragmentation, and fragmentation is not wrong, it is part of the game, but beyond thought and beyond measurement instinct remains, and instinct is the true act, knowing through existing. So is there space for true relationship within the game, or is the search itself the thing that removes you from it, because presence is not something you strive for, it is what remains when striving ends, like enlightenment without the word, without the pursuit, without the idea, just this direct instinctual attention here and now forever.

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Day 51

The Surface of Depth

They say at the surface you cannot see the depths, and within the depths the surface begins to dissolve. I feel like right now, this positioning in time and space that I’m experiencing sits somewhere in the depths of awareness, yet still veiled by a kind of dreamlike superficiality, and what’s strange is that both feel safe, both feel right, both feel like they are the true experience unfolding. I let the feelings move through, I let the thoughts move through, and still there is that impulse, how do I stop them? But I know it’s not about stopping. I remember, even if just for a moment, thinking about stopping my thoughts, because in that moment there was something pure, something I would want to remain in, not this constant pull to control how I see reality, how I interpret it, how I label it, how I experience it, but instead letting it become something more direct, more immediate, more sensual, like earth, wind, fire, water, space, just the senses as they are without interference. There is so much at the surface, and that is what feels unsettling. When awareness sharpens, when you begin to see beyond the surface and descend deeper into what you’re living in, into this simulation, you start to realize how much is actually confined to the surface, and no matter how far you go, no matter how far you descend, you still perceive yourself as a drop, when in reality you are the ocean, and it is in identifying as the drop that the split begins, that is where the problems arise, where you separate yourself from the whole. Because in the depths, there is less than you expect. You would assume there is more, because the conversations around awareness, depth, and going beyond the superficial seem endless, layered with contradictions, dualities, and constant questioning, and they are, but in that back and forth, whether with yourself or with another consciousness experiencing this same existence, you begin to recognize something, that what feels vast and infinite is at the same time simple, singular, and clear in a way that does not require all the explanation. Right now, in this moment, I, whatever that “I” is, am experiencing something within this movement, deep in awareness, yet still holding onto a small impression of the surface, and in that small view, I can see the structure of it all, the conditioning, the patterns, the inherited tendencies, the need to fix things, to fix ourselves, to break generational cycles, all these constructs and abstractions that seem to govern us at the surface. And it’s not to say there is no depth at the surface, but the depth beyond it, like the core of the earth compared to its crust, is a completely different level of awareness, a different order of understanding that feels beyond language. This feeling of being in something I cannot fully step out of, like the walls are slowly closing in, feels tied to love, and also tied to this idea of freedom from the surface. So I ask, where do you exist in all of this? At the surface, in the depths, somewhere in between? At the very bottom or suspended in the middle? Is it easier to stay at the surface, is that where ignorance rests, or is the easier path actually going all the way down into the depths of awareness? Which one is it for you?

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Day 50 Bliss As Ignorance in Awareness 

Have you ever thought deeply about the saying we have all grown to hear in times where this idea of bliss is involved? A wise man or a therapist might say to you when you are becoming aware of something that

“ignorance is bliss,”

that is to say that not knowing is actually where bliss lies. So then what is the perpetual, constant obsession with being aware, with awareness and the whole idea around philosophy and the essence of life it involves? I think about becoming aware and at first it is like a lightbulb turning on. You begin to see the world differently, you start to understand different concepts from a depth that most in society cannot even discuss. And even if they could truly discuss it, nobody finds enjoyment in talking about depth, percepts, or the idea of abstractions. One reaches a point where becoming too aware becomes overwhelming, where the lightbulb becomes too hot, too much energy, too much information, that something has to give because energy must be expressed somehow. This begs the question,

“Can one be ignorant within awareness and find bliss there?”

To become so aware that the bliss in that awareness, in this human predicament and all its trials and tribulations, is not something you want to escape but something you enjoy fully. To find enjoyment in the worst sides of it. Is finding enjoyment even worth it since this presence, this existence, is “perfect” as it is? Awareness of all these ideas I have been pondering have left me at a fork in the road that has now led me back to the beginning of this journey. If knowledge is not bliss, where does awareness sit on this pendulum, for through knowledge one’s awareness expands and heightens? Is true bliss, and where it exists, only found on the surface of indulging ignorance? How can one that becomes aware return back to the surface level without putting on a mask? Awareness changes you. There is a sense of joy in seeing beyond the surface, seeing how shallow all this is, but is there fulfillment, true enjoyment in becoming aware? The ignorance one has in becoming aware, a level of self betterment, that sense of elevation some can see as arrogance, but it is merely separation. Seeing things below the surface and questioning society and its labels and conditionings gives you a sense that you are essentially above it. Is that the ignorance in awareness, looking differently at the surface, in a way wishing that you could go back to that bliss, even for a moment? The bliss of youth where existence simply was, without the need to understand it. Where does that live now in the depths of awareness, where is that bliss as awareness in ignorance?

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Day 49 Control as a Lack of Peace

One would think that if everything were under control—if all the parameters were set, if every contingency plan were in place, if life felt fully managed, then all that being take care of, that this would bring peace. Yet even with all of this, how could true peace arise when it is built on trying to control the unknown, the uncertainty of life, and everything outside of us? When we attempt to control nature and it’s unfolding eternal happening, we are already in conflict with it. Think about control for a moment and how it plays out in your life. Where do you truly have control? Do you control your mind? Can you truly control your thoughts…. the thought stream of thinking that simply appears and happens? When you sit in meditation, are you controlling your thoughts, or are you observing them arise? And in that observation, isn’t that where real peace begins? Isn’t that what meditation is pointing toward? Peace and control are not the same yet we believe outside of the abstractions and conditioning of meaning, they are pointing towards the same direction. This is why language cannot fully grasps reality because these two abstractions arise from entirely different perspectives. Peace truly exists in the moment simply happening—nature arising and existing as it is—without allowing what is external to dictate your inner state. Regardless of the inner state and its perception as to what that means, at its core nature is that peace. Control, on the other hand, is the attempt to impose your terms on uncertainty. It is a temporary way of disarming anxiety, heightening the ego, and preserving a sense of self that you so readily believe in. But there is no real faith in trying to control outcomes, internal states, or external conditions. If you examine this cleanly, where there is no faith there is no peace. We are taught to believe that power…. money, status, love, material possessions, or any ideal we attach value to will bring peace. Yet the opposite is often true existence. We see it around us in nations and regimes that promise peace through control and power, insisting that domination and missile launching on civilian infrastructure labeled as attacking the enemies will create stability. But history shows the paradox: in war there is the promise of peace afterwards, and in peace the seeds of war are often already forming beforehand. Control circles endlessly around itself like an infinity loop to nowhere yet collapsing on itself. There is no peace where there is control. Control is the symptom of a lack of peace. To release the need for control is to plant the seed of peace and begin watering it.

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Day 48 Rocks into the Uninterrupted Flow

“I am not present, what presence is, I am.” Anonymous

 Sitting beside the river, I hear how continuous it is, the sound each second the same yet different, and a childlike impulse arises in me to throw rocks into the water; it becomes a small contest in my mind. How far can I throw, where can I place it. Then ever so subtle suddenly there is a story, a measuring of time and space, a subtle “me” trying to shape the moment, yet inside the river there is no story at all. Each rock strikes and the water lifts from its steady rhythm in that specific spot, and for a moment, just a moment, the river is different, interrupted, reshaped, disturbed, but in that same instant it settles, the expression of impact dissolving back into flow, the current unbothered by its own disturbance.

How are we any different?

If all processes are one, then whatever this “I” is must also be that same flowing; the disturbance is never the problem, the holding is. Some rocks are small yeah the little grievances, passing pleasures, minor annoyances. They lift the surface briefly and fall into the current, while others feel like boulders the trauma, fear, identity, the stories we cling to. These in a way have the power to be appearing to stop the river entirely so that the water swells behind them like a natural dam, pressure building from what is not allowed to move, yet even a boulder cannot stop water; it will rise, it will go around,

it will dissolve what resists it, because flow cannot be stopped.

The swelling of unexpressed thought and feeling is no different. When resisted it builds, when allowed it ripples and returns to stillness, and even joy, even pleasure, is only a splash, for happiness is not a fixed possession but a movement within what is continuous. The river is never permanent in its form yet never absent in its being, ever changing yet ever the same, a perfect brilliant stillness not because nothing moves, but because nothing resists its movement, and sitting here I see that

I am not watching the river flow — I am that flowing.

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Day 47 Immediately One Lives

Seneca has a quote that touches everything I’ve been embarking on lately, pointing directly to the truth that the “NOW” we experience is the only realm we can truly know and understand. He writes, “The whole world lives in uncertainty—live immediately,” and Alan Watts grounds this idea in a way that is both perplexing and simple: “From memories you infer that there have been past events. But you are not aware of any past events. You know the past only in the present and as part of the present.”

What future are you waiting for?

What past is holding you back?

These are questions worth sitting with. We only ever experience this immediate moment; there is no running from that. It is the mind and ego that steal the essence and quiet bliss of it, pulling us into stories of the past or fantasies and anxieties about the future. The past and the future feel different emotionally, but they arise from the same mechanism: both are thoughts happening now. You think of the “past,” you dream of the “future,” yet both unfold in the present moment. When you truly consider that, it’s chilling—it reveals how much our mental constructions take us away from direct experience. Yes, we are wired this way; evolution built us to remember and to predict. These capacities can elevate us into reasoned virtue, but they can also paralyze action and numb us to the simple fullness of being alive. I’ve even seen this in my own dreams, revisiting where I grew up, chased by a larger-than-life symbol of a liger as what I believed I was escaping, only to realize that the story I attach to the past brings anxiety into my present more than I notice, quietly shaping a future I haven’t even lived yet. It makes the present less present and breeds resentment toward a life I think I should be experiencing. Action becomes hindered by thought—an intangible stream with no weight or location, yet immense influence. If thoughts shape reality, then consider the internal reality you cultivate: if you are consumed by what was or what might be, how can you be free here? If your attention is trapped in projection or regret, how can you experience the quiet bliss of existing? It is far easier to write this than to embody it, which only shows how powerful the mind can be. Living immediately is the true currency of wealth in a world conditioned to obsess over history and anticipation. Live immediately—there is no certainty promised beyond this moment, only action within uncertainty. The past is not a rite of passage you must carry forward; it does not exist now except as a present thought. From this now, action becomes clear and intentional. Don’t let abstractions replace action. The only place resentment exists is as a thought now, the only place anxiety exists is as a thought now, and the only place action has ever existed is here. Live immediately.

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Day 46 Eye Of The Storm

To be in the eye of the storm is real peace, because outside the eye — along its walls — there is chaos. There is calm when standing at the center of everything swirling around you. A kind of surrender within the uncertainty of what is to come. And when you realize that “what is coming” is itself an idea, you begin to center more deeply inside that calm — not trying to become it, but recognizing that you already are it. There is a reason this happens. When the quiet space within chaos brings clarity and vision, you begin to embrace it. A presence forms around what once felt like threatening walls, and you understand that the eye is not separate from the storm, and you are not separate from the eye. There is a resonance in the struggle. In the uncertainty. In the ebbs and flows of existence. Some may think that being outside the eye — outside the storm — would make it easier to prepare for what’s ahead. But that is just ego again. It is the attempt to control external forces. And in trying to control those forces, you lose peace with the space you are currently in. That is why the eye is different. It is the space that calms the nervous system. The breath that centers you when awareness returns to it. The eye is the way… and metaphorically, the inner eye is the way. The storm is identity. Conditioning. Labels. Perceptions. Beliefs. The avalanche of thoughts that feel like unstoppable torment. When you recognize this, you begin to understand what the eye is teaching you. The storm is just another label we create to make sense of the unknown — to explain destruction, to explain fear. Do not be afraid of the storm. Enter its center. There… in the calm, in the clarity, in the stillness… you find yourself looking at the storm differently. From the perspective of the eye, the storm is not only chaos. It is also the peace that reveals itself through it.

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Day 45 Purpose Comes After Presence

I think this phrase is revealing in the sense that it is essentially reversed when it comes to normal thinking. Everybody says one must have a purpose to live. Even reading A Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl really dives into the idea that people without purpose didn’t last or died off under the most inhumane conditions of the Holocaust. Reading that book, you can truly understand how the mind protects and hinders us at the same time, and how one’s thinking or thought processes emit outward and help determine the reality we live. But I want to take it a step further, or rather a step before, as to what presence before purpose really entails. This quote really sits with me right now because even if you find your “purpose” in life, there is a part of that which starts from presence. Even relating it to Frankl, the presence that came before purpose was not letting purpose grasp you away from the presence of the present moment. It is to say that presence and the immediate now are the true purpose, that finding wins and meaning in the forever now reveals that purpose. I think purpose, like many abstractions we believe are concrete and make us who we are, seems to bring us presence, but purpose itself can be conditioning and is not essentially reality. Presence through the senses, touch, and inner happenings brings us closer to the eternal bliss that is the moment. When we connect with that presence, purpose becomes heightened, yet paradoxically loses its grip, giving less power to the idea of purpose and more awareness to the process of actually doing it. The presence within, the ability to zoom out and see the self as conditioned, allows you to truly see what purpose is for you. It allows the free flow of who you are to be like water, finding purpose in all meanings and interpretations of this existence and the conditioning we live under. When you find that presence and do not let the mind and the ego control the narrative or the purpose of your life, you begin from a natural grounding in the present moment. Purpose comes after presence, since the present moment is the true forever — a complete reversal of the hierarchy of life, where purpose emerges from the embodiment of presence. Presence is the ground where purpose can give you direction. Presence is the soil. Purpose is the fruit. If you obsess over fruit without tending the soil, nothing grows. You stop trying to create meaning when you stop abandoning the moment in search of it.

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Day 44 A Man's Sovereignty

There is a subtle dynamic in many modern relationships that often gets framed as conflict when it may be better understood as misalignment. Qualities such as decisiveness, risk tolerance, and grounded direction can be deeply attractive. They signal capability and stability. That forward moving energy can feel certain and reassuring. As relationships deepen, however, those same qualities often require adjustment. A partner may ask for more emotional presence, attunement, or consideration. Without a stable internal foundation, those requests can feel like criticism of identity rather than invitations for growth. In response, someone might overcorrect by suppressing strengths instead of refining them. This is often where imbalance begins. Strength does not need to be reduced in order to mature. There is an important distinction between suppression and guidance. Suppression removes instinct. Refinement channels it. Healthy development preserves core traits while shaping them in constructive ways. A well grounded person can listen without losing themselves. They can adapt without abandoning direction. Emotional depth does not negate strength. When integrated properly, it enhances it. Relational awareness at its healthiest is not criticism or control. It is sensitivity and perception, the ability to recognize when something feels off balance. Yet repeated disapproval can erode confidence and respect, just as rigidity and dismissiveness can erode trust. The underlying issue is not men versus women, but immature expressions of traits on both sides. Boys and young men benefit from strong role models who demonstrate discipline, emotional regulation, responsibility, and leadership without aggression. Exposure to balanced examples of adulthood has far more influence than shielding them from any particular presence. At its core, mature masculinity is steady direction rooted in responsibility. It is strength capable of engaging with emotion rather than avoiding it. When refined, neither suppressed nor exaggerated, it becomes stabilizing rather than dominating. The aim is not to erase differences but to develop them responsibly. A person with a secure sense of self does not fear feedback. They consider it, integrate what is useful, and release what is not. Growth does not require submission, and confidence does not require hierarchy.I t requires self knowledge and balance.

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Day 43 Freedom

Freedom is the pure act of the here and now. It is the clarity and feeling of seated meditation. This “answer” is coming from a completely different view on the word “freedom”. Freedom is the spontaneous act we exist from and nature is. It holds all natures law and is according to it. Freedom is the manifestation of this existence. In the thoughts that arise, in the thoughts that don’t. It’s being able to look at any human constructs externally or internally with compassion… that is to say society and its conditioning and the ego and its chaos. It’s being able to act free of any notions of separation, where boundaries cease to exist, and oneness is not merely an idea but embodied. In a way then looking at it, with these systems and egos, we can never fully be free embody freedom. Unless….. The percepts being turned into concepts we cling to. We give these arising sensations identities which make them a concept that turns into an assumption of reality. Freedom would just be experiencing percepts as they come and go, free of the rest. We are not truly free. “Freedom” is a word trying to untangle itself in the most self-deceptive way. There is no freedom at the level of concepts and conditioning we exist in. But people turn ideas and opinions into freedom, as we are all centers of the universe from our purview. We think we are invincible, we think about becoming “concrete”, build technology to create progress, medical advancements as proof of control. One can’t be free under whatever all this is, society and conditioning. The freedom is the lie (opinion) each of us tell this center of universe we experience. Freedom would be for my example in this current moment waking up and not existing under a past story or trauma,  Freedom would be not walking by the bakery and being driven by the percepts of smell and stopping when I intermittently fast, just smelling how it feels and experiencing it without a story, freedom could mean expression in “vocation” without any care as to what happens. To truly be free is to be spontaneous without the thought of “having to be spontaneous” all while percepts don’t become concrete, and you’re grounded in action from a place of presence. The capacity for awareness, to hold every precept, every concept, every ego contraction, every cultural structure, all while not collapsing into them. Maybe you can only notice when you’re gripping to freedom and it’s in that awareness, that depth, you loosen. Not a forced loosened like oh shit I need to relax but sensed. Freedom is not something added to nature, it’s when the need to secure the nature external and internal within us relaxes. It’s knowing that all these words I write from the depths of my soul, are just form of that freedom. 

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Day 42 Constructing Detaching The Ego

Sitting here in the hotel room, just watching a construction site unfold, is quite exciting in this moment. Looking at the cranes and the sheer size of them, the ladder one takes to reach the top to control this machine with a stick the size of half a ruler is remarkable. All the people on the site—conversing, moving, refining textiles and tools all with one goal in mind. In the end, all this process and work is going to become something. This structure will last long after this moment, and they will be able to look at it and say, we worked on that day by day and created something. This thought has me thinking about all the construction workers tasked with building and how they look upon their work after the fact. The gratification one would feel from seeing something start from a pile of dirt must be rewarding. Social media has been that for me in this journey. In the beginning, the itch to consume and stay on it, to receive all the praise and status that come with it, was alluring, all the more especially when I knew I would receive it. But over these 42 days it has subdued. I’ve built something over that impulse to scroll and seek a new thrill. It’s more presence with the present moment. Not succumbing to that urge has definitely rewired how I think about it. The construction has become something deeper in terms of presence, in terms of existence in the here and now. Looking at this site you see how many systems and people it takes to build something of stature. In the same sense, you see how it’s not as many as you would think. That is to say, within our minds, within our reason, choice, and virtue. We often think we need a multitude of things to help us refine and retune our neuroplasticity. In a sense, yes, one must do the work. But in doing the work, it takes less force and strain than we imagine. The same with the construction site: the foundation crew sets it up for the next crew, the process overlapping, interdependent, continuous. This construction site, in the middle stages of its foundation, shows me that the mind—at its foundation, at its first and every grounding step begins with detachment from the ego and its hold. So that presence in the present moment can be built upon that very detachment.

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Day 41 Sit With Yourself

We are all lying to ourselves. We all think that this world is safe. In the search for control in the search for peace, we think that we can save ourselves and that idea will bring peace yet we’re always lost. We are always searching. We are always trying to make sense of it all— makes sense of the untenable side of this present moment and all this glory and what it means with regards to the past, the anxiety we have towards the future because we can’t focus on this present moment. This forever unreachable by the human mind in that in that state we turn to perpetual rumination. You become lost and disconnected from the self, distrust taking you away from your unknown sense of the nature within, but the unknown is the only thing we live under in this reality truly, is that dark a way of looking at it? It is your light to grasp at the fact that we think something outside of us can bring us peace, but can it really bring peace can it really bring us joy? Yes we are one happening, consciousness not separated yet experienced by the false idea of separation so obvious so revealing. The nature of everything has been lost. You forget to let natures run its course as that intelligence does. You forget to let nature exist how it wants to exist in this essence. We are not nature anymore. We are not the broad and vast products of everything that is around us —to have faith is to have faith in nature to have faith in the unknown that face it and to let go. How does one go about finding meaning in this life his or her purpose?— how does one find peace? Finding peace is in a way finding peace with the present with the forever aspect of this moment to not cling or to grasp it too tightly taking the life out of it… to just let go and let nature do the thing. Let nature take his course and don’t worry without sorrow, without guilt, without shame, without any form of clinging. If you find that awareness and rid out that aspect of control, you find faith. There is no faith in clinging, there is no faith in distrust.

Sit with yourself and ponder and see nature happening inside, sit with yourself and when you sit with yourself when you sit in that peace when you sit and practice that stillness, you sit with the essence of it all because you are it. The moment you realize within that everything is connected, everything has meaning and that everything is meaningless, something innate relaxes. The duality of the constrast of life full and alive. Sit with yourself.

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Day 40 Random Yet Revealing Question

If you woke up tomorrow and the problems you were experiencing now weren’t there what would that be like?

The problems I wouldn't be experiencing would be this lack of split within what I want to do and what I’m doing. It would mean existing in life without any actions that give rise to the ego and acting on the ego. It would mean being true to myself and understanding that innate gut intuition from within is there for a reason, and although it is not perfect, it is there to gain further clarity. These problems being mental have taken a toll on me psychologically, but knowing that this is not a fixed thing rather than a happening, something these tolls are existing through, gives rise to finding peace and safety within being a everlasting process as well. The problems not being there would mean a full undertaking in what it means to live by nature and its laws. It would not try to control the things external of the self in any way shape and form, and the things inside the control of the self would be all about creating a presence to live without separation from the all knowing energy within. 

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Day 39

Hypnotic Rhythm

“A life that is lived with fullest of peace of mind, contentment, and happiness always divests itself of everything it does not want. Anyone who submits to annoyance by things he does not want is not definite, he is a drifter.”

This quote out of the book “Outwitting the Devil” is hitting me deeply into my soul right now. It’s such a great quote, an in depth description of intention, and intention is what I’ve lost touched with over the years. Especially with this relationship and my partner. You cling out of duty, out of history, out of that love you once shared in the beginning. The change of it all and being split in a way of feeding the emptiness of emotional connection I felt through seeking pleasure and infidelity shows exactly where I am it. I had two chances to change my ways, to really live in that agreement regardless if we were married at the time of the two or not. This definite of purpose is something I’ve lost touched with when it has come to woman. The idea that certain ideas or duty type things are what give meaning to connection have skewed me in a way of not being true and living with the fullest of intention. Not wanting to hurt someone so you hide behind all deception, secrecy, lies, all while she feels something is off. You even throw a life boat out of starting therapy but that can’t stop this beast you’ve been feeding. Ever so escalating and ever so thrilling, yet still devoid of definite of purpose. The resentment in loving this person that has constantly not chosen you to make you not choose them to trying again, and questioning the connection time and time again, pours oil on that smoldering fire of abandonment that lives inside you. Being vulnerable enough to love them fully, wanting to never feel that sensation or hear those words of abandonment fill the space of this love. Yet they do time and time again, crossing that boundary to the point there isn’t one, only the horizon of how much shame, disappointment, and fear you can feed to make me love you more. The trauma of it all thrilling the range of emotions interpreted as connection. This is how it is essentially because this is how we seen how it works in our childhoods. It is hard to accept that “the one” is not the one. That going against your intuition in the beginning of it all, to add to the uncertainty of not trusting your decisions and gut feelings that you once had to cut this off yet nothing else felt like this so you reached for it again. Just to go through this all over again, this time with much more pain, much more hurt, and hurting them in a way that they will remember forever. Not wanting to drift though that uncertainty anymore, that thrilling range of emotional trauma leading the dance, presence feeling like duty, not wanting to hurt them through abandonment because you do love them. You know you failed and you know someone else can love them better than you can, and meet them at the level they are at. All the things they are and “bring” to the table things you find hard to find in someone else. Especially the sexual intimacy of having only 3 partners in 33 years of life. A person who followed you across the world and sacrificed everything even though it was at first out of overcoming the sense of insecurity financially they had, which is completely understandable in this day and age. Yet somehow being pitted against that always leaves this feeling of it being conditional. This hypnotic rhythm you want of presence, resonance, coherence, congruence all being based off the energetic safeness of calm and vulnerability. But that means letting go, and divesting itself of human being that it loves. There is no higher duty than that one owns to himself.

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Day 38

Uncomfortable Stillness

This is a saying people return to whenever they face tension, pain from exercise, emotional hardship, or life itself. Tough times don’t last, tough people walk through the fire and come out anew. It’s something like this and we repeat it so often that it becomes familiar, but familiarity is not embodiment. To live a truth is different than to quote it, and to experience it is different than to understand it. Right now, walking through the fire of infidelity and the collapse of a commitment I once made, I am no longer dealing in theory. The reality I lived in, balancing lies like stepping on eggshells across a thin beam, has shattered. The energy it took to stay quiet, to keep balance, to manage deception, and to survive without trust created a constant vibration of fear and anticipation. That vibration fed itself and grew into a storm I pretended I could control. But in this space of transparency and of no longer feeding those impulses and desires, something unexpected has happened. Clarity has risen from discomfort. Not peace yet. Not ease. But clarity. And I want to stay here in it. I want to feel the fire and let it sit inside me, not so I can suffer, but so I never forget what brought me here. I do not want to gloss over it or romanticize it. I want this discomfort to become my reminder every second and every moment of who I intend to be. I want intention guiding my decisions and guiding how I treat people exactly as I wish to be treated. The ego wants exception. It wants its cake without giving cake. It wants forgiveness without responsibility and admiration without alignment. But truth does not resonate that way. You either live what you preach or your words become hollow echoes that attract nothing real. This uncomfortable place has become a mirror and a return inward. It forces me to confront what I want and what I must transcend. Not by rejecting the darkness, but by integrating it into something useful, something honest, something disciplined. And maybe the path there is simple, though not easy. To respect the discomfort while it lasts. To let it refine me. To allow it to shape me into something more aligned. Not as punishment, but as transformation.

[creativeo1e]

Day 37

I failed. All the things I said I would do I didn’t. All the 13 things I said I would do in August I didn’t. I really did treat the one person that has chosen me time and time again that bad, and it goes to show that I am not in the right space to be committed. But it being real and having to deal with the emotions, the shame, the guilt, the pain of everything I’ve done is traumatic. She is right to want to leave. Reading what I wrote in August I didn’t hold my end of the bargain and I tried to white knuckle a problem that only grew. That only escalated. Therapy didn’t work because he was on my side. He didn’t ask me the tough questions and I still hid behind my ego in all this. I think about all those moments and how yes they brought me pleasure but it was so temporary was any of it worth it, did any of it have meaning? But she’s doesn’t deserve a man like me only because I can provide financially. That is not the only thing that is required for love from man. I beat myself up for staying in a place out of comfort and not out of real love. And I’m sorry for wasting 18 months of her time that she will never be able to get back. I chose this I chose these actions against being committed and faithful. This is who I am. I have to accept that I have to admit that to myself and from here move forward, this time more intelligently being more transparent and vulnerable with people I can see a potential connection with. It’s ever so more important that I do that. As men and my peers we all want our cake and to eat it too. But that is just a recipe for disaster, a time ticking bomb that will go off at some point. The truth is nature laws and will set you free. Free of the mind, free from the ego, free from the suffering, free from the guilt, free from the shame, free from the sadness. It’s all in the ego. The ego and the choices I made didn’t take a woman that was wifey material seriously, treating her with the respect that she deserved. I failed. But I am not a failure. I will be better the next time I feel a love like that. I will live up to the commitment and what that means. I will let the intention drive in each moment, each choice, each fork in the road where I can go two directions.

[creativeo1e]

Day 36 The Thai Massage of the Mind

Part 3

Finishing with the neck. Swift, rhythmic motions moving up and down, releasing the tension built from all the trigger points that made you brace and tighten. It feels as if the entire process has been leading to this moment. The tenderness here is different here, softer, more manageable. You can sit with this pain. She stretches the neck side to side, undoing the pressure she just applied, letting space return where resistance once lived. Then comes the back and the stretching, and the rotations. The arms now lifted, moving freely as you’re guided into a seated position, your spine cracking open. It feels like those extensions of you, these arms, have always been flung by forces outside themselves, pulled and shaped by things you never fully controlled. The cracks release what the pressure could not reach. The deeper tensions. The traumas still hidden beneath awareness. Back to the back again. Tapping with the side of the hand puts you into a quiet trance, bringing the experience full circle. A calm settles in not from comfort, but from completion. You made it through. You feel new, but not untouched. Changed, but not erased. And in the mind, what does that feeling mean? Is it pleasure born from pain, or pain finally understood? Is it relief, or is it recognition, in the realization that you can stay present while discomfort exists? The mind doesn’t feel light because the trauma is gone. It feels light because it no longer needs to run from it. The tension did not disappear. It softened. The memories did not vanish. They loosened their grip. The mind learns something the body already knows. That the resistance is heavier than pressure, that avoidance hurts longer than endurance. In that moment, the mind stops trying to escape itself. It stops chasing relief and begins to experience acceptance. Not surrender as weakness, but surrender as awareness. A knowing that pain does not define you, but your relationship to it does. You are not calm because nothing hurts anymore. You are calm because you have learned how to stay when it does.