The Cronk of Higher Education

The after hours playground of CronkNews.com. Humor, crazy education news, satirical inspiration, cute animals and lots of other professional development.

[cronknews]

Student Returns from NASA Internship to Learn He’s Unqualified to Staple Handouts

“My supervisors at NASA gave me excellent evaluations. I suppose they just didn’t understand student development as well as my work-study supervisor does.”

Staglen College junior Marquis Rivers returned from a semester-long internship at NASA this week excited to return to his work-study job in the Career Development Department.

“I can’t believe how much I learned!” said the 4.0-GPA physics major about his time at NASA. “After my initial orientation, they put me on a team to help develop the next generation of computational algorithms for rockets. I was working side by side with some of the most brilliant scientists in the world and they treated me like a real partner.”

Tara Matthews, the chair of the Career Development Department, was thrilled to have Marquis back on campus.

“We’re so excited to have Marquis back in the office,” said Matthews. “We really missed his special smile. Some of the staff here are getting ready to put him through out new training program.”

“Marquis, like a lot of students, said that he’s eager to learn how to help run the best office possible,” said secretary Mona Langram. “I started out by explaining to him that at his developmental level, he is not prepared for the type leadership he envisions. Sometimes he forgets that he’s just a student, but it’s really rewarding for me to educate him about his learning abilities.”

“I was anxious to help everyone get their work done so I offered to staple some of the hundreds of handouts my supervisor needed for a big open house,” said Rivers. “Mona told me I needed to go through a probationary period before I would be ready for that kind of task. Once I’ve proven that I can show up on time for six consecutive weeks, they’ll increase my authority level so I can make photocopies.”

“Stapling requires a lot of discipline that students don’t realize,” said Langram. “Handouts are distributed to hundreds of open house attendees and we need to make sure the staples are uniform. Last year, some of the students asked if they could help talk to groups of incoming students without any adults there. It was crazy. At least Marquis is setting goals that are more realistic for someone at the undergraduate level.”

“My supervisors at NASA gave me excellent evaluations and noted that I was one of the most dependable and accurate interns they’d ever had,” said Rivers. “I suppose they just didn’t understand student development theory as well as Mona does.”

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Student Returns from NASA Internship to Learn He’s Unqualified to Staple Handouts was originally published on The Cronk of Higher Education

[cronknews]

Extreme Eco-Activist Demands Tax on Vegans for Gas Emissions

“That looks like a whole lotta gas…”

Members of the newest, most radical environmental activism group EcoXism, founded at Converdancy College, have taken aim at a new enemy – vegans.

“Vegans like to sit on their high horse, saying they’ve chosen an eco-friendly lifestyle, but it’s a lie,” said EcoXism founding member April Glamyre. “They emit more toxins into the environment any other eating groups.”

According to Glamyre, the all-vegetable diet of vegans produces carbon dioxide and methane, both of which harm the environment.

“They’re killing the earth,” said Glamyre, who says she created EcoXism when her participation in the Students for the Environment League and the Undergraduate Vegetarian Society felt unfulfilling. “I’m not alone in my crusade. EcoXism is a small but vocal group committed to change.”

“We wish April the best,” said Freddie Travers, president of the Undergraduate Vegetarian Society. “We found her approach to everything so adversarial and not-so-scientific we had to gently ask her to leave, but I’m sure her heart is in the right place.”

“It’s just a big clique,” said Glamyre of the other clubs. “I’ve found people who have been socially ostracized really appreciate an ability to connect and fight for a good cause. Just because those other clubs like each other and do good work doesn’t mean they’re better than me. My farts are better than theirs and I’m ready to prove it.”

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Extreme Eco-Activist Demands Tax on Vegans for Gas Emissions was originally published on The Cronk of Higher Education

[cronknews]

For Some Club Athletics, Penultimate Frisbee Is All They Can Take

by Con Chapman Lifestyles Editor

“Our team doesn’t indulge in frivolities like matching uniforms,” says one millennial athlete. “We prefer to be recognized for our individual specialness.”

WORCESTER, Mass. It’s a beautiful fall day in this, the second-largest city in New England, and students at Hall College relax on the quad in cool temperatures, watching the school’s Ultimate Frisbee team playing the squad from nearby Worcester State College.

But on an adjacent greensward another group of students has found a happy medium between strenuous exertion and laid-back vegetating. “I’m pumped, but I’m not that pumped,” says sophomore Aidan McReady as he casts a baleful look at the sweat-stained jerseys of the Ultimate Frisbee players.

McReady and his cohorts quit the Ultimate Frisbee team because that sport, once hailed as a countercultural alternative to rough collegiate games such as football and basketball, has become highly competitive in ways its inventors never contemplated.

“Dude—chill,” says Mike Adamick, a fifth-year sophomore as Ultimate Frisbee player Todd Firke stumbles into him chasing down an errant throw. “You should try Penultimate Frisbee—it’s slightly less ultimate.”

“Penultimate Frisbee was devised so that guys who were nominally cool didn’t get all bent out of shape over a stupid plastic disc,” says team coach Malcolm Starr. “Any time things threaten to get too intense, we stop play to smoke a joint.”

The term “penultimate” means “next to the last,” and players in the new sport go at it at less than full speed to keep the game in perspective, according to Ray Mittleman, Commissioner of NEPUFA, the New England Penultimate Frisbee Association.

“We’re seriously unserious because there are more important things in life than throwing around an aerodynamically-supported amusement device,” he says after his team calls its fourteenth time-out in the first half. “I mean, you would never want to hurt your arm so bad you couldn’t drink beer after a game.”

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For Some Club Athletics, Penultimate Frisbee Is All They Can Take was originally published on The Cronk of Higher Education

[cronknews]

NCAA Lauded for Creating World's Most Incomprehensible Rule Book

by Anselmo Atkins Freelance Writer

NCAA President Mark Emmert announced the completion of the organization’s first-ever completely incomprehensible rule book for the upcoming 2015-2016 season.

The “Rubixcon Project,” started by Emmert’s late predecessor Myles Brand, sought to create a rule book that combined all the rules for Divisions I, II and III into one tome. During the editing process, the rule book itself appeared to gain sentience and purposefully worked to make itself as confusing as possible.

“Administrators in athletics departments have told us about the complexity of our rule books for years,” said Emmert at the unveiling. “Anecdotally, we had a lot of evidence that we had the most incomprehensible rules in the world, but we wanted that status to be definitive. We committed to creating a rule book so large and complicated that no one could possibly navigate it, thus giving us the ability to sanction ‘violators’ at our smallest whim. Eventually, every school will be a part of the rules community.”

The new rule book is 53,048 pages long and weighs in at nearly 200 pounds. Most of the type is set in 9 point text, with some footnotes printed in type as small as two point. In addition, two critical pages on eligibility are presented as “microdots” with entire pages’ content reduced to a point the size of a pin.

“For certain areas, we had to ensure that no one could possibly discern what our intent or exceptions were,” said executive editor Ellen Piawoty. “For our most complex policies, we felt the content couldn’t be obfuscated enough so we simply shrunk the text size to the smallest possible.”

“The microdots were a stroke of genius,” she added.

Other sections of the rule book were carefully rewritten by taking the existing text and running it through a language converter that changed sifted the English through Bulgarian, Azerbijani and Thai before reverting back to English. Piawoty said the resulting text retains a hint of the original intent.

She cited an example from rule 11.01.3.1. “The old rule read ‘The compensation or remuneration set forth in Bylaw 11.01.3 shall be charged against an academic year.’ The new triple-translated version reads  ‘The change or counting leave the city law of God 11.01.3 the number of times for one year.'”

North Clarke College compliance officer Tod Morris said that the new rule book was perplexing, but that it would actually make his life easier. “There is no point in trying to enforce anything anymore, so I am not even going to try. Even their mailing address is listed in what I think to be Farsi.” he said. “The positive thing is that the book is large enough for me to rest my feet on, which will really help with the gout.”

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NCAA Lauded for Creating World’s Most Incomprehensible Rule Book was originally published on The Cronk of Higher Education

[cronknews]

Man Claims Sighting of Fabled Learning-Oriented PhD Candidate

Higher education scholars scrambled this week when a man reported seeing a doctoral student who spoke of her course work with enthusiasm and even applied the learning with her job. Scientists immediately dismissed the report, stating the creature described went extinct decades ago.

According to Ben Savviche, the man who claims to have seen the enthusiastic PhD student, the sighting was a complete surprise.

“I was scrolling through my Twitter feed like usual and I swear I saw a post saying, ‘Loving my PhD classes! I can’t wait to apply this new theory to the class I’m teaching,’” said Savviche. “I did a double take because I couldn’t believe what I was seeing! I tried to take a screen shot, but by the time my hands stopped shaking, the PhD candidate disappeared.”

“This is very unusual, but not unprecedented,” said anthropologist Bill Owens. “There are times when social media users claim to have seen engaged PhD candidates among all the usual threads of ‘I’m so tired,’ ‘I’m so broke’ and ‘Number crunching is really hard.’ So far, none of those claims have been substantiated.”

“Not true!” says Nedra Murphy, an administrator at Mount Saint Francis University. “I saw a colleague at a meeting twelve years ago who suggested – in front of a whole committee – that we implement a best practice she had read about in her recent PhD homework.”

What happened to the committee member?

“As soon as she realized I was paying attention to her, she slipped away,” said Murphy. “I never saw her again, but I know what I heard.”

A group known as the Loch Ness/Bigfoot/Engaged-PhD Tracking Society meets one weekend a month to try to gather evidence of the legendary beast known affectionately as DocSquatch.

“We spread bait on Twitter, like ‘I really like what I’m learning, what about you? #PhDcandidate’ and ‘What cool things are you learning that could help our profession? #DocGrads,’” said tracker Cate Stiller. “So far we haven’t gotten any bites, but we’re not giving up.”

“If DocSquatch truly exists, this PhD candidate would be terrified of coming out of the wild,” said Owens. “All of the stock candidates fighting to be the most exhausted or deepest in statistical hell would immediately tear the throat out of someone who says they love education.”

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Man Claims Sighting of Fabled Learning-Oriented PhD Candidate was originally published on The Cronk of Higher Education

[cronknews]

Campus Introduces 10-Step Streamlining Form to Improve Efficiency of Every Task

Administrators rejoice! Four Flags University has introduced a new tool to help staff members work more productively. Human Resources employees piloted a new form staff can use to track their task management so each employee follows the exact same process to achieve 100 percent efficiency.

“The 10-step S.T.R.E.A.M.L.I.N.E. process eliminates the necessity of staff members thinking for themselves and creates an automatic measurement of success,” said Louellen Tippett, who developed the form after realized her colleagues had different ways of achieving the same goals. “Now we can all perform like a team!”

We obtained a copy of a sample form submitted by one of the beta testers last year. See below.

“We can’t wait to share the form with other universities so their personnel can benefit from our great work,” said Tippett. “Next year, we hope to create a streamlined staff training program to eliminate the inefficiency of individual departments giving specialized education.”

                        Feel free to download and use for your staff!

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Campus Introduces 10-Step Streamlining Form to Improve Efficiency of Every Task was originally published on The Cronk of Higher Education

[cronknews]

Adjunct Hunger Strike Fails. No One Noticed the Difference.

The National Adjunct United Coalition (NAUC) ended its hunger strike this week when leaders realized no one had noticed.

“We had 300 part-time faculty participate in the campaign this semester, and we’re devastated that their efforts were fruitless,” said NAUC President Samuel Gayle.

“I teach at six local colleges and I can’t afford health care,” said Patricia Willis, an adjunct who participated in the strike. “Between my commute, office hours and grading, I used to be able to grab an apple or sometimes a peanut butter sandwich from the vending machine to get me by. I thought this strike would bring attention to my working conditions, but my department chair said I’d always looked sickly.”

“I had to pay out of pocket to see a doctor after I quit eating,” said Andy Hawthorn, who teaches six Intro to Algebra classes for four different universities each semester. “She told me I was healthier now that I was starving because the sodium in my all-ramen diet had been on course to give me heart disease.”

“I thought a hunger strike was such a good idea when I heard it at a Ghandi Problem-Solving Institute workshop,” said Gayle. “I really believe in non-violent ways to raise awareness. All we did was increase our adjuncts’ hydration, which made them better off than before. We need some fresh ideas for the coming year.”

“I’ve offered to light myself on fire,” said adjunct Jennifer Previtz. “Unfortunately my cubicle is in the basement of the maintenance shed. I don’t think anyone would find my body for years.”

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Adjunct Hunger Strike Fails. No One Noticed the Difference. was originally published on The Cronk of Higher Education

[cronknews]

Professor Lavishes in Small-School Version of Prestige

by Con Chapman Lifestyles Editor

MANKINSVILLE, Georgia. Walker College here is known as an academic backwater, so the announcement that Professor Ted Gomes won a McNiece Fellowship was cause for celebration. “It’s not a prestigious MacArthur Fellowship, but it’s a start,” says the college’s president, Orel Fundy, Jr. “A MacArthur is worth $625,000 and certifies that you’re a genius. A McNiece means you’re pretty smart and you get $35,000.”

Gomes is a specialist in comparative literature, linking the verse of different nations through textual analysis. “My main focus is Elizabethan love poetry,” he explains as he looks anxiously at his watch. “‘Love gave the wound, which will bleede,’ and all that jazz,” he says with an awkwardness that is dispelled when two vacuous young women in Juicy Couture enter the room.

“That’s me,” he says. “The rest of my department doesn’t know how to teach classic literature in a way that engages real students,” he adds as Dean Morton Weiner, a bespectacled man in a shabby blazer, approaches with a look of concern on his face.

“Are these–women–friends of yours?” Weiner asks nervously.

“My name is Candi Jeugar,” one of the young women says, extending her hand. “I’m in Dr. Gomes’ Sexuality in Poetry class.”

“I’m Tiffani Branch,” says the other. “I’m Ted’s T.A.”

“Didn’t I see you at freshman orientation?” Weiner asks suspiciously.

“Yeah,” says Branch. “Professor Gomes says he sees something special in me and we spend extra time together prepping for an interactive class.”

“He’s the only professor who respects us like adults,” adds Jeugar. “He’s like a teacher and a best friend at the same time.”

The group enters the oak-paneled faculty lounge where members of the college community have gathered to honor one of their own. Gomes looks at the buffet with distaste: “Cheese and crackers? Pigs in a blanket?” he sneers at Weiner. “I win a big prize and this is it? Store-brand liquor?”

“Kinda cheap if you ask me,” says Branch as she pours herself a shot of vodka and uses a toothpick from an hors d’oeuvre to remove hot dog from between her teeth.

The risks inherent in “no strings attached” grants become apparent as Gomes calls from his cellphone to order pizza. “I’ve never had $35,000 to play with in my life,” he says as one of his “students” feeds him a slice of pepperoni. “Did they expect me to spend it on new leather elbow patches for my tweed jacket?”

As Gomes dives further into drink his tongue is loosened and he waxes academic. “There are parallels between the Elizabethan Age and the Age of Disco, which ran from 1973 until 1979, when an anti-disco riot erupted in Chicago,” he says in a professorial tone that seems fitting for a professor. He gets up on a table to demonstrate some of the dance moves he perfected as an undergraduate at NYU, and adds some impromptu disco-Elizabethan poetry as he gyrates:

She likes to party, she likes to disco She likes to boogie down from here to San Francisco. Ask not how long my love will last, For in the asking we make love past.

This travesty is too much for the Chairman of the English Department, Merlin Mattoni, who rushes over and demands that Gomes get off the furniture. “He has no boundaries as an educator or a human being, but attracting a dynamic, revenue generating professor to our rural area is almost impossible,” he whispers in shame.

“Fine,” the prize winner says as he climbs down, but before he exits with his mentees a thought occurs to him. “What’s the poem by Yeats?” he asks, recalling the last two lines of “The Scholars“: “Lord, what would they say/Should their Catullus walk that way?”

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Professor Lavishes in Small-School Version of Prestige was originally published on The Cronk of Higher Education

[cronknews]

WTF Happened to CronkNews? Confessions from a Satire Editor

In March, 2015, The Cronk of Higher Education’s elusive editor-in-chief Leah Wescott all but disappeared with no explanation. Everyone who works for a college knows there is plenty of work to do without having to worry about satire, but we were curious where CronkNews.com was headed. Is this the end?

We sat down with Ms. Wescott to find out why she went AWOL and what we could expect from the Cronk in the future.

Leah, thanks for sitting down with us.

LW: Thank you. I owe everyone a big apology for jumping ship without any communication. My explanation is mostly awful but there is a more profound element to it, too. As I say that, I already feel ridiculous. You can judge for yourself.

So, can you tell us – where did you go?

LW: My slide started in January when I started a new day job. It was every satirist’s worst nightmare. Some might call it tragic. As soon as I walked into my new office, I loved every minute of it. Even worse, my new colleagues were unbelievably competent. They are really really good at what they do. Those assholes gave me nothing. I got home each night exhausted by meaningful work and intellectual challenge and I was rewarded with absolutely no new material to draw from as a humorist.

Wow. We had no idea how bad it’s been for you. I’m really sorry for giving you grief about going away. It must have been pretty painful being so happy all the time.

I appreciate your support. I’m still trying to adjust to the healthy environment. At the same time, I was also going through a bit of a soul search at the same time as my career life became so fulfilling.

In a religious way?

Yep.

Really?

Really. This is not satire. Since I’ve been so blessed with my new situation, I’ve paused to ask myself about my motives in writing satire. Right around the time CronkNews celebrated its fifth anniversary last summer, I was putting my vacation reading list together Out of nothing but curiosity, I decided I would give the New Testament a try. I hear people quote it a lot but I’d never read it myself. I wondered about all the vitriol and fear that’s spouted and wanted to see for myself what it was all about. I read it cover-to-cover like a novel.

This really isn’t where I thought this interview was going to go.

I know. It’s a little weird, but it really impacted me. Jesus was so cool! He was so down to earth and patient. I didn’t read anything about who we’re supposed to persecute until after he died (four times in a row, as it turns out). Using the Bible as a textbook on leadership theory, I was curious how satire would hold up to the message to love my enemies.

Uh oh. Are you telling us you’re quitting the Cronk and becoming a Christian?

[Laughs] No. Not at all. If anything, I feel more humble because Jesus was such a brilliant satirist. I don’t know all the books and chapters, but there were times when his wry humor with the Pharisees (the know-it-alls who took the rules and themselves very seriously) sounded like stuff I’d love to publish in the Cronk. When Jesus told his disciples to quit lecturing and try parables that were more accessible to listeners I knew that for at least one world religion, I was in the clear. I write parables.

Jonathan Swift was the Dean of St. Patrick’s Cathedral.

I’m not planning to become a nun, if that’s what you’re implying. This summer I’m reading all about the Buddha. Instead of asking myself whether a satirist can be a good person, I wondered if I could still find material when I’m trying to stay in the present – where problems can’t exist.

So what happens now? You have divine inspiration but no material?

Interestingly, the divine and the satire came together one day this spring, around the time I was questioning whether to pull the plug on the Cronk. One of my colleagues was incensed by a decision that had been made at work. In her rage, she asked me, “Have you ever read the Cronk?” I was stunned. “The Cronk of Higher Education,” she explained. “It’s a satirical…” she went on to explain my own publication to me and then said that her situation reminded her of an old Cronk story – one that I had written that I didn’t think many readers had appreciated. I felt like that was a sign to buckle down. There is plenty of material and voices that need to be heard. I just have to quiet myself to hear those stories.

Are you finding things to write about?

This summer, I sat down on June 5 – the day I started CronkNews six years ago and started from scratch. I threw away my old list of story ideas and wrote five pages of new headlines. For the past month I’ve been plugging away at writing enough material for CronkNews to run weekly throughout the school year.

Give us some details.

August 3, the Cronk presses roll. Later this fall, to feed a different heart’s desire, I’ll offer some online classes that feed a different part of my soul – the work of actual change. I hope there might be others who don’t just want to poke fun at what’s wrong but to do the more risky work of challenging a powerful, broken system.

@LeahWescott @CronkNews

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WTF Happened to CronkNews? Confessions from a Satire Editor was originally published on The Cronk of Higher Education

[cronknews]

Campus Introduces Graduation Ceremony for Every Class Year

After protests from campus freshmen, sophomores and juniors, LeClair College has voted to celebrate graduations for each different class year every single year.

“I don’t know how they didn’t see how unfair this was,” said freshman Amanda Borrelli, who is credited with starting the petition that led to the change. “I’ve had a graduation every year – from preschool through my entire education. LeClair expected my parents to show up to pick me up this year with no bouquet of flowers!”

“I was the keynote speaker at my little brother’s sixth grade graduation this year and I suddenly realized I had been at LeClair for three years and I hadn’t had a single ceremony myself,” said junior Keith Musch. “I knew something felt wrong when my parents came to move me out each spring, and I finally realized it was the emptiness of not packing a cap and gown.”

Student protestors staged their first march outside a presentation given by human rights activist Chen Guangcheng.

“We had a big-time speaker talking about humility and social justice that was supposed to draw a big crowd,” said Borrelli. “We were thrilled to have such an influential visitor because we could harass a lot of people coming through the door.”

“Yeah, this was a real issue of equity,” said Musch. “I’m sure this is the kind of thing the speaker was talking. We want the same human rights as every other student.”

“I’m surprised we never heard from Mr. Guangcheng,” said Borrelli. “Hopefully he’s using us as an example of how activism can really bring important social change. Next year, I think I’m going to start a movement to add orientation activities for every class year. We get all that special attention in the fall our first year at the college, then nothing but a big nothing when we come back. Our college really doesn’t understand dignity.”

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Campus Introduces Graduation Ceremony for Every Class Year was originally published on The Cronk of Higher Education

[cronknews]

Campus Rejoices. SC Flag Provides Another Chance to Deflect Attention Away from Its Own Racism

Administrators at Letchworth State University in rural New York breathed a sigh of relief this summer as a national debate over South Carolina’s display of the confederate flag on its state house grounds have given them a chance to deflect attention away from their own racial tensions.

“We’ve contacted the directors of athletics and campus transportation to urge them to announce boycotts of South Carolina as quickly and loudly as they can,” said Human Resources Director Janet Condon. “The tension over our dismal diversity numbers in recruitment of both the student body and faculty was starting to get attention, but this is a great chance to delay action.”

“We were worried that issues of insensitivity on our own campus were going to escalate but South Carolina’s flag issue is such a blessing,” said Director of Public Safety Juanita Condon. “We had hoped that the Religious Freedom Bill legislation in Indiana would have enough traction to keep us on the politically correct side of history, but that issue came and went way too quickly.”

According to Letchworth State’s student Reddit page, racial tension on campus is real and pervasive. Anecdotal reports of faculty bias and peer-to-peer discrimination are regularly featured in posts. Results of Letchworth’s student responses on national engagement surveys support the perception that the general climate is unsupportive of non-majority community members.

“Any opportunity we have to be indignant is an opportunity to celebrate our superiority,” said Letchworth President Frederick Anderson. “I’ve written an inspiring speech to read at convocation next month that will set the tone of how unracist we are for at least the coming semester. That Baltimore trial just can’t come soon enough.”

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Campus Rejoices. SC Flag Provides Another Chance to Deflect Attention Away from Its Own Racism was originally published on The Cronk of Higher Education

[cronknews]

University Slows Pace of Orientation to Allow Students Ample Time to "Reflect"

Penn State-Butler’s new model of staff training for orientation counselors is getting attention from around the nation. In response to faculty pressure, PS-B hopes to set a new standard in allowing students an appropriate balance of learning and personal reflection.

“On of the biggest complaints we receive about our orientation program is that we keep students too busy,” said Director of Extracurricular Learning Peggy Garrett. “The students get tired and don’t have a chance to embrace the life-changing learning they’re experiencing.”

PS-B will pilot the reflection model this fall in hopes of presenting conferences sessions about the success next spring.

“It’s pretty great,” said Orientation Counselor (OC) Matthew Kolcharno. “We go to a few workshops during the afternoon then have the whole night to party and we get to sleep in the next day.”

“I highly prefer the new model,” said freshman Cherie Esher. “I’ve already gotten invitations to ten fraternity parties! My friends at other schools have to go to ‘healthy’ activities at their orientations, but I’m going to meet the upperclassmen and get my first experience with a kegstand.”

“It’s undeniable that the student staff has embraced the learning potential of this new program,” said self-appointed orientation consultant, Professor Doris Botens. “A few concerns have been raised by local neighbors about the decision to eliminate organized social activities during the evenings but we can’t let the negative anti-change brigade dictate our learning outcomes.”

Professor Frederick Wiley agrees.

“We’ve been told that colleges that don’t provide enough safe activities at night during their orientation programs have more students in danger of date rape and alcohol overdoses,” said Wiley. “I say, treat students like adults and they’ll act like adults.”

“What do I hope to learn in my personal reflection time?” pondered Esher. “That’s a deep question. I may need to skip the afternoon’s training workshops to give that some more thought. The hot guy from Sigma Nu seems like just the right person to talk it over with.”

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University Slows Pace of Orientation to Allow Students Ample Time to “Reflect” was originally published on The Cronk of Higher Education

[cronknews]

Six-department Battle for Use of "Journey" Program Theme Rages On

Administrators from six different departments at Constantine College have called a temporary truce to their battle for the right to call their fall programs a “Journey to ___.”

“We need to go home for showers and food, but the war isn’t over!” said orientation coordinator Willow Ivans. “If anything is a journey, orientation is! It’s the journey from high school to higher learning. The symbolism is obvious.”

“Give me a break. Metaphorically, a journey should be full of learning and challenge, not playtime at camp,” said Dean of Philosophy Bradley Russell. “The new liberal arts curriculum ‘A Journey through the Life of the Mind’ is substantial. It’s intellectual. It doesn’t work without the word ‘journey.’”

“We’ve used ‘journey’ since ‘Glee’ premiered in 2009,” said student activities director Margaret Eecher. “Our a capella groups have sung ‘Don’t Stop Believing’ for the last twelve pep rallies and our concert committee has tried for three years to invite Journey to campus. Our student leader ‘Journey to Engagement’ training has earned the right to ‘journey’ more than any other group at the college.”

The Constantine Counseling Center provided trained mediators for the six departments vying for the rights to ‘journey,’ with no success.

“We tried offering other ideas, but every group was convinced that ‘journey’ was the only word that captured the uniqueness, creativity and innovation of their program,” said counselor Marianne Nunn.

Volunteer arbitrators from the Constantine Law School have now offered assistance, but four of the departments have rejected arbitration as an option.

“Arbitration would create winners and losers, and we don’t believe in that,” said conduct officer Sharmini Wahl, from the team promoting “Journey to Justice” for the title of the new student handbook. “We believe in restorative practices in which everyone else would apologize to us for the delay. Arbitration would eliminate that option.”

Public Safety has called in reinforcements “in case things get really ugly,” said campus police chief Rodney Burrows. “We saw this happen in 1996 when everyone thought they couldn’t live without ‘Exploring Your _____. Let’s just hope we don’t see any casualties this time.”

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Six-department Battle for Use of “Journey” Program Theme Rages On was originally published on The Cronk of Higher Education

[cronknews]

Executive PhD Program Streamlined to Spare Wealthy Enrollees Pesky Paperwork

Lord Tennyson University (UTenn) has announced a curricular enhancement to ease the process of its students earning their terminal degrees.

“We’ve always promised a streamlined process for our students, who are usually executive-level administrators lacking the technical credentials that match their level of ambition,” said program coordinator Nate Friar. “We’re talking about university VPs and deans whose enormous talents put them in positions in which they couldn’t realistically do academic work at the same time.”

According to Friar, UTenn previously offered a one-year intensive PhD program in which an executive’s current work experience counted toward course credits. Students paid an extremely large tuition fee and provided proof of their learning through writing papers.

“That just seemed excessive,” said Friar. “These are important people! We realize they couldn’t possibly have time for bureaucratic nonsense like exams or research projects. We need these types of people out in the field, representing UTenn with distinction.”

UTenn’s new program, which was piloted successfully last year, offers a convenient paper-writing service for which students can pay an additional fee in order for the ghost writers to follow them around and reflect on what they think the executives are learning.

“I deeply value my UTenn experience,” said President Chauncy Anderson Vanderbilt III. “Someday I hope to visit the campus and see what it looks like so I can say thank you and choose a building to name in my honor. I’ve always had money and power, but until UTenn blessed me with its program, I never had an education.”

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Executive PhD Program Streamlined to Spare Wealthy Enrollees Pesky Paperwork was originally published on The Cronk of Higher Education

[cronknews]

Non-Alcoholic Campus Dance Clubs See 2% Increase in Losers

The National Association for Campus Activities (NACA) released new data this week indicating a promising increase in attendance at non-alcoholic college dance clubs.

“In our efforts to decrease student drinking, our Wednesday Night DJ Mixer had a nice boost in numbers,” said Director of Student Events Evie Merkel from Portland Maine University. “We restrategized this year, moving the DJ Mixer from Fridays to Wednesdays and our attendance did just what we’d hoped.”

“We kept our Friday Night Holla Fest on Fridays, but moved the hours to 7:00 to 9:00 p.m.,” said Campus Events Coordinator Derek Glover from Mother Madre University. “The late night hours didn’t attract students, and frankly the earlier time is more consistent with our staff’s philosophy of self-care.”

“I love the DJ Mixer, no matter what time it is!” said regular Maureen Givens. “I don’t drink or anything immoral like that and it’s an event that attracts people like me naturally. I was hoping to meet more people there, but they’re probably busy studying.”

“I’m not too good with girls and I heard women more in my league hung out here,” said Holla Fest firsttimer Abe Strothers. “It’s pretty laid back and there are no jocks or frat guys here to compete against. I’ll probably come again.”

“We haven’t gotten our results from this year’s alcohol use survey to know the real impact of our program,” said Merkel, “but we’re positive we’re going to see a big decrease in abuse. Numbers can’t be wrong.”

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Non-Alcoholic Campus Dance Clubs See 2% Increase in Losers was originally published on The Cronk of Higher Education

[cronknews]

Professor Andy Yu Nohu Yooahr Seeks Counseling for Paranoia Disorder

Renowned astrophysics theorist Professor Andy Yu Nohu Yooahr sought psychological treatment this week for acute paranoia disorder.

“I’m not ashamed to seek help,” said Yooahr. “Mental illness has never run in my family and I’ve never had any problems before so I hope this is something I can tackle head-on.”

According to a statement issued by Yooarh’s publicist, the professor began to sense that someone was out to get him as soon as he accepted a new position in administration last year.

“He swears that he was named and blamed for numerous departmental and institutional problems at each staff meeting he attended,” said the publicist. “To his knowledge, he has not been involved in any such problems, and he even approached the meeting facilitator directly to ask whether he had done anything wrong, but each time he was told everything was fine. Still, the accusations persisted.”

Colleagues have expressed concern about Yooarh’s over-sensitivity.

“Andy is a brilliant scientist and reliable administrator,” said meeting chair Fenola Hale. “Even if he were doing something wrong I would never ever call him out by name. I never confront anything directly. I don’t believe in that sort of belittling style.”

According to Hale, the media have overreacted to Yooarh’s condition.

“Not all the news channels are to blame. Just a few that I’m too kind to say,” said Hale. “And…”

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Professor Andy Yu Nohu Yooahr Seeks Counseling for Paranoia Disorder was originally published on The Cronk of Higher Education

[cronknews]

Campus Puts Budget Request Moratorium on “Anything That Could Break”

A new requirement for capital budget requests may be just the answer John Quincy University has been looking for to eliminate its fiscal woes.

“I noticed that we have many items on budget requests redundant with items I’ve seen in previous years,” said VP of Financial Affairs Thomas Whedon. “Repeated requests for furniture are the most troubling. How many times do we need to replace tables and chairs?”

“I support Vice President Whedon 100 percent,” said Coordinator of Equipment Acquisitions Luke Jenner. “I’ve maxed out my resources, always ordering the cheapest, lowest quality equipment I can but we can’t afford to buy more when students will just break what we buy. It’s not a sustainable model.”

“From now on, I will deny every budget request for an item that could break,” said Whedon. “I’ve already turned down capital requests for beds for our new residence hall, desks, chairs and windows. Until our students show that they are responsible adults, we will keep acting as responsible administrators.”

“I was the one who broke the sofa in Bruno Hall,” said junior Willis McJames. “I was reading my Neolithic History book and leaning against the wooden arm when it snapped off. Under the veneer, it was just sawdust. I don’t think it was meant for a grown man to sit on.”

“I broke two of the legs off the table in the lounge of the honors hall,” said Daniela Wooster. “I used to host a group tutoring session there every Wednesday and we’d put the tables together. The first time, the wheels on the table broke. The second time, the legs splintered and fell off. I’ve brought a table my parents bought at WalMart to the sessions the last few weeks and they seem to be holding up better.”

“I’ve spoken to our chief disciplinarian to demand a crackdown on negligence,” said Whedon, but I’m afraid I may have to have the same conversation with Human Resources. “Last week it came to my attention that one of our professors broke a stapler. If that rumor turns out to be true, harsher measures may be taken.”

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Campus Puts Budget Request Moratorium on “Anything That Could Break” was originally published on The Cronk of Higher Education