@cynicallyabsurd - Tumblr Blog

YOU 🫵 can amass a friend group of childless people in their 30s as long as you pull from these 3 demographics

Queer freaks from the internet

Highly-educated weird women

Gamer men who became adjusted and compassionate in their 20s but still are not comfortable recognizing this in themselves so they’re putting off dating in order to play the horse girl gacha game

smolspacemaus

o(ooh)de to a puppygirl

let me feel your whiskers, puppy.

let me stroke your darling fur, be it soft, coarse, silly, wiry, fine, dense... it's absolutely perfect. How well groomed you are!

your paws fit so nicely in my own, I love the prints you leave. Sometimes you jump on me and can be a little rough, but I don't mind-- you're still such a good girl.

more than anything, I want to know your every whimper, to understand each pleeful glance. Perhaps, if I'm lucky, we can make each other pant.

foresteeyes

i think love is stored in nighttime conversations and “did you eat yet” and books left outside your door and “i waited to watch this with you” and splitting something in half to share and “im proud of you” and folded towels and “you can pick” and heads on shoulders and “you’re right, that was shitty. im sorry” and knocks on doors and “DINNER!” and stupid jokes and “hey i got this for you” and coffee made just right and… there are so many ways people say i love you silently every day over and over again if you only listen

storyweavingspider

There are many downsides to severe disability but nobody ever talks about the “get covered in warm gooey slime by a hot nurse” aspects

storyweavingspider

It’s like when your dentist is a hot woman only like 5 years older than you and you have to be Normal about someone beautiful shoving her fingers in your mouth and scolding you/praising you for your dental hygiene

Like ma’am I’m trying so so hard to be professional as a patient here but unfortunately I can only make this sound LESS sexual with effort.

calxlac

I have to go for yearly heart ultrasounds cause of some prescription drugs I'm on for life.

EVERY TIME it's a (different) hot male nurse who does it, and by "it" I mean lying me on my side, smearing my chest and stomach in lube and sitting behind me, practically spooning me while he presses the probe against me.

it's uhh a lot

haemoerotic

It’s literally our moral duty to eroticize dehumanizing medical procedures.

There is a brutal and dispassionate older woman slowly pushing needles into my flesh, telling me not to move or I’ll mess up the results, and then shocking me through the needles. She’s bored, I can tell, and I’m trying so so hard to be a good subject for her, fighting against my most basic animal instincts to stay still and docile and compliant. Afterwards, she tells me I did such a good job, and the enthusiasm in her voice is almost believable.

There is a beautiful tech with the deepest eyes I’ve ever seen strapping me down onto a table, making sure I can’t turn my head even a little bit. The machine clunks and hums around me as he sends me into it, translating my body into data and form. I’m completely immobilized, which is a relief because it means I can just give up control of my body, surrender the small field of vision I have left to close my eyes, and just listen to his voice as he walks me through the steps he’s taking to see all the way into my organs.

There’s a woman roughly my age, maybe a few years younger. She’s nervous. She forgets to turn on the machine before she lubes me up, has to change gloves to turn it on and laughs, high-pitched, when I tell her if she wanted more time with my shirt off she could have just asked me to dinner. Her mentor is standing over us, quietly guiding her through the steps. He doesn’t see me, just his student and the tools and the material she’s working with. She pushes the probe up under my ribs, grinds it against the bottom of my ribcage in a flash of pain, murmurs a quiet apology in my ear. Her hands are shaking a little. I tell her she’s doing a great job; she flushes a deep red. She points out the flutter of my aortic valve with something like wonder in her voice.

And you’re telling me I’m not supposed to be into this?

storyweavingspider

crunchbuttsteak

Butch positivity post for

💖butches who take estrogen 💖

💖Butches who use she/her pronouns exclusively 💖

💖Butches who voice train💖

💖Butches who get laser hair removal/electrolysis💖

💖Butches who get breast augmentation 💖

💖Butches who get facial feminization surgery 💖

💖Butches who get orchi💖

💖Butches who get vaginoplasty💖

💖Transfem butches in who do none/any/all of the above.💖

You are seen, you are loved, and you are no less valid as a butch or as a lesbian.

muffinworry

Hey don't cry, okay? We just found Attenborough’s long-beaked echidna, a species thought to be extinct for the past 60 years.

anonbeadraws

a personal comic about haircuts and being queer and not realising your body isn’t really yours until you buy a pair of hair clippers That’s my experience anyway

✨(commission info)(kofi)✨

l3que-blog

(The relate- I love this)

Honestly, I was told my long think hair looked nice, and nice down too. But I never really come to terms to that in just myself feeling the words not really, true in a way? But I like to have nice short hair. A style that fits who I am:3

orion-archives

"I want to be a dragon."

havingapoemwithyou

make out sonnet by F. Douglas Brown

soyalexnajera

FUCK DISCOVERY HERE'S THE 4 SEASONS OF INFINITY TRAIN

majorasfemme

lesbianism as shown by @sweatermuppet

kotabutch

being dominant about consent

“you will tell me if something makes you uncomfortable.”

“can I touch you here, sweetheart?”

“would you like me to think for you for a bit, smart girl?”

“i will always take care of you. you can put your trust in me.”

“tell me your color, or i will stop.”

“tell me with words, or i will stop”

majorasfemme

the women of america were once promised that butch dykes would be lurking in all corners of society, ready to corrupt our minds and turn us all gay. what ever happened to that. where are the butches uncle sam.

butchqueersapphic

“Dykes and Their Cars” by Chloe Sherman

teaboot

how could you like the colour yellow

see a therapist immediately

I actually used to hate it! Like, actually despise it! Yellow was too bright, too loud, discordant, unruly, and clashed with everything. Nothing like what I wanted in my life, nothing I wanted to be.

When I first moved away from home, everything I owned was black. Jet back. As black as I could get. Smooth, cool, sleek, discrete, calm, unassuming. Flexible, cohesive, agreeable black. Fashionable black.

I had a really, really bad time. Unrelated to the decor. It was my first year out of a toxic place I'd grown used to my whole life, my first year acknowledging a mental illness I'd believed to be normal, my first year fending for myself with very little money or sleep or companionship.

I'd grown up on instant white rice and unseasoned ground beef. One day I realized that everything I'd been raised on tasted like cardboard. While out on an assignment, I passed a tent with a woman selling spices, and bought myself some turmeric. I went home and tried making curry with it. It was so yellow.

Another time, my professor took us out to a modern art gallery. I wasn't sure what I was expecting, but when we got there, the whole building had been painted bright sunshine yellow.

The artist's theme was "happiness".

What it is. How we make it. How to share it.

All bright, lovely yellow.

The house I grew up in was beige. The walls were white. The appliances were post 9/11 stainless steel. My job was to be quiet, compliant, presentable and agreeable.

Black goes with everything. Black is neutral. Black is quiet, reserved, elegant and mysterious.

Yellow is warm. Yellow does what it wants. Yellow tastes sweet and spicy and hot and cool, like a summer breeze, like sunflower petals, powdery like dust on a long dirt road and soothing like well-worn linen.

I still like the look of black. I like the look of most colors. But I like the way that Yellow makes me feel.

Do you understand?

raspbrrytea

Thank you to everyone in the notes sharing why they love yellow!

equalistmako

every time i listen to “you’re a mean one mr. grinch” i can’t help but sit there and think “what did the grinch do to hurt you?” because dude just stands there for 2 minutes and 58 seconds and drags the grinch into the dirt

damianmcgintleman

he stole christmas, kayla! stop with your #notallgrinches propaganda!

equalistmako

you know what if someone told me i was a three-decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich with arsenic sauce i’d probably be bitter enough to steal christmas too

prokopetz

Interestingly, though The Grinch Who Stole Christmas is narrated by Boris Karloff, the big musical number is sung by the late Thurl Ravenscroft - an American voice actor better known as the voice of Tony the Tiger.

My headcanon is that the Grinch and Tony the Tiger had a bad breakup, and “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch” is the resulting breakup song.

snickerslizard

Did this really HAVE to be the first thing I see when I opened up Tumblr?

prokopetz

Yes.

iguanamouth

star-spangled-jackass

oh god theres art

tediousfeline

@altadude you know what must be done.

altadude-deactivated20190418

lesbopsappho

ive been avoiding reblogging this honestly but just. What the fuck. What the fuck tumblr

magickspills

I apologize to all my followers for this

watfordwallflower

if i had to read this you do too

quinintheclouds

I have a hate-hate relationship with this

theepitomeofamess

………

anony-phangirl

Good grief… I’m sorry, but I can’t not reblog this…

broadwaytheanimatedseries

Tis the season bitches

theresneverenoughfandoms

DAMN IT WHY WOULD YOU BRING THIS BACK YOU HEATHEN

logan-exe

Why is this on my dash?

princeanxious

…..I’m.. Bothered? by the fact that I’m not bothered by this.

randomslasher

You’re not bothered?? I’m not only not bothered, I’m freaking invested. I’m having actual empathetic sadness for The Grinch. I want them to go into couple’s counseling. I want the “ten years later” when Tony visits Whoville on business and meets the reformed Grinch whose heart has grown 3 times its usual size. I want them to reminisce over a shared dinner of roast beast and wine, then spend a drunken night together, then realize that maybe things are different and people really do change. I want a 3-act story where there’s a long dark night of soul searching and the realization that maybe we’ve all got a little bit of bad banana with greasy black peel inside us, but that doesn’t mean we can’t make a damned fine banana bread if someone will give us a chance.