cyrk

˗ˏˋ꒰𖦹｡☄️⋆°✰꒱ ˎˊ˗

[cyrki]

im like bella swan except im ugly and nobody wants me

[cyrki]

when youre hg talkin bout sum "noo ur so pretty" but ive literally had no one express any romantic interest in me my whole life

[cyrki]

anyone else so awkward it genuinely hurts💔

i have literally zero awareness of social rules and standards yesterday i was out with some new friends and i kid you not i went "im afraid I'm making you awkward" and if it wasnt awkward already i made it hella awkward then good job cyrki, good job✅✅

[cyrki]

lost weight so i could fit into a new pair of jeans i thrifted one size too small, now my favourite jeans are too big

[cyrki]

>go out for food with a guy and a mutual friend

>we're seemingly both interested in eachother

>we order food

>cute stray kitty meows at him for some meat

>he grabs a water bottle

>dumps half of it on the cat

hello?????

[cyrki]

"Motivation" is the biggest lie we have collectively been made to believe

As of recently, I've been working out everyday; Nothing much, just enough to keep myself moving. Not once have I felt the urge to work out, moreso the motivation. The driving force of the act has never been about motivation, but rather will. Will should be what drives you to do something, even at times when you don't feel motivated or urged to, whether that be working, studying or being active.

Because if I were to do things purely on motivation alone, I would only ever exist on lazy, sloppy Sunday nights. Most of the time, I don't feel motivated. I don't feel motivated to get up, I don't feel motivated to study, I don't feel motivated to work out and so forth-Regardless, I still make an effort to do these things. And so should you; You are not to wait until divine motivation washes down upon you, drowning your thoughts and logic, because that's what it undoubtedly does, away.

Do what you must because you must do it; Because it will benefit you, sooner or later; Because it will aid you in reaching your goal, whatever that may be.

Motivation can only be compared to instant, adulterated entertainment. Nothing more, nothing less. A temporary feeling, a concept that drives you away from who you aspire to be.

[cyrki]

agreeing to go out with an old friend you dread seeing and watching the gc make plans (in which you dont have an established place yet) so i lowkey just slime myself

[cyrki]

just accidentally spent 17 whole euros on a FOUNDATION brush, dni💔💔

[cyrki]

ever meet someone and think "damn this person's gonna kill themselves somewhere down the line"

[cyrki]

Darth Maul's lightsaber is UNDOUBTEDLY the sickest one in the franchise and this exists to be the sole opinion that will never shift in my mind

[cyrki]

I had a disagreement with my teacher in literature today, and it made me realise that not everyone recognises or accepts the same truths that I have stumbled upon; If it's even fair to call them truths, of course, which I am now also doubting.

We were talking about fashion-yes, I know-, and more specifically about it's negative effects on society. I raised my hand and suggested that the modern human often treats their choice of clothing as an extension of their own self, of who they are; How we, mistakenly, often tend to equate our choice of clothing, the style we follow, to be a part of our identity.

Alas, my teacher not only failed to understand what I was saying, but also deeply disagreed with me when he finally came close, under the premise that clothes, were, in fact, a part of who we are. But why must one tie their personality, their sense of being, something so wildly abstract, to their cropped green t-shirt or straight cut blue jeans, or perhaps a bleak pitch black gothic top with nets?

Do you believe this is part of you? Your Levi's pants, your Columbia fleece jacket, your Ambercrombie & Fitch top. I argue that it is wrong to believe so. Yes, you can definitely express yourself with your clothes, but it is most certainly superficial.

Because when you "express yourself", atleast in this way, what you really are doing is expressing what parts of yourself you want to put on the forefront, for others to see.

"But I dress [X] way because I want to! I'm not conforming to anyone/anything."

No one said you were. However, you are still proactively choosing what you want to put on the first line for others to see.

Now, I'm not here to label said behaviour as bas; It's human, afterall, and intertwined with all human behaviourisms; After all, what would we be if it weren't for our need of acception or our sense of community? We must stop tying down our identity to something so silly

What I am trying to pass on is the conscious rejection of the materialistic spirit and the necessity of "appropriate", let's say, clothing so that one feels fulfilled.

[cyrki]

Thoughts on the terms "Analytical mind" and "Poetic mind"

Most recently, after some run-ins with life, I came to find that the label of "artsy" I had so wrongfully put on myself from a very young age was painfully wrong. I'm not going to go into details regarding the why and how, but I will let you know that the aforementioned label did lead me to believe that I was not meant to associate myself with any of the sciences; That throughout my life, I was to be an artist, in whatever form of art.

At first, I figured that I had simply been assigned the wrong tag; My parents, my peers and my teachers all concluded that I must be an artist, because one does not become an artist but is rather born one, given how, to them, I lacked logical thinking abilities. And from the moment I gained consciousness, I reaffirmed that idea; I never bothered with the likes of coding, robotics, or the idea of engineering. Given how I found myself to like art, as I think is reasonable for everyone to, I figured this must be my calling. The guitar; Sounds right.

Anyways, I thought I may just be an analytical mind after all.

But after some deeper thought, I came to find that there is no such thing as a thinker mind, a logical mind or a theoretical mind.

I believe said labels are nothing more than social constructs, made to entice the general public to follow specific fields, with specialization in very niche subjects, in order to fill in the job market.

If we were any less of an animal, hell, it would be rational for there to be such frankly radical division amongst our population; Otherwise, we wouldn't have survived as a species, or we would have, at some point, separated into... I don't know. Logical humans and emotional humans. But, we're not and we did not.

Because the use of said terminology implies such a vast difference between each person labeled with either of terms. "Ah, I can't comprehend mathematics. I'm just more attuned to art." No, no you're not. Actually, you'd have to be classified as severely retarded if that were the case. Of course, the opposite stands (or rather, does not stand) as well.

You're limiting yourself as a person, you're limiting your growth and your abilities when sticking such senseless labels to yourself. You're meant to be a polymath in your life; We have been graced with the gift of consciousness and by extension the ability to appreciate all aspects of life; Be it music, be it physics, be it theatre plays, be it chemistry. Of course, you should follow what you are inclined to and what is to your best liking.

But you owe it to yourself not to push aside certain parts of human knowledge as we know it today because someone told you and you blindly accepted it that you are unable to do otherwise.

There is NO SUCH THING as an artsy person.

There is NO SUCH THING as a purely logical person.

(...with the exception of Mr.Spock, if you will)

So don't make yourself out to be either.

[cyrki]

when he opens my phone and finds the 47GB folder of pictures and videos of him so i lowkey have to explain what gooning is

[cyrki]

anyone else cry over old videos of themselves doing their now forgotten hobbies or am i just clinically insane

[cyrki]

i really think giving proper care to each detail of my life has made it thoroughly more enjoyable. like yes, im gonna paint my toenails. no ones gonna see them, but i will; ill light up 6000 candles at the same time. ill reapply my perfume at the comfort of my own home. ill lather myself in body lotion that will disappear by the time i wake up. ill drink tea just to drink it. and any hours wasted, ill pretend they just didn't happen. what do u mean i spent 3 hours scrolling mindlessly?... that SO didnt happen

(it did)

[cyrki]

id gift u lego flowers and hand u a USB stick with a poorly made programme written in python confessing my love to u for valentine's but you're probably not into me so now we both have to suffer

[cyrki]

→°•change and what it meant for me;

(i know no one cares but i wanna blog this somewhere)

first of all, i do wish to pardon myself regarding the one or two requests I've had rotting in my inbox for an embarrassingly long time; i must admit I forgot about this app and got caught up in the stupidity and mind-numbingness of modern social-media apps and began watching short-form content (im ashamed💔)

I changed schools this September, and my life unexpectedly turned around—For context, I've been hanging out and surrounded by the same people for the past 9~ or so years now. And for the last 3, I have been in the same buildings. If I chose to stay, I would have to face not only the same surroundings, but also the same teachers.

And normally, I don't think I would've minded. But that failure to get that scholarship, after coming so painfully close, really crushed me, I think. Although I've never prided myself in being a social butterfly, the summer of '25 was undoubtedly the loneliest one thus far. The times I exited my house could very much be counted on the fingers of my hands-Hands that remained as pale as they exist to be in winter, as my exposure to the sun was absolutely minimal.

I really couldn't identify with myself, to be frank. But how could I? It was soul-crushing; Because it was enough to make me realise that sometimes, effort isn't enough. Sometimes, effort means nothing. I was studying 7-9 hours everyday, without fail, for 2 months, and let's not forget the countless hours I had spent studying the past three years in order to keep my grades up high enough for this opportunity. And when the day came, there was no phone-call. No email either. Nothing. Just silence. And then a day passed, and another and, still, no update. Until I called myself; When I was informed I had not been chosen. They had chosen the other student who had applied.

My all was not enough. Who I was, at said time, was simply not good enough. And it was hard accepting that. All of a sudden, I had to erase everything that made me me. Be it my taste in music, the way I dressed, the way I spoke, my friends, my interests. It all had to go, shoved down a trashcan never to be seen again.

And I did that. Maybe I shouldn't have, now that I think about it, but I did. It started by cutting corners. Everyone is a polygon, I reckon. Each corner is unique. And I shaved mine down. And maybe from afar, it looked like a circle, but if u came close enough, it would be painfully obvious that I was anything but a circle.

I erased me. And everything that included. Did it make me feel good? No. Did it make me feel bad? Not necessarily. It just felt safer. Quieter.

As aforementioned, I also felt the need to change schools. In my demented state of thinking, I couldn't even bear the idea of seeing the same people that I used to see when I was working so hard. And that's when I put most changes into effect.

When anyone asks why I don't dress alternatively anymore, why I don't listen to the same music anymore, why I don't present myself the way I so passionately used to, I always quote how my new school isn't as accepting as my old one (as my old one was a "music" high-school, so the other students took different appearances a bit more kindly). But I didn't change because I changed schools. I changed schools because I changed.

Same goes for my hobbies. Upon being asked, why I stopped playing the guitar, why I stopped playing the piano, why I stopped taking football lessons, why I stopped learning music theory, I just blame it on a lack of time, when in reality, that simply isn't the case.

My career goals shifted, too. I no longer wanna be a musician. I don't care for music anymore. I want to go into medical school. Be a doctor, for whatever reason. A reason and an explanation I've yet to find, frankly. But it feels right. Almost does. Somewhere down the line of muting myself, I had to throw on new labels. Because I knew, coming into contact with new people, I couldn't exactly exist to be a shell of a human. I didn't want that, either, even though I knew at that point, if I had to FIND things to claim to be, then I had already been long gone.

And in this context, I adopted some other tags as well. I like classic country now. I take MMA classes, too. I began gaming (for whatever reason; i think it started an escape from the miserable reality that was doing nothing all day on my bed—i guess i found pretending to be an outlaw a bit more productive and that grew into an interest of its own, to the point where, having some money set aside and after going to sing carols, I purchased a PS5 console for myself. yay!). I started watching films; And Star Trek. For no real reason. Between us, in the beginning, I found it extremely uninteresting, however all it took was some conditioning and I now find it to be possibly the most interesting thing in my life. I yearn to cuddle with someone and watch Star Trek with that said someone.

Externally, I've begun to take care of myself. Which, again, I think was a means of changing myself. I've cut my hair straight; No more layers. I've begun doing my make-up. Everyday, actually. Heatless sock-curls every night as well. I try to follow a more subtle, feminine way of presenting myself; Which is practically the opposite of the way I presented myself previously. During the summer, I went through a phase in which I believed myself to be transgender. Although I've now debunked that as yet another questionable way of shifting myself into something unrecognisable.

I wouldn't call this self-discovery. I'm not sure what I can call this behaviour, and I cannot put a label on it either. It's neither positive, nor negative. It's just. It is what it is.

Do all labels one puts on themselves make-up their identity? For me, I don't think that's the case. But then again, if that's not true, what makes a person them? While the core of one is not a variable, certain behaviourisms are.

I think, generally, people have a tendency of aligning their identity with their interests or hobbies. But I've found that is simply not the case. In the countless things I've done to "change" myself, I've come to realise that, in truth, I've not changed one bit. Despite everything, I'm still me. I'm the loser that failed. I'm the loser that didn't get accepted into the exchange program, either. I'd like to say that I'm the self-conscious, shy girl who goes through dialogue options when interacting with others; But even that feels inaccurate. Because it doesn't feel permanent.

So in reality, I fathom it's wrong to claim that I "erased" myself, because the things I "erased" weren't *me* to begin with. It was more like removing a hat, and putting on another one.

My monologue doesn't end here.

Changing schools meant meeting new people, coming into a new social hierarchy, and having to deal with/study new interpersonal dynamics. I mean, never before had I seen a virgin teenage boy get treated as a run-through female presence amongst his male peers, due to his slightly homoerotic tendencies (which have never been confirmed nor denied publicly).

Like travelling, it opened my eyes and brain. I had to deal with, for the first time in my life, creating new relationships. From zero, in most cases (Of course, some classmates I was familiar with because of our past in grade-school; However, I don't think that necessarily qualifies, as it was made obvious to me early-on that I would have to prove myself to be a worthy [?] enough person for others to accept me again.)

It wasn't scary. In the beginning, I figured I was far too socially inadept to ever fit in with these people; And I thanked the circumstances for letting me be in the A1 class, instead of A2, as I very quickly realised the students of the latter were all huge assholes, whereas my classmates appeared to be less judgemental and invasive of the quiet.

It should be noted that I didn't attend school in the first two days as it was not sure which school I would be attending, but it was almost certainly not the one I ended up in. That too was detrimental, as I began to feel trapped in my fate-Although it should be mentioned, fate has never existed as something I believe in.

For better or for worse, I began to get interacted with; But with people I soon realised were not people I wanted to hang out with, due to either nasty nature or misalignment of personalities.

In the beginning, I pushed away the other 4 members of a friendgroup I was in and entertained myself with the weakest link of the bunch, as I found her to be the most interesting and meaningful to be around. However, I very quickly figured I had no business hanging around her due to some core differences.

During this period, I was seeing a therapist, but I attended no more than 3 or so sessions as I, once again, came to the conclusion that they're utterly useless and retarded, with no intention or ability of helping or making me feel better. Kind of like literature in school. Who are you to tell me what I feel and why I feel it? Kill yourself, actually.

Back to the matter at hand, I pulled an insane play and connected girl A with girl B. I'm not sure why it worked, but at this point I do wanna pride myself in my conquest. Because it worked out. I figured I was much better alone than with painfully stupid interactions in my everyday life.

I remember the day I had done this successfully. There was no teacher assigned for a specific subject, I don't remember which one, and therefore we had a one-hour gap. And I realised, girl A wasn't around me. I was alone. And there was such beauty in that. I was only slightly bothered by the fact that I didn't have my MP3 player. I walked around for a bit, before sitting on the bench right out of my main classroom.

Words cannot describe the surreality of the situation. I remember sitting by myself, looking at the orange sunlight coming through the glass walls behind the corner. Silence. Just me and my thoughts. I was slightly slouched back, playing with my brown hair-tie, both thinking and not. No one was passing by, it was just me and there was something almost comforting in the idea that this was how I'd be spending my next 3 years of highschool.

This is a photograph I found on pinterest, but you have to understand it was very similar to it. Except I was sitting inside of the building, around the corner.

And not much later, two kids from my classroom entered the building. Girl C, I'll call her, and boy A. And they sat on another bench, around the corner, near the glass door.

And they talked. I couldn't hear them clearly, but I remember at the time I would try to imagine what I would respond if I myself was included in the conversation. I wondered if they could see me; If they had spotted me. Or not. They probably had, now that I think about it.

At some point, a pigeon entered the school. It didn't fly in, it just walked. And it would go up the staircase, step by step. Instead of just flying up, I mean. They commented on it. I smiled as well, it was a funny sight.

And to me this now exists to be a core memory. For whatever reason, it is.

After not showing up to school for one week, one day I found her sitting by herself. Unbeknownst to me at that very moment, she was simply waiting for her friends from the other class. I felt the urge to talk to her; I remember what I was wearing, too; Jorts, a silver belt buckle with USA imprinted on it for no real reason, a black tank top, a plaid flannel and two star shaped hair clips in both sides of my hair. I very awkwardly and stiffly sat next to her, and initiated a very mechanical dialogue with her, in which I offered to send her the notes and asked her whether she was alright. She then complimented my outfit and then her friends came out, and she left.

In the following week, our IT teacher was not present for the first of our two hours with him. In said 1 hour, I connected with this girl over several subjects and she's been arguably one of my closest friends ever since.

I don't quite know why I clocked her as an interesting, funny person almost immediately, but I did. And my assumptions were proven correct.

As for the boy previously mentioned, he's a whole post on his own. I do wish to log some things about him, so expect another monologue on that too.

Anyways, in these past few months, the rest of my classmates have also begun warming up to me, as I have to them. I very quickly came to realise I was just as much of a stranger to them as they were to me, and thus I excused their hesitation to talk to me; Although, frankly, they were never judgemental towards me. Hell, most recently I've been coming closer to the leaders, top of the social pyramid, which is quite nice; Not because I now don't rank as low, but to me it exists as proof that maybe, just maybe, I'm not that bad. In no specific part of life; But rather, generally.

I don't know what it is about these people. This place in general; But I've, for the first time in my life, begun to feel generally happy. Cutting my life short no longer feels like something I might do, because hell, I've come to even be excited to go to school. See my friends. All of them. I study more; My grades haven't dropped, either. Classes are undoubtedly harder, and require more time.

But somehow, I'm happier. I go out more often. I laugh more, I smile more. I don't experience stress anymore. I had my mid-terms, but I was not shaking nor having diarrhea and vomiting, excuse my vulgarity, from stress. I didn't even care. It felt like just another day, really, because that's what it was.

I haven't been able to pinpoint how or why this is happening. But what I do know is that I'm satisfied, somehow.

Is it the people? Is it me? I really don't know. Most likely, it's both. Sometimes I'm fearful that it's all going to go away. That one day, I'll wake up and I'll feel that same, unbearable weight. That one day, I'll lose these people and the spark that I have with them. But I try to live in the present.

Speaking of the present, I've finally begun living in it. I no longer think of the past; Not often, at least. And I'm no longer drowning in the future either; Of course, this is not to say that I'm actively ruining it, but rather that it's not the only thing I do, daydream about it I mean.

I think of going to school the next day; Coming back home to hop on the game for a bit. Reapplying my perfume; Seeing my friends, even if it's just for 15 minutes.

I think what made this monumental is how my ability to connect with new people disproved the idea that everyone simply condones me since I've been in their life long enough for it to be illogical to remove me from it. This, in a way, severely played in my already low self-esteem. I now realise that is not the case, because had it been true, I would have not been able to be appreciated by people who I just met.

People enjoy being around me. Someone complained I wasn't in an outing. Someone I just met. Dare I say often they're bothered by the lack of my presence. Even the hardest nuts to crack have begun joking around with me, dabbing me up and so on. I don't mean to inflate myself too much, but I hope you can understand how much this means to me.

I've had my problems, occasionally. Namely relapsing into a cycle of restricting, sometimes binging and then purging (!). I hope to minimise that and frankly I'm unsure how I fell into this little hole again, especially when it comes to purging as it has never been something I've really done, despite my past with EDs.

-----

All in all, I doubt anyone is going to read this-Understandably so. But I still wished to share the nature of my life as of recently. And it's been pleasant. Very much so. I wish everyone can go through this, whatever this is, and I hope it lasts.