I have never given much thought to how should I be feeling these days. It felt like a series of mazes; inhabited by motion sickness. I can no longer say that it's accompanied by idleness but rather: it's something that I can no longer hypothesize with a phrase.
In simple words: I'd describe it as not being able to enjoy everything you used to enjoy. Something that you once found pleasure in but is now something that you'd still do; only to end up peeving about it. Like a song that you'd play on repeat only to end up loathing it, in the long run.
Some would claim it was due to the effect of low dopamine. But what is it with dopamine that serves excess happiness to one's soul? Stupid as it gets, dopamine is just a neuromodulatory molecule that plays an important role in a person's brain--basically an organic form of drug that you can obtain and sell for free. Some reward that you can also get from some lone-time self-abuse (Euphemistically known as 'masturbation'.) But as harsh as it gets, at least you get to have some sort of self-gratification from an orgasm.
In the case of Anhedonia (which is something that I used to refer to as 'Melancholia'). Each day forces you to run on autopilot--as if life is just something that 'has to be done.' From how I understand it; it's like being stuck in a series of dull video game levels that you have to go through with the thought of being able to go through the 'exciting' part. Even so, just like some video game endings--you are left with disappointment. But unlike that video game, Anhedonia is something that's hard to terminate.
You want to destroy it--kill every traces of that creature that loves to agonize you. You wanted it to stop making you feel like shit thus it felt like it controls you as if it was the master organ of one's nervous system.
For once, you want to be happy.
But then, there's Anhedonia. A beast that won't hesitate to fuck you over.
