I hate how I'm late to even the things I'm most excited for. Second day of ALA and my ass is late af (an hour). Seconds from crying.

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I hate how I'm late to even the things I'm most excited for. Second day of ALA and my ass is late af (an hour). Seconds from crying.
Content Warning
Trigger Warning
CW TW
Suicidal Ideation
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June 23, 2026
I wonder what it would be like to die. Well, maybe not die but to not exist. I'm so tired of being a homeless burden who's staying with my cousin and her family. Apparently her husband acts like my mom is a big burden because she doesn't work, meanwhile he just got out of jail. Not to mention my mom had an appointment while my cousin had to work so my mom watched the kids instead of going......and then her husband's been home since 12:30 so that's fucking great.
I'm so fucking tired.
Content Warning
Trigger Warning
CW SW
Suicidal ideation passive
May 15, 2026
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Another day I hate being alive and I'm 34.
Apparently it's my fault that I didn't know my mom posted on her Facebook timeline for us to pick her up from Walmart. And I didn't notice for an hour because she posted on her timeline and not mine. I thought she was going to message me not do it on the timeline. There were no notifications until she posted twice on my timeline saying she'd been ready.
I'm hoping I have some kind of...health issue takes me out. I'm so sick of living and now I'm back to having nowhere to live. The irony.
One year and four days of being homeless and transient.
One more day I just really wish I weren't existing.
Every day is a death wish.
I really understand why Meredith put her hand by the b*mb.
And in that last note, what if I just died?
Or on a less extreme note, maybe I go back to the homeless shelter. It's not that bad. Really awful food but the bus stop is right there, I can save money, free laundry...
But then I may actually hole up in the dorm room and just...be there when I'm not at work.
It could work out for the best.
Of course, then there's my mom but... She could stay at family friend's (unless of course I didn't fuck up everything for both of us because friend's dog got into ibuprofen I left on the table and forgot to throw away)
This is a draft from December 23rd:
Now I'm fucking stuck in a homeless shelter alone because my mom was given a drug test and she failed it so now she's kicked out.
Someone please just kill me.
Please.
Please.
Please.
Please.
Please.
Words cannot describe how utterly hopeless and loserish and pathetic and meaningless and depressed I feel on the daily basis.
It's ridiculous how much I want to die on the daily basis between staying in the homeless shelter and family issues.
“But I’m fine. Absolutely” he said, sure no one understood his sarcasm.
My tip for trying to compartmentalize your emotions or desires is to realize when you're using hyperbolic shorthand for an actually realistic desire. I know realizing even that can be difficult sometimes but let me demonstrate
"I wish I was popular" -> I want to be noticed and engaged with, and I need reassurance and the feeling of connection
"I wanna delete my blog and ghost my friends" -> I want to act out in a visible way that expresses how frustrated I am / I feel overwhelmed with connections and need time to cool off
"I wanna do something reckless/dangerous" -> I feel trapped in obligations and am buckling under stress, I need a sufficient outlet and more freedom to exist in peace
Obviously there may be different kinds of feelings or needs under your particular impulses, these are just some fairly common examples of what you could be feeling. The harder part is trying to figure out what it is that causes this impulse, and even harder might be if you don't have control over the situation, and are unable to have your needs met. It's not always your fault if you're feeling bad, but realizing where it stems from can help you seek out new paths to relieve it. This is something I've learnt working in therapy.
The toddler in your heart has valid needs. But it is a toddler and will scream and cry about it. Learn to sit by until it's done and then ask if it wants a juice box or a hug
Do people understand that when you say “I’m tired” it doesn’t mean “I didn’t get enough sleep last night” or “I need more physical energy”?
It means I am drained. I have been fighting through each day just to wake up and do it again. I am tired of existing in a world where everything feels like a struggle and nothing feels right. I am tired of fighting negative thoughts. I am tired of waking up.
I wish depression were an emergency. I wish someone could take one look at how sick I am and go “oh my god, we need to get you to a hospital!” and then when we get there I get rushed into surgery and the surgeons say “it’s a good thing you brought her here when you did, this is a seriously advanced case” and then they put me under and spend the next ten hours pulling metres of long, sticky black strands of gunk out of my body, throwing it immediately into an incinerator so that it can’t infect anyone else. And then they could stitch me back up and I could rest a few days, and when I leave the hospital everyone can see how much better I am and they congratulate me saying “well done, you’ve been so brave, I’m so glad you’re ok. I love you.”
Content warning, trigger warning: Suicidal Ideation, Depression
I'm not saying I'm suicidal, I just wouldn't be opposed to not existing anymore.
Ninja Writers Academy: Character Development
First: Our Facebook Group project for December will be a work through of How to Develop + Test a Story Idea and the whole Writer’s Journey part of The Plotting Workshop (which I’ll make available to you for free!) If you’d like to be on the list to get more info, put your email address here:
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I thought it would be fun to run a little series of Ninja Writer Academy Posts about diving a little deeper into your story’s basic elements. Let’s start with character.
Character Development seems to be one of those scary things that new writers get hung up on.
You can find complicated, intimidating character development worksheets out there. If you Google around the Internet, you’ll find plenty of experts giving you lists of things that you’re supposed to know before you even start to write your story.
I take a different tact. My favorite way to work on character development is with guided free writing. I have a list of questions that I think about while I’m considering a new player. I start with a name and a basic (very basic) description, and then just start writing.
After all, that’s what we do, right? It’s how we process. Doesn’t it make sense to process something this important to your story the same way?
Here are the Character Development questions I use:
What is their ordinary world like?
What kind of work do they do?
Who do they love? Who do they hate?
Who loves and hates them?
What’s missing in them?
What’s important to them?
Who has hurt them?
Who have they hurt?
What do they need?
What do they want?
Who do they live with?
Who is their best friend?
Who is their worst enemy?
How resistant are they to change?
What would it take to get them to embark on big change?
This is a biggie: How are they flawed?
What makes them heroic?
Don’t list all the questions and answer them. Please. Don’t. Just use the questions to guide you as you write a page or two about this compelling person.
I actually do this exercise with every important character in a story: hero, antagonist, love interest, mentor, sidekick, etc. I also try to do this work in no more than about 20 minutes per character. Set a timer if you have to. It can be easy to get caught up in spending hours or even days in making sure your character development is PERFECT. Don’t do that to yourself!
MY TURN
I’ve had a character on my mind for a while. Here’s how this exercise worked out for him:
Will Sorren. Age, 50. Six feet tall, relatively fit (maybe a little softer than he used to be), over-styled brown hair, highlighted. Blue eyes. Dimpled chin.
Will is an aging rock star. When he was young he was nicknamed “The Face.” He had as much attention for his looks as for his music. He used to play to stadiums full of screaming girls. Now he plays to show-rooms half-filled with the same girls, now middle-aged housewives. He can’t play new music without risking a riot.
Worse of all, he’s not aging well. The public is brutal regarding his looks. What happened to The Face memes hound him. He still has the charisma that set him apart when he was young, but he’s done a little too much to try to hold on to his looks and it shows. Too much surgery. Too much Botox.
Will is still a musician, still playing the same music that he’s been playing for 30 years. He lives in Las Vegas and makes a living doing nostalgia shows with other 80s has beens.
Will married an actress when he was still The Face. She’s aging far better than him and his jealousy of her beauty and his insecurity over the public’s fascination with his loss of beauty is eroding their relationship.
He’s never been able to internalize his success. He had one breakout song when he was twenty-two and it was in a genre outside the pure rock he set out to make. He followed the success and the fame, and wound up a pop star. He still hears his songs in elevators and grocery stores and it always makes him sad.
Will’s mother left him when he was a little boy. He was raised by his grandmother, who was brutal with him. His looks and his music were the things that saved him and when he feels like he’s lost both, he is completely lost.
Will needs to find a way to let go of his youth. He wants to get it back. He’s utterly resistant to change, even when it’s obvious that change is happening whether he’s ready for it or not.
His best friend is the bass player in his band. They’ve been friends since high school. Aaron is far more accepting of their slide from rock gods to pop stars to has beens.
For will to change, he’ll has to have a seismic shift in his perspective of himself. Think George Bailey experiencing Bedford Falls as if he hadn’t been born.
Will’s heroism takes time to come through. He starts the story hurt and stuck in a very shallow mindset.
YOUR TURN
Here’s your homework this weekend, Ninja!
Develop a Character Use the questions in this post to guide you as you free write about your story’s hero. Or antagonist. Or love interest. Or any character that could use a little development. (Hint: that’s probably all of them!) Set a timer for 20 minutes. Don’t let yourself get bogged down with perfection on this one.
Are you in this week? Leave a comment here and let me know. Ninja Writers are ALL about the big A word: Accountability. Post here that you’re going to be part of the Academy this week, then do it, Ninja.
Come by Facebook and share your commitment. Just come on by and voice your determination to FINISH THAT FIRST DRAFT.
Please share this post on Facebook, Twitter, or Pinterest, and spread the word about the Ninja Academy.
If you haven’t joined the Academy yet, you can click here to do that. It’s totally free–when you sign up, I’ll send you a link.
Ninja Writers Academy: Character Development was originally published on Ninja Writers