[haughtyraban]

sometimes u go to a ship’s ao3 page and the top 10 fics are like “what if these guys were 2 completely different guys but had the same actors’ faces and character names”

[lissa]

[knucklecurve]

shane is ilya’s dog btw

[knucklecurve]

shane’s entire life revolves around being Good. shane finds fulfillment in following routines and commands. shane does not want to decide what to do. he wants to be given a task and accomplish it and then be rewarded. good dogs don’t decide what they do or when and how they do it. you say “time for walkies” and they say “yay! let’s go!” and dutifully follow the route they’re led on and then they get a milk bone at the end of it

[rainbow-femme]

Someone online makes a comment about how Shane probably isn’t a very good boyfriend, saying his flat affect and resting neutral face in paparazzi pics and video must mean he’s detached and not affectionate compared to Ilya who is much more overtly affectionate

Ilya then has the rest of the Centaurs help him make a compilation of secretly filmed Shane moments showing how good a boyfriend he is

Ilya doing the “would you still love me if I was a worm?” thing and without missing a beat or asking any questions Shane just goes “Yeah”

Harris films himself asking Shane random Ilya questions and Shane always having an answer. “Hey what Ilya’s favorite milkshake flavor?” “Mint.” “I’m buying everyone fun socks, what’s Ilya’s favorite color?” “Blue, but only if it’s light, he doesn’t like dark blue.” “What’s Ilya’s favorite fruit?” “Pears.”

Troy waits for Shane to sit on the bench looking at his phone or tying his skates then says “Oh hey Ilya’s coming in” and catches multiple examples of Shane immediately scootching over to one side to make room for Ilya to sit next to him

Ilya puts his feet up on Shane’s lap silently and Shane starts lightly massaging them. Ilya lays his head on Shane’s shoulder and Shane starts quietly playing with his hair

They film Ilya handing Shane random things and asking him to hold them and Shane does without question. The internets favorite is the one where Ilya pulls a pineapple out of his bag and asks Shane to hold it and he agrees, getting his gear on one handed so he can keep holding the pineapple in the other

Hayden gets a video of Shane letting Ruby brush his hair and fill it with clips while he and Jade do Ilya’s nails, Ilya laying with a face mask and cucumbers over his eyes and his head on Shane’s lap

[shillanov]

the whole world’s probably like "damn shane hollander is dating the league's number one SLUT" little do they know...... shane hollander IS the league's number one slut

[2886beaconstreet]

it is so important to me that as hollanov get older and more used to being out they just get more comfortable being gay + themselves. ilya peacocking in his designer silk shirts and italian leather loafers and racey sports cars. wearing more jewelry and strutting around like an gaggy scarface extra. shane on the other hand getting pickier and bitchier and more exacting, fussing over how his food is prepared and the way his sheets feel and where he gets his cashmere dry cleaned and getting catty to ilya about strangers and acquaintances. nightmare couple at a restaurant truly because shane asks a million questions about the menu and ilya is manspreading across the entire booth in his driving slippers and huge diamond studs, teasing shane in front of the waiter, shane snapping back and involving everyone in the argument but no one knows it’s just how they talk to each other. just two fifty some year old rich gay guys terrorizing a steakhouse in miami. so inspiring.

[samlickereightyone]

being 13 was crazy cuz it's like no one is coming to save you. there's only one option and it's to read about band guys having gay sex

[knucklecurve]

like shane is orthorexic, not anorexic. ilya indulges in mcdonald’s but i promise he’s still hitting his macros and generally following a diet plan. they are both serious about getting enough sleep. i do think ilya would limit his alcohol and drug use during the season. they are not drinking ginger ales and cokes every single day, it’s a treat. ilya studies game tape just as diligently as shane. i could do a whole other post about how media descriptions of athletes’ play styles and lifestyles are highly racialized.

[hutsonwoolyums]

Ok I’m actually starting to get a little defensive of Ilya because why am I seeing more and more characterization of him as messy, undisciplined, irresponsible, etc.

Like yes, he’s more carefree than Shane, but he’s also one of the best hockey players in the world and you don’t get there without an insane amount of discipline, and even beyond that we literally see him acting as a caretaker for his father, managing money for his brother, arranging his father’s funeral and getting it done quickly and efficiently, none of that is the behavior of someone who’s never used a calendar…

[leftoverspacedust]

heated rivalry show you will always be famous. budget so low the sex was explicit and the hockey was implied

[kaijuerotica]

when hollanov are both centaurs ilya still tells each of them "i love you" when they leave the ice and then gives shane a very professional "good game"

[fractally]

Love "terrible at being gay" Shane and Ilya. They do some interview for Pink News and it comes out that neither of them have any idea what Stonewall is. A confused Shane's looking sideways at Ilya while Ilya's like, "What? Who threw brick at wall?"

They're semi-frequently cornered by Rose's LA club gay friends and Fabian's arthouse gay friends who constantly bring up random gay culture stuff. Ilya knows 10% of it Shane knows 0%. They're all in a mutual hatred society

Shane's never heard of PrEP. Health Canada approaches him as a potential spokesperson and he's leafing through the documentation going, "Ilya did you know about this? Should---should I have been on this" and Ilya crashes out like, "Oh now it comes out, you let the Mexican guy fuck you bare"

They go to see Rent on a double date with Scott and Kip as some kind of publicity stunt for a charity and they're both just sort of confused the whole time. Ilya gets mad about the dog thing. Shane keeps leaning over to Ilya to whisper loudly, "It's actually really important that tenants pay their rent. How else are landlords supposed to maintain the buildings." Kip tries to stab him during intermission

[martelldoran]

if we get an irina foundation hockey camp montage at any point in s2 i hope it includes a clip of a three year old dropping gloves on ilya and him fully committing to the bit. just straight up dramatics as the kid pummels his kneecaps, dropping to the ice, rolling around calling to the ref (shane) to intervene already (spoiler, he doesn't).

i just think it would be neat.

[caralikesgay]

ok this is mostly a collection of ilya "good top" rozanov headcanons that took on a life of their own

ilya's reputation as a "womanizer" and a "ladies man" takes hold pretty early in his career

he's got a girl in every port, the man's having a lot of sex everywhere

(most of his teammates know that he's got a special fondness for jane in montreal, but that's neither here nor there)

shane genuinely isn't jealous, what ilya does when they're apart isn't his business, as long as he has ilya's undivided attention when they're together, which he absolutely does

someone makes a joke on twitter that all of the women he's banged ought to start a club

this leads to someone making a shirt that says "i hooked up with ilya rozanov and all i got was this lousy t-shirt" and starts selling it on etsy. a bunch of other people make copycat shirts and variations

the fad fades pretty quickly, but there's a brief moment in time where they seem to be everywhere, and jane texts lily every time he sees someone wearing one out in the wild

lily mostly responds with laughing emoji, but one time he responds with "i think that one's real i remember her" and shane has to remind himself that he's not jealous and it's not his business and he has to delete the picture so he doesn't go back and study it

not long after boston wins the cup, a package arrives at shane's secret sex condo, it's a version of the shirt that says "i slept with STANLEY CUP WINNER ilya rozanov and all i got was this lousy t-shirt"

shane is mortified, but also more than a little turned on. at some point he wears it under his other clothes when he meets up with ilya for a hook-up and ilya goes absolutely feral when he sees it

years later, when the whole dallas kent situation hits the fan, people start taking to twitter talking shit about other NHL players (and other pro-athletes in general) who treated them poorly

someone tweets out "i've never really talked about this because i'm not one to kiss and tell and it's really no one's business, but i just want to say that in like 2014 i hooked up with ilya rozanov and he was the most considerate lover i'd ever had. i was relatively inexperienced and so down bad for him that i would have done anything he said, but he checked in with me every step of the way, and *also* gave me crazy orgasms to boot"

and women start coming out of the woodwork responding to the thread with similar sentiments, that he'd set the bar for future hookups and relationships

and people are like "damn, consent king ilya rozanov, didn't have that on my bingo card this year" and "this man was really fucking his way across north america as a service to *us* teaching millennial women to have higher standards for their partners"

someone tweets out "i hooked up with ilya rozanov and all i got was multiple orgasms and really high expectations about consent" and it goes stupid viral

several months later when the fanmail debacle happens and hollanov are outed, that particular corner of social media has another meltdown along the lines of "and he's even bisexual? this makes so much sense"

someone jokes about getting shane a shirt, since he's a member of the club, this tweet makes its way back to harris, who feels like he should warn shane and ilya

ilya posts a picture to instagram of his husband lounging, wearing The Shirt, his underwear, and nothing else. the shirt is very obviously not new, has been worn and washed many times

in the picture, shane's left hand is draped casually across his stomach, wedding ring glinting in the light, as if to remind everyone: this one's mine

[yuqis-ifty]

It's very important to me that Shane finds Ilya extremely adorable. Like yes, that is the hottest man he's ever seen, but like, that's also the man who puff out his cheeks, frown and sigh dramaticly at the minorest of inconveniences, that man, atleast to Shane, is so so cute Shane sometimes has to clench his fists to let the cuteness aggression subside because it's either this or he's squeezing Ilya's face until he looks like a puffer fish and kissing him all over.

[fleabagsversion]

Is this anything?

[fractally]

So when I say Shane isn't a good person really I don't mean that he's like. Bad. Or malicious or evil. I just see so many fics that write him as this weird paragon of perpetual virtue, almost saintlike, where he's impossibly kind and an activist and sweet to Ilya like a little kitten and caring of his friends and I'm just sitting here thining....no??

Shane's canonically kind of a selfish guy! Not in a terrible way, he just doesn't really care about stuff outside of his direct sphere. He only gets into philanthropy when there's a direct benefit to him (laundering his relationship). He loves his friends but he's not super caring of them or all that invested in their lives (forgetting Hayden's baby's name is peak). Some of that is he's too wrapped up in his own shit and his secrets but I think a lot of it is just his personality. Shane's not selfish to the degree of it being a personality flaw (see: Shane giving up a day with Ilya to babysit Hayden's kids. I wouldn't have) but he's more selfish than selfless.

We don't hear about him sending signed pucks to sick kids or doing charity with the Voyageurs or that sort of thing. Maybe he's doing it in the background idk. Most likely he's got some assistant in charge of it. But that's not something he spends a lot of mental energy on.

He's not rude or cruel to people, but internally he's a bit judgemental. He sells himself pretty ruthlessly. He’s wealthier than anyone on this website can even comprehend. He’s a landlord.

To get to three cups in a decade Shane’s also got to be very locked in as captain. Like Theriault is this fandom villain (fair) but it just doesn’t make sense to have Shane constantly clashing with him and the Voyageurs and still winning over and over. We see Shane let homophobic comments slide in the locker room and I have to assume that’s his general approach to dealing with things in Montreal. Winning comes first.

I’ve said a million times I love Shane. I’m obviously obsessed with him, look at my many posts. But I just think he’s a grittier and more interesting than the fandom gives him credit for, they just turn him into like the anxious nagging wife who tells Ilya to pick up his socks and is Team Mom.

[fuckrozanov]

come to my cottage where there’s no slamming doors and we don’t walk on eggshells and you don’t have to think about how as a child you memorized the sounds of footsteps on the hardwood and who they belonged to and how much to shrink yourself depending on the answer. don’t go back to russia because you always come back to me in pieces and pretend you don’t need to be put back together. i know a place that won’t break you. come to my house. we’ll have so much fun. i want to watch tv with you. i want to knock elbows with you while we brush our teeth. i want to taste your mouth while its still warm from your coffee; to suck syrup off your fingers at the table. i want every mundane luxury we’ve never allowed ourselves to have. it’s so private, no one will know. because they can’t. and for now it’s okay; i’m not ready for the world to have us when there’s so many ways i’ve yet to have you. we’d have a week, or even two, and it still won’t be enough. how do you make up for almost ten years of never seeing a sunrise together. never kissing with morning breath. all the things i might already know if i never left that time you asked me to stay. we’ll be completely alone, together, with our clothes in the same laundry basket and your hair on my pillowcase and the enormity of everything i want touching every corner of every room.

[smokingrozanov]

The best and coolest thing about Ilya is that he’s literally nice. He’s going to former teammate’s funerals, he’s hanging out with sick kids without his teammates, he’s making Shane is gross macrobiotic meals, he’s helping every other character process their gay thoughts. He’s literally the nicest firetruck of all time. AND he’s a bitch. It’s awesome