tea

i might be writing something

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since tiktok has decided all of my posts are "ineligible" i'm posting the edit on here cause i genuinely liked this one :) it's evan buckley to the 30th by billie eilish

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die your daughter by susannah joffe but it's sirius who died the murderous heir to the noble house of black and regulus black who never got his turn as something more than the second son of walburga black.

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no one talks about the intense pain sirius probably felt when he moved in with the potters. He spent his whole life being the "problem child" and was both mentally and physically abused by his family. To then be accepted with such love and care that the potters provided would have caused this idea that it was his fault to fracture. To believe for so long that your the reason your own family doesn't love you to meeting people who are able to love the exact same version of you as before is heartbreaking.

I'm just says that the adjustment to living with the potters would have been the hardest thing Sirius had to do because his identity broke.

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i am musical until my brain hears that i'm keeping the beat and then decides to make me skip the number 3 and throw everything off

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you know even if i never had an experience where my flight or fight response was used

i would know that I freeze because i wake up from nightmares completely frozen instead of jumping.

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if james is the sun, sirius is the stars, remus is the moon then pete is the earth. he had so much potential to be a good person, he thrived in the sun, in fact he was the only planet to ever receive the love the sun gave in all revolutions the two experienced (being friends since they were 3) he got to watch as the moon fell in love with stars and gaze lovingly and sometimes longingly. and yet, he choose to destroy himself. he ignored all warnings of war until the clock hit zero and let himself die. peter is the earth in the tragic way of how it dies only to continue living forced to regrow itself.

peter didn't have any reason to betray his friends and i think it makes him such a poetically tragic tail (hehe get it wormtail)

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i know i'm recovering because the wretched chaos of my room is becoming lovable, I must be too.

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"but the system has worked for so many years."

maybe it has, but when you build a house you don't stop at the foundation and say but it doesn't fall apart so it's good. you ask how to build a roof to keep it from growing rot.

stop excusing ignorance due the work it would take to build the house up, fix the way the government works and floor will stop collapsing.

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Afraid -

⚠️ black brothers again. angst. abuse. ⚠️

Sirius had a small fear. Well actually, he had lots of fears over time. When he was 7 he was afraid of spiders. They had way too many legs and his nanny had told him about this huge spider that might have killed a girl at school. He kept this fear for a year until Regulus found one under the sink and begged Sirius to just take it outside. When he was 10 his mother and father sat down and repeated every page of the fantastic beasts over and over. At 10 years old Sirius was afraid of werewolves, unicorns, centaurs, even pixies. When Remus Lupin cried in Sirius' arms about being a monster, Sirius decided werewolves weren't that scary.

"Pads?" Remus was looking at Sirius with a small smile. Sirius looked away from the bookshelf he was building to see Remus crouch down with a cup of hot cocoa. "There's this girl at the high school. Her name is Nymphadora and she's got herself into some trouble that I think we can help."

Sirius chuckled, "What sort of name is Nymphadora?"

"The same sort as Sirius Lupin?"

"Ouch point taken." Sirius pointed towards a screw driver sitting by Remus's foot. "So this girl?"

"She's pregnant." Remus paused looking towards Sirius. "She doesn't want the boy to end up in foster care, but she's too young to take care of him."

"That's awful, her parents won't help her?"

"She doesn't have any Padfoot. They were murdered when she was a kid." Remus inhaled and bit the inside of his cheek. "How do you feel about being a dad?" He breathed out.

Sirius dropped the screwdriver, the screw still sticking out of the wood of the shelf. "What?"

"We could.... adopt the boy? Dora can come round see her kiddo, he'd be loved Pads."

"I just- I don't think- I can't Moony. I can't. I can't. I can't. I have to- I'll be back." Sirius was trying to catch his breath, to explain to Remus that he wasn't leaving for good.

"Sirius? Love, are you okay. It's okay we can wait. We can talk it out?" Remus reached towards Sirius who was standing up and heading towards the door.

"Yes- Talk. Just not now. I'll be back-I'll be back. " Sirius ran out the door leaving Remus sat near an unfinished bookshelf tugging at his curls.

++++++++

Sirius was still afraid of many things. He was afraid of cows, afraid of tight closed spaces, afraid of dragonflies. Fears come and go for Sirius all the time but being a father? Sirius has done that before. His kid ended up hating him, fell in line into a cult despite his many attempts to stop and was now missing.

Sirius approached a small brass cross. It was embellished with snakes and planted into the tree him and Regulus used to hide at.

"Hello Reg. I know i've not been here, well neither are you." Sirius laughed to himself. "Remus he asked me a question today. Asked if I wanted to be a dad. I ran. It's what I'm good at, you'd tell me that." Sirius wiped a tear from his cheek.

"Being a dad though? Not so good at that. I know logically that i was a kid too but i couldn't protect you, how am i supposed to protect him?" Sirius continued to chat to Regulus through all his fears. It had begun to get dark and Sirius had fallen asleep against the trunk of the tree.

+++++++

"Sirius?" Remus had shaken Sirius and he had begun to blink awake. Remus spent 3 hours trying to figure out where Sirius could have gone; he checked the park Padfoot liked to run in, the coffee shop Sirius ran too after he ran away and lastly, the small grave Sirius had planted for his little brother.

"Moony?" Remus sat down next to Sirius and leaned into his side.

"Good morning Pads. I think it's time we had that talk huh?"

"I'm sorry for running Remus." Sirius tilted his head on top of Remus'. "Having a kid outside of Reggie. I mean I know he's not my kid-"

"Sirius listen to me. Regulus will always be your kid. You raised him, you gave him food, you showed him laughter. You protected him from really evil people. This- His death? It isn't on you. You tried Sirius, you went back 3 times. Walburga cursed you every single time." Sirius shook his head.

"We haven't even found him! He's missing and he's dead. I can't do that to another kid." Sirius cried into Remus. "I'm scared I will miss that boy up too."

"You didn't mess up Regulus. Did you hit him?" Sirius shook his head. "Did you tell him you would only love him if he joined the Death Eaters?"

"I would never."

"Did you starve him when he cried?" Sirius shook his head again. "Okay good, so what did you do to him exactly Sirius?"

"I left him there. I knew what they would do."

"What would they have done if you stayed?" Remus let the answer wash over him. The potential death of Sirius Black sitting in the area around them.

"Can we name him?" Sirius asks eventually. "Regulus liked the name Edward, he always named the teddy bears I got him Edward." Remus laughed dipping his head down.

"He names his teddys... Teddy?"

"No Edward I just said!"

"Pads love, Edward is the long form of Teddy."

"Godric, Regulus was 70 years old?!" Sirius joined Remus in his laughter. For the first time since Regulus went missing, Sirius laughed in his memory.

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Merry Christmas - Please Don't Call

⚠️THIS IS BLACK BROTHER ANGST! WHILE NOT EXPLAINED, THERES MENTION OF BOTH ABUSE AND HOMOPHOBIA! ⚠️

It had been twelve months since Sirius was made to left. Both brothers had been avoiding each other, in the halls to and from classes, in Potions class which Regulus was annoying well at-and Sirius was frustratingly terrible at. Even when Marlene got unfortunately closer to Dorcas "the self-proclaimed Slytherin Queen" Meadows, Sirius was able to become busy the same day as all the parties (James always brought back one firewhiskey and held Sirius' hair back when the morning came). This year would be the first christmas the black brothers spent apart, the first year Regulus would be without a present on Christmas morning. Sirius didn't know if he still believed even now that he's 16, but he surely wouldn't after this year. Winter break began Saturday, Sirius should have been packing for the trip to the Potters but he came across one of Regulus's muggle books and started walking.

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Regulus was sorting his items out with Pandora. Sorting through his books, his writing, his letters and determining which ones wouldn't get him another cut on his ankle. "Panda, I want a few scones from the kitchen so I'm going. Did you want anything?"

"Hmm, nothing edible. But can you tell Tilly the nargales are the ones stealing the fairy bread?"

"Isn't fairy bread Australian?"

"Not bread, butter and sprinkles. The rolls the fairy's from Forest bake. They bring 7 rolls to the 7 elfs."

"Oh."

"So will you tell Tilly? She asked me to look into it?"

"Yeah I will tell her Panda. See you in a moment." Regulus nodded and turned to leave.

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Sirius had finally come back to his self. The outside feeling had not been new. In fact it had become more often since Regulus Sirius left. He found himself slumped against the basement wall, his knees pulled to his chest and his eyes sore. He got up and began to head back to his common room when he was bumped into by someone he knew.

"I'm sorry, it's awfully hard sneaking around with- Sirius?" Regulus muttered. There was his older brother who was avoiding any possible interaction with him. His eyes red and swollen, his hair longer than before and more unruly then was allowed. "How are you? Are you-"

"Stop. I remember Regulus. I remember how you stood there and you meant it. You know the funny thing about that curse, you have to want it."

"It was me or you. You can't blame-"

"I can. I can and I will. My entire life it was me or you Regulus. Even that night, I told- I told that I was in love with my best friend to stop you from getting punished for asking about Andy." Sirius breathed out, like speaking the words was painful. "I went through that for you and you just hurt me too."

"I know. I'm sorry." Regulus muttered, his eyes now also red and slightly watery. "Merry Christmas Sirius." He said finally still looking at the shadow of his older brother.

"Please don't write."

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James takes up a lot of space. His voice is loud and he jumps up and grabs object to puppeteer his long stories. If you could envision the space his bubble would stretch and fill an entire room.

Unlike James, Regulus made himself small. His arms always at his side or interlinked behind his back. He rarely spoke out and when he did it was short and most often cruel. Regulus did not believe he had a bubble but he always felt outside of someone else's.

When the two boys shared early mornings huddled in the quidditch locker room, Regulus never felt shoved to the corner of the room, and James didn't feel the need to entertain.

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"have you ever stared directly at the sun? have you ever shared some closeness so exposed and have it spit back by someone?" Noah Kahan

okay and so what if i said it was regulus and remus? what then?