The Great Escapist @devotedlysparklystranger-blog1 - Tumblr Blog

One of those shitty days.

Today sucks.

It's one of those days where the little things keep going wrong.

You'd think it wouldn't bother me, but when 36 bad things happen all at once, it's enough to turn and smile into a frown.

You name it, it's either: broken, missing, forgotten, messed up, or I have absolutely zero chance of getting it.

The guy I like, my makeup, my phone charger, my MetroCard (as a fucking commuter in NYC), oh - and my sanity. Lost that a few minutes ago.

If you're reading this and looking for a silver lining, here it is:

Your day is probably going to be 300x better than mine and I can almost guarantee it.

The Fall

The initial sight is enough to knock you off your feet.

Sparkling eyes find yours and in that moment, you wonder if everything up to this point has been real

Because those eyes make you feel like you're truly alive for the first time.

Sun-kissed skin glows as his hand finds yours.

Then lips with the perfect shade of pink curl into a teasing smile,

And your whole world comes crashing down,

Because no one has ever smiled at you like that before.

Brows that seem to never need maintenance wiggle in your direction,

And the laugh that follows leaves your heart a puddle in your thoracic cavity.

When you walk down the street you hear a sloshing sound and remember:

"This is where my heart used to be. Now? Now there's a cocktail of frustration, confusion, brief moments of joy, and an overall feeling of no control. Yes. This is where my heart used to be... until he found a way to remove it. And unfortunately, there was no anaesthesia in sight."

The world seems a bit brighter when he pops in my mind,

Then it begins to dim when I realize there's probably been hundreds on his operating table...

And like me, they didn't even know it.

Any light within me begins to flicker out because the thought of him with anyone else is enough to bring tears to my eyes.

Keep a box of tissues close by if you find yourself falling for someone...

That is, if you don't manage to catch yourself in time.

Hold onto whatever you have to in order to stay afloat,

Because I've noticed that love is an ocean of ebbing and flowing desire,

Surges of intense emotions that sometimes have no name, rhyme, or reason,

Then like the building of a wave, as soon as you hit the peak, the trough approaches all too quickly after.

When you hit the coast, there's a moment of sheer peace before being sucked back into the swells,

Salty hands pulling you back whether you like it or not.

He is like an ocean,

Because for the most part, I never know what to expect.

A lover?

A loss?

A friend?

A foe?

The greatest love I may ever know?

The greatest loss I might never call mine?

The thing about the ocean is that you never know what lies beneath - but from the surface, it may be calm and enticing.

What swims beneath the surface, though, may be the difference between grabbing a snorkel to explore the depths

And paddling back to the shore without so much as a second glance back at what floats behind you.

You plummet onto the sand and it seems like your time can finally move forward,

But there will always be traces of salt left,

No matter how hard you try to wash them away.

That's what happens when you fall into a love so deep, it swallows you whole.

No one can prepare you for it and sometimes you have to grab onto whatever you can to keep from capsizing.

If you find yourself treading,

Take a breath.

Look around

And wait for it.

The fall.

Reasons Why You Will Never Be My Maid of Honor

When I needed someone to pick me up, you stepped on my fingers until I was forced to let go.

I’ve given you so many chances but no matter how many times I extend the olive branch, even when you were the one who started the attack, you snapped the branch in two and spit it in my face.

You then proceeded to use the jagged ends of the stick to poke and prod at me.

But you failed because I didn’t bleed.

So you kept poking and proding.

But my skin had become so tough over the years due to your despicable and cruel hatred that you couldn’t break through.

So you found sharper items to stick me with and continued your assault.

When I called for help, no one listened.

When I spoke of your cruelty and abuse, no one would believe my words.

They were all the truth.

The sad, cruel, unspeakable truth.

You used to make me think that I was worthless.

That no one could ever love me.

That I could never love myself.

When you’re insecure and doubt yourself, you always attack me first, even when I’m on your side.

I’ve held your hair back when you were sick,

Taken care of you when you were drunk,

Stuck beside you throughout countless street fights,

all for you to be the one who hit me when I wasn’t looking.

Each time you failed, I tried to help you up.

Each time I failed, you stored it in your arsenal to use at your disposal.

When you cried, I emptied my backpack until I could find you a crumpled Dunkin Donuts napkin and then proceeded to dry your tears.

When I cried, you laughed.

When you were going through the unthinkable, I sat beside you and held your hand.

When I thought my world was ending, you told me the world didn’t care about me to begin with.

When you were drunk and couldn’t stand, I showered and clothed you;

I sat by your bed until the sun rose, and helped you get back on your feet.

When I was sick, you weren’t even in the same house as me.

The one person I thought who would always be there to help me reach the stars tied cinder blocks to my ankles and cackled while I got rope burn.

I bought you gifts to make you smile.

You bought me gifts and expected the money back.

I used to want to be just like you.

I used to dream about you being beside me on my big day.

But each milestone, you’ve made all about you.

Your drama seeps into my life and erases me from the eyes of those around me.

I have never met anyone more selfish.

I can’t believe I ever wanted to be like you.

You let me down and as of today, I am officially finished.

You will never be my maid of honor because it’s their job to bring joy and ease to the bride.

With you, I’d have to worry about you getting drunk and starting a fight with someone who you thought blinked at you the wrong way.

You will never be my maid of honor because all I’ve ever done is try to understand you and all you’ve ever done is push me away.

You will never be my maid of honor because you hurt me in more ways than you could ever imagine, and because you’re “pretty” you got away with it.

You might not even be welcome at my wedding.

I’m not completely sure.

But as of now, this much I know for sure:

You will never be my maid of honor because there is nothing honorable about you.

You’re not my friend.

You wished I wasn’t your family.

And you wished I wasn’t your sister.

So consider your wish granted.

You will never be my maid of honor because I’m reserving that place for my sister.

7.14.17

10pm

(ROK TIME)

Happy Valentine’s Day...

Making plans with you shouldn’t be this hard.

It sucks that we’re closer now but couldn’t be farther apart.

Time just keeps slipping by and doesn’t seem to be our friend,

Looks like our schedules will never coincide and the meetings will never end.

I miss your goofy smile and the way you squint your eyes,

It made me laugh and made me smile and made you quite a prize.

But things just don’t feel the same, ever since we got back,

You’re going your way, I’m going mine, and we’re just on different tracks.

I love you, more than you know, and I mean it when I say,

all I want is to see you smile, so Happy Valentine’s Day.

#happyvalentinesday #love #imissyou #poem #lovepoem #friend #drifting

“Insert Title Here”

It’s funny how labels are thrown around. They need to be earned, not just given.

Stood up, left out, forgotten about; situations we’ve all probably been in.

Plastic pieces aren’t welcome in my circle of “those who shall not be named.”

My new “take no prisoners attitude” comes accompanied with a girl who will not be tamed.

Friend? Foe? Titles places upon you, always with a reason behind.

Think about the last person you screwed over, keep them in the back of your mind.

Liar? Cheater? Two-faced? Traitor?

Make up your mind, your actions determine your name later.

Who will you be? Which will suit you?

The one everyone searches for, or the one who never comes through?

Heed this warning, whoever you are

Titles can break you, or they can take you far.

To discourage you is not my overall intent,

but to help open your eyes is why I’ve been sent.

Pedestals are at times where we perch those who seem untouchable,

their motives seem pure, their presence irreplaceable.

But this my friends, is simply not the case,

I call you friend instead of foe, so you don’t make my same mistake,

of trusting those who aren’t worthy of your affection,

who may mold you and shape you, till you are a stranger to your reflection.

As a survivor of betrayal and loss,

I ask, “Are you willing to lose yourself, no matter the cost?”

For once you go forward, you cannot go back.

Time is funny that way, only one direction on its track.

My words are to warn you of what could possibly be,

Hopefully, not a repeat of my personal history.

Many believe the one who bestows the title is to blame,

but the one who holds it is just as responsible, if not more, than the same.

Words have a greater power than any of us truly know,

They can build bridges or burn them, keep you down or help you grow.

Memories of the past fill my head, leaving me to ponder,

the idea of what we could have been like. My mind can’t help but wander.

As I sit here and remember, what they all did to me,

the scars they left, the abuse I faced, in every way there could be.

Physical harrassment made an appearance, along with verbal and mental,

Emotional harrassment came along for the ride, with cyber bullying as central.

Those who were labeled my friend, I called the “knights of light”

for it was their job to have my back, but they never helped me fight.

From those days I’ve learned the hard lesson, that Life always teaches.

There are very few people you can trust, take this advice, beseech it.

We offer up our trust to those who brandish their titles with ease,

but they do not realize how much of our hearts are truly on our sleeves.

We excuse the mistakes and tell ourselves, they’ll do better next time.

But they screw up again, and ask yourself, “Will everything be fine?”

What if next time it’s more urgent, the matter to which you must attend?

Will you be able to call on those you gifted with the label “friend”?

If you have to even think twice, the answer is always a no,

You should already be able to tell, your heart will tell you so.

As a used to be pawn in this game we call Life, I offer you this wisdom:

Rid yourself of those who hold you back and become the Queen or King of your own Kingdom.

Laugh at the hate and encourage the love, never stop fighting your way through.

Because one day you will wake up and realize the most important title, you can have in this world is YOU.

The Truth

I’m not all that good.

I try to be.

But it’s hard.

My intentions are never to hurt those around me, althought sometimes, that’s the end result.

I don’t want to be this way,

or feel this way.

I just wish someone knew the truth.

No matter how much I try, I’m not all that good.

No One Noticed

Pictures were still posted. Laughs were still shared. Smiles were still present, And I didn't have to be there. Skates and lights, Bells and whistles. Mistletoe, holly, trees, and thistle. The brisk winter air made their hearts race, As the same breeze passed by and slapped me in the face. The tears that rolled down their cheeks with laughter, The ones that streaked mine were from hardwork and after. I made my bed in which I must lie. They replaced me with the new addition. That guy. So I scrolled and saw memories that no one could miss. Faces full of happiness, joy and bliss. I realized then, from that moment on, We never really had the strongest bond. I'll slowly go my way and they'll go their own, While I sit here with cyclohexane and bones. This time I'm sure won't be the last, So I'll move on and leave the past in the past. While they reminisce about a moment I missed, I realize that I'm lucky, No one noticed.

skywalkerchick1138

“Those poor boys”

“She deserves to be punished too.”

“I’m not saying I support rape, but-”

“Sorry to say - she deserved it.”

“She put herself in harm’s way”

“But if she was fingered, then that’s not rape.”

“She ruined their lives.”

super-secret-bi-spy

“Well she didn’t exactly say ‘no’..”

“Yea, but did you see what she was wearing?”

“Boys will be boys!”

“She should know better than to drink at a party…”

minimalistfish-blog

Cannot not reblog.

dephus

Like attracts like. That is, what you are or think you are is what you will attract.

Sabrina Alexis (via ohteenscanrelate)

I don’t know if I believe this anymore...

I Wish

I wish you could see me in me what you see in her.

I wish the words that came out of my mouth were more than just a mumbling.

I wish you know how much I loved you and your humor.

I wish I had your wit and grace, and with my words I wasn’t always stumbling.

I wish I had met you in a different setting so that I might have had a fair chance,

I wish you could see me as more than a friend, then you would give me a second glance.

I wish you knew how much you hurt me that day, when you didn’t show up at my room

I wish you knew that I was acting when I said, “It’s fine. Do what you need to do.”

I wish you wanted to get to know me as much as I’ve gotten to know you.

I wish you’d give me that same smile from that first day, when you threw your keys at me and from then I knew.

I wish you knew how valulable you are, to this team and to my life.

I wish people could see how humble you are and how you’re just working through your own strife.

I wish you saw in me what you say you see in her.

I wish you felt the same, not on the fence, but sure.

I wish I was enough for you. I wish you not deter, from the face already in your mind,

I wish you hoped I was her.

Is It My Turn Yet?

To be happy.

To be loved.

To be kissed.

To be held.

To be the other half someone is looking for?

To matter.

To feel important.

To succeed.

To have support.

To stop crying.

To matter.

To get what I want.

Is it my turn yet?

Will it ever be?

Sick of This Shit.

If I wasn’t there, no one would have even noticed. The only thing that would have been missing was the cake and the girl who didn’t know how to dance to the music she didn’t even know. Everyone else had a great time. That’s all that matters right? Put everyone’s happiness before my own. I mean, that’s what I was taught to do. And don’t complain! Oh, never complain! You can’t complain because then someone might actually have to care about you or your feelings! But no. As long as everyone else did what they wanted. As long as everyone else got what they wanted. That’s all that matters. Right? Isn’t that all that matters? I cried myself to sleep. But no one heard me. You know why? Because I’m great at being present but not being there. I can’t tell you how many fake smiles I’ve had to plaster on my face over the past five years. I have to smile when I feel like crying, cheer when I feel like screaming, and celebrate when all I want to do is run away. But crying without anyone knowing is my specialty. I’ve seemed to have mastered the silent cry.

And even when it’s my moment. My one moment, it doesn’t even last a second. I’m cast aside after working my ass off. I’m not appreciated. Not celebrated. Not a second thought to anyone. And you know what, that’s fine. I’m done. I’ve baked my last cake and broken my back for the last time.

I’m so sick of giving all of myself just to have it snatched. No one has ever made the effort for me. Well, I’ve learned my lesson. No more.

They never asked what flavor cake I wanted... they never even got me a cake.

#fuckthis #venting #alone #unappreciated #unloved #unwanted #independent #forgetthisshit #idontneedthisshit #bullshit #notakiss #notahug #nolove #sad #idontcareanymore #done

Jealousy

It’s an ugly thing, jealousy.

It can tear apart the best of friends, families, loved ones. It can break the strongest of bonds and burn the sturdiest of bridges.

Right now, as I write this, I am jealous.

Of the those acing the same class I’m struggling in.

Of the whole families that get to come together for Thanksgiving.

Of the relationships all of my friends are in.

Of the people who know which direction they want their lives to go.

Of this my friends, I am jealous.

It seems like everyone knows what the hell they’re doing and then there’s me.

Lost. Clueless. Stranded.

I don’t know where I’m going. I know where I’ve been, but sometimes I forget even that. It’s getting harder and harder to remember. Some moments stick out; a neon sign in my memory. Others... I wish I could forget.

I feel bad about being jealous. I feel bad coveting something when I already have been blessed with so much in my life. I guess it proves true the saying, “We always want more.” I don’t know. I guess it’s just hard around this time of year. Everyone’s either with their family or significant other and here I am single and currently in a family divided.

Welp. Life sucks.

#fuckthis

A Message to My Brother

I’m sorry I always mess things up.

You’re such a great little brother to me (most of the time) and you deserve a sister who is nicer, funnier, smarter, and everything that I am not. You deserve one who is as amazing as you.

I act like I know the answers to everything and like I know what’s best for you, but the truth is, I don’t know anything.

When Mom left, I wanted to take care of you. I did my best to be there for you in everything I could. I could’ve done more. I just wanted you to grow up feeling loved. Maybe because sometimes, I felt like I wasn’t. I wanted you to feel like you always had someone on your side. Because I never felt like I did.

The truth is you deserve better.

You’re such a caring person with a heart bigger than you let others know. That’s what’s so great about you. While selfish people like me do things and crave recognition, you do everything but don’t say a thing. You just do it. I wish I was more like you. I wish I was as selfless, as kind, as good at math, and as talented as you. The truth is, I’m mediocre at best. I put on a front like I’m this amazing person but the truth is, I’m nothing special.

I can barely sing, my drawing is average, I guess I can kind of dance, and at times I make people laugh. I barely help people and don’t think I really make a difference anywhere. The truth is, the only person who has ever supported my stupid dreams was you. And I always take that for granted. I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I’m such a bitch to you at times. I’m sorry for the times I hurt you without realizing. I’m sorry for the times I hurt you on purpose. I’m sorry for not being the sister you deserve. I’m sorry for not playing with you when you ask because I’m too busy with my own things. I’m sorry for always messing everything up. I’m sorry I’m not that good of a cook. I’m sorry that I always seem to let you down. I’m sorry I couldn’t make it to any of your football games this year. I’m sorry I wasn’t there to wear the shirt you gave me with your team logo with your varsity jacket on top like I should’ve. I’m sorry for the times I yell at you when you don’t deserve it. I’m sorry if I ever made or make you feel like I don’t love you. I’m sorry for the times I’m a lazy fuck and sit inside instead of coming out with you, even when you beg/ begged me. Looking back on it now, I see that I have been a really shitty sister. Yet you still remain the best brother anyone could ever pray to have. I’m blessed to be your sister and I take it for granted.

The truth is, I don’t deserve to have you as a brother. I’m unlucky in every other thing I do, but I was lucky when you were born. I was given a built in best friend and all I seem to do is disappoint you. I’m so sorry. You deserve so much better than me. You’re growing up so fast and it scares me. I’m so used to you being around that I take it as a given. But it’s not. You’re getting older, talking to girls, going to parties, and going to be graduating high school soon. Then I’ll blink and you’ll be off to college and forget all about me. I don’t want to lose you, J. You’re my best friend. I’m sorry if I ever make you feel like anything less than the truly incredible brother and person that you are.

You’re always my rock and I feel like all I ever do is cry and annoy you. I’m sorry if I act weird sometimes or don’t always know the right thing to say. There’s so many things I want to apologize for, big and small, but I can’t think about what they are because all I’ve been doing since I started writing this ten minutes ago is cry. Cry because I’m such an awful sister. Cry because sometimes I feel like you hate me. Cry because I feel like you deserve better. And cry because when the whole world seems to be against me, you’re there; but when I hurt you, I’m all alone.

It breaks my heart when we don’t talk or see each other at some point during the day because, no matter how much I bitch or complain or fight with you, I wouldn’t want any other brother. You’re my little brother but act like you’re older and I love you for it. You protect me, console me, support me (even when everyone says I should quit), know what to say to help or hurt me (it’s usually the former), and most importantly, you’re there for me. I can never thank you enough for that.

This whole message started because you wanted to play a game of chess with me and I was a bitch and didn’t. You didn’t deserve that. All you deserve is the best and I’m going to spend the rest of my days trying to be the big sister you deserve to have, following the example you set for me every single day. I’m proud to call you my brother. You always make me proud. Now it’s my turn.

I love you little brother.

Let’s Get Something Straight

WARNING: Rant ahead. (Do not take the “you” as aimed at you, the reader. This is more for the guys reading this, the You-Know-Who-You-Are’s of the world, if you will.)

If you and I are not in a relationship, and I mean a definitive and clearly distinguished relationship, or if no mention of one is in our near future, I can talk to anyone I want. If you like me and you don’t say something, that’s YOUR fault.

I am so sick and tired of guys thinking that they must always have my undivided attention. Bitch, please. You’re not the only friend I have or the only guy I’m talking to. That’s not to say that I’m promiscuious or anything, but at the same time, I like to keep my options open. That doesn’t mean that what I say to these guys is fake or that my interest in them is false. I just don’t want to box myself in until I know it’s something I can really trust. So for now, let me live!

For instance, there’s this guy that might like me. Sometimes he acts like he does, other times he doesn’t. Now, I’m not waiting for him to make up his mind if I have another guy who genuinely cares about me. I’m gonna to talk to that guy (DUH). For all intents and purposes, this guy will be known as “Josh.”

Now, I was looking forward to seeing Josh today. I dressed cute and figured, if I saw him, I’d be killing two birds with one stone (looking cute and showing him how cute I look). And in the beginning, it worked. But then, he left and said he’d be back. Almost an hour later he returned, to find me talking to a student I’d mentored over the summer. (Yes, a male student.) I had about 3 people talking to me at once, and Josh was too far for me to talk to. Now, if Josh really did like me, don’t you think he would’ve come over and said something, or at least tried to grab my attention?

If you answered yes to this, thank you. If not, I have nothing to say to you.

Now, I was waiting for Josh to come back. I was. It’s not my fault that 10 different people came and went while he was gone. I wasn’t going to sit still and silent till he returned. I talked to my friends. And when he saw me paying attention to someone that wasn’t him, my hypothesis is that he got jealous. And do you know why I drew this conclusion? 1) He normally walks me to class before he goes home. This time, he didn’t. 2) He left without saying goodbye, which he always does (even though he’s always awkward about it. 3) I messaged him and he didn’t reply. (Either he’s driving and didn’t see it, or he’s just being petty - and I know it’s the latter because he saw the message. Bitch.)

I turned to see if he was ready to go and the next thing I knew, I was watching him walk out the door. What a jackass!

If he liked me, I wish he would just ask me out or just tell me! I’m not a fucking mind-reader! This same shit happened to me last year and I lost a friend because of it (although in hindsight, I guess he was not a real friend to begin with). I just wish guys would stop getting so jealous over nothing. If I’m talking to a guy, that doesn’t mean I’m flirting with him. Hate to break it to you pal, but I do have other friends with penises! You’re not the only one! Shocker!

Maybe if he was more direct with me none of this would be happening. He’s so “wish-washy” when it comes to us. There’s not even an “us.” I don’t even know if I can call him a friend because there are days when he’s just a dick and I don’t want to talk to him, but then days like today, when I was excited to see him. But he ruined it. Shocker. (That “shocker” part was sarcasm, for those of you who weren’t caught on by now).

I don’t think he’s a bad guy (although at the moment, he’s not my favorite).

I just wish he’d open his eyes and see that, if would just be open with me, that I might be interested in seeing if there could ever be an “us...”

Right now, however, I need to get back to my class. Oh yea. I’m in class right now because I couldn’t wait to post this because I’m so ticked off.

Funny side note: My teacher has been calling on me and I’ve managed to give all the right answers (one was an educated guess).

I’m gonna go and get some work done. Gotta get that degree!

Later Loyal Readers and anyone else who stumbled upon this post!

xoxo

freakishonhulu

This is not a drill. 🔔 The #FreakishonHulu pilot is here.

Watch now and celebrate #FreakWeek with free episodes every day on Tumblr: http://hulu.tv/FreakishOnHulu

Stream all episodes on @hulu.

nikidrawsthings

so excited for the new season to start tonight!

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