Can't we have something fun to talk about? How about the name Porky? How's you get it and how come you never changed your URL to match it? (If this ends up double sent its because the app crashed and I wasn't sure if it went through or not)
WELL IT’S A LONG AND INTERESTING TALE FULL OF DRAMA, ROMANCE, AND ACTION.
(warning: some events may be embellished for the sake of the art)
(note: read in old western/ Bastion narrator voice for maximum effect)
The year was 2013. I was young, confident, and ready to take on the evil SJWs and their reign of tyranny and terror. I stripped my normie blog title ‘superspecialawesomeattack’ and donned a new, more appropriate one. One that would accentuate my totally awesome and correct and faultless beliefs. One that would show those internet teenagers just who was boss around here. I became: ‘the-eagle-atarian’.
It was me, my 72 followers, and my logic™ against the barrage of insanity that was tumblr dot com. I started in the feminist tag, taking them one-by-one with unchecked lists of statistics and videos by the amazing atheist. They didn’t stand a chance against me. I quickly moved on to ‘otherkin’ and ‘social justice’ becoming notorious in each region.
Several keks later, I had amassed I healthy following of around 1200 followers, most of which still stick around today.
I was just your good ol’ fashioned logical™ anti-SJW.
“feministnintendo“ was the name but she was not playing games with us. Whispers of her antics had permeated the anti-SJW community. anti-sjw-ganandorf had taken her on, but fell shortly after her triple-combo-panic-attack. luigi-for-real-justice deleted shortly after his altercation with her, claiming that he “was sick of this toxic community :))))” etc.
And now she was after me.
The website was tense - nobody dared to post in case she came at you with another feminist lecture. It was pure unnatural internet silence.
She came for my inbox first. Claiming I was a misogynist, a racist, transphobe, and a whole other slew of -ists and -phobics. I brushed it off, smug anime girls still in check. This was nothing I hadn’t dealt with before.
They came out of the woodwork, I tell you. trans-girl-bowser, bpd-homestuck, autistic-kirbyxD, all the SJWs had piled on top of me with insults and excerpts from the latest Jezebel article. I was cornered, my lels shaken. My sides still intact.
“Any last words, bigot?” feministnintendo stood there confidently. The fedoras strapped to her belt, memories of my fallen m8s, shook lazily in the breeze. “Misogynists like you never learn. It’s always BTFO and TOPKEK AND DOUBLES with you people. Well… welcome to the real world, neckbeard.”
However, I had one last chance. The final ace up my trench-coat sleeve.
“Ha, I feel sorry for you.”
I had finally spoken. My fellow anti-SJWs gasped behind me. I was the silent protagonist no longer. I continued, blood running down from my mouth.
“You and your blue-haired cult just don’t get it. You believe in a world filled with misandry and hatred and irrationality. Well, I… us. We believe in a world of logic™, egalitarianism, opportunity! And the ability to post smug anime girl gifs however often we want!”
The crowd roared behind me. ‘ANTI BOIS’ ‘YOU TELL EM SON’ ‘GO KEK EM UP’
This was it. The time to reveal my ultimate ace in the whole. One ctrl +v later and it was all as clear as day. EVERY single anti-SJW statistic and source one could ever need, including numerous archives of youtube videos by internetaristrocat, thunderf00t, and theamazingatheist, compiled by the only anti-SJW members with enough free time to do so.
I untipped my fedora, the silence had returned.
The sources ran loose. The feminists scurried. The crowd behind me screamed “BTFO” and “WHERE YOU AT WHERE YOU AT WHERE YOU AT” - the feminists tried their panic attack tactic but my intelligence was too much. Too poignant for their infantile minds.
The onslaught was over. Deactivated accounts sat where the feminists once stood. The anti-SJWs… had won.
My bois ushered around me. Dusting me off, claiming me to be their new leader.
“He’ll bring us to glory!”
“Maybe he can even take on swampbug!”
The crowd turned silent, turning to the entry level anti-SJW ‘pro-pencils-anti-feminists’.
“But…” he was nervous, his ‘I’m everything tumblr hates’ bio quivering above him. “What should we call him?”
The m8 closest to me, my day 1 right-hand man, turned towards my icon. A picture of Porky Pig making a smug face to the camera.
“Porky…” my right-hand man whispered. “We’ll call him Porky.”
My audience gazed towards me, waiting for my approval. I took off my fedora and brushed the dyed hair from it. I shrugged and placed the hat back on my head.
My audience roared once again. This time with “GO PORKY” “/PORKY/ IS ALWAYS RIGHT” “>implying it’ll stick” “EGALITARIANS WIN AGAIN”.
That night we shared many keks, lels, and greentext stories.