autism(tm)

so much brain rot, mainly jrwi ace/trans/queer (23)

[penandinkprincess]

extremely funny scenario in which rose joins shane as his plus one and moral support for going after the guy he wants at all stars because she can be his buddy and also his cover for making up for lost time with ilya

which is complicated by the fact that ilya takes one look at rose and shane at the bar (rose's arm looped through shane's in what ilya doesn't know is just a friends move) and BOOKS IT so he doesn't have to see this

and then proceeds to avoid them at EVERY fucking turn

this all terminates into rose going "fuck it I'm a true bro and I'm making this happen so help me GOD" and managing to arrange locking them in a closet together (which is. so funny. but this is not the time to point out the punchline.) (she'll save it.) so ilya can't run away.

and it's very sweet and they have their moment of honesty and yay back to ilya's room now fo-

the-the door is locked.

because it turns out that rose got a LITTLE too enthusiastic in locking it after her plan worked PERFECTLY and now something in the mechanism is broken.

so in one sense, shane did come out of the closet, but in another sense that's going to be funny only probably a few months from now, he AND ilya are now stuck in the closet in a way that is both metaphorical and also. painfully literal.

[kimberellaroo]

This scenario is also raising mental images of Rose from Minnesota "I have brothers" Landry being so determined to pin Ilya down to make him talk with Shane that all glamourous movie star persona drops away and she just fucking tackles him, and Ilya has no idea how to react to this attack so she actually succeeds in wrestling him to the ground

Shane's looking slightly scared by all this in the background, Ilya's saying "Shane! Your girlfriend attacked me!" And she's going "I'm NOT his girlfriend, now you two are going to TALK to each other, or so help me god" and drags them both to the closet

[penandinkprincess]

the idea of petite movie star rose landry tapping into her roots and turning into a linebacker to take down giant professional athlete ilya rozanov is SO goddamn funny

because also ilya would NOT know how to fucking react

like he wrestles with svetlana for fun but this is?? NOT FUN?? IS THIS?? AN ATTACK?? WHAT THE F U C K IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?? HE CAN'T ACTUALLY HIT HER BUT HE IS BEING FUCKING?? PINNED DOWN?? OH MY GOD???? DID HOLLANDER TELL HER ABOUT THEIR PAST TOGETHER????? IS THIS JEALOUSY?? THAT'S EXCITING BUT ALSO GET?? OFF??? WHAT THE FUCK???

[kimberellaroo]

"Shane, help me, call her off!" as Shane's just got his hands out, palms up, in a helpless "what am I supposed to do?" gesture

[penandinkprincess]

"shane!! get your girlfriend!!"

"she's not my girlfriend!" "i'm not his girlfriend!"

*brief moment of ooooh??? yay???? before returning to 'pinned to the ground with his face in the dirt' reality* "OKAY WELL GET YOUR WHATEVER OFF OF ME."

[wanderingmindpalacetales]

Lmaoooo knowing Ilya, not girlfriend means his brain would probably jump to fiance or worse they eloped and now WIFE

[penandinkprincess]

"GREAT FOR YOU. GET YOUR FUCKING FIANCEE OFF OF ME."

"what?" "what?" "what the fuck are you talking about?"

"CAN WE HAVE THIS CONVERSATION WHEN THERE IS NOT FUCKING CRAZY PERSON ON TOP OF ME, MAYBE?"

true insult to injury is rose so honestly thinking out loud, "you know, i thought you would be harder to tackle, honestly."

and ilya is just 🙄 yes, perfect. everyone just pile on when he's already on the ground in every sense of the phrase. 🙄

[jimmysownworld]

yuna getting really lovely, thoughtful, sometimes extravagant mothers day and birthday gifts from ilya never really understanding why hes going through all this effort even if she does appreciate it and thinks hes so so sweet for it all, even after the boys tell her and david about ilyas mother and the irina foundation it doesnt fully click for a while. it only comes together on some random day, ilya has a game later that night and he’s had lunch with yuna and david planned for a while and he shows up with the good vodka david likes and this small package of candies that ilya hands to her very shyly for the first time probably in his life, definitely since shes known him, and he explains with shaking hands that they were his mama’s favorite, and it was her birthday today.

yuna feels her heart break a little bit when he tells her that she would have been younger than her, maybe too young for how old her children are considering he had an older brother, but he thought about his mama when he was happy in the hollander home, and wanted to share his mamas favorite candy with the woman who was mama to his favorite person in the world. like they got to meet, in a way. and yuna realizes very suddenly that he does the birthdays and mothers days for both her and irina because she is the closest thing he has to a mother, and she looks at him and realizes with it that he is in some ways still 12, finding his mother, and she has never met a little boy so tall and tired when she pulls him into a hug and doesnt let go till david suggests they get inside for lunch.

[andwhatexcellentboiledpotatoes]

I was inspired by this post to write about how I think this would go...

****

It's 1:30am when Marleau calls. Ilya would have slept through it if Shane hadn't wacked him in the face with a pillow and mumbled "Dude, your phone is ringing, make it stop."

"Oh." Ilya rubs his eyes and picks up his phone. "It's Marly."

"Probably drunk calling you again." Shane says into his pillow.

"I will just make sure he is alright. Go back to sleep." Ilya says, running a hand through Shane's hair.

"Mmmm...kay.."

He heads out of the dark bedroom, tripping on a pair of disarded pants (his), closes the door behind him and switches on the hallway light. "Marly, are you calling me because you forgot your address to tell the Uber driver again..."

He stops, because it sounds like the person on the other end of the phone is crying. Ilya pauses, double checks. Yup, it's Marleau's name on the screen.

"Roz, I'm sorry, bro...."

"Are you okay? What's going on?"

His best friend hiccups. "I...I..."

"Marly, what is it? What did you do?"

"I'm straight!" Marleau almost wails.

Ilya sits down on the floor, his back against the bedroom door. If this is a dream it is a very weird one.

"Um.. okay... I know that. Why are you telling me this in the middle of the night?"

"Because I tried. I really tried, okay, I promise." Marly's voice is slurred, his words running into each other. Okay, so Shane was right about the drunk part...

"You tried what?"

"Guys, Roz, guys! Well, one guy. Figured I should just start with the one guy. And at first it was okay, kissing him was fine, and I liked it when he sucked my dick, that was really good, but then I went to suck his and it was just weird and gross! It tasted all sweaty and I didn't know what to do with my teeth and my tongue and then he told me to fuck him and I figured I could do that, cause he was like, turned around, so I thought it would be just like with a girl, but his balls were right there and I swear they were looking at me, and I... I couldn't do it! I made him leave..I'm sorry."

Marleau takes a breath for the first time and Ilya takes the oppertunity to jump in. "Marly, are you telling me you got drunk and hooked up with a guy?"

"What? No, the drunk part came later. I figured I had to be sober to see if I really liked it."

Ilya pinches the bridge of his nose and closes his eyes. "Okay, yeah, good, that's... I guess that's good." He takes a deep breath. "What guy? Where did you find him?"

"On Grindr."

"What?!"

"Well yeah, it seemed like the quickest way."

"Since when are you on Grindr?"

"Um, since this afternoon. I made a profile saying I was curious. I got a lot of matches, and this one guy said he would show me what I was missing, so I just invited him over."

"Oh my god, Marly, you're lucky you didn't get murdered! Okay, so you tried it and it wasn't for you, that's fine." Ilya says. "I don't understand why you're so upset about it."

"Because..." Marleau sniffs. "I thought maybe I could be bisexual too. You know, like you. But I'm not, okay, I'm not and I'm sorry, and... and..." he hiccups. "Are we even still going to be best friends if we can't talk about sucking dick together?" he wails.

"Marly, what the hell do you mean?"

"Well you know, that's how we bond, you and me, we talk about the girls we like and hook up with, and all that, and now you're like, in a proper relationship with a dude, and that's totally great, I'm happy for you, you know that, but that means you're never gonna be interested in girls again, so like, what are we even going to talk about?"

Ilya puts the phone on his knee so he can rub both his eyes."Marly. Bro. Are you telling me you hooked up with a guy because you thought it make us stay friends?"

"Well, I don't know. I'm sure you have all these gay friends now who you can talk to about fucking guys, so maybe you don't need me anymore and..."

"Marleau, you beautiful idiot." Ilya interrupts. "I can't believe I have to actually say this, but I am not friends with you just so I have someone to talk to about my hookups."

"You're not?"

"No. I am friends with you because I like you as a person."

"Really?"

"Yes. I promise."

Marleau sniffs again. "Okay. So I'm still your best friend?"

"Yes."

"Cool, that's cool."

They are both quiet for a few seconds. Marleau blows his nose.

"I cannot believe you sucked a guy's dick just to try to stay friends with me." Ilya says.

"Shut up." Marleau sounds almost like himself again. Crisis averted.

"No seriously, I think that is the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me..."

"Fuck you."

Ilya laughs, and he can hear Marleau laugh too. "I'm going back to bed now, okay? Will you be alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine, don't worry about me."

"Okay, I love you, dude. Even if you are straight."

"Thanks Roz. I needed to hear that. Love you too."

Ilya hangs up, chuckles to himself. Then he gets up, goes back to the bedroom, switching on the big light. "Shane, wake up, you are going to freak when you hear what Marly just did!"

[enderspawn]

[enderspawn]

happy do you like men monday

[jrwiclips]

FROM: Just Roll What If | Otherworldly Summoning

Chip: Are you gonna tur— Do you have magic? You gonna turn me into a square?

NPC: I could turn you into a square.

Chip: (sputters) Stay out of this, Gandalf!

Dakota: I don't know. Do you like men?

[pause]

Chip: What?

[orpheexist]

Here’s a little drawing of Will writing poetry ´cause why not

[fishingboatproceeds]

Cock is one of my favorite tastes. Not only that, but balls smell amazing. It makes me go a little crazy on it to be honest. Like, I cannot get it far enough down my throat to be satisfied. I’m only satisfied when I feel those intense, powerful, salty, hot pumps of cum down my throat. When I sit back on my heels, look up at you with cum all over my mouth and slobber running down my neck, hair all fucked up and wipe my mouth with the back of my arm and ask you if I did a good job and you cannot even speak because I’ve drained all of your energy out the tip of your dick….. That’s when I’m satisfied.

[fuckthiswebsiteihateeveryone-de]

john green u nasty and ugly as hell shut the fuck up

[fishingboatproceeds]

sweetie, you are literally so out of line it’s fucking unbelievable. i could drag you so hard right now but i know you’ll just end up crying. i’ve roasted you before and you know it. chances are you’ll just say i bullied you because you’re gay and have different skin. talk shit get hit, you don’t wanna mess with me kiddo; i’ve got a black belt. i know threats are fucked up but that’s all i’ve been receiving all day, probably from her royal hoodrat olive and all of her nasty friends. but you can gang up on me and make fun of me for being goth all you want. i’ve been hurt a lot. my first boyfriend cheated on me, my dad screams if i forget to do my chores, and there are some days i don’t even want to get out of bed in the mornings. i’m a jaded teenage girl. i’ve been through shit that you wouldn’t even dream of. you think your life is hard? try asking the cutest guy in your grade out in the middle of the cafeteria only to find out he has a fucking girlfriend. you don’t know my life or my story so keep my name out of your nasty mouth. life is a battlefield and it looks like i’ve already won.

[offshoreoilrig]

[reasons-to-not-end-it]

REASONS TO NOT END IT:

"if you're queer, stay alive purely to spite the ones who want you dead this pride month, if you're an ally, stay alive to support"

-anonymous

#813

[pixiecaps]

and btw when im throwing up in the toilet having a greened out panic attack never forget i was your ranboo blogger 6 years ago

[pixiecaps]

the hottest people at the club were posting paragraphs about romantic c!beeduo discourse and you have to be buy them a drink

[yorgen-sh]

[theydybird]

waiting for a ride home..

why are your parents always too busy?

i got things to do but instead i think about norah </3

[teathattast]

[thecryptkeeper]

i know the way people talk about their pets now is probably how we’ve been doing it for all of history. a cat owner in ancient rome saw their cat lounging on the dining pillows and commented “he thinks himself to be the senator claudius 🤣”

[sstarr-boy]

they are so stupid

[bedupolker]

Opposable thumbs are handy

[slothful-rabbit]

I laughed so fucking hard at this

[paint-lady]

[afurioushawk]

[afurioushawk]

[frustratedasatruar]

Real and growing possibility of him dying live on tv and nobody in the room noticing for minutes on end.

Likes charge, reblogs cast.