Ecstatic

Random Thoughts and mood, memes 🃏 , love animals, nature and music 🎶 Ps: I fly sometimes 🛫 mind you I'm AgEndeR with bpd so let's hope I don't trigger you 🙂 Swimming my way of out of my problems

[thesweetiepienovels]

Actually, you are enough. Even if you don’t work. Or study. Or go out. Or have friends. Or have family. You’re enough because you exist and your existence is enough to be enough because you are not a product. You are not a sum of output. You are not a task to complete. But because you are something the universe wanted and put here even if you’ll never understand why. Somewhere in the cosmos your existence makes a difference, even if it’s not the way others existences do.

[i-will-recover-tomorrow]

[thememedaddy]

[e-ski-mo]

This sounds fucking weird but I had a premonition that I would be dying shortly. It's a bad death. Very untimely. The kind of death that disfigures you. The one that has your parts all severed no one will know it's you. The kind that would traumatize your loved ones so much that they'd wish they could erase that gruesome image of your death.

It's so terrifying. Not because I'm scared to die or afraid of the pain before death. But because I'd leave the ones who I was dear to with a void which they'd take a lifetime trying to fill using distractions, obsessions, addictions, coping and suffering. I know it's not real. But I saw it so clearly. I could touch them from afar. They're watching my body. They're hoping it's all a dream. They're wishing they could travel back to yesterday so they'd get to hear and speak to me once last time. They're replaying every single time that I'd spent with them telling them I can't do this anymore but I pushed through because I don't want to hurt them.

I don't want to die first. Not even before people much younger than me. Maybe they'd move on and not feel the hurt so deep one day. But I don't want to hurt them like that in the first place. I wish I could decide when I die. I wish I could cause my own death legally. I think watching someone you love die before you is one of the hardest things. And I want to be the one to deal with that. I did spend a good amount of time growing up imagining I'm immortal and absorbing the pain of everyone I ever loved passing away right in front of me knowing that there'd be more to come but I'm going to love them like I always do. Knowing they'd leave. One of the closest things that can come to this feeling is having a pet that has only 10% of your lifespan. It hurts so bad but it's so beautiful that I would do it. Every single time. All over again.

[canonkiller]

many people sharing the writing post today... hard to keep up with..... know my universal advice:

if it sucks you should still write it

if it'll be unfinished you should still write it

if you never share it you should still write it

if it's not a linear fiction adventure you should still write it

if you will have fun writing it you should write it :)

[e-ski-mo]

Been a while, so let's write again

[jaubaius]

Found in a 120 year old time capsule.

Full VDO: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IoDj4mXdqmc

[justanotherweirdarchaeologist]

Worth it.

[whitebookposts]

I’m sorry I might sound like a madwoman for going on a rant about this but man, it’s… I don’t know how to express it but just the thought of some person, 120 years ago, taking a photo of their cat, which back then wasn’t easy - they didn’t have phones with cameras, each photo required a lot of time and dedication, so not only the person “wasted” a whole photo on their cat, they also did their fricking best to save this photo and carefully put it into an envelope to preserve it so that people in the future will know that there was this cat and it looked like this and it’s owner thought the cat looked lovely that day so much that they decided to take a photo of it and then they loved the photo so much that they went out of their way to preserve it for future generations like “hello people from the future! this is what my cat loos like!” because they loved their cat so much they wanted people from the future to know about it is… crazy to me… and here we are, 120 years later, long after the cat and it’s owners passed away, looking at an old photo of a cat and gushing about it. The cat died so long ago and wouldn’t even know it existed if not for the owner that loved their cat so much that they decided this photo was worth preserving and put it into a time capsule. and seeing now how people dedicate whole blogs to their cats and take countless pictures of them just to show to other people really hits because you realize that in the end, people from today aren’t that much different from people that were 120 years ago. We all just love our cats and want people to look at them.

[null-is-sparing-you]

I bet this woman was imagining the photo may be seen by like… a family some day. But no. It survived till the age of the internet. It has now transcended the original media. It is now being seen by far more eyes in far more places than the media she chose would normally allow. I hope the taker of this 120 year old photo is PROUD.

[departmentq]

[e-ski-mo]

It's been over 3 months now since I let my skin heal in that area and I'm so scared now.

I just want to stop picking my f&#*|ng scalp. Well I keep telling myself I won't and it's always lasted a max of day 3 from dday. Telling myself that at least I don't pick my hair anymore has not helped. I don't remember how I got over that. Someone give me strength.

[fatimazainab]

Margaret Atwood, The Blind Assassin

[dumblr]

“Do you have any regrets?” 

“Just one. I tried to heal a broken person with love, hoping they'd become whole. But all I did was break myself in the process.”  

[e-ski-mo]

Officially eligible for lobotomy

[e-ski-mo]

Do you know what it's like to have your heart pacing all the time? Do you always feel Like something really bad is bound to happen?

Do you know what it's like to be afraid of every step that you need to take and look out for everything that will most probably go wrong ? Do you imagine each thing imaginable that will ruin it for you?

Do you get jumpy when someone calls your name and does it feel like what did you do now? Do you know what it's like when it feels like everyone around you is there to get you? Is it like your brain is telling you that everyone secretly wants to hurt you and that their true motive is to ruin it for you?

Do you know what it's like to have someone who wants to be there for you through it all, help you cope and not shame you for it but you don't let them? Do you feel like even the one person who's here for you might not actually want to be there and that you're burdening them so much that they can't take it anymore? Do you in turn hurt them by being distrustful of their intentions and shame yourself for opening up to them?

When you realise that the crippling anxiety, paranoia and unending destructive thoughts are your home, do you think you can ever get out of your head and relax just for a moment?

When you're experiencing a constant state of unwanted alertness do you wish you could let your guard down for once but you know it's going to hurt if you do that?

[thixcy]

[e-ski-mo]

[prophetic-writer]

“What if I write it and it’s bad-”

WHAT IF YOU WRITE IT AND ITS GOOD? WHAT IF YOU WRITE IT AND ITS EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANTED? WHAT THEN????

[peutfaire]

i think its important to be comfortable being alone. i feel like my whole life i've been forcibly conditioned into having loneliness as my constant companion. through no fault of my own. not ideal for a child, but shit happens, life is what it is. it's not so bad - i now enjoy being alone and don't mind it. in fact, i often need my alone time to reset myself.

but even if loneliness has been my constant companion all these years... in the dark and in the quiet of the night, in some forsaken second of the living, it comes when you least expect it - well the loneliness can get to you.

and i have to remind myself that it's okay.

[e-ski-mo]

TW : mentions of hypothetical s*****e

I don't understand the meaning behind certain words. Not talking about complex english words that I could find in any dictionary or thesaurus. What I'm talking about are normal words that carry certain emotions to people. People in general or a lot of people light up when they say it, or they get disheartened or look distinctly frustrated. Words such as 'frustrated' which I just used above. Maybe to me that word carries an emotion or a feeling that I could relate to but maybe it doesn't to you. For the longest time I never knew what someone felt when they said they were 'hungry'. It seemed like a biological thing everyone felt but I never truly understood what that was. Was it a pain? Was it a desire? Do you feel it when you look at food or when you don't or your thoughts led you to think about food? Maybe I was fed frequently and I could never experience it and I was privileged for that. But why would my classmates who were well fed ask me if I was hungry too so that we would eat together? I could eat but was I hungry? I didn't understand. I would stop eating to understand when is it, that I would feel it. Slowly I learnt to associate it with me thinking about food and having a pain between my ribs. This is just one example. What about love? People say I love you all the time? Maybe this one is too complicated and maybe it doesn't have other words to describe it exactly for its true essence. How about anger? Or happy? Or sad?

What is it like to be happy? There would be visual cues right? Something for us to look at and say the other person is happy. Maybe a smile on the face? But how about a tear rolling down their cheek along with a smile. Maybe they're talking or doing things unusually fast or slow (what they call excited or hyper) because they want to convey that they're happy. Maybe they have a good sense of humor and are out there making jokes to make others laugh. Maybe you can see that they're optimistic. With my description for happy, now imagine that everything I said above was me talking about someone who killed themselves after showing those visual cues. Now were they actually sad? Did they pretend to be happy or they actually were? How would you know?

Now that's why this is so hard for me.

What if you feel so many things and once that you can't possibly set them apart?

What if you never felt hungry because you have learnt to eat when you're told to eat?

What if you never understood what's being sad ? Maybe it's crying or maybe it's something heavy in your chest or maybe there's numbness or maybe there's throwing things around or maybe there's gratitude or kindness ?

What if you never felt hate even if someone hurt you deeply or are not nice to people only because you keep thinking about what caused them to do what they do?

I know this one's a controversial thing but what if you felt like you loved someone but that's not how someone else feels what love is. I understand there's things that people never do to people they claim to love but maybe just maybe there's things that people are incapable of feeling. However, the world uses these words so commonly that people are forced to put their own interpretations of how they feel what the word means.

So how could one fully understand what a word that carries an emotion would mean?

Is it through meeting other people and asking them what the word means for them and use a statistical analysis to define it as a certain feeling?

Is it through books and poetry?

Is it through scanning one's brain when you tell them the word and see what part of their brain lights up?

Although it's a genuine query, I'd rather let it be another written piece for the fear of confrontation with my own emotions.

[thoughtkick]

“How amazing it is to find someone who wants to hear about all the things that go on in your head.”

— Nina LaCour; Hold Still