You get better,
As in, you eat.
You put milk in your coffee again
(You don’t like the taste of it black anyway)
Food no longer scares you,
But you remember when it did.
You don’t really skip meals on purpose anymore,
You don’t mind the days when you’re too busy to eat lunch.
You know why you’re in recovery
But you don’t always want to be.
Sometimes you think about going back,
Just for a day or two or three.
As if an illness can be treated like a weekend getaway
Like you can come and go as you please.
That’s like an alcohol having “just one drink” ,
A drug addict saying “after this time I’ll get clean”
It’s not something you can control,
Even when you know better,
Even when you think you can,
Even when you want to.
It’s like your house caught on fire and barely survived the flames
Yet you still leave candles burning while you’re asleep.
It doesn’t work that way and it never will.
If you let those disordered thoughts back in they’ll refuse to leave.
See, in some ways you do get better,
And in others, maybe you never will, not completely.
It’s why you have to keep putting milk in your coffee each morning,
And eating the foods that once would have sent you spiraling into tears.
You have to consistently keep doing the things that helped you get better
Even when they’ve worked.
Especially when they’ve worked.
When they say, “you have to choose recovery everyday”
It’s not an exaggeration or a figure out of speech.
You really do, every single day, and probably more than once throughout it.
Sometimes you might think, “one bad decision won’t reverse all the good ones.”
And you’re right, it doesn’t,
But it may influence the choices you have to make tomorrow.
Recovery isn’t so much about getting better
But rather getting better at making decisions that make you healthier
Over ones that keep you sick.
Making choices based on what you know rather than how you feel,
Because feeling better is unreliable, it fluctuates just like the weather
So yes, you do get better,
But not always how you’d expect to
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