eden

literally just bullshxt 18+ please and thank you

[ollielephant]

[cumonthevoid]

none pizza with left beef

[the-chocolate-chip-pancake-blog]

It should be a rule of Tumblr to always reblog none pizza with left beef

[worldheritagepostorganization]

World Heritage Post

[lilisouless]

WHERE IS SHE?

WHERE DID THEY TOOK HER?

[staffs-secret-blog]

Took her out back and had her shot

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

rice is the perfect food and westerners should eat more of it i'm so serious

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

you can season it, you can drizzle it with sauce, you can cook it in broth or coconut milk, you can add spices sugar butter sesame oil rice vinegar, you can mix it w/ garlic & scallions & veggies, you can fry it and scramble an egg in it, it goes with meat & seafood & protein, it reheats great with a bit of water, it's cheap, insane shelf-life, ideal for bulk buy discounts, many types & shapes & textures, there are thousands of recipes ranging from china to india to japan to the middle east to latin america to europe. AND a rice cocker cooks it for you. the many splendors that await you...

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

you think i made an error most grievous, BUT i noticed that typo before hitting post; in my infinite wisdom i chose to let nature take its course

[thehmn]

Foxes disguised as monks. On the left from Japan and on the right from Denmark.

[professorsparklepants]

One of the unifying features of humanity is that every culture on Earth that meets a fox goes "I don't trust that fucking bastard as far as I can throw him." And I think it's VERY funny.

[wingsofantiva]

the elder scrolls: skyrim

[pankhearst]

the muppets, 1x01: “Pig Girls Don’t Cry.”

[graphitetroll]

Why did they make me watch Fozzy Bear experience a micro aggression

[brunhiddensmusings]

his dating life was a lot of upward struggle

[honeymushroom]

this is so fucking funny jrbfgjkbjhfbg

[shittyknight]

I SCREAM

[etherealpanacea]

[jotaillustrator]

[pitbolshevik]

why did my mom say this to me

[pitbolshevik]

okay apparently my mom's boss who is also my dentist wants to try a new drug on me because valium didn't quite cut it last time and i have severe anxiety surrounding dentists and i have some cavities i really need to get filled

and for some reason my mom chose to tell me this by just texting "we're drugging you tonight" and refusing to elaborate

[pitbolshevik]

they are doingf experimenys on me

[chaser]

[bitternest]

Come on Tumblr, don’t be fucking cowards

Alternatively -  come on nameless intern #102, you have a chance to be the fucking funniest person on staff.

[bitternest]

cowards

[northwest-cryptid]

Time for manual blazing, tumblr can be a coward but they can't stop us.

[pointless-achievements]

Achievement Unlocked:

Fan The Flames

Just because Tumblr won't let you Blaze a post doesn't mean you can light it up yourself!

[lizzibennet]

i just want to one day be loved like elle woods’ sorority sisters loved her

[lizzibennet]

they all simply do not understand why elle wants to go to harvard so bad... yet they help her study, grade her tests, motivate her and all around fully support her from the moment she decides to go and never stop believing in elle not for a single second... like wow name me one sweeter moment in all of cinema, i’ll wait

[lizzibennet]

sorry to be legally blonde blogging on main once again but i just wanted to talk about how easy it would’ve been to screw that movie up. the entire premise is based around a girl doing the most to get a guy, the main conflict of the film is the one between elle and viv, elle and her friends are stereotypical girly girls, etc - all that is just a perfect setup for a kind of passive aggressive lowkey misogynistic film that aims at actual feminist themes but falls short at #girlboss. but it doesn’t! while vivian is certainly catty to elle at first the insults aren’t sexist, vivian is just threatened but the confrontation is surprisingly and refreshingly... levelheaded? is the best way i can describe it. there is none of that one scene that a lot of 90’s movies seem to have where the two female protags have a fight where they insult each other’s appearance and then latch onto each other’s hair and yell bloody murder. ya know the one. there is none of that, none of the throwing around lowkey insults to women left and right, and in the end it works out quite beautifully because the only character we meet who is actually outright sexist is warner, which sets him up to be a gigantic asshole without having to have him like kill a kitten or something. it’s clever writing! and for a movie that came out in 2001 to toe that line between empowerment and sexism so well and come out the other side an enjoyable story with realistic women that does not fall under sexist tropes and stands the test of time is very admirable imo

anyway,

[cheaphalloweencostume]

not to be insensitive but some of the salem witch trials were so funny bitches like “i saw her at the devils sacrament!!!” girl… what were YOU doing at the devils sacrament 👀

[altospaceangel]

If ANYTHING is a heritage post it’s this.

[quinintheclouds]

Y'all have,,, NO idea how much I want a pizza rn. It is taking all of my willpower to save my money and not order one this instant to celebrate getting stuff done today

[quinintheclouds]

late-stage capitalism is i want pizza but congress won’t buy me one

wait I haven’t tried

I’m gonna call my congressman and see

[quinintheclouds]

Hmm… Ted Cruz isn’t answering. Still a coward, I see,

[quinintheclouds]

I’m gonna ask my governor now and tell him Cruz said it was out of his jurisdiction so he’ll feel all important. dude sued the city and is richer than god he can afford a pizza

[quinintheclouds]

HDGJDFHGJ SOMEONE PICKED UP,,, this is how it went:

Me: Hello, I would like to request an audience with Governor Abbott

Secretary: I’m sorry. I can relay a message and have him get back to you in a call or email.

Me: Okay, thanks! Due to some recent changes and current economic disparity in Texas, I’ve calculated that Gov. Abbott makes enough a year to buy over 10,000 pizzas, for example. As a display of his claims to make efforts towards rebuilding the middle class, all I ask is that he buy me one single pizza. 

Secretary: *incredulous laugh/scoff noise*

Me: That’s less than 0.0001% of his salary, not even taking his enormous wealth into consideration, and will affect my voting decision next election cycle. My paypal is https://www.paypal.me/quinintheclouds 

Secretary: …I’ll let him know.

Secretary: *Hangs up*

[quinintheclouds]

None of them bought me a pizza. Guess you could say they crust my dreams :((

[quinintheclouds]

pLOT TWIST THE SECRETARY SENT ME $15 FOR MAKING HER LAUGH AND CAUSE SHE HATES WORKING THERE,,, THE SUBJECT LINE SAID POLITICAL PIZZA

[catchymemes]

[dreg-heap]

I'm still thinking about how the younger Kennedys, including RFK Jr, would apparently pretend to get hit by cars and then berate the drivers saying "you've killed another Kennedy!" And then the dead Kennedy would get up and they'd all run away shouting "it's a Kennedy miracle!"

[carosbee]

I feel this might be misinformation.

[dreg-heap]

Let it be known that I do love lying on the internet but this one is real

[redpandarascal]

back before the internet, it was harder to amuse yourself, but the payoff was way greater

[iskwekan]

the fact that you can press b to cancel a pokemons evolution is so funny to me. like imagine a butterfly about to emerge from a chrysalis and you just put your hand on it like ‘shhh. buddy. not yet’ and its like ‘aww ok’ n climbs back in and zips itself up like a sleeping bag 

[iskwekan]

elijah if you keep outfunnying me on my own posts like this im gonna be out of a job soon

[cheaphalloweencostume]

you all hate the position i sleep in because you haven’t advanced to my level and you’re jealous of my mental acuity and caustic wit as well as being extremely good at sleeping

[cheaphalloweencostume]

[emptycontainer]

[maliciousindungeon]

[stonyponyofficial]

[escuerzoresucitado]

[were--ralph]

Humans just be petting anything with eyes