melancholie

Doch du tanzt nicht weil du willst sondern weil du nicht anders kannst.

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Things I can't do because of trauma

Being alone somewhere without having to check every room and every corner for someone potentially hiding there

Going to the bathroom without locking the door, even if I know no one would come in

Not being hyperaware of every little crack or every footstep around me

Laughing with someone without wondering if they're laughing about me

Being around someone talking in a language I don't understand, because they sure are talking about me

Having someone I don't trust drive the car or having someone go way over the speed limit when I'm in the car

Being tickled

Walking around the city or just outside without constantly checking if THEY are somewhere or if they're following me

Not checking every hole in a wall for a camera

Not trying to make minimal noise and minimal movement when others are around

Answering the phone when it's a hidden or unknown number

Not taking food supplies anywhere with me in case I don't get something to eat

Staying calm when someone asks if I 'ain't got humour'

Not flinching when someone's moving towards me

...

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Meine Therapeutin: Das lässt sich ambulant nicht mehr verantworten.

Ich: Nein. Ich kann nicht schon wieder in die Klinik. Ich muss mein Abi machen.

Meine Therapeutin: Naja, wenn du tot bist, kannst du dein Abi auch nicht mehr machen.

[sjavarsalt]

It’s been almost 12 years since you came into my life.

Almost 12 years since you slowly started to manipulate one of the most important persons in my life into thinking I wasn’t the child they wished for. Making them look for the bad in me rather than for the good. Changing the tone of their voice from understandingly to harsh and enerved. Taking up all of their free time with what you wanted to do and not let them spend it with whom they actually were to spend it. Changing their behaviour towards me into what you thought was best instead of letting them talk to me the way they intented to.

It’s been almost 12 years since you started to take away tiny piece after tiny piece of my life and control more and more of it. Since you exchanged my normal thoughts about myself and my surroundings with entirely negative ones. Since you started to take over parts of my life that you never were meant to take over.

It’s been almost 12 years since the first time you laughed about me and made everyone else in the room laugh about me, too. Since you first criticized the way I existed and made everyone else criticize it, too.

It’s been almost 12 years since my childhood was suddenly over. Overtaken by someone that came into my life without asking for permission, without asking how far they were allowed to go, asking whether or not I was okay with that.

Almost 12 years since the first time I felt humiliated and intimidated by what you did to me.

It’s been almost 12 years and I still get haunted by nightmares of my everyday life during that time, and I still can recall at least ten situations in which I either just wanted to die or feared exactly that possibility, and I still can’t get those words and doubts out of my head.

Almost 12 years since your thoughts and actions towards me became slowly mine against myself.

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Du musst dir eines klar machen: Es wird niemals etwas geben, das dir das gleiche Gefühl gibt, wie die Selbstverletzung. Keine alternative Handlung wird dir je das geben, was dir das Schneiden gibt. Das ist das Schwere an einer Sucht.

- Meine Lieblingspflegerin in der Psychiatrie

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Ich erlebe dich schon in einem Auf-und-Ab. Es gibt Phasen, da schraubst du dich extrem hoch, drehst voll auf. Aber, ich glaube, je lustiger und aktiver du dich gibst, desto schlechter geht es dir wirklich. Und das Problem, das wir letztendlich haben, ist, egal wie hoch du aufdrehst, am Ende fällst du genauso tief.

Auszug aus meinem letzten Pflegegespräch

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Depression is like waiting for your train, freezing in the dark underground station, hoping that the next one will be the right one, but then the light at the end of the tunnel is the wrong one, but for a short while you feel a bit safer knowing you are accompanied by the travelers in the wrong train, but when they're gone it's dark again and you just want to get home, but your train never arrives.

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At 18 I should be learning how to drive a car, not hoping one would hit me.

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Ich: Ich weiß nicht, es ist ja nicht unbedingt so, dass ich denke, dass etwas passiert wenn ich meine Sachen nicht ordne oder sortiere, es fühlt sich einfach nur an als müsste ich sonst explodieren.

Therapeutin: Hinter Zwängen müssen nicht unbedingt konkrete Befürchtungen stecken, dein Kopf denkt, dass, weil dein Leben ein einziges Chaos ist, er vielleicht durch echtes Aufräumen und Sortieren etwas Kontrolle erlangen und Ordnung hineinbringen kann.

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It's not desperately wanting to die, it's more like wanting everything to stop and not having to fight for a while.