Your takes on how quickly the phm fandom dropped support for Grace being aroace is something I have thought about SO MUCH and I am so glad you think so too. I feel vindicated
people just keep ignoring us and showing surface level support for us but they do nothing to actually try and dismantle amanormativity or anything like that. people will reblog "aroace people are valid!" posts but then they dont engage or listen to us when we want to actually talk about issues we face.
and yeah, sure, it feels silly, but like. it is genuinely IMPOSSIBLE to escape amanormativity. i want to have fun in a fandom! thats why im here! i want to talk about characters i like, look at art and read fanfiction! i wanna see what people think about the same media i enjoy!!! but its so hard to do that when the vast majority of fandoms wants to talk about nothing but shipping.
and the phm fandom was SUCH a breath of fresh air! not only was it GENUINELY the first fandom where a main character was headcanoned as aroace- but it was also the first fandom where platonic relationships seemed to be the most important and talked about and praised. there were so many posts by aroace people talking about how grace being aroace resonated with them, how it makes his story more deep and meaningful and how good of a representation it is to how it is in the real world!
and people would reblog it and engage! ALLO people would reblog and show support to that headcanon!!!!! that never fucking happens! that never happens! previous fandoms ive been in would only have other aspec people interacting with those types of post! here it seemed the MAJORITY of the fandom would engage!
but now suddenly if you want to talk about how weird it is that people dropped the aroace grace thing in favor of a crossover crackship you get called a buzzkill and get told to just block the tag and ignore it and that people are just having fun.
yeah. people are having fun. much more fun that they had with the aroace grace thing it seems. bmary feels like it appeared out of nowhere and took over most of the fandom. aroace grace is not that fun now that theres a fun dude to ship him with.
and like. i really dont like feeling bitter and angry about this! but it is SO clear that people just genuinely do not fucking care about what aspec people have to say. to them us asking for some representation and acknowledgment is asking them to stop having fun.
i already said it before- bmary is a really interesting concept! but it is SO CLEAR to me that people just want to see two conventionally attractive people kiss and fuck at this point.
and i will say- theres nothing wrong with drawing and writing smut and kissing just for the sake of it. but it gets to a point where you have to wonder why thats the only fucking thing people care about.
(i also want to add on- i feel like as much as this is a bmary problem, it also seems like people are just moving on from the main platonic bond of the movie in general. i see more and more of romantic gracerocky every day, and while i absolutely adore them, it is...a little disappointing. because to me it just screams that its not enough for people and they need them to be something "more". with bmary is even WORSE because rocky gets sidelined almost EVERY TIME. graces whole thing about being a coward was changed when he met rocky! he almost died saving rocky! they would both die for each other! they are best friends! they mean the world to each other! thats canon!!! but when you insert simon, a new human to ship grace with- rocky doesnt matter as much and suddenly hes just a sidekick and almost like a pet. thats one of the reasons why my interest in bmary dropped so quick.)
so yeah. id say im sorry that im pissy and "ruining peoples fun" but also consider this: i do not give a single fuck about what allo people say at this point. wah wah wah an aspec person is talking shit about my favorite ship!
im so tired of dealing with allos im gonna be so honest
i want to add on a very obvious note that i think people keep overlooking anyways:
you can ship stuff, yes even romantically, and STILL keep a character as aspec.
maybe the character is aromantic but craves romance anyways- maybe they want go on dates and experience romance even if they cant fall in love. maybe theyre asexual and theyre not attracted to their partner but they like feeling good and close them in a very physical sense.
maybe theyre asexual but not aromantic- and they dont like sex! maybe the relationship is strictly romantic but not sexual! or the other way around- maybe theyre aromantic and not asexual and they get uncomfortable with the idea of being in a romantic relationship- but they still want sex!
and i have examples of my own ships and how i like them!
i love strattland when their relationship is not romantic in the slightest- i enjoy a friends/coworkers with benefits kinda relationship when it comes to them. its just stress relief for the both of them. i also saw someone say they view stratt as aplatonic- and honestly thats one of my favorite ways to look at her too. theyre not dating, theyre not even friends. theyre coworkers. they care for each other, but theres no love attached to that care.
i love carlgrace where neither of them are sure of their sexuality and they experiment with each other. carl is bicurious- is he attracted to men? hes not really sure, but hed be willing to try and see. grace has a complicated relationship with dating and sex- hes dated women before, but it never felt like anything else besides friendship. maybe hes gay? but men dont really seem different to him when it comes to attraction. bisexual then? carl and grace experimenting and figuring themselves out while staying friends.
one of my guilty pleasures when it comes to crossover ships is starstruck. i think that ship is funny as hell especially with aroace grace in the mix. one sided crush on ryders side is a particularly funny way to view the ship. another one is romance repulsed grace who just hits up ryder to hook up when hes in town visiting colt. they never talk or go on dates, its not an exclusive relationship, its just the occasional hookup. grace enjoys it because ryder doesnt want anything more. he doesnt even find him particularly attractive- he doesnt really find most people attractive, but he wants to feel nice without having to worry about someone catching feelings or expecting something more. and with how ryder sleeps around and doesnt particularly care to chit chat with him, its exactly what hes looking for.
when it comes to gracerocky as a ship, i enjoy a friends with benefits situation here as well. theyre both curious about the others biology and anatomy and its a nice little way to pass the time on the way to erid. mutually beneficial biology lessons. i also love a sex repulsed grace who just enjoys rockys company, just likes that theres finally someone in his life who wont expect anything else from him. grace who is finally sure that his partner wont expect sex as the next step in their relationship, that he wont see this as something to "deepen" their relationship.
so there are plenty of ways to ship aro and ace characters without just slapping the label on them and calling it a day. and its so fun to see people explore these kind of dynamics! i dont need people to stop shipping things completely, i just wish there was more of a variety. theres so many options to consider and explore, and yet people just care about the most typical romantic shipping and nothing else.
#Ishouldntdipmytoeintheresgatorshere
BUT Yeah I've had to make so many posts about this. I've gotten several hate comments harassing me over and over telling me what I can and cant do with my aroace Grace doll.
And don't get me wrong, like Barbie, my Grace doll is several things at once. One time he's sex repulsed mates with Adrian and Rocky. Next day he's exploring the wonders of sex without the romantic expectation with his friend Carl (who he marries for convenience 30 years later) I have a (transfem) Grace who practices non touching semi nonsexual kink with stratt to relief stress and so she's able to focus on the mission. I have a Grace who punches you if you kiss him and I have a Grace who adores the intimacy of making out but not romantic connection. I have another Grace who dosn't enjoy sex, kissing, even touching and hates himself for agreeing to be in a relationship when he doesn't want to be- but dosnt want to hurt his friends feelings (If thats not relatable idk what is, that specific pair is starstruck btw)
But my main issue right now is claiming writers and artists who's aroace charters like sex or like kissing or both, are "traitors" or invalid.
Hell!! I've been given a comment telling me that they can't hold each other in bed because that's too romantic. I'm sorry, now cuddles are off the table?? What?? Why? "Because it's romanti-" blocked.
The amount of folks who come into my house and tell me something my aroace-spec doll is doing is romantic to try to justify simply not liking my fic (which is aright, they're not for everyone).
Why are we trying to tell people that everything is romantic? Your romantic might not be my romantic and I can acknowledge the vise versa, I can acknowledge when I tag aroace grace, he might do something someone might consider romantic, but if im deliberately in my writing specifying how unromantic feelings Grace has, it shouldn't matter. Like dude. Leave me and my complicated headcanons be.
I'm trying my best to learn how to write repulsed stuff better (because personally I'm romance tolerant and partner favorable so I guess he dosn't come off as disgusted as he should be as repulsed?) But it's really discouraging when I put "hey this grace dosnt like romance" and some idiot is coming out of the wood work saying "but kissing is romantic" yeah maybe to you buster but not to him.
(It is for me as well but thats more of my own prudish asexual-ness who cringes at people who kiss a lot of people on the mouth. Esspecially if they don't know them. A gay club in the city would send me into shock. Don't you worry about germs? But thats a whole different issue-)
Or just straight up insulting me, rebloggjng my fanfic complaining about lack of friendship and how the concept of aroace people being married "Is a disgraceful sham to the community because aroace people would never choose to be married" -blocked.
The word used was mates btw, my married grace fic isnt even posted yet. So yeah π (get out of my Google docs! You're not supposed to be in there!)
The way this community turns on each other the moment a charaters sexuality isnt black or white is ccrrraaazzyy. I'll just leave it at that.
Questions box is open if you would like to hear more about the dynamics of my grace dolls and their complex lives.
