As an allo partner to an asexual man - the kind of perspective that this anon is claiming to speak for - all I can add is that if your feelings for an asexual person vanish the second they won’t fuck you in the exact way you want them to? If you feel “tricked” or “lied to” because their sexual feelings aren’t up to your standards, or may not be compatible with yours?
You don’t love them. Not only do you not love them, but you never did.
If it’s true love, then you will be able to talk about what to do next. If you honestly care about their sexual autonomy, then you will listen to them and take what they suggest on board and you will meet them in the middle, just like you would for any allosexual partner. You will check up with them regularly to see if things are still comfortable and okay in that area, you will respect their boundaries (and stand up for them if you see other people disrespecting them), and you will not hurt them over who they are. Discuss with them what you would like, yes, but do not force or pressure or manipulate.
I hate that these are simple, “don’t abuse your fucking partner” statements but it apparently, sadly, bears reminding for some people.
If they don’t want to have sex with you then of course it’s up for you to decide if you still want to continue a relationship with them - you don’t have to remain in a relationship that doesn’t fulfil you or makes you unhappy. I understand the fear that it can cause - am I going over a boundary? Are they being honest about being okay with this? What if I’m hurting them and they’re just not telling me? - and if you’re not used to the idea of someone having love but no desire, then it can certainly fuel some insecurities. If you really just can’t match well with an asexual person, then fair enough…
…But that’s not actually what anon is saying here - what they’re saying is they’re not only sad that an asexual person might not want to have sex with them despite them at least believing that there’s shared romantic feelings involved (which is honestly where this “tricking” shit comes from, because creepers gonna creep apparently), but they’re sad that any sex they might have with that asexual person won’t be enthusiastic enough for their standards.
That’s the sentence here that truly, deeply disgusts me: “Most of us don’t want relationships with people who just put up with sex. We want passionately enthusiastic sex partners.” I mean yeah, I’m disgusted by all of it, but people have noted above why the “tricking” comment smacks of entitlement - I want to really emphasise this sentence here about “enthusiasm” and “putting up with sex” because it’s not just entitlement to a sexual act, it’s entitlement to a specific sexual performance.
This person doesn’t just want sex with an asexual person, they want their ace partner to fake enthusiasm and sexual passion that they might not even have - during an act that they might not even enjoy. What the actual fuck is wrong with you, anon?
As I said, I’m dating an asexual man, and having discussed it - and we’ve discussed it a lot over the years - we’ve reached the compromise in which we do have sex. He is not passionately sexual, he’s described it as being like folding laundry in terms of interest - but he makes me laugh and he makes sure I’m feeling good, and he does it because he loves me. Why in the fuck would I complain about that? If he told me tomorrow that he never wants to touch me again then I will fucking deal with it because fucking him - much less trying to convince myself that he isn’t asexual - means so much less to me than loving him does, and I have done my best to let him know that.
Fuck off back to space, you absolute cock - you do not speak for me, or anyone else; just because you don’t understand or respect asexual people doesn’t mean they have to pretend to be someone else for you.
andulkaphoto
kianamaiart
germansingergirl
