Experimental-Illness

streams of conscience ,art, and practicing mental illness

[experimental-illness]

PODCAST

Exxperimental Illness by Experimental Illness • A podcast on Anchor

first episode where we will be just talking about the future and some of the things we will be doing where you can get my art for free and h

[experimental-illness]

Crop Rotation

So I havent kept my word maybe thats the reason we are allowed so much. Does it not seem like others might last just a little longer. Its a bittersweet. Its sucks to be so vulnerably sensitive especially when the disregard is so bluntly back burnered. One of your favorite things being consumed by something that seems to no respect your bubble and the bubbles around you. It sucks when the permeable coinciding bubble decides to permeate. This is the oil painting interpretation of that confused feeling of permeation. Called "Crop Rotation"

[experimental-illness]

Calling it mental

some times things are trying to tell you something like dont  or do. Something is tell me I need to just be today and not let the world hear thru text . Things are better but holy shit yesterday was the worst even though the best thing presented itself . The and including my head was aching so peace out . PLease everyone give someone with mental health problems a hug today. It means more than you can imagine. 

[experimental-illness]

Escape

I know that everyone is different. You cant help though what you don’t like. Its hard to be around something you think you know but they have to put off a certain image of themself. Images that  I’ve never seen. You thought you knew this person. Then you see it and it makes you sick. Are you a shitty person for not liking someone who claims to be what makes you sync? When it comes to uniting as a front they’ve joined another front . Turns out that you were the one that was seeing the mirage. I guess you can take the person from the place but not the place out of the person. You shouldn’t judge anyone by that principle alone. Its when you get deceived and they are that difference in front of you. Communication is a key that we don’t have. That door is locked but I will say I pound on it trying to say who I am .  Getting who they are out of them or an explanation. Its sucks because its such an obvious thing when you see it. They cant except the responsibility that they are what they are. NO I don’t want to see what some one gave you. You gave away what I was trying to give. Gave it away and said you didn’t give a fuck . Funny thing is that they write you something which you now see as bullshit. We have no language between us and you cant have one if only one person wants that. When one person still only wants whats best for them and not whats best for the team. A team must have a language in order to compete with any other team or the world. You need a building with a strong foundation. God...Why does it make me so mad? Why cant i just move on from it? If I don’t like it, why cant I just find where I need to be and where I want to be? Well I think I’ve created this imaginary ball and chain that I keep myself hooked up to. Only thing that comes to be positive is that I get inspiration to hone the feeling into a creation of some sort. It sucks though thinking about all the time that has been wasted on what you hoped was something that was going to be bright but its still that orange light that you been around your whole life.The light that I want to break free of but a familiar feeling makes it better something that will always be the same. The bumps on your skin get fuzzy and your eyes feel the fuzzy light. Its something I don’t want to live with this much longer. I need to free my spirit from this bond.I’ll just go to sleep on it and forget that it happened. Slowly wasting my life. Not letting what needs to get out be free. Then knowing its to late. Well its time to go just need to choose whether its unknown.

[experimental-illness]

“Colour Spectrum’ in three different medial aspects.

[experimental-illness]

Episodes!

Really crazy when it happens. Its kinda hard to breath right now my chest tightens. MY hearing becomes reverberated. What will bring you back you is air; and the what was realization. What goes wrong? Well everything! Automatic breathless compulsion, renders a beat from my chewing. The coerced attention deficit; now this is happening. Just incoherent; for sure now  and too much punctuation. Then the feeling hones a fight or flight. Out of it I had literally just felt that way. Just remember the air is ah but sometimes its just goes south.

[experimental-illness]

To Be

Are you waiting to see if your breath is airborne and I think we can lift it. A bucket of mop water , the old tiles , the spots get darker. The feeling is civil so we have to practice. We see and we try to enjoy it. So we wait for another day. Now your always sleeping; a breathing beauty so what should I do ; rubbing your face smooth in the living room. Its just another way that I’m kicking myself for thinking thoughts that it would be okay.

[experimental-illness]

I call the “Demen’ If the spelling makes sense its about the  yin and yang that is going in and out of being equal. The negative spacing is equal on both sides even though it may not look like it.

[experimental-illness]

Fastball to the face

You don't see it coming but it comes from the most obvious. Straight from the person;s hand and into your face. My chest hurts more than my face though. My chest really hurts and I don't know how to fix it its happening right now and Im too much of a coward to confront he issue or feeling . I feel like throwing up and hoping that I choke on it without realizing . That's it then its over no more worries about anything no more anything ever again. This is a cry out for anything its just a feeling felt because of a certain person trying to spitefully do so. Remind yourself to never sink to that or fall from that spot. Your better than that you don't have to take that shit. You know your better and if your you deserve to be treated like shit by someone better than that.A bird that will swoop down and grab the snake that is about to bite you. It has you in its best interest. Wondering why is this happening. I love prius' by the way never owned one but they make sense. I would later in life like to own one's I would like to. Cant be left with all this shit. It keeps piling up and now its overflowing and pouring into the basement. I luckily have a thought ahead compulsion and it has helped in this situation. God god god . Tell me what to do , tell me where to go. Ive lost where to go I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to start over and again. I just need to excel where I am at. I do so much better in the solo department i f. Ride The wagon . I can fix a wheel if it falls of but the wagon can weigh a lot if I have a spiteful unappreciative cat that meows constantly. I can never get the cat and see how things are I just want the cat to help. Well I know all this sounds insane well when your chest hurts this bad a lot of things make a lot of sense. It just does

I have to sit with the fact that I let someone do that to me. It makes me want to do it to them. I want them to feel this way. I want them to hurt like. this. Even though I would never want anyone to fell like this. It would kill me if I knew someone I loved felt like this. It hurts that they don't care like you do. Where do I ramble to where can I ramble on. Just sit back learn how to do with the shit that this person can so aimlessly deal out to people they love. I hate even talking about it because it constantly puts the thought and image into my. I have to tell myself yo know that you can do better , much better you learn to love the person because you see the person to love.

now you wait for the bullshit that is going to be the story that they actually try to tell you. Stuff made up that you are suppose to believe. I swallow the hunger pang and hiccup until I get a headache, Why? Did i deserve this? No I don't think I think I deserve better than this I don't deserve pretty much were that leads I will really know if she is drinking. It will solidify what I already know . God again I want to throw up in my mouth I don't get any smokes its going to be along hard night, Maybe I could call a friend and relish in the moment . I would just feel bad. Maybe I could feel bad for that instead of thinking of the other. The end

[experimental-illness]

Indecisive Incoherence (what am I trying to say)...

Its so hard to go in the direction you want to go for one simple reason. The world or society doesn't want you to.(they sugar coat it like they do though) You have to do what they or it wants of you. It seems that when I want to do something there is someone or thing always telling me that I cant or how I should do it. They want to tell me how to live and that in order to do what you love you have to do this ,this,this and...this. Then once that is done you've wasted so much time(life). I don't want to waste time but I can't be productive doing things that have no purpose for me doing them . Why can't we do what we love from the start so that we feel like something is being done. I fulfilling my purpose as a person. by doing things that I want to do I mean things that don't hurt or control anything. I'm not asking to be given everything . Just make the path to the road a little less shitty . I don't know I sound like a ramble. That is not making any sense ; that is not contributing or just insane. One day I will be better at explaining what I want and what Im willing to do to peacefully get what I want Until then I will have to live in the indecisive.

[experimental-illness]

“A literary flower”

Blackwing pencils and Sakura gelly pens on a grey toned paper

[experimental-illness]

A Gospel Drowned

My blood brain barrier breaks creating an alliteration by mistake. A banter building into a preach, as my guilt pours itself a drink.

Slipping out little tid bits of my perspective stubborn two cents. This is all starting to become too much. Getting stamped with watery words that saturate my dry soul.

So little turned into so much. What should I write off? What needs to be realized? Ive been hooked, lined, and sunk. A small voice overflowing; bringing me in and out of whats real. It feels like it might be telling me the truth.God I hope its not the answer to what is spilling to fill our cup.

The burnt hole inside my pocket is subconscious regret. Will it be taken at faces value. Its seems that it might get swept. Recycled into something new and like me always used. Bubbles bubbling out of a drunk cartoon cat. Inside the bubbles are words that guide me to the truth.To realize that we never really knew.

[experimental-illness]

what do if you accidentally stumble upon  text messages of guys wanting things of a sexual nature from your GF

what do you do when you find a text message in your girlfriends phone of one guy asking for nude pics and another guy asking to come cuddle? I mean I know what to do but Im a pretty empathetic person so much it seems like a curse. Not saying that to say im forgiving that person but I dont want to dwell to much on the whole scenario. I know im a better person than that . I could never do that to someone that I ve been with

[experimental-illness]

this is a illustration of the cardinal signs of the Zodiac playing in a bluegrass band . I took the this picture but the piece was ripped to shreds

[experimental-illness]

forgive my grammatical

So I really want to make an impact on the things that I care about and care to bring to fruition. Im wondering how people go about doing what they want and make it seem so casual , so non chalant. Am I just an asshole for thinking that people just float through life untouched and sqeaky clean. I want feedback ; if anyone finds inclination in reading this even one persons advice would put a perspective on the loneliness I feel in thinking Im the only one with a struggle. Truth is I know that Im not the only one that struggles at wanting to make an impact . The difference is that some people do and some people dont. I do , I do , Ido hope to be the one that makes someone wonder . Will I write a song that will reverberate time its self or just maybe a little but of time, whatever that means. I need to figure out how to get people reading and critiquing these. Not for the grammatical errors it has but for my outlook on life hopefully you dig it and I read yours and I dig it ; but we will never know unless we tell each other our stories. Here is a poem I wrote that hopefully gets you the reader's blood flowing with wanting to do something even if you dont know what it is at the moment. If it tips the scales until one side outweighs the other. Ive been reading these books well a time back I read these books that talk about the morals of men. Never did it in any of these texts did it ever have the outlook I see which is the morals of men and women. I feel like Im a good person but I wonder what truly makes a good person and here is a poem that gives you a thought of the person I am to be .

                                          "Search"

      I am a bunch of want, so much in fact that i forget,

     TO be something sometimes that i am not,

     Now me and myself have never met,

     Going on this Philosophical Rant,

     That leads me to learn about who i am,

     Causing me to wonder why this late in life,

     hoping that hope's winds will lead me right,

     It is a question that should be Rhetorical,

     Thinking if Ideal truly is more so than actual,

     Whether I should hoist my flag on this pole,

    IN the wind bearing my soul,

    Feeling right to be the less of Daunt,

    This is what I need and this is what I want.

[experimental-illness]

the symbol on his forehead is a symbol of mental illness.

Artwork by Lon Martin

[experimental-illness]

Quality OF l;fe

When you want something to happen.When your wanting to create something that you feel will give you purpose. I really dont pay attention to pauses or bringing two things together. I just do it with a period or a dot that lets you know where I stop to think of something else. Every once in a while a comma or semicolon pops in;but not to often whether it is or isnt out of place. It makes sense to me. It feels like it should be there. I dont know why but Ill forget chunks of what im writing or typing then. stress on what I was really trying to say that isnt coming out. the way you want it to. Sometimes things will create a whole life of its own and you go down a different road all together. I want more than anything is for people to feel comfortable. Some of you also might say that this garbage or that this is all nonsense. Sometimes I spend long periods of time worrying about what pencils go in what pouch. What pencil do I feel like today. What part of me will come out whether Im drawing or painting or playing music or writing will it be a timid version of who I am that day will it be a confident person.Sometimes I fantasize about drugs sometimes I get tired for no reason and then I think is this normal do other people feel this. Will things start to make sense. the answer is I dont know . Now maybe you want an answer as to why Im doing this again I do it because it makes me feel good. Thing I never said how doing this makes me feel good. Just letting my thoughts come out of my fingers. This is just the first of a bunch of things that cripple my mind sometimes. In a small attempt in hope that someone will understand where Im coming from that you feel the same way. Will I be accepted in this community. I just do what I do best. I just am the moment that Im creating and being apart of a scene that I hope everyone feels like they belong because they do. Im no better than anyone else. We all know we judge in our head its one of the things as humans we have the right to. We have the right to think an never tell anyone what we are thinking and that its no ones business. We all know to that we want to share it with someone who feels the same who you can relate to. What is experience if its not being shared with someone else . What my attempt to do here is describe the moments in life that give us comfort; that give us a feeling that you done this. The feeling of knowing how beautiful every moment in life is. I will never though say you should put a man or woman and yes whenever I say man i also most certainly if not more so mean woman. So here I begin on this journey I hope you will join me and give me your experience each post totally different than the last