[explain-this-to-a-peasant]

Submissions are open!

DM me if you have tag suggestions. I'm over 18 years old. Other gimmick blogs are welcome to interact, but no rp please

Post rating system under cut

Posts are assigned an initial rating with a tag #initial rating: <rating> along with the rating tag. If somebody provides an explanation on why a different rating should apply, I will reblog the explanation and post the adjusted rating with a tag #adjusted rating: <rating> along with the rating tag. The rating tags are as follows:

#trivial - a medieval peasant could explain this post to you should you suffer a head trauma and need help with understanding what's written

#explainable - some things need clarification or a degree of abstraction, but it's otherwise simple to understand

#challenging - you can't explain this post within a single reasonably sized PowerPoint presentation. To the peasant, the post seems to describe something alien, but she is able to fathom a world where it makes sense.

#unlikely - this post requires lived-in experience or heaps of context. In time, you would be able to explain it to the peasant, but without letting her live in our time this post would describe a make-believe.

#h***stuck - you can't explain this post. It cannot be done. It is simply impossible.

[hppjmxrgosg]

"going out to get milk" is a common turn of phrase used to describe a man abandoning his family.

the "milkman" is a common figure in stories depicting a woman's infidelity and adulterous affair.

this implies that the ability to provide milk would both decrease the likelihood of a man abandoning his wife and children, as it would eliminate the need for leaving to get milk AND would secure that man's marriage, as his wife would have no need to seek milk from an extraneous source.

therefore, all men should produce milk, through various means such as:

- being a cow

- being an almond

- being a woman

- being a coconut

- being in the omegaverse

- being an oat

(list is exemplary and not finite)

in this essay, i will redefine the nuclear family and explain the seductive and inflammatory nature of the 1993 "Got Milk?" commercials.

[hppjmxrgosg]

you shut your mouth.

[explain-this-to-a-peasant]

Initial rating: challenging

[prokopetz]

They say that sudden, intense cravings for very specific foods are usually a sign of a vitamin deficiency. If so, that I'm presently making myself french toast, scrambled eggs, and a bacon and cheese sandwich at 11:45 PM must mean the vitamin I'm missing is grease.

[prokopetz]

I cross-posted this to Bluesky and got followed by a bunch of folks with blog headers clarifying which exact flavour of Christianity they adhere to because they thought I was making a hashtag-relatable post about cheating on your diet. Now we get find out how many of them are also comfortable with posts about werewolf cock.

[explain-this-to-a-peasant]

Initial rating: unlikely

In ascending order of complexity - flavors of Christianity, werewolves, diet, vitamins, everything pertaining to the Internet, discussions of werewolf cock specifically

[vamptits]

my awesome thing

[rosenkranz-does-things]

hi max I painted your awesome thing

[cat-faces]

[explain-this-to-a-peasant]

Initial rating: trivial

[isawken]

going over to my minimalist girlfriend’s house and she apologizes profusely for the mess and there’s just a single perfect, fresh pea on the floor of her living room

[explain-this-to-a-peasant]

Initial rating: explainable

[cryptidfuckery]

Hey so like omen wise how are we doing. Are we doing okay

[explain-this-to-a-peasant]

Initial rating: scary

[sacred-portal]

[explain-this-to-a-peasant]

When was the first meta painting made? You know, the one that's "artist drawing the paining that draws the artist" or a painting of the same painting?

Anyway, initial rating: explainable

[cryptotheism]

"Medieval Christians would have gone nuts for protons, neutrons, and electrons for trinity reasons" sounds like a jokey oversimplification historypost but I cannot really articulate how true that is. They would never shut up about it.

[ahopefulbromantic]

RIP St Thomas Aquinas you would have loved atomic physics

[explain-this-to-a-peasant]

Do you explain electromagnetism, weak and strong nuclear forces and also some basic chemistry, or just skip straight to the nuclear physics? And do you even mention that it's technically philosopher's stone, like, we just have that now?

Initial rating: challenging

It would take a reasonably long lecture to cover the basics and not accidentally misrepresent anything. I'd love to be proven wrong.

[kissykobold]

The three types of minecraft mods are making minecraft terraria making it factorio or making it stardew valley

[kissykobold]

Modding minecraft is like this

[daylights-rain]

NOOOOOOO THEY GOT KISSYKOBOLD

[princess-rosiebird]

@creepkobold now btw

[creepkobold]

What the fuck do you mean they got my minecraft graph

This this is what they're covering up jesus christ i should be allowed to kill

[explain-this-to-a-peasant]

Video games are hard

Initial rating: unlikely

[fullmetalfisting]

Tbh germ theory DOES sound crazy. Like if you told a regency-era nobleman that tiny creatures lived on the surface of everything and THAT’S what causes consumption, they’d be like “ah, I see you are a lunatic. Would you reside in my hermitage? Rantings and ravings do so amuse my guests”

[mysteryteacup]

But if you told a Medieval person this they would probably go "Ah, so when the miasma settles on surfaces it gains evil life. I understand."

[alarajrogers]

Yeah, actually, it would probably be pretty easy to explain germ theory to a Medieval person as tiny evil spirits that live on everything, but they can be purified by soap and water, or by alcohol, because that is why God has granted us those things. And because they can float in the air, if you cough or sneeze after they have infested you, that can cause them to infest others. And when you are sick, the angels God has deputized to defend the bodies of His beloved children are at war with the evil spirits, and, sadly, sometimes they lose, but the best way to help your angels win their battle is to rest, drink plenty (this would probably be small beer in this time period, not water, because the water was also infested), stay clean, and for the sake of God do not allow anyone to let your blood, for the angels need that blood in their war against the evil spirits. Bloodletting is good for some types of illnesses but not the kinds caused by the tiny evil spirits.

[chekhovs-raygun]

boiling as a sterilization measure is also easy to explain. water returns to the air when heated and it rises as steam back up to the floodgates of heaven; we know God created the world in seven days, He's not up there making more water every time it rains. it circulates. the returning of water to heaven also purifies the water of unclean and malign influences. you know wormy water from a muddy puddle will kill your kid. you know you wouldn't wade into a bog and have a slurp. water that remains in the low places of earth absorbs all that is unclean from our waste and it may also sponge up new diseases from hell, we're not totally sure about that one, but it seems likely. God set up the heavenly water cycle so that the earth's waters wouldn't totally fill up with gunk.

what does this have to do with boiling your surgical tools? well look, the boiling water releases bubbles of steam which carries the malign influences up to heaven. you boil a knife, you send all the miasmic particles off with the steam to heaven. if you rinse the knife off in a bucket the water isn't hot enough, the particles go into the water and then right back on to the knife. you gotta boil it to get the particles all the way away. how can a tool or rag or a bed have miasmic particles on it when you can't smell them? humans have a lousy sense of smell. look at your dog on the hunt. are there no rabbits in the woods just because you can't smell them? we know that miasma is carried on the air, and is what makes stench so dangerous, and we know that humans can't smell worth a damn compared to dogs cats horses etc. a dog can smell if a rat died in a corner of the room last week. you can't. do you think licking the spot where the rat died is going to go well for you? luckily, what humans lack in snout we make up for in brains. we have extra brains where our sniffers should have been. God set that up for a reason.

and why does a rinse with wine spirits work? man, look how fast alcohol evaporates. my guess is that because wine contains a lot more vice than water, it evaporates a whole lot faster, in sort of an equal and opposite way that a rock falls faster than a feather. if you want the miasmic particles to get off there FAST, you dunk it in something that's going back to heaven at a gallop.

what's up with honey? it just preserves things against corruption. doesn't clean them off. honey doesn't evaporate at all. probably because bees don't sin. it's not good for ridding a tool of particles-- it's sticky-- but fine for preserving anything you don't want to go to heaven OR hell. this is why you wash the wound with wine spirits or purified water FIRST, to sluice the miasma out, then slap the honey on AFTER. and boil the damn bandage, too. you wouldn't put a rotten door in a sound doorframe and expect it to keep out bandits, would you? cmon.

[explain-this-to-a-peasant]

Initial rating: explainable

[cheaphalloweencostume]

fucking crying because i thought this instagram reel was cutting edge comedy gold only to realize it is 100% serious… damn maybe i’m being poisoned

[explain-this-to-a-peasant]

I, uh, um... Dear lord...

Initial rating: challenging? There's a lot to unpack in this belief system, so it actually depends on how deep you want to dig.

[animentality]

[explain-this-to-a-peasant]

Initial rating: unlikely

And I'd like to be proven wrong, but I just don't know how to explain the extreme sides of what's possible (fine accurate maps of the whole earth) and what's not (filling Atlantic with dirt) on such a grand scale.

[memecucker]

Imagine if medieval/renaissance alchemists were shown crystal meth and then told these powerfully psychoactive crystals are synthesized in laboratories and workshops

[cryptotheism]

Alchemist: incredible! This will earn me patronage from a wealthy lord!

Modern guy: actually this stuff is so valuable you don't even need patronage

Alchemist:

[explain-this-to-a-peasant]

Hmmm

Initial rating: explainable

[sylestial]

*meows loud as fuck to no avail*

[explain-this-to-a-peasant]

Initial rating: trivial

[kaijuno]

[explain-this-to-a-peasant]

Initial rating: explainable, surprisingly

[dogpuppy]

[explain-this-to-a-peasant]

Initial rating: trivial

[milkooze-deactivated20260329]

[explain-this-to-a-peasant]

Girl help, what do I rate this? We know all about who gifted spirk to this world, but did medieval women write porn about, I dunno, Arthurian legend??