(16) Re-lighting the sparks that would either destroy me or fix me
This day I had a chill time with my best friend. Since Jr./Sr. highschool to college now. Let's call her, Quinn. Our friendship is pretty solid, she probably know everything about me except for this. I know she'd understand. We do stuffs like this. We talked about a lot of things and most of it made me reminisce about our times in the first college I got into.
As you know, or as you not know lmao.
I'm a college student, who is a sleep deprived- frustrated artist- a writer and a random hooman who rants about almost everything in life and what happens to my life.
I experienced grief. And I fvking always, almost rant about it here. I know I do not have a lot of audience yet, I also don't mind if there are just some or a lot. What matters to me is that there would be someone somewhere who I can relate with, or relate with me.
Grief. Messed up a whole fvking lots in my system.
There was a phase on my life that I have forgotten that we all die.
Because in that phase I was very focus on studying at school and becoming successful.
The first course I took was Psychology but after finishing 1 semester on it I shifted to Multimedia Arts (because on the ongoing 2nd semester which was the time I shifted course. I was already strucked by reality there.. which is when I experienced grief.), all the memories I had there was a lot to handle atleast for me and my being. Most of it are bad stuffs and some of it was fun times.
What bothers me the most is the bad stuffs. I had an urge to quit that course (psychology).
After contemplating about it for a lot of times. It affected my family, relative, friends, romantic relationships, and people I know.
Quinn and I talked about it. I was a person who isn't that open or vocal when it comes to asking help or experiencing something heavy, cus I feel like I can do it on my own and she has a lot on her plate than mine.
By this day, I kinda cleared a lot of stuffs to her because we haven't really have a lot of times to talk about things. I haven't also really have the courage back then to actually tell them what I feel. In those times when they asked me what's wrong I just cried and cried. Also we tend to not expose ourselves very much in social media. We chat from time to time, but we have this vibe that we know we are also busy with our own lives and we respected each other on that aspect.
My perspectives, my feelings, what was I thinking in those phase.. the stories in our lives. This day I was able to strongly and bravely tell about everything I wanted to say to her and clear things up with her.
It made me realize that, even though I attempted suicide. The journey I've been through was mesmerizing to reminisce and sooooo weird for me to look back at haha. To the same point that it also makes me scared. I think I will always be someone that has wounds and bruises that won't be healed.
Never better, rarely fine but always corrupted.
This day is really something, it motivated and disrupted me in both same ways. Which made me feel the urge to be creative and try to still re-light the sparks that I lost.. which I'm still looking for again. Watching Miller's Girl movie also affected me in some ways.
I would always think that life is short because of everything.
I would always hope also that mine would be shorter tomorrow.
But I also hope now, that I can re-light and put back to it's place, the things that I have lost in me.
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