It’s rare that I ask for help & I never expect it. I’ve learned that people can tell you anything. They’ll make a million promises that they’ll never keep. They can tell you how they love you, how they’ll be there, how you’re their friend, how they want to help you, how they want you be be able to fulfill your dreams & it goes on and on.
The reality is, no one is there for you. 7 years of a relationship taught me that. Having a child together doesn’t change this either.
It’s rare you find someone who’ll genuinely have your back and be there for you and do what they can do pick you up. Most people offer worthless apologies because they have nothing else to say. People will use you and take advantage of you. They’ll treat you badly. They’ll do the bare minimum for you just so that they can keep taking from you.
Endlessly I have poured from my glass in order to fill the glasses of everyone around me. When my glass needs to be filled, it’s left empty. When I’m no longer of use to a person, they abandon ship. They leave. When they find a replacement, they leave.
I’ve learned that I love too hard and I care too much. I go above & beyond and put everyone’s needs above my own. I starve myself emotionally, mentally, & physically, so that everyone around me is fed. All the while, I put a smile upon my face & pretend that it’s all okay.
I want to be put first sometime.
I want to be worth something.
I bust my ass & have little to nothing to show for it. I’ve gotten to the point of begging for help and received nothing. I’ve learned the hard way that people are not there for you. If it doesn’t benefit them, then they’re not there for you. If they get nothing out of it, they won’t help you.
I wish I could act with such self preservation.
I wish I could be so self loving.
I wish I could be so selfish.
I wish I could put myself first.
I wish I could put my own happiness & needs above that of everyone else.
I wish I knew how to focus on myself…
But endlessly I pour from a glass long since empty, only being filled by the rain & my silent tears. Still, I fill the glasses of everyone around me. Leaving myself to starve. Perhaps to death.