You (the reader) are NOT an emotional rehab center. No one is. I do not expect anything from anyone. I write this because I can and want to. I write because I choose to and am a creative being who learns through critical analysis, experimenting, and failure. This is just an update and a voluntary arms-extended-reached-out attempt to be vulnerable, open, honest, explain myself (if even no one cares or hears), as well as a journal, and that is all.
These are things I have over come. Things that happened to me. Guilt, shame, backstabbing, betrayal, and I have to be strong every day to not fall into a victim mindset, to not self sabotage, to not bottle up. For some people every day is just a battle and that’s how it is for me.
PART 1: intro_____________________________________
I’ve been isolated these last couple years since the pandemic. I don’t have many friends anymore. I’m trying hard to clean myself up. Progress is slower than I’d like but still underway.
It’s not all bad though. I’ve written an albums worth of songs that everybody seems to really like. Nothing’s been released yet. I’ve only been showing people privately.
January 2020, I launched the Patreon and the store and almost all of my income has been coming from those two sources lately. Business is going better than I could ever hope for. I’m very blessed to be working for myself full time.
So those are good things in my life; music and photography.
PART 2: upbringing_____________________________________
The pandemic forced me to become a lot more introspective and isolated than normal. I’ve been going through the void within me.
I met a girl named Rachel who suffers from PTSD. And she helped me figure out that I too am suffering from PTSD and abandonment issues and lots of buried memories I’ve tried to run away from.
The biggest and most extreme one is that I was sexually abused when I was very little and my mom did nothing to save me (I actually wrote about it on this Tumblr but forgot about it). My mom held me down and helped restrain me. I had buried this memory deep down. I tried to confront her about it recently and she actually remembered but wouldn’t admit any wrong doing. She said “honey that was so long ago”. This is the most extreme one. The others are not as extreme but had long term affects on me that I was unaware of till now.
My parents had strict discipline tactics on me and my brother. They used to beat us with a long wooden stick they called a “Switch” and my dad even fixed a key chain to it so he could hang it on one of the door knobs. They’d also have us kneel on our knees on the wooden floors. One time my mom made me kneel for an entire day from when my dad left till when he got home from work.
I was mis-diagnosed with ADHD and prescribed experimental meds. One of those meds was Concerta and it really messed up the chemistry in my head. I was forced to take it most of 7th grade till my parents let me stop.
PART 3: terrible failed romances_____________________________________
(these are just the bad ones, I’m not writing about the good ones here or possibly ever because a gentlemen does not kiss/tell)
During that time, 7th grade, my first girl friend Katie in middle school slept with all my friends. Those so-called friends wanted her more than me. Nobody cared about me. The whole school of 500 kids at Blanchet private turned on me. My parents forced me to stay there for the next 4 years till my senior year when I went to West. I confronted my parents about this too and they argued that at the time there were tons of gangs at every school. Blanchet was the safest so that’s why they forced me to go there. But Blanchet was a fake fantasy world bubble. I wonder if I’d be a stronger person had I followed my friends who went to public schools.
There was another girl at another school named Dionne whom I really felt connected with. She said she’d date me but I didn’t know how to express my affection for her at the time having had recently gone through the experience with Katie I was very hesitant about being in another relationship for fear that everything would repeat itself. So I didn’t reciprocate her interest in time. By the time I had the courage to tell her, - this guy who I thought was my friend, Josh, snatched her from me. I don’t remember the details of what happened then but I know I freaked out and got emotional about it and Josh tried to comfort me. I never spoke with either of them again. They didn’t last even 2 years if I remember.
Junior year, I had a crush on this girl named Fatina. She rejected me so I didn’t ask her to prom because I thought she’d say no. Instead I asked this other girl a sophomore named Ashley who ended up ignoring me the entire night, didn’t dance with me, and blatantly tried to hit on my dad on the car ride home. A week later I found out Ashley only went with me to look cool to her friends.
And then I learned Fatina had secretly been wanting me to ask her and was mad I didn’t. We were texting and eventually she sent me a series of texts about how upset she was that I didn’t ask her and went with Ashley instead. And then I told her what Ashley did and she thought I was lying and bad mouthing Ashley. She never talked to me again.
There was Ali. She was really cool but I was 18 and she was I think 16 so we couldn’t do anything but talk and we talked a lot for an entire year. I thought we both mutually felt deeply connected. And then I learned she fucked another guy whom I thought was my friend named Sean and he was older than me.
Through out my life there have been women whom I had a deep connection with and for whatever reason was left feeling alone. So I started sleeping around without the deep connection in 2015. I made several adult productions between 2015-2017. Those were unique life experiences. I have zero regrets. It was purely mechanical and fun but didn’t last long. I still craved friendship, and deep connection, with emotional intimacy.
PART 4: ostracized_____________________________________
When I turned 18 the church youth groups I attended for years kicked me out because they don’t want 18 year olds associating with their minors. That was very traumatic for me because I was being cut off from my social connectivity sources. I tried the adult groups but was the youngest kid in those and they were not as exciting. They were very boring and fake. Majority of adults are very fake. They’re all worried about maintaining appearances, tryna look “successful”, and trying to prove they’re living their “best life” or whatever.
I’ve been in 5 bands. One of them I made myself. They all kicked me out for creative differences. One of them tried to ruin my career/reputation and put on a giant smear campaign around Salem. At the time I was also recording other artists and that business slowed down. If you want a taste of what music recording studios have to deal with on a regular basis YouTube “dumb texts from musicians” or “dumb shit musicians say” and look for the video with a long haired old yt guy yelling and showing texts he gets. Being in a recording studio was not fun for me.
PART 5: outcast_____________________________________
When I started my foot modeling photography back in 2015, at first I was met with lots of hostility. I’ve been banned from broadway coffeehouse because I work with under age models. Their director of operations tried to accuse me of false crimes and made false allegations against me.
PART 6: drop out_____________________________________
I dropped out of Chemeketa. Dropped our of Full Sail. Dropped out of the Recording Radio Film Connection program. And my mentor Erin Galey didn’t mentor me because she liked me, she did it because the program was paying her. I was not a good student. I didn’t give her the respect she deserved either. I didn’t take advantage of any of the real world work experiences because I was too arrogant and insecure with conflicting perfectionist views and creative goals.
My last job at Picture People was basically me being told what to do all day, being bossed around. It got worse during the holidays. The manager quit so I quit and then I later learned everyone else quit after me.
PART 7: money moves_____________________________________
Jan 2020 I launched the Patreon and store. It’s been the best move i’ve ever made. BUT one guy tried to cancel culture me because of it and he messaged all my clientele. Luckily, because I’m very open about myself, everybody already knew everything about me so I didn’t lose anyone. He thought it was a secret but he was using public info against me. I went to my attorney but he said since there were no damages, I can’t do anything about this guy. He got bored and backed off eventually but every once in a while I have to deal with ass holes trying to tear me down just because they disagree with my art.
One “karen” tried to cancel me in the middle of one of my shoots this Summer in WA. She didn’t like that I was photographing a 12 year old in a two piece swimwear even though the girls parents were right there. Her harassment didn’t work though. Everything worked out.
One of the models I work with had a friend who started stalking me on social media and tried to harass me from her bf’s accounts. And then one girl I was going to work with canceled and all her family and guy friends started harassing me. It’s her loss though. I’m a legitimate business, not a scam.
PART 8: scars_____________________________________
All of these things have built up inside me and during the pandemic I was isolated and alone. i’ve had to have these human experiences all by myself with no one I can trust. There are a lot more memories of being a victim and I have also done my fair share of hurting people too. I have hurt people I care about and I live with that guilt/shame.
I’m a giant book of tragedies and fucked up events but I’m learning to come to terms with my self. I will not be this pathetic and helpless forever.
Some people might think my story is petty, weak, pathetic, or even made up. Fuck them. This is real. Don’t gaslight me. Don’t spin things, twist my words, or put words in my mouth. I’m done pretending I don’t have emotions. I’m done acting like I’m perfect. I’m taking ownership of all my problems. And I’m only letting in people who reciprocate.
There’s something about 2017 and onward that a growing number of people jump to conclusions, make tons of assumptions, seemingly get offended by anything, block/unfriend everyone they know, and are more callus, heartless, and cruel than ever before.
This generation dehumanizes people they disagree with, deem “ugly”, or just simply don’t like for any reason. Then they try to cancel culture, assassinate character, and deplatform.
I do not have anyone I can talk with about my scars and I fear being gaslighted, marginalized, compared to, and judged. I cannot help but dwell sometimes. They are SCARS. This is PTSD. It is TRAUMA. And telling a trauma victim to just “man up” and “deal with it” or calling them “crazy” just makes things worse.
When you’re a woman, everyone cares about you. When you’re a man, they tell you to “man up”, they treat you like a potential “threat”, they hate you, they scar you some more. No one cares about men in our society. We are the ones with the highest suicide rates. We are the ones with the highest number of work-related accidents, deaths, and psychological issues. There are way more men in prison. These are all facts and statistics you can google for your self if you don’t believe me.
PART 9: lonely_____________________________________
I miss every single one of my exes and friendships. I miss being 12 years old. I miss my friends. I miss everybody.
When you’re alone, there’s no one to distract you from your inner issues. You’re caged with your self and forced to deal with your self.
The fact that some of my exes betrayed and hurt me, and that they moved on and are happier without me, makes me feel like I don’t have any value as a human being.
Many of my friends stabbed me in the back and blamed me for it.
No one ever apologies for what they did to me. They just blamed me.
And when I explain that these things have held me back, they accuse me of trying to manipulate them with my “victim mentality”.
But racism is real. Societal elitism and class warfare are real. Sexism and anti-lgbtq transphobia, homophobia, etc are all real. The trauma I have experienced over the years all adding up is very real.
And it’s hard for me to establish intimate, deep, and emotional, relationships with anyone any more. I can’t seem to connect with a woman anymore. I’m too damaged. And when you’re lonely, nobody cares. Everyone is scared of you. Loneliness is the most unattractive thing. It repels people. And yet so many people in this world suffer from it.
PART 10: back to base_____________________________________
A huge reason why I have not moved on is voluntary abstinence. I have not been trying to get out there. What’s the point? I’ll just self sabotage as usual. I don’t know if I have another “start over” in me.
And even if I were to get another girl friend, who’s to say she wouldn’t end up abusing me, playing games, and hurting me.
I don’t want to compete either. I want to choose someone who chooses me back. I will never make a girl compete for me. I do not want to compete for her.
We CHOOSE each other. Being chosen is the sexiest thing on the planet. But instead we play these games where we try to make each other jealous, or whatever. It’s completely backwards and invites problems into a relationship.
When I find my woman, I know that I will love my partner in all her versions through out life I believe. As we grow together, we’ll change together. We’ll become different people. I will choose to stay with her even as she changes. And I hope she will choose to stay with me as I continue to grow and change too.
I will not always be in this darkness forever. But it’s what I have been dealing with for the last two years; exploring the void within me. And I’m sure I will be in darkness again some day afterward too.
Progress is just slow is all. I’ve always been slower than most average humans. I think slow, I act slow, I do everything rather slowly compared to others. And that’s why it’s taking me so long to figure anything out. Especially after Concerta re-wired my brain at 12 years old. Those meds did long term damage to my brain that I will have to deal with for the rest of my life.
So there. I have confessed everything I wanted to confess. I’m completely vulnerable I think.
One time I asked an old friend to “Please stop playing games with me. Please have mercy” and instead she decided to unleash hell upon me. I think that is a metaphor for some of my life. Nobody cares. Life doesn’t care. I just want to make peace with everyone but seemingly everyone wants a war. I felt like I went through a divorce. You can have all these mutually magical experiences with a person, and over night they forget everything like nothing ever happened. How am I supposed to trust anyone ever again let alone myself?
