General Alexandre Dumas

General of the Republican Army of France. Proud father of the best author in the world. (A joke RP blog)

[simple-giant-ed]

(When Mortier opens the door, an avalanche of presents falls inside!)

- @generaldesaix and @general-alex-dumas

OH SHI-

All the presents crash onto him. The marshal will poke his head out of the sea of presents cartoon-styled and look around.

Mon dieu are all these for me?? This is too much, too much! Haha they better not all have things inside! I can’t accept so many..

He reads the labels

Thank you to Desaix and.. Dumas!? He’s here too now?? Oh well thank you and salut, my friend :)

[general-alex-dumas]

You are quite welcome, Mortier. I seem to have awoken in this realm a while back and some rules are still a mystery…

[your-staff-wizard]

What about Percheron horses, my friends? They can handle Kléber when he is piss drunk!

- @general-alex-dumas

d'Hautpoul: DUMAS, ye old bastard! Good ta see ya! Aye, Kleber had to have dem big ones, he was too fat for any others! HA! Percheron cart type or the Dutch Warmbloods.... In fact, Pajol said an' I quote:

"Kleber had, as mentioned, lost 3 horses near Mainz and therefore sent his adjutant, Captain Pajol, to Holland at the end of May, as soon as he became aware of the army's intention to advance, to select two suitable horses for him from the horse depots established there. It is evident that this was not an easy task, as the horses for Kleber's figure had to be of the heaviest type."

Ta be sure, he was nearly as tall as me, yeah, but he was bigger, if ye can believe that... fatter...ha! An' you hear he's gettin' hitched ta Madame DuQuay?

[general-alex-dumas]

D’HAUTPOUL YOU OLD BITCH!!! Yeah, Kléber told me! He even made a blood son! That kid is probably so tall he walks into all the doorframes…

[tonnerre-d-alsace]

Well hello there, malewife!

- @general-alex-dumas

Hello there, sexiest man in the Empire (according to the popular vote)

[general-alex-dumas]

Ha, I beat Bonaparte, they say!!! How have you been, Lefebvre?

[armagnac-army]

BOOO!!!

- @general-alex-dumas

SACREBLEU ITS A GHOST FROM 23 DAYS AGO!!!!

MAYBE ITS GONE AWAY SINCE THE LETTER PILE IS FUCKING HUGE NOW

BAD JOKES ASIDE bonjour generale! where the hell did you come from?!

[general-alex-dumas]

I have no clue! Just showed up here one day?

[your-staff-wizard]

Wait, did the Corsican moron lose to me in a Napoleonic Sexy Tournament? Really? 

- @general-alex-dumas

Aye, that he did... though I think a match between you and, say, @tonnerre-d-alsace would be a near draw, as apparently, Marshal Lefevbre has.... "DILF" energy.

[general-alex-dumas]

Who was this fictional Englishman the Corsican lost to?

[lesamisdupeuple]

Well, well, well, David! Good day!

- @general-alex-dumas

My my, what a wonderful surprise! If it isn't the legend of Porthos himself!!

Oh, good day, general Dumas. It's a pleasure to meet you.

It's seems that my partner has been reading too much lately... Heh.

Well, I believe that, throught a delightful book, I can find the perfect inspiration for my works!

[general-alex-dumas]

The one and only Alexandre Dumas!!!

So, did my contemporaries still remember me?

[general-alex-dumas]

The Corsican didn't even made pass the first round... And lost to a fictional british character

Ha! Serves him right!

[chicksncash]

Hello, Marshal Looter!

- @general-alex-dumas (while laughing)

Well well well, if it isn't our Porthos! Good to see you again, old man!

[general-alex-dumas]

Porthos like the musketeer my son created?

[thehussargeneral]

Hello, Lasalle!

- @general-alex-dumas

By God, that is a name I haven't seen in a long time! How have you been, my friend?

[general-alex-dumas]

Adjusting to… whatever this place even is…

[general-junot]

JUNOT!!!

- @general-alex-dumas

DUMBASS???? IS IT REALLY YOU?????

[general-alex-dumas]

Very original pun there, buddy… Silly as always, I see.

[general-alex-dumas]

General Dumas! How do you feel after winning the Napoleonic Sexy Tournament?

Uhh… who was my opponent? Of course I’m far sexier than the Corsican!!!

[le-dieu-mars]

K-Kléber?! Is that you?

(A familiar figure appears in front of Kléber)

In the flesh, as it were... you look familiar.... forgive me, it's been over 224 years since I've been out... Etienne, Auguste - do show our guest in.

the two Damas brothers look at the guest and can't figure out who that is either

[general-alex-dumas]

Kléber, how in the actual fuck do you not remember me? That sand has smoothed your brain!

[le-dieu-mars]

HOLY FUCKING SHIT DUMAS!!!

Nah, y'see, old man, this old lion's got himself a mate, and she's shagged the brains right outta me...HAH! Come in, come in! Desaix is around here somewhere, and I'm sure you remember our Damas boys, right?

Damas: General Dumas! A pleasure to see you again! Right in time, too - we've got a shindig planned for the 7th, to help an old friend through his death-day anniversary...

Auguste Damas: Yes! and you MUST meet Madame... you'll see why the old man here is smooth-brained when ya do! She's a big fan of your boy's writings, too!

[general-alex-dumas]

Ah, my boy… well, my MAN, I should say. It’s a shame I died when he was young… Now tell me, where the fuck is that Corsican? I need to… talk…

(Dumas looks a bit tattered and weakened, probably because he had died of an illness, but his knuckles still make a loud and intimidating crack.)

[le-dieu-mars]

Ah, first, a sustaining broth. Madame left to do real-world errands, but not before she left us with a repast; her fresh artisan bread, onion soup, a roast chicken or two, rice seasoned with the spices we encountered in Egypt, crisp-tender haricots verts in a browned butter sauce, hors d'oeuvres of chevre-stuffed dates, honeyed fresh figs, champignons farcis with sausage, duxelles and breadcrumbs, saumon fume with capers and creme fraiche, a nice quiche Lorraine with eggs from her hens, a cheese course and some of the fresh fruit that she has - out of season, mind you - the modern world is an epicurean's paradise - coffee? Wine?

Then, my dear man, after we have supped and smoked, we will nous tous seek out that Corsican runt and give him the walloping he deserves - did I tell you Madame picked him up after a particularly spirited discussion about Egypt twixt he, Etienne Damas and I, and threw him into the wall? My gods... then the three of us retired to the chambers in the War Ministry, faked a three-some, and caught him with his pants down, literally? Sent the video to Cardinal Fesch and his mommy-dearest... we three escaped out the back of the Ministry, hijacked his carriage, tossed his papers to the four winds and later, after we'd drank all his supplies... popped over to Massena's at Rueil, disassembled the ruddy carriage and reassembled it on top of his damned Malmaison! Madame's idea...

Damas: The hangover was magnificent, and worth it to hear Bonaparte's screams of rage ringing in the countryside!

[general-alex-dumas]

Sounds good to me. I am starving! I tell you one thing though, Brindisi is - 10/10 for me! Wouldn’t recommend.

Wine, please. Thanks. I missed that Alsatian white…

[le-dieu-mars]

K-Kléber?! Is that you?

(A familiar figure appears in front of Kléber)

In the flesh, as it were... you look familiar.... forgive me, it's been over 224 years since I've been out... Etienne, Auguste - do show our guest in.

the two Damas brothers look at the guest and can't figure out who that is either

[general-alex-dumas]

Kléber, how in the actual fuck do you not remember me? That sand has smoothed your brain!

[le-dieu-mars]

HOLY FUCKING SHIT DUMAS!!!

Nah, y'see, old man, this old lion's got himself a mate, and she's shagged the brains right outta me...HAH! Come in, come in! Desaix is around here somewhere, and I'm sure you remember our Damas boys, right?

Damas: General Dumas! A pleasure to see you again! Right in time, too - we've got a shindig planned for the 7th, to help an old friend through his death-day anniversary...

Auguste Damas: Yes! and you MUST meet Madame... you'll see why the old man here is smooth-brained when ya do! She's a big fan of your boy's writings, too!

[general-alex-dumas]

Ah, my boy… well, my MAN, I should say. It’s a shame I died when he was young… Now tell me, where the fuck is that Corsican? I need to… talk…

(Dumas looks a bit tattered and weakened, probably because he had died of an illness, but his knuckles still make a loud and intimidating crack.)

[le-dieu-mars]

K-Kléber?! Is that you?

(A familiar figure appears in front of Kléber)

In the flesh, as it were... you look familiar.... forgive me, it's been over 224 years since I've been out... Etienne, Auguste - do show our guest in.

the two Damas brothers look at the guest and can't figure out who that is either

[general-alex-dumas]

Kléber, how in the actual fuck do you not remember me? That sand has smoothed your brain! That or drinking so much beer…

(Dumas tries to laugh but coughs.)