to survive finals week, me and @lumineve-isonline have made the stupidest batman au in the entire world. please let me introduce you to the pepsiverse
stella arnett (she/her) is infiltrating gotham’s upper crust by pretending to be a german heiress. with a physical therapy for hamsters business. to see if rich people will give her money
carson skipper (any pronouns) is the genderqueer mayor. no one really cares that they’re lgbt they just hate him because he’s the mayor
carson is living in an urban fantasy sitcom. stella is living in a fucking telenovela
stella is bruce wayne's controversially young (mid 20s) girlfriend and the family found out about them because he got cancelled on twitter over it
(jason made a twitter account) (to help cancel him)
the titular pepsi is based off the running bit that every restaurant in gotham only has pepsi products and stella has been a diet coke addict for years
her and bruce wayne have a devious meet-cute about it when he shows up to her work (as a waitress) (not a german heiress)
(he orders a diet coke) (they don’t fucking have any) (he promises not to rat her out)
immediately after this she leaves her job at the diner (she was ten minutes out from the end of her shift) (that rich dumbass sat down and made an order ten mins out from the end of her shift) and her purse gets stolen
jesus christ. could this day get WORSE.
from the alley there is a gunshot. out walks one (1) jason todd and he does in fact return her purse. this, crucially, does NOT help calm her down
(he was waiting for bruce in the alley) (they were going to have dinner together but he couldn't go through with it) (he was really looking for an excuse to shoot a man)
carson is the mayor of gotham because he made a deal at the crossroads that tied the fate of his soul to the city’s. crucially she is the clumsiest bitch in the whole entire world and WILDLY suicidal at best
if he does not get elected mayor, he dies. BUT if he dies whilst in office, gotham fucking explodes
all of the bats are so pissed about this. their job is effectively now to protect this guy who is a fucking Creature and has No regard for his own wellbeing
unfortunately they are doing such a good job as mayor. like. the infrastructure.
carson is so fucking committed to the bit at all times that the joker has granted him a momentary reprieve
as stella is her best friend, carson is like. [sipping from wine glass he got from the wayne manor kitchen] brucieeee!! i need 6 mil to repair the bridge. yes really. oh and who got it blown up again ... uh huh batman did. and you didnt have anything to do with it. suuure. if you dont give me that money im going to end it all and then what. and then what b-man.
in return bruce is always like I do not negotiate with Terrorists! and then there is always a blank check on carson's desk the next day. thanks stella <3
carson is trying to get systematically ran thru by EVERY superpowered individual of age by the end of the year. it is going really well and she has pulled a good chunk of lanterns (including kilowog) and most of the bats. definitely kate kane. most of the supers.
they CANNOT pull jason todd
every time they try to have sex with jason (they are both hot! they are both down! they are both Probably Aromantic And Haven't Figured It Out Yet!) their issues clash in such a way that they both lose the energy and end up smoking outside and pointedly Not Crying which almost definitely takes more effort than just letting the other see them cry
stella, climbing through the window half-drunk: jason you wont believe what your bitch of a father did now
carson and jason, on opposite ends of the couch, pretending to watch father of the bride, have obviously just tried and failed to hook up: uh huh
stella keeps harassing clark kent at galas and everyone online is calling her classist
carson is always in that damn manor because she is always fucking one of stella’s stepbatsons. there will be an Official Family Meeting (read: bruce and stella are breaking up AGAIN) and carson is already in the batcave. aren’t you the fucking mayor. why are you in martha wayne’s old bedroom.
CRUCIALLY, bruce HATES carson and has a 75 slide powerpoint on why he is a manipulative maniac and stella just. dumps him again every time he brings it up
dick knows about bruce’s relationship with stella before anyone else. but he has Eldest Daughter syndrome and he kinda just wants bruce to be “happy” (if he even can be)
carson has been systematically sending estrogen to tim drake's hideouts for months now and tim is like I AM NOT A GIRL and carson is like ok. estrogen be upon ye.
(tim tgirl drake will figure it out in a few decades. steph sometimes drinks commiseratively with carson)
stella truly thinks jason’s white streak in his hair is a tik tok e-boy trend and not due to his death and resurrection. she thinks he’s doing it for attention.
when damian finds out stella is bisexual he says “i read something about this. i think we are supposed to feed you hot chips”
instead of fighting damian keeps drawing tim pregnant while there are WAY more pressing matters at hand
stella finds out bruce is batman because batman kisses her and he tastes like bruce
carson "my five year plan is to just give jason todd a gun and free reign" skipper
alfred is always making passive aggressive comments about the age gap. “stella just told me something fascinating. did you know she was born in the year of our lord 2004”
carson has a trusted secretary named florence (who runs the city while they're fucking and sucking) and her and stella are ALWAYS talking about “that fateful night in metropolis” no one can tell if they're joking or not. carson is genuinely confused when stella gets a boyfriend
there's so much more idek. please send either of us asks about this. eve please add on more and-slash-or correct what i've slapped together. we've been discussing this in the dining hall nonstop i know our campus is Sick of us
no one has ever called me eve before i’m giggling and kicking my feet
- stella is unfortunately freshly 21 (it is a self insert after all)
- i fear all the things i have to say about stella and bruce’s relationship are not Fun and Silly but more devastating
- stella 100% describes meeting bruce wayne for the first time as like meeting the Geico Lizard
- i think you pretty much covered it all
- i’m laughing at my own bit about jasons tik tok e-boy hair
- devious that we know each other irl and have the ability to talk about this over brownies and ice cream multiple days a week
- wait no editing to say you forgot the part where carson inexplicably is trying to get jason to hook up with with DEATHSTROKE and he is not only wildly confused but also adamantly against this (so is dick…wonder why…)
- until one fateful day when they..you know
- and its life changing. i mean seriously. he didn’t even know that was possible.
- and then he tells slade to NEVER TELL THE MAYOR ABOUT THIS.
It’s like time freezes. Tim - stops for a second. Thinks about it. Really pauses and considers whether or not he’s going to torment this young child who was raised in a cult. He should be the bigger person.
Then he thinks about himself, age fifteen, and his former idol and role model Dick Grayson telling him that the decorative raw fettuccine in the high-class restaurant Bruce had taken them to was meant to be eaten, really, here, take some -
“Oh, you’ve never heard of the one-day blinding stew?” Tim says. He only has one younger brother, after all. He has to cash in where he can. “Must be an American thing.”
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the silliest fucking fic of all time, courtesy of two best friends, their favorite meme, a mutual DC hyperfixation, and a 16 hour road trip.
Submitted by anon
Submitter's comment:
Honestly surprised I didn't suffocate laughing with how funny this is
There’s a bit of a trend at the moment saying that the worst man you know is going to dress as Nightwing for Halloween, and all I’ve got to say about that is, as a representative of the Council of the Worst Women You Know, I will also be dressed as Nightwing. Thank you very much.
bruce & stella for day 1: ocxcanon - full fic on AO3
For a moment, Stella Arnett is infinite. She is, yes, a little too drunk to be here. But she’s also a little too young and a little too dumb. A little too scantily dressed. A little too loud and obnoxious. Definitely more vulgar than anyone at the gala had expected.
Bruce Wayne is all of those things too, when he’s the man she fell in love with–not that she’s told him that yet. And not that she’s not in love with Batman too, it’s just…different.
Right now, Stella’s slicked back blonde hair is dripping down the open back of her designer dress. She’s shivering when Bruce wraps his jacket around her shoulders as the cameras of yelling paparazzi flash in her face.
He leans down to whisper something in her ear, slurring his words to mimic drunkenness even though his girlfriend is the only one in earshot. Even though Stella knows he’s too much of a hardass to actually drink with her. As if he could match her pace anyway.
“I love you, Stell.”
Stella grins–a wicked, evil thing that can only mean trouble. Bruce’s mirroring look is the nail in the coffin. His eyes are bright tonight, young even, despite the crow’s feet.
Collecting her discarded heels from the lip of the public fountain they’ve just canonballed into, Stella waves to the cameras, nearly blinded by the lights. Bruce scoops her into his arms, looking into her eyes like they’re the only ones around, dumb and intoxicated even if he really isn’t. And he kisses her, slowly and slightly chlorinated. And infinite.
hi friends :) idk if this applies to anyone, but i’ve had people ask permission to draw my ocs and i just want to make it clear—you can draw my ocs all day every day, nsfw, ooc, etc. i do not care. go crazy
sometimes i understand the villains in gotham because i want to see jason cared for and i want to see tim open up and i want to see damian learn to exist at peace and i want richard john grayson BEATEN and BLOODY and CRYING and WHIMPERING and BEGGING and
