grad school meditations

My personal perspective, experience, thoughts, ponderings, and insight gleaned during my attempts at grad school... (yepp. I was and am a grad student more than once because I got kicked out the first time).

[gradschoolmeditations]

That one time I got kicked out of Dominican University of California’s OT program: Predatory Universities and Implicit Bias

On the heels of George Floyd’s death, and the BlackLivesMatter movement, I can’t help but revisit, yet again, the trauma of that one time I ended up getting kicked out of Dominican University of California’s OT graduate program; knowing I was the only black student in the cohort at that time.  

I had attended the university from Fall of 2012 until Winter of 2014, at which point I was suddenly met with a signed, sealed envelope of my predetermined dismissal.  The envelope was handed to me at an unexpected dismissal meeting with Dr. Ruth Ramsey, who is still currently the head of DUC’s OT department to this day.  

I was dismissed based on two pages of made-up reasons like "student sends too many emails", “other students ask not to partner with you on group projects”,  and other such nonspecific, unsubstantiated bullsh*t.  We were all getting passing grades (mostly A’s) on said projects; and I recall during the dismissal meeting specifically that Dr. Ramsey said, and I quote, “but there is so much admiration for you in this department.  You’re so well liked”.  Uh... what, what??   Then why, exactly am I getting kicked out again?  

There were no clear incidents of misbehavior or policy breach to speak of in my performance.  My GPA was excellent, my fieldwork reviews were excellent, and I was the only student who had gone out of state for fieldwork and who started a blog for Dominican's OT student association.  I never missed an exam, and submitted all assignments on time.  I even still went to school the same day I was in a rollover car crash. 

 It's just that -- I was the only black student in the cohort.  And Dominican University of California’s OT program at that time was of course a predominantly white program with mostly white faculty.. except for Dr. Maya Bell, who they sprinkled in there to keep their prejudice ways slightly less obvious.   As a result, DUC got to keep all $150K of my tuition money, and I never even got the degree.  

Dr. Ramsey also wrote in the dismissal letter that I would “not be successful in any clinical setting as an occupational therapist”-- uh, who is Dr. Ruth Ramsey? The God of Occupational Therapy? And isn’t it the job of occupational therapists to help other people succeed at endeavors in life, despite physical or psychosocial challenges?  Way to be a huge hypocrite of your profession, Ruth. I’m also pretty sure that writing false and disparaging statements about students is a form of libel.  

It was suggested to me at the time that I try to find a civil rights lawyer to sue Dominican University of California.  But as a basically poor, student of color that hadn’t worked more than 5 hours a week between 2012 and 2014 as a result of being in Dominican’s program, I obviously did not have the financial means to sue. I didn’t even have the money to pay the retaining fee for the lawyer to review my case; and was traumatized (I’m still traumatized by this whole incident, years later) and felt it more important to put the broken pieces of my life back together.  I had worked for years just to be admitted to any OT program. 

In  the years that followed my unfair dismissal, Dominican University of California unfairly dismissed other students with a questionable lean towards reasons based on implicit bias: an elderly student with a documented disability, and a year or so after her, a latinx student.  Except somehow the latinx student found my contact info and I wrote her appeal letter for her threatening to sue the university, and they coincidentally let her back in.  

If you are a student of color, or former student who was ever dismissed from Dominican University of California’s graduate programs, if you would like to feature my story on your site, if you would like to see my dismissal letter for yourself, or if you are a lawyer who thinks you might be able to assist myself and another student who was dismissed as a result of implicit bias, please reach out to me at [email protected] 

It also goes without saying that if you are seeking OT graduate programs to attend, you should probably avoid the predatory, probably discriminatory ones.  

[gradschoolmeditations]

Above is a photo from someone else’s blog about being a grad student, and some mental-health related struggles you will inevitably face. 

Thinking you can just “quit”, however,  is a notion made of pure bullshit for any grad student who HAS to work in order to survive.  The part about  how working full time and being a grad student is bad for you, and slowly slashing years off your lifespan? That part is not bullshit.  But that’s how it goes down for most poorer or disadvantaged people. 

Grad school is not set up to support the success of people who go into it with any kind of support deficit.  Know that before you sign yourself up. If you’re lacking money, or if you’re a single parent, or a single woman who has been her own breadwinner in adulthood, you’re going into grad school with a support deficit.

Also note that there is this catch-22 where you want to pursue grad school so you can get into that career that makes you more than $15 an hour.  You can’t get into that career without your basic survival needs met.  So then you have to take out student loans which put you into the debt trap; and you’re now literally paying to go in debt so that you can stop being a broke ass adult.  

Ironic, no? 

Welcome to the 21st century. 

[maharani-radha-writes]

I don’t really like to post too, too much about my work on here just because I know y’all follow me for fanfic. But this happened today, and it just made me think back to that anon I received who asked why I “brag about my PhD.” Today, the National Science Foundation (NSF) released the winners of its very prestigious graduate research fellowship. For those of you who aren’t familiar, this is a US government-funded fellowship that supports STEM PhD students for 3 years with a stipend as well as NSF resources to complete their research work (be it laboratory resources or additional advising). Applicants are scored based on their “intellectual merit” (which boils down to, are you qualified from a scientific perspective) and “broader impacts.” The “broader impacts” focuses on the applicant’s ability to disseminate science outside of their immediate bubble–particularly in initiatives of outreach and diversity and inclusion. 

It’s a very competitive scholarship, so I wasn’t expecting much when I applied. I did not receive the scholarship, and while it sucked, I didn’t think much about it. But then I found out who in my department was funded, and then I started to get a little pissed. 

I can’t speak to what happened nationally, only just in my own department. So I don’t know who else received the fellowship. But 25 people in my department applied, 12 of whom were POC (myself included). 10 people were funded: all of them white. Which strikes me as really odd considering the NSF makes it a priority to include people of underrepresented backgrounds, and makes “broader impacts” an application criterion. 

Of the 10 who were funded, one of them is a classmate of mine, a white woman, who failed her qualifying exams, and was asked to leave the program. Because this funds PhD degrees, she will have to decline the award, and the award will then be given to one of the “honorable mentions” (I was not one). This really irked me because not only did I pass my qualifying exams, it shows that the reviewers were unable to determine, based on the application, who would be successful in the program, and award the scholarship based on that. 

A second classmate of mine, a white man, received the scholarship. My undergraduate research work, for which I published a first-author paper in the Journal of the American Chemical Society, laid the foundation for this person’s work. He works in the exact same lab that I did when I was an undergrad, and he told me that he would be taking over the project I started. He even cited my JACS paper as a part of his application. But he was funded, and I was not. 

Before you ask me if his application was truly worse than mine, let me tell you what the reviewers thought. I had 3 application reviewers. In the category of “intellectual merit” I received two “goods” and one “excellent.” In the category of “broader impacts,” I received three “excellents.” One reviewer said in their commentary that I was a “holistic and well-rounded candidate for the NSF fellowship.”

I would like to know, that as an applicant with two first-author publications in highly-ranked American Chemical Society journals, and 4 “excellents” on her application, why I was not even given an “honorable mention.” Especially when none of my white classmates, who were funded, had even one publication–let alone two. 

This isn’t solely to rant. This is to point out the huge disparity in who is receiving the awards, and ask if we are actually, truly awarding the most qualified people. And to continue to respond to the anon who asked me “why I felt the need to brag about my PhD.” Here’s the thing: women of color, especially in STEM have to walk on water to get noticed. And even then that’s no guarantee. We will still lose out to our white classmates, even if they are mediocre or we directly contribute to their success. Our accomplishments are seldom acknowledged and overlooked, and this has been a problem for years, and clearly still continues to be. 

I certainly hope that the scholarship that my female classmate will have to decline will go to a POC on the “honorable mentions” list. At this point, I’m not just upset that I didn’t get the fellowship. I’m upset at the continual lack of recognition of POC in STEM, and I hope that for some folks, who still think that diversity and inclusion initiatives are a waste of time, that they can look at this post and realize that we have a shit ton of work left to do. 

[gradschoolmeditations]

San Rafael’s Dominican University under federal bias probe

A federal civil rights office has launched an investigation into Dominican University of California in San Rafael on allegations of age and disability discrimination, the agency said.The Office of …

And hello again, y’all.  

Here we are, 5 years to the day when I got kicked out of Dominican University of California’s Occupational Therapy program.  Lo and behold, I found ANOTHER person who got kicked out of the exact same program!

Except this woman was smart.  Unlike me, she did NOT miss the deadline for filing a complaint with the department of education’s Civil Rights branch; and now, Dominican University is under investigation.  Serves them right; because apparently this must be a thing they do-- kick students out unjustly and assume the students aren’t going to know how to fight back.  

I continue to feel, based on my personal experience, that Dominican University of California is one of the most corrupt, crooked, and deplorable private universities for occupational therapy in the country.  There are other OT programs that every potential student should consider.  

If you are ever questionably kicked out of your graduate program, I strongly encourage you to appeal, and if the appeals get denied just keep on appealing and move your way up the chain of command.  Immediately file a complaint with the DOE Civil Rights, request a complete copy of your personal file and transcripts, and don’t be afraid to blast your situation through social media and local newspapers.  

If private universities are doing corrupt and unfair things, it needs to be stopped.  And it takes those of us who have the courage to speak up and the wisdom to respond promptly to force these institutions to stop dicking students around.  

[gradschoolmeditations]

Is College Worth It?

There's a lot to consider when deciding if college is the right decision for you. But the bigger question really should be—is college worth it?

[gradschoolmeditations]

UnCollege Gap Year helps young people pursue their interests through learning relevant skills and gaining real world experience. Travel. Learn. Intern.

This is brilliant. 

[cwote]

Relax, you will be okay.

Inspired by @lightheartedsuggestion 

[gradschoolmeditations]

Uh... actually I’m here to bust this way too hopeful myth, this repackaging of the modern American dream that involves the pursuit of a graduate degree in an American university. 

When you’re a grad student, the truth is, you don’t get to relax. Sorry.  All those papers you need to finish writing have deadlines. 

If you are a grad student right now, you are assuming you will graduate. No one at any point will sign any document guaranteeing that you will finish. I didn’t graduate grad school once; I got kicked out.  I also know of multiple others who got kicked out, or discovered they hated it and needed to withdraw or stop their trajectory and change it for their own mental sanity. I also know quite a few women who ended up getting pregnant and had to hit the pause button on grad school. 

About this alleged promise of a job... again, not a guarantee.  I have multiple colleagues, we all have graduate degrees, and a frightening number of us have been laid off or even fired.  And just like any professional field in America, everyone else in America with the exact same graduate degree as you is competing for the same jobs.  And so are multiple generations of students who the universities keep on pumping out, year after year.  In the case of some fields, you are competing with the entire world’s cohort of people who have the same degree as you.  In that vein, I would suggest that if you are putting your time towards getting a graduate degree, at least be able to compete on an international level.  

About love... being a grad student and having a relationship simultaneously actually are highly incompatible.  Every grad student knows your relationship goes on the back burner because you are spread so thin it’s insane. It’s definitely possible to sustain a romantic relationship while you’re in grad school.  I was in one, and then it ended and I had other flings while a grad student.  But it gets bumped way down the priority ranks by default because grad school is so intense and demands all of your time.  

If you’re single, nothing about earning a degree or having a graduate degree magically makes you more desirable as a single.  In fact, I might even argue that if you’re a single female in her mid twenties to thirties, having a graduate degree actually works against you because it intimidates most of the man children out there who are also still single, and don’t have graduate degrees.  More women than men have college degrees in America.  “Oh yeah?” you say, “but what about “The League”?? They’re literally ken doll ivy league douche bags I would NEVER want to date.  I was in the league, so I’m speaking from direct experience here. My stint on the league lasted maybe two weeks total before I was completely disgusted with the ken doll rich dudes. Sorry but I want a man who is smart and also builds shit with his hands, who can be rugged, has wild hair and sea-salted kisses, and doesn’t care if we run straight home from the beach, peel off our swimwear, and make love with sand in our butts.  I don’t do ivy league, sweater-and-sperry-wearing ken doll.  I’m happy with a good old fashioned bachelor’s degree man, a man with no degree and his own business, or a non-ivy league dude with a master’s degree maaaaaybe. If his muscles stand out as much as his brain.  I have ripped arms and an ab crack (this is the kind of shit you have time for once you’re done being a grad student); so he needs muscles, and to be able to do shit I can’t already do. I can already write, read books and study really hard.  

No, you HAD an entire life.   But then, depending upon which degree you chose to pursue, three to a staggering eight years of that life it is  now going to go down the shitter while you’re trapped behind the doors of an institution writing papers all the time.  I have a friend who I believe is still not done with her thesis as we speak, who has ultimately been working on higher education for an entire decade starting from community college through to her master’s degree.  She will have way less debt than the rest of us who went straight into four year universities and then into grad school though. But shit. A decade of your life, gone. 

Things take time.  Time that time you are never getting back while you toil away writing basically meaningless papers that no one will read except you, maybe your colleagues, and your thesis advisor once all of this is over.  That time you speak of? Other people are using the exact same time to start businesses that make them tons of money, or work for employers that pay them bank without a graduate degree, or time spent traveling the world... yepp, the exact same time you chose to spend on grad school.  That is why anyone wise will choose the fastest graduate program they possibly can if getting a degree is necessary for entering a particular field of work. 

Enjoy grad school? You get to enjoy grad school if you’re lucky.  No one gets out of grad school and thinks “I loved that! Let’s hurry up and do it again!”.   No one.  LOL. The first time I was in grad school I haaaaaated my life.  I was more depressed, stressed out, and anxious than I have ever been in my entire lifetime.  The second time I was in grad school, I fucking loved it; and if it was free, I might actually be willing to do the first 3/4ths of it over again.  I will be honest on behalf of everyone suffering through grad school that sometimes, grad school fucking sucks ballz.  Permission granted to not enjoy where you are now. Permission granted if you honestly feel like you cannot WAIT for the day this nightmare portion of your life is over, so you can get back to living a sane, normal adult life.   

[gradschoolmeditations]

Why the Government Should Erase All Current Student Loan Debt

Forgiving all student debt could actually mean a huge boost to the economy. It's so crazy it just might work.

[gradschoolmeditations]

If you EVER think you want to attend college, you need to watch this documentary first.  No joke. I’m watching it as we speak. You can watch it on netflix DVD (dvd.com), and probably rent it on iTunes or youtube. 

[gradschoolmeditations]

[gradschoolmeditations]

11 alarm clocks that'll actually get you out of bed

Having trouble waking up in the morning? Maybe just hit snooze anyway. You'll be happier.

Do you struggle to avoid hitting the snooze button? Or to actually get your 

🙊ss out of bed?  I do.  Here’s what I discovered exists in the world to solve this problem... 

[gradschoolmeditations]

This.  Tumblr suggested I check out this blog, and I’m dying laughing because this guy? He gets it.  Granted, I’m laughing harder than I would if I was still in grad school...  and for all the Ph.D posts? yeah f*ck that.  I’m already in debt for the rest of my lifetime. 

[gradschoolmeditations]

work it out Sundays: If you have 10 minutes, this is a killer ab workout. You will be dying/laughing at the end right along with her as you push yourself to the end, trust me. 

[gradschoolmeditations]

U.S. Student Loan Debt Statistics for 2017 | Student Loan Hero

It's 2017 and Americans are more burdened by student loan debt than ever. Here's a deep dive into shocking student loan debt statistics in the country.

We’re fucked, and we all know it.  Yet the wheel won’t stop spinning...

[gradschoolmeditations]

Hey everyone...

Would you be willing to “publicly share”, on tumblr, how much student loan debt you currently owe as a result of choosing to pursue education in America, from undergrad through grad school, where you went to school, and whether you would do it all over again/ was it worth it?

I basically want to hear some stories.  What did you major in? Did you end up getting a job in your field? Was it financially worth it to go to college/ grad school? How much debt are you in?  How much do you owe every month? 

If it makes people feel better, I’ll go first...

Current student loan debt balance: $150, 000.00 between everything from undergrad to grad school, twice. 

Would I do it all over again? 

- undergrad @ University of California Santa Cruz = hell yes. 

- graduate program at Dominican University of California, Occupational Therapy= FUCK NO. Hugest mistake of my life. 

- graduate degree in Education from Loyola University Maryland= yepp.  It led me to my current career, which I love. 

- How much debt I owe monthly: On an income-contingent repayment plan, $200/ month... presumably forever. 

[legogradstudent]

Hanging out with a friend not in academia, the grad student feels like someone who just crawled out of a bomb shelter.

[gradschoolmeditations]

#gradschoollessons: some parts of grads school are actually preparing you for “real life”. 

... just when you think it’s grad school, guess what? Because your career will leave you so highly specialized, unless your career is say, yoga instructor or american ninja warrior contestant, chances are high you’ll always be an oddball hanging out with any friends who aren’t in the same field as soon as everyone starts talking about their jobs.  When talking about grad school, you might as well be talking about your job. Except, at least your job gives you more interesting stories to tell about your specialization.  

No one, by which I mean no one, not even your future self post-grad school, really cares about research and theses.  That is the business of grad students, academics, and maybe documentarians and non-fiction authors.  Unless you invent some shit that is going to revolutionize reality, chances are no one  will really care about all the papers you’re wasting years of your life writing. 

[gradschoolmeditations]

I just got done watching this video about youtube’s ad boycott; and within the video was this much-needed little morsel of inspiration. 

If you’re struggling through grad school right now, know that I got kicked out of grad school before.  It was one of the most devastating moments of my life. I worried that I would be broke, unable to get back into grad school ever again, eating dumpster-dived tuna out of a tin can under a bridge somewhere as a result of having no career, about $100K of American student loan debt, and no one to support me financially except me.   

At the time I got kicked out, I had an awesome GPA, I was the only student in my cohort who went to Hawaii for field work, and I had created a blog for the campus OT student association. I even still went to school within hours of surviving a roll-over T-bone car crash because earning that degree was so highly prioritized in my life (...and because they had intimidated me with the threat of being kicked out of the program if I was ever late to school). 

 “How could this nightmare be happening?/ Why me?”, I wondered to myself as I walked away from Dominican University of California’s OT department for the last time, in a state of complete surreal shock. Who actually gets kicked out of grad school, for a bunch of vague, bullshit reasons that make no sense?  Oh, I guess << I >> do.  

Three years later, here I am;  living in my own rental sans housemates, 5 minutes away from the beach.  I have a career I absolutely adore, and I get to do the hobbies I love. I get to work with people from all over the world. Since getting kicked out of Dominican University of California,  I’ve lived in other states, had a TON of fun in my second very successful stab at grad school, made friends and professional connections from all over the country and the world, and I travel for work. I can work anywhere on earth, and I’m not limited to California or America. I work with children and adults, helping people who need help, knowing I’m contributing towards making the world a better place every day, now, and well into the future.  And I still have a master’s degree. 

That was everything I thought an OT degree would give me, except I didn’t realize at the time that I didn’t need an OT degree to make my dream life real.  (Nor did I realize paying $1000 a unit is something anyone ever needs to do in order to establish a sustainable, fulfilling career). 

There is a child I work with right now, who had hand surgery a month-ish ago to optimize his hand function despite being born with a congenital anomaly. Once his cast was off, he couldn’t even lift a glass to drink water (oh. By the way, he’s not even two and he knows how to drink out of a glass cup, yes, legitimate breakable glass, like an adult).  Now, he’s carrying heavy chairs over to the table to bake muffins with his classmates.  The only part I do is make sure the children wash their hands if they put their hands in their mouths or if they crack the eggs open, and I put the muffins in the oven.  The children, who are all two and under, do everything else independently. And so does this kiddo.  They even wash the dishes, clean the table, and put all their chairs back at their respective tables after baking is over. How’s that for functional independence and ADL’s? How’s that for the soul?! #f*ckstackingcones

You don’t know what’s going to happen to you in this life, and what life has in store for you.  You don’t know if your curse could become your biggest blessing. But I can attest that Julianna is right-- you can choose how you let things affect you.