Presently the Present

Life after the past, living for today!

[gypsysjournal]

Grab a sandwich & Run

Were you that child that always had a backpack ready to just grab a sandwich and you were ready to run away? I was, I’ve always been that kid. Ready to run when things get tough, crazy or just to much. This weekend displaying a very childish moment inside of me and to the Man I love, I had to take a step back put my “bags” down and really look at this situation. Why was I so mad, why was he so mad, what got us here? Turns out in the long run it was mostly my emotions and a little of his sensitivity. This weekend I didn’t know what I know today about myself or anything. Today we have grown with each other out of another childish habit. Today I have learned that I have a new responsibility, another reason to be crazy, but above all another reason to be filled with joy and unconditional love. We have created life. I want to raise a dreamer and a wonderer but I don’t want to raise a child that is ready to grab a sandwich and run from everything. especially that is; ready to run from me. We all say it, it’s true. But the child in me wants to scream to the Woman “Don’t do it! Do end up like that, don’t be the parent you were scared of that kept you timid and small!” There is something inside of me that is screaming to run, HA but what dear reader could I run from? Can I run from myself, is that possible? Can I run from this innocent child that has yet to learn sorrow? Can I run from this amazing man that is going to be an amazing father? No, I can’t. The Child in me is growing into a beautiful woman, I’m scared shitless, but still a beautiful, brave, pregnant baby momma.  

[gypsysjournal]

The Yearning Artist in Me.

Why do I always find myself fighting this inner battle? Why can’t I let go of my childish thoughts and my own self pitting? Why do I always find myself in the happiest situation, but lost in the middle of the desert? Is there something internal that keeps me always fighting myself? Me, this girl, the Woman that I strive to be, has found this beautifully happy place, and yet I still long for more, I still fight with myself in the strangest of moments. I just want to be free of my self pity and anger. Always knowing that there is this evil monster in me that I keep locked away. Always being this happy crazy loving person, not many know how the monster in my breaths such a hot toxic fire. I yearn for the free feeling that I use to have in my bayside house on the gulf coast of florida. I want to be the wild, free spirit that’s calling from within. Why do I hide myself, that most beautiful part of myself? Can’t I be an artist and normal too? Can’t this woman just be the magical beauty that I feel I am. I am a magical beauty, one has to be to keep such a monster trapped and locked away. 

[lesstalkmoreillustration]

Alexander Grahovsky

THE BAIT

[modcloth]

In honor of National Best Friend Day. 

[gypsysjournal]

Smile at Challenges

I find myself still acting like a child in so many situations, I want things when I want them and I want them now. Fortunately the woman in myself can control my childish rage for the most part. Being in this wonderful new relationship, with the boy of my past and the Man of my future and for how happy I am you would think that I would know how to act different, better, smarter; something; anything! Yet here I sit, crushed about my actions. My personality is so feisty, wild and has few fucks to give. I’ve been a “single” woman most of my adult life. Finding great power in myself by not being influenced by “my relationship” that was all the child in me really thought I needed. Being super content in life, being a wild spirit and wildly in love with everything and everyone, knowing that our time would be our time. The future to me always looked like me, with my one or two wonderful, wild children. For the longest time all I wanted was me, selfish I know. But I have found out who I am, and still hide from it. Learning to be in a relationship is more of a challenge than I ever expected. Ha, but the thought of that does nothing but bring a smile to my face. I love the challenges we create for each other but even more I love the way we connect after the challenges **In all ways if you know what i’m saying?!*wink** 

The Lesson here for me today is, is that we will all, always have to grow up and over come our own personal challenges. Mine is trying to take a calmer approach to most everything. I some times pick on my Mr. Man and that is so not ok (i guess) sometimes it is funny, but it hurts his feelings. I give fucks, I do; just not always in the right ways. I’m not sure how it is for you dear reader, but just when I think i’m all grown up.. I find another childish challenge to overcome.

[gypsysjournal]

Saved

As an intro to this blog, that a dumb child had unsuccessfully started a year ago, that child is going to tell you a little about how she has been saved, and yes, saved by love! Spending over a decade learning to love and be comfortable with herself, finding out who had been and who will someday be in the future. It was not always a welcoming journey filled with loving arms that were always waiting around that tough corner ahead to hold the troubled child of my past in their arms and tell me that it would all be ok. NO, in fact it was a rather lonely up hill struggle that will be cherished and never wanting for the world to take it back; the life that a child had experienced, she looked forward a strong headed, loud mouthed, sour patch lover aroused in every moment of the pain and the glory. My life has been gold, and my sugar cream of a skinny white boy: my man reminds me of that every damn day of my life; for the past six months. Her, this woman now sits wanting to be a good writer, an interesting one, but not for you, dear reader, but for me. I want to have something of a mini memoir that I can look back at and actually enjoy reading, and I want to do that by talking to you, to the future woman, the reader, just as you are. And I want to do that by taking everything that child had learned from her past and entice you to keep reading to keep wondering, and someday leave you lingering with what is happening now. Are you ready to learn and live with the child and grow with the woman that shall become?