Elfhame's Citizen @h3len1602 - Tumblr Blog

angst-lvr

frat!Toji x quiet!reader

This is my first super long post so idk how good it is

wc: 3.2 ish k

cw: angst, insecurity, a lot of self doubt, fluff

Like kinda proof read but not really, I need to go to bed, I have class in the morning

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You were shy.

Kind of.

It wasn't necessarily by choice, rather conformity.

In high school, you would watch your best friends date and love effortlessly, whilst you sat on the sidelines, wondering what was wrong with you. Why didn't the guys ever want you? You didn't think you were ugly, no rather, you were typical. Average.

Maybe you were weird? But even with a nerdy side, it wasn't like it was public information.

You just watched. Ached. Waited. You never pushed, terrified of facing any aspect of rejection. The idea of love became something you resented, you didn't say 'I love you' to friends or family, it became some forigen concept you just couldn't grasp. Physical intamacy was something you never explored, hugging friends was an abnormal idea to you.

You hadn't had a first kiss. Never held hands. Was still a virgin at 21.

So you became slightly outcasted. Never the main friend. No ones first pick. And that became normal.

You always message first. You initate hang outs. You always remeber the details. And they never do.

You knew you were a pushover, the scapegoat, the one who would do anything for a friend without expecting anything in return.

You became the back up. The reliable one. The one who was always there even if no one was there in return.

You were sat alone in the dining hall, something that became a regular once you found out that your 'friends' weren't often avaliable, for you. Earbuds in, that same resting bitch face you had devloped as a defensive mechanism, picking at your fries and salad.

And the seat across from you pulled out.

Toji Zenin.

You'd met him a few times, indirectly.

It was at a frat party, your friends decided to include you for once, dragging you along despite your own protests. Your friend had hit on him, attempted to get in his sheets that night. He wasn't intrested, you remeber that shattering her, she usually got whatever she wanted. You envyed her in that sense, despite having no desire to be as spoiled.

He was also friends with a few people you knew, specifically your close friend Shoko, more study buddies than anything.

Mainly, you shared a chemistry class.

You swallowed, looking up at him, wide eyed, cheeks already flushed to a burning red.

He didn't even look at you, rather just took a bite of his burger. Sat there, looking fresh out of the gym, a shirt that was practically glued to his skin and low sweats, his skin slightly glistening under the industrial style lights.

You stared for a moment, unable to say or do anything. Your lips slightly part, shutting almost immediatly.

“What?” He mumbled, mouth full of food, no care in the world.

Your eyes quickly fell down towards the plate in front of you, that anxious feeling within you immediatly growing.

“I-…just didn’t expect you to sit here.” You say quietly, toying with a fry on your plate, your appetite mostly gone, replaced with nerves.

He just shrugged. “Thought you seemed chill. So I sat.”

Chill.

That ran through your bones. No one ever just looked at you and wanted to sit with you. To talk to you.

You always did all that work. You went out of your way to make friends. You worked and worked to make yourself present in a way that people wanted to be friends with you. And whilst you were just, yourself, vulnerable even, he wanted to be near you the most?

It almost lacked sense in your brain. Why would he be interested in you?

“Chill..” you repeated, like a swear, said in the smallest whisper to yourself.

He didn’t reply, just cocking a brow slightly.

“You party?”

Why was he just talking to you so casually? You didn't understand it.

“No…not really.” You say, almost sounding embarrassed to say in front of a man known for partying. “Gone to a few of yours with friends.”

“Yea? Never seen you there.”

You felt yourself burn even brighter red. “I..uh- not really my scene. Usually in a corner or outside..... or leave early.”

You curse yourself over how awkward you are, though it truly isn’t your fault but the lack of experience you have. Your sure hes insanely turned off by your presence and awkardness by now.

He nods, seemingly not taking any offense to that. He was…almost nice? He had a reputation, and it wasn’t based around being a kind man.

The rest of his meal was quiet, a comfortable silence falling over you, but rather, your mind was running wild.

Once he was done, he got up, giving you nod before leaving, all without another word. You sat, slightly slumped, just thinking, wondering what the hell that was. Overthinking it beyond belief.

But sitting under your glass was a paper, and much to your shock, it read “call me.” in a better hand writing than you expected. Listed below was his number, signed with just a simple T.

You stared at it. This had never happened to you, never even occurred to you that it was an option. You had lost sight in the idea of dating by the end of your sophmore year of college, that sinking feeling of feeling unlovable had ran deep through your veins.

Later

You sat on the floor of your dorm, your roomate pacing.

"Why would he give you his number though?" she exclaimed, her hands shaking the now slightly crumpled piece of paper. "It just doesn't make sense. Asking you out after rejecting me? He probably is just really desperate to get laid."

You stared at your feet, not responding. What were you to say?

That familiar tightness was in your throat, tears you wouldn't dare to let out. Were you really worth that little? Were you truly that bad?

"Whatever, I'll ask try again with him tonight at his party seeing that he's that in need for some fun," she said cooly, tossing the paper on the floor beside you, grabbing her purse.

You stared at it, eyes slightly burning, a slump in your shoulders growing heavier.

"You sure you don't want to come?" she asked sweetly, though you knew better than to think she actually cared.

You shook your head, watching her leave without another word, her friends voices ringing through the dorm halls.

So there you sat, in a baggie hoodie and mens pajama pants, regretting ever bothering telling your roomate. You'd thought maybe, just maybe, she'd be happy for you just this once. But she wasn't.

You stared more and the paper, just thinking. Maybe.... maybe it wasn't real intrest. Maybe she was right. Why would he want you?

Maybe it was some sick prank, some sort of frat ritual. It started to feel more relalistic in your mind than him having actual intrest.

So you didn't text him.

You instead, shoved that paper into your bedside table, burying it. Nt incase you'd ever need it, rather wanting a reminder of the split second you felt special.

A few days later

You sat in the campus cafe. It was combined with the library, your nose deep into the biology textbook, highlights and scribbles or something that resembled your handwritting scattered across the centerfold. Taking up an entire booth was your laptop and notebooks, mind racing with theories and formulas.

Your glasses were falling off your nose, hair in a loose ponytail, tickling the back of your neck. You were in jeans and a loose fitting anime t-shirt that fell off your shoulder slightly. You looked mildly presentable.

You'd been there for hours, preparing for your next exam, or rather, too much ache filled you to want to be around your roommate.

Your coffee cup was long empty, the pastry you had purchused was barely touched due to your mind being too lost in your studies.

Maybe it was dedication.

Maybe distraction.

The space around you felt more closed in. A heavy shadow covered your text, your eyes looking up to meet the culprit. You expected maybe a classmate, possibly even your lab partner.

But it wasn't.

Toji sat in a near identical outfit to last time, only his shirt was a light grey, his sweats replaced with jeans. He seemed cleaner, slightly more put together in comparison to fresh out of the gym.

You blinked once. Twice.

Then the redness crept onto your skin, the tightness in your throat returning.

He looked back lazily, sipping whatever was in his cup.

"You didn't text me." He stated bluntly, almost sounding offended by the concept.

He watched you, lips turned slightly into a frown, eyes glued onto you, as if he was absorbing ever aspect of your face.

You swallowed, foot bouncing a bit.

"I know."

Your voice sounded meek, making you cringe. God, you hated sounding so weak, so innocent.

He turned his attention down to your notes, analyzing every little habit. It felt too intimate.

"Why?" He hummed, still reading, eyes not bothering to meet yours.

You paused. Why? Why did he care?

He could have any girl on campus. And yet, he was sitting in front of a girl who was too nervous to even hold eye contact with him. You were sure he could tell that you had a crush, attraction wasn't the issue.

"I-..." your voice fell short, quiet.

He hummed, eyes flickering up to yours.

"Go out with me." He said calmly, a blank expression on his face. It was almost more of a statement verses a question.

If you could melt into the floor on command, you would. Eyes like saucers, cheeks hot to the touch. Embarassment was oozing out of your demeanor.

"W-what?" You muster out, staring at him like he just grew 6 heads.

"Go out with me." He repeated, his voice simple but not disintrested.

You felt like you were dreaming.

You almost felt undeserving? Why did he want you? What did you do to deserve this?

"Like....on a date?" you clarrify, feeling stupid for the question but you were sure your face displayed enough confusion.

"Yea. I thought you were cute." He shrugged, writing his number back down on the top of your notebook page, directly beside the mess of formulas and sea animal doodles.

You just stared, unable to even respond. He thought you were cute? You had never even considered the idea. It felt beyond your wildest dreams.

He stood, slipping out of the booth. "Text me. If you do, I'll take it as a yes."

And then he left.

Leaving you, dumbfounded and in shock, eyes falling onto number that now felt familair, scribbled in your notes.

That night

You were in bed. It was a quiet night, your roomate out again, not that you were complaining.

You held your phone, his number already made as a contact. You kept telling yourself it was a bad idea.

But god, did you crave that attention. The need for someone to want you. It tore at you constantly. That desire.

So you typed.

And deleted.

Over and over.

y/n- hi, it's me

You sent it. Not delibritly, rather impulse.

You knew you'd regret it. But the pure ache in your heart for someone to want you ran deep, and you felt like you could only ever have this one chance.

Your phone buzzed immediatly, Toji's name flashing across your screen. But rather than a text, it was a call.

Panic flushed through you but you picked up, terrified he'd lose intrest if you didn't.

"Hey, babe. Was hoping to see your pretty name show up on my screen for days."

You face grew red immediatly, you voice refusing to come out.

"Bet you are blushing over there. It's cute." He hummed lazily, his voice deep with exhastion.

"Cute?" You say quietly, your voice showing the slight insecurity you had.

"Yea, had my eye on you for a while now. You always so quiet? Not that I mind."

Your mind was reeling, insecurity and anxiety flushing through you at rapid speeds.

"Yea, i guess."

He hummed again, his raspy voice going straight to your needy heart, clinging onto every aspect like it would be the first and last time it ever happened.

"Wanna take you out. Friday night. 7 pm. Wherever the pretty girl likes."

"I-... I like pho." You say quietly, praying this wasnt some cruel prank on your weak heart.

"Pho it is. I'll see you then, pretty." He said. You could practically hear the smile in his voice before the line ended with a click.

You sat your phone aside, looking up at the ceiling, sinking into your matress. You had a date with Toji. The Toji Zenin.

But you didn't understand. Why you? You weren't confident. You weren't much to look out, at least in your eyes.

You didn't sleep much, mind running a mile a minute, needing to understand why.

Friday

Nerves engulfed you all day. Classes were spent overthinking rather than focused, something future you would curse yourself over.

Why, why, why?

It was all you could think.

That night was spent pacing through your dorm. What did you wear? What would you say? What if he thought you were weird instantly?

After ages, you settled on a burgandy top, it was fitted but didn't show off much skin, you were rather insecure, confidence wasn't in your vocabulary. Jean went with it, light jewlery.

You felt pretty, which were are rarity these days.

He arrived at 6:50. He was early. He knocked on your door. He had flowers. He wasn't in sweats.

And as the date progressed, casual chat over ramen, you found yourself smiling. Laughing.

You didn't feel used. Like someone he just wanted for sex. He told you about how he'd stopped with the hook ups at the start of senior year, nearly 7 months ago, rather moving on with his life. He wasn't intrested in the party life, in the wild girls who just wanted to use him.

You felt like a person. LIke you mattered. He cared what you had to say, what you liked, what made you smile.

So he'd been watching you. You shared a high level chemistry class, you knew that. But he'd been watching all semester. Your mannerisms, your voice, your smile.

He said that he looked foward every day to class despite never speaking to you.

And it felt....genuine.

After that date, he brought you home. He kissed your cheek, held your hand in the car. He didn't try further, taking even just a smile from you with pride.

And from there one, weeks passed.

He showed up everywhere.

Messages every morning when he woke up for the gym reading:

Toji- morning, sweets

Toji- grab lunch after chem?

Toji- miss your pretty face in my sleep, wanna see you

Every morning. And every morning, a smile landed on your cheeks, something that was beyond foriegn. Your heart throbbed, an unfamiliar feeling running through you.

Almost a month into casual dates, Toji was in your dorm.

Your roomate was out, or rather staying with her fling of the week, either way, you didn't care.

He laid on your bed, watching you study at your desk. His sweats hung low, shirt high enough toshow his abs. You didn't dare look or you knew your face would betray you.

You were working on the chemistry homework, the one he was waiting on oyu to finish so you could help him understand it Though you were beginning to think he understood and just liked hearing your voice.

"C'mere, sweets." He hummed lowly, his hand reaching out to graze yor arm, goosebumps landing across your skin.

You looked up, seeing his eyes soft. Sighing, you put the pencil down, supressing the soft smile on your face.

So you got up, sitting yourself on the edge of the bed, feeling the dip as he sat up.

"Look at me." He murmured, turning your head to face him, the proximity becoming overwhelming. His face was close enough to feel his hot breath on your skin, eyes, traveling over his features, taking it all in.

His hand held your chin, thumb tracing your bottom lip. Your eyes locked onto his, though his were watching your mouth before meeting yours.

"Can I kiss you?"

You swallowed, cheeks hot. But you nodded just barely.

"Words, pretty."

"Please..." Your voice quiet, nervousness seeping out of you.

His lips met yours, gentle, soft. Your eyes fluttered shut, attempting to patch his pace whilst fumbling, the connection feeling like electricity through your bones. You let out the softest hum, Tojis hands moving to cup the back of your head, his velvety lips melting within yours, his tongue slipping in, exploring as if it were to memorize ever part of your mouth.

Your hands rested on his chest, the firmness sent a warmth through you, though you were too focused on his taste to care. It was like heaven, something you dreamed of, something that always felt beyond your reach.

He pulled back, looking at you, slightly panting, eyes softer than you'd expect. They weren't hungry, rather satisfied.

His hand combed through your hair, moving to brush a thumb against your cheek, the gesture soft, almost intimate.

"Sweets..." He practically purred.

"Hm?" Your voice quiet, maybe from the dizziness the kiss left you with.

"Be mine?" He said quietly, his tone vulneruble, something you'd never expect from such a man.

You watched him, eyes analyzing ever feature.

"This isn't some prank right? Like, some joke with your frat?" You ask, your insecurities seeping out before you could stop them.

"Why would you ever even think that"

He looked at you, pulling back, brows pinched together.

'I-...I'm not that special. Not that pretty or funny or exciting. So... just don't want to get hurt...I've never done this stuff."

You looked away, embarassment flushing over you.

"Angel, I think you are beyond beautiful. I watched you, unable to tear my eyes away when I saw you smile, my heart punding when I would see you come into class. I'd talk to my friends about the pretty girl I wanted to ask out, all of them were shocked I was whipped for a girl I'd never even met. After seeing you for the first time, I stopped sleeping around because I could only think of you."

Tears welled, unable to stop them. You felt stupid, embarassed. Shameful even.

But instead of letting you wallow, he kissed you.

Not harsh, rather just gentle, reassuring.

"Please....I've never wanted to commit as much as I do with you. I dream of your pretty face every night. Be my girl?"

You smiled, just barely.

"Ok."

His lips melted back into yours, pulling you into his arms, making you let out a laugh, smile breaking across your face.

"My pretty girl." He hummed, tucking your hair back. "All mine."

After a day, word spread. 'Ji couldn't keep his mouth shut about "his girl".

Your roomate cussed you out for going after a man who rejected her. But for the firt time, the words didn't hurt.

And you spent that night in Toji's room, in his arms, with a smile on your lips.

Because for the first time in your life, somebody want you. The real you.