TODIE IS A GOOD DAY

opening myself to the world, but it's not ready yet, it will never be

[citizen-zero]

So in lore, vampires have this trait that I’ve almost never seen used, and that’s the fact that vampires are OBSESSED with counting things. Like, the Count on Sesame Street was almost certainly created specifically as a vampire because of this piece of lore.

Like, I read this vampire book years and years ago that explained that a surefire way to protect yourself from vampires getting into your house was to spread a ton of seeds on your doorstep–poppy and mustard seeds were particularly recommended for the purpose. Basically, if you suspected someone to be a vampire, all you had to do was drop a sackful of seeds on the ground in front of them.

If they didn’t immediately start counting them, they were not a vampire. However, if they WERE a vampire, they’d be seized with the urge to count all the seeds and they would not budge from that spot until they knew how many seeds there were in total. The point was to keep them there until the sun came up and killed them, because if they hadn’t counted all the seeds by sunrise they wouldn’t be able to leave. Presumably you could just go about the rest of your evening as normal, though no word on whether it’s possible to make them lose count and start over.

Having remembered this piece of lore, I want fewer stories about brooding tortured Edward Cullen-esque vampires. I want to start seeing more stories about math nerd vampires.

Vampire accountants who are an honest company’s best asset and a corrupt company’s bane because they are frighteningly accurate with the accounts and will not hesitate to blow the whistle on a CEO scamming money because fuck you for making the numbers wrong.

Vampire cashiers that don’t need to look at the register screen because they already mentally calculated your total. 10-items-or-less vampires who know goddamn well you have 20 items in that basket and NO, you cannot just slip in with the rest.

Vampire math tutors who are constantly in high demand and have to hold lotteries to see who gets to be tutored by them.

MATH NERD VAMPIRES

[an-aura-about-you]

If anyone would like the term for this, it’s arithmomania.

[gosshiku-hime-wa-yami-san]

“But sir, he’s a vampire!!!” “Vampire or not, he’s the best damn accountant we have here, and i’d let him drink my blood before i fire him!”

[randomthingsthatilike1]

“still less of a leech than Matt in legal. Fuck matt”

[cappucino-commie]

Okay but also, vampires as drug dealers- a profession that requires extremely quick, extremely accurate counting. “You’re 5 dollars short.” “There’s 50,000 dollars in there at least, how the fuck did you count that fast-” “Pay up or I will drink you like a slurpee.”

[pencilias]

[gamma-dealer]

Somebody should drop a bunch of things in front of @dxmedstudent

[dxmedstudent]

Please don’t, I make enough bloody mess to clear up as it is. My cannulation has been quite sloppy this week, and I can get a bit carried away with my phlebotomy. I’ve also been told I’m a real natural at neck lines, though. Look, I might be able to always recall how many sharps there are in my tray or on my procedure table, but that’s something everyone does. Right?

[emmettmccartycullen]

Edward: *sticking Bella’s menstrual cup in the freezer* yummy, popsicles :)

[paperfruit-deactivated20200815]

one day you will have to answer to a god who will not be as merciful as us

[miraspirabilis]

If I had to read this with my own two eyes so do you

[h8sunshinebutiam]

It's 2019 and I still have not yet been answered why males can show their tits and it's okay but female presenting nipples are a blasphemy

[h8sunshinebutiam]

I dislike hard how y'all are pissed when someone writes LGBT character "wrong" in your personal opinion. And I'm not saying it like, bad writing; I'm saying it character wise. All while we're missing out on some great portrayals.

Gay villain with little to no redemption features? Personally would love to see that. A trans-man witch in a universe where only females have magic? Hell yeah. Merciless lesbian vigilante, who slays the bitches then takes that ass. A bi man getting thrown into the past, going on adventure to realise his true self and that he should not hold himself back if he really enjoys make-up or getting nails done, and that it does not make him any less manly.

It's all possible, because we're all equally people, you can have evil straight person, evil bi person, evil gay person, evil trans and that doesn't make it wrong at all, because sexuality is only a small part of you. And instead of looking for that in a character to judge them, look at them as a whole.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

[fanonical]

harry potter fans grab your ability to turn literally everything into an indepth essay

[h8sunshinebutiam]

Since, as of this day and age, I have read so many stories about underage characters travelling in time, it really made me thinking a lot... what if that was the exact reason why we have schools today being the way they are; to prevent travellers from being lost in epochs and help them merge with history. Now, at this point you might ask yourself "what this utter madness is", but in this essay I'm going to explain why it is reasonable to think schooling systems' existence is legitimately needed, why time travelling is happening around us every day and why government is covering everything up-

[scarletandhersides]

Random Couple Prompt #2:

*Valentine’s Day*

Person A: … what is this?

Person B: An onion.

Person A: … an.. onion.

Person B: Yep!

Person A: Why couldn’t you get me roses or something?

Person B: Because roses is the equivalent of a lot of money wilting, but you can eat an onion.

Person A:

[mapledre-deactivated20191006]

me

[h8sunshinebutiam]

the jevil fight

[tracing-rivers]

Me, at my character whom I created, whose dialogues I write, whose actions I decide, whose development and personality are completely under my control: Why are you such a bitch

[harpomarxs]

• Use the hand you write with.

• Make a fist with your thumb outside, not tucked inside. If it’s tucked inside your fist, when you punch someone, you might break your thumb. The thumb goes across your fingers, not on the side.

• Don’t be like in the movies—don’t aim for the face. Face punches don’t usually stop people, and you can miss when they duck their head or break your hand on their jaw. If you want to get away quickly, or end a fight, aim for the chest, or the ribs. If you really want to do some damage, e.g., you’re being attacked, aim for the throat, which will make it hard for your attacker to breathe for a hot minute.

• When you punch, you want to aim and hit with your first two knuckles. Not the flats of your fingers, and not your ring or pinky knuckles, which can break more easily. You can use your weight, if you’re on your feet, to add wallop, and spring into a punch with your feet and torso.

[asinheavenasinhell-deactivated2]

Useful information, esp. if you haven’t taken self defense.

[fatallyblonde]

I reblogged this once before to add this and I’ll do it again…

keep your wrist straight.

You can also risk breaking your wrist if you allow it to bend.  I actually can’t believe this isn’t in there.

[fullofbeansandspunk]

Other good pointers:

if your attacker is male, go for his junk - especially if he’s wearing loose pants. There’s no sportsmanship when it comes to assault so fuck them balls UP

punching pretty much ANYWHERE in the face is going to actually hurt you a LOT (just think - you’re punching your bones into their bones and ow). If you’re going for the face, my suggestion is to strick upwards with your palm.

see that meaty portion highlighted in red? There’s a lot of muscle and fat right there which makes it excellent for striking. Hold your hand as shown and aim for the nose or chin (though I’ve been told in extreme circumstances, doing this to the nose can be fatal but I’ve never really heard if this is true or not) and just aim upwards

other delicate areas: 

the shin (hurts like a bitch if you kick it right - also, you can hit this spot if you’re being held in a choke-hold and if your attacker has to move in order to stop you from kicking him, he’ll have to angle his body so as to expose his stomach and crotch to the wild spastic jabbings of your elbows)

the solar plexus (either jab while holding your hand in a sort of spear position or use your elbows - unless you’re super strong, your punch probably won’t wind your attacker. Your elbow or a spear hand will, however)

Originally in (most) martial arts, you hit the solar plexus because it supposedly contained an important chakra. Now we know that it actually also contains like a bunch of necessary organs that are exposed just below your ribs and is also (roughly) where your diaphragm lives so getting punched there is not pleasant.

the clavicle (from experience, getting hit in your clavicle HURTS LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER. If you strike downwards with your knuckles, the person might just cry. Like I did.)

the ear (this is probably the best place to punch besides the throat. It’s all cartilage so it probably won’t hurt you all that much and most people will be like “DUDE YOU PUNCHED ME IN THE EAR WHAT THE HELL”)

the kidneys (this is harder to hit without training but if you somehow get your attacker’s back to face you, try to hit’em in the kidneys. Again, from experience, this FUCKING HURTS. You can’t really hit the kidneys from the front with any effect but from the back it is super painful)

if you’re held in a choke-hold, try turning your head so the forearm isn’t pressed into your throat. If you can position yourself right, you can sort of force your chin into the crook of the elbow, making you able to still receive (limited) oxygen and provide time for you to kick some shins or elbow some spleens and shit

[nautilidi-deactivated20130605]

-Also, remember that a guy’s junk is not an off-button. Don’t think that you can rely on a swift kick to the balls to immediately incapacitate him in an emergency. Adrenaline and anger can keep somebody going for a long time even through extreme pain, and if you expect to end a fight with a single groin-attack you might be caught off-guard when he doesn’t drop. Certainly go for it if you get the chance, but keep hitting him until the fight is over.

-Draw blood if you can, especially if you can draw it from the face or the eyes. Blood in the eyes is not just a good way to impair your attacker’s vision, it’s also a really good way to freak them out and let them know that they might be getting more than they bargained for by picking a fight with you.

-Elbows and knees are really powerful weapons. Elbows are very sharp and very strong and if you are in close-range they are often more effective than trying to throw a punch. 

-Yelling and shouting makes you scary. 

[ramblinprose]

Nothing much to add to this, it’s pretty much all there. So. Reblog. Oh, also, it’s really easy to break a nose - go for the eyes too. All it takes to avoid a shot to the throat is tucking your chin. Also, that part about the ear - don’t punch. An open hand over the ear hurts a lot.

[theawesomeadventurer]

Tumblr teaching me how to fuck a bitch up

[smeliot-deactivated20220528]

Also if you fuck up their face it’ll be easier for police to identify the attacker.

If someone gets you from behind and you cant punch them, go for the underside of the upper-arm. A bad pinch there is legit so painful because that skin is super sensitive. Also this cant be stressed enough, if the attacker is a guy then fucking rip his junk off.

[milkfond]

When throwing a punch:

[dynamic-ideation]

reblog to save a fuckin life

[someprickontheinternet-blog]

Always reblog

[viostormcaller]

Writing a fight scene so this is very very useful right now

[the-lonely-angel]

Thinking of taking self defense so this might be useful

[h8sunshinebutiam]

Me, taking my phone off the heater, rushing to the charger: well cooked indeed

[vainvaihe]

things got a little heated in the gc today

[gallusrostromegalus]

International Differences that turn into screaming matches of misdirected fury is one of my favorite genres of humor

[zillyblog]

[darklordherself]

🖤

[nonbinarynino-deactivated202210]

i love tumblr because i can pretend to be a dumbass so that when i actually am a dumbass people think im kidding

[h8sunshinebutiam]

let me fix that sentence:

i love tumblr because i can pretend

[nonbinarynino-deactivated202210]

what

[h8sunshinebutiam]

what

[h8sunshinebutiam]

on the merry road to madness

[chekhov]

[wildeismsremade-deactivated2019]

[broitsablog]

@indigopersei is the french language just always on the verge of getting someone accused of assault or..?

[dammitperseus]

my friend, if only you knew

[randomfandomteacher]

It’s a very dangerous language to learn

[party-bees-deactivated20181211]

Here’s an interesting thing about French! Everything needs to have an article in front of it. That’s why it’s “la chat” as opposed to just “chat”. So, for instance, you could say la fille for the girl, or jeune fille for young girl, but you can’t just say fille, because that means you are calling her a sex worker in a derogatory way.

The moral of the story is, if you want to make something rude in French, just take out the article in front of it. Yes, this works for nearly. every. word.

[wine-dark-sea]

#now I’m wondering how often my high school french teacher was silently screaming because of this little fact

Every year. Every year there’s that kid who forgets that you can’t translate “I am excited” to “Je suis excitée”. And every year Monsieur Jordan has to slam the brakes before that kid can finish his sentence and then tactfully ask him not to announce to the class that he is horny.

[shamwowxl]

“is the french language always on the verge” oh buddy, oh pal, i am so happy to break this news to you: 

[super-metroid]

truly the language of love

[nonbinarynino-deactivated202210]

i love tumblr because i can pretend to be a dumbass so that when i actually am a dumbass people think im kidding

[h8sunshinebutiam]

let me fix that sentence:

i love tumblr because i can pretend

[h8sunshinebutiam]

you don't know what being a psychopath means until you're laying naked in your bed wondering about sitting on a dinner plate filled with sauce and how would it feel to your buttcheeks