trying to get better

However, I seem to keep failing.. BPD, eating disorder, self harm last cut: 3. October 2017, depressive, lost and lonly in this world, heartbroken, yet, always in love.. Jekyll&Hide, suicidal since day one, 22, female, polyamorous, shamanic, Switzerland

[heaven-1415]

Just so you fucking know, in my eyes:

You're NOTHING special just bc I fell for you... I fall for ppl all the time. Get used to it!

However, you're the most extraordinary person if you make our relationship work even though I fell for you!

[heaven-1415]

Sometimes, I wish ppl new my blog, new my true self, knew it without being scared of me. I don't want to hurt you! I wouldn't want anyone to feel the way I do.

And trust me, if I ever do hurt you, I'm at a point where I just can't stand the pain anymore.

Pain you never had to feel the way I do.

[heaven-1415]

Tbh, I'm tired of feeling every emotion so intensively.

One storm to pass just so the next can break.

It's not getting easier and just because I got used to feel pain doesn't mean that it becomes less painful.

One breakdown to follow the next.

And I'm watching myself,

being torn apart by emotions,

over and over again,

faster than I can heal,

stronger than I can stand

and I'm just sitting here, wondering:

will it ever end?

[heaven-1415]

"Schmetterlinge im Bauch; doch schneiden ihre rasierklingenscharfen Flügel mein Herz in tausend Teile."

- ein gebrochenes Mädchen

[heaven-1415]

"I want you to break me...

First my skin.

Second my eardrum.

Next my bones.

Then my heart.

And last but not least my will to live!"

- I'm begging you, please!

[heaven-1415]

"Will at least one of my fps ever be able to love me back?"

- my fucked up, lonely, desperate bpd ass

[heaven-1415]

Seriously...

If you tell so right from the beginning that you're not sexually interested, you're the arrogant bitch assuming everyone wants to sleep with you...

If you don't tell them from the very beginning and show a normal, friendly amount of attention and interest in themselves and their lifes they likely think you're into them and try to lay you... And if you tell them at this point, it gets all awkward bc it's even possible that the only reason they even spent time with you was bc they thought they can lay you...

Agh, pleeeeeaaaaase, can we just all be honest right from the beginning? No lies, no games, no illusions, no unnecessary heartbreaks..

If all you want is to lay so, tell them and if they want to, fine, if they don't, fine as well...

Just stop playing with hearts as if they were toys!

[heaven-1415]

Him: I want to get to know your personality!

My first thought: Haha you wanted to say my personality disorder! No way you won't notice this little bitch... ^^'

My second thought: Which one? xp

My third thought: I'll create one just for you! :*

Me, sweating and stressed, trying not to freak him out right away, actually answering: Haha, no worries about that. You certainly will! :)

[heaven-1415]

"Nothing, not even drugs, make me as happy as you do."

- me, missing him

[heaven-1415]

Exactly 6 years and around 10 kg/22lbs apart.

I went from 43kg/95lbs up to 70kg/154lbs during my exchange in 2015, almost doubled myself...

Today, I don't know my exact weight, sth around 55kg/121lbs.

I still miss my anorexic body, how only my knees touched by walking and not my legs, my tiny waist, my elegant and long looking legs, especially in high heels, my gorgeous collarbones, my dainty hands, even my eating habits, and much more...

It was a long way to get to the point, where I'm now. It took 6 years of self hatred, of struggling with eating, cannabis, alcohol, guys, cigarettes and self harm. I tried to get back to starving, tried to get below 50kg/110lbs again, however, I never did, mostly because of smoking 🍁... And I felt like the worst failure ever!

However, Ana taught me healthy eating habits, I'm not even craving unhealthy, fatty, sugary high-calorie, convenience foods anymore, discipline, patience and the necessity of sport.

And after 6 whole years, today I can finally say, that I'm as happy and confident with my body, as I used to be. Sure, not every day, especially after binges, but back then, I hated myself even more after "failing" (=eating).

I didn't just gain weight, but joie de vivre, the abilities to do the sport I really like, which even makes my body sporty and strong, gives me self confidence and teaches me elegance. I gained the ability to score good grades, to focus, to be fit and strong enough for life, to go out, to enjoy super healthy food with friends, to focus on things I really like instead of food.

Sure, even today, I still cope with (not) eating, alcohol, drugs, studying, sports and self harm, I probably always will, just as I might forever feel the yearning for freedom in death...

However, it's a balanced struggle, so that non of these behaviors turn into an addiction that controls my life!

I'm 22 years old and trust me, I didn't believe I'll make it that far, and life certainly didn't get easier, but we grow with our challenges, learn and get stronger, even if it takes lots of time!

I believe in you guys, stay strong, take care and forgive yourselves!🌹♥️🌹

[heaven-1415]

Moms with EDs

Having an ed and having a mom with an ed is sooo frustrating, annoying, exhausting and counterproductive for recovery.

She calls us greedy and piggy for needing and eating even just 1500 cal a day.

Half a banana/ a diet drink/ half an apple, tree almonds and 30g cheese is a full meal to her.

Therefore, she won't cook for us properly, healthy and enough.

When we cook, she refuses to take her own plate but then she's eating from my dad's.

At restaurants, she's complaining about the size of a regular meal, not eating more than half of her plate, saying: "It's waay too much for one person. No one can eat so much..."

How am I supposed to feel good about eating, and recovering from anorexia with such a mom?!?

The only comforting aspects:

At the end of the day, she binges on half a pack Christmas cookies or other sweets, just to be complaining the next day about feeling shitty, nauseated and gaining weight. That's the result of starving if it doesn't kill you!

As a result of her eating habits, she ruined her metabolism during the last 10 years, and therefore has always been and will always be overweight.

I never want to end up like this, like her... AND I DON'T WANT MY KIDS (if I ever get any haha) TO END UP LIKE ME... TO GET AN ED THEMSELVES, TO WORRY ABOUT BEING FAT AT AGE 11, ABOUT EATING BREAD BC "IT'S UNHEALTHY AND MAKES YOU FAT" AND TO STARVE THEMSELVES DOWN TO A BMI OF 15!

Therefore I have to learn to eat healthy, enough, to work out and to let go of the constant stress and fear of the number on the scale.. As long as I'm fine with my reflection, it's ok.

[heaven-1415]

"I won't leave you! No matter what you're going to do to and with me.. No matter how badly you're treating me.. In the end, I even beg that this relationship will cost my life. The worse you treat me, the sooner I will die. At the latest, when you'll leave me once and for all, I may finally commit suicide. I'm yours, now and forever. As long as you need me, no matter my pain, I live for you. I breathe for you. I strive for perfection for you. And eventually, I'll die for you!"

- confession of a borderliner in love

[heaven-1415]

"Just for once, I want to be loved the way I love you..."

- I whispered with tears in my eyes, fear in my voice and despair in my heart.

[heaven-1415]

Mood

When you're already over you cal limit / binging, and bc you hate yourself so much and want to punish and harm yourself for it, feeling like you fat piece of shit don't even deserve to be skinny, so, as a punishment, you keep eating until you physically can't eat one more bite, can't even move anymore, until your stomach feels like it's gonna explode any moment, (which it could and might even kill you), suffering and avoiding food for the next few days, which you spend in shame and self-hatred, wishing you would have never even started eating.

[heaven-1415]

Every time I

wait on the track

drive a car

cross a bridge

cross streets

stand in front of an abyss

shave my legs

take drugs/medicine

realize that no one's never gonna love me the way I love them

I think about committing suicide.

I just can't help it, no matter how "happy" I am.

[heaven-1415]

I wish I could tell you how much you upset me sometimes, how much you mean to me, how much I love you, how much I miss you, how much I need you...

But then I remember that expressing my feelings, bc even though they're valid, they're not appropriate...

Yes, you make me feel suicidal, just as you make me the happiest girl on earth.

Yes, you are my reason to live, just as I hope that one day, this relationship will cost my life.

Yes, I love you more than anything else, more than my own life, just as I deeply hate you for everything you do to me.

But what are you even doing?

The answer is: NOTHING!

And therefore, I can't show you my feelings. I feel weak for loving you so strongly, and silly for hating you.

Without a legitimate reason to actually feel and express feelings, I won't do it. And tbh, what's a legit reason to feel suicidal bc of some stranger who's just living and enjoying his own life, even if this stranger is my whole world?

After all, you're treating me with respect and honesty, are the reason why I quit smoking. You freed me from my addictions. You make me happy every day. You are my motivation to be the best version of myself.

Yes, I fear that you'd leave me, if I didn't strive for perfection. However, that's not a reason to make you responsible for me and my life.

[heaven-1415]

"Being me is so fucking extremely exhausting... When may I finally quit?"

- me