birthday boy
it's not his birthday anymore but i think this really shows how i feel about him. happy not your birthday boy
occasionally subtle
trying on a metaphor

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@hellerjackline
birthday boy
it's not his birthday anymore but i think this really shows how i feel about him. happy not your birthday boy
let's go hunting with mama
7x03 // 14x16
Your music? Dad's. Do you even have an original thought?
something about the first handprint being seared onto deanās skin, hidden by layers of clothes unseen, questioning vs the bloody handprint being on his jacket, for all to see, answering
the funny thing about the ādid dean reciprocateā debate is that up until the confession itself, dean acts much more like the one who is in love. itās blatant. it borders on embarrassing. heās clearly very aware of it and trying to show/say it but falling short every time due to internal or external circumstances. ādid he reciprocateā ??? and itās somewhere between eight and eleven years of āi need youā and āim not leaving without youā and āwhatever you did i forgive you and we can get through it togetherā and āi donāt want to live without you, iād rather be dead ā and āwhen youāre gone all i do is search for a way to bring you back to meā and ādeep down a part of me always knew you would come back because youāre the only thing in the world i have faith inā like be so serious
[cas voice] dean you have aged so gracefully and beautifully, unfortunately i cannot say the same for sam.
x
Sam finds out that the serial killer behind his favorite unsolved case from idk 1920s was actually Rowena and almost passes out from all his blood going to his dick.
it is with a heavy heart that i must announce that i could fix her (jack in the box)
so jack in the box, as it is. at least, the jack and heaven bit. is dedicated to retreading meet the new boss for no particular reason.
like the thing about meet the new boss is that do i think it's well thought out as a cas character study? no. but it *is* a cas character study. the things cas does in it make sense for a certain reason. jack in the box does make sense for a jack character study but only insofar as jack is easy to manipulate and will follow orders happily.
and like. the reason cas behaves the way he does on earth in meet the new boss is because he wants love and worship. from everyone. heaven does not generally care about what humans do and believe. they're cattle to heaven. nothing but souls to consume. who cares what they do.
so there's no reason for dumah to have jack turn that guy to salt or whatever. the thing that dumah really wants is for jack to make new angels. there's no reason for jack or dumah to care about people's relationship to christianity.
on the other hand, here's what's been happening. for the entire time jack's alive. he's been raised and taught by people who believe it is their life mission to enact violence on criminals and outsiders. and in fact just recently, jack was offered a solution to not having a soul - wwwd. what would the winchesters do.
and in fact, there have been problems that resulted from this before. with jack. the security guard jack kills in 13x06. the convenience store clerk he strangles in 13x23. the way he kills nick in 14x17.
jack kills the security guard because he's in poor control of his powers, and the winchesters chose to put him in a violent situation, so he accidentally killed someone.
he strangles that convenience store clerk because he's learns from being with the winchesters that violence and torturing people is the correct way to solve problems, he just directs this violence against the wrong target.
he tortures nick to death for the same reasons as aforementioned, and this time he even had the right target. he just didn't know that the winchesters decided that torture was bad this week.
additionally, the other problem is that all of these targets are human. which means that any random violence against them is not inherently justified (cf. dean's killing spree in 10x09). while the winchesters don't tend to have a huge problem with killing random humans, they tend to at least put up token objections.
what dumah really wants, given the population shortage angels have been talking about for multiple seasons, is for jack to make new angels. what she does before that is mostly an attempt to gain his trust.
the way to do that is, well, to ask, like donatello in 14x15, what would the winchesters do.
in fact, in the canon jack in the box, dumah does tell jack that the winchesters will approve of what he's doing. all you have to do is tug on that thread.
the thing dumah should have jack doing is mass killings of monsters, and perhaps human criminals. that is in theory something that the winchesters would approve of. but jack being too indiscriminate about it, or simply taking what they see as their place (remember in 14x18 when dean was pissed off that jack was helping them too much?), would cause them to turn against him in a way he wouldn't necessarily understand.
that's how you do the meet the new boss section of jack in the box.
cas who abandoned heaven, cas who knows "paradise" is not all it's cracked up to be, cas who--as part of team free will--understands that what they're fighting for is freedom, freedom to choose! not simply the empty promise of "paradise", suddenly deciding that no, actually, this magic baby NEEDS to be born because it will bring paradise on earth<3 (after being staunchly on team "abomination baby needs to die") IS very much sus and people should have been concerned by this sudden shift and it's Not unreasonable to be skeptical or assume some kind of brainwashing. like dean was acting very reasonable and logical and had every right to be suspicious of jack and his intentions because from where he's standing he just saw his best friend do a complete 180 on everything he stands for and believes in after an immensely supernatural being (with powers to rivial god's) just made contact with him. everything abt dean's attitude and wariness toward jack in s12 and the very beginning of s13 is a totally reasonable response, not even counting in the added grief he experiences in early s13 after losing cas, mary, and crowley. i think any rational person would be a little skeptical and untrusting in his same situation. extremely powerful supernatural being whose intentions are unknown and there is no way to stop said being if they turn out to be malicious? and they just seemingly changed your best friend's mind with just a touch? yeah i'd have my guard up!
all of this also reveals some juicy things about cas. because if it wasn't (at the very least some low-level) brainwashing, then that means, cas sees a vision of a hypothetical future where he's with dean (cas shirtless, dean looking up, "thank you" etc etc) and he's ready to abandon his beliefs about heaven and paradise to ensure that future comes to pass.
anyways, dean was not wrong to be sus of jack at the start. cas suddenly being pro heaven-on-earth-paradise is very juicy-slash-concerning depending on how one interprets the "brainwashing", and lastly, happily-ever-after-heaven has never been the end goal for team free will. they wanted freedom! they wanted to live!
i miss s5 cas he was so bitchy and intense and badass and autistic. he never blinked and he talked to dean from 3 inches away and he was rebelling against heaven and he branded enochian on his friends ribs and he found a liquor store and he drank it and he absolutely wrecked shop in knife fights and he carved banishing sigils into his own chest and he called raphael his bitch and he ate a million cheeseburgers and he never understood references and i love him so so so much <3
I've said this before but I'm saying it again. I think some of the "repressed gay/bi Dean" trutherism comes from things like "Your heart's desire is cloaked in shame." Except that's such a huge misinterpretation because it's Amara saying it. She spends all of s11 being a creepy rapist with Dean. And the Mark compels him to feel that too. There are "sensations" being "aroused" for both of them, and she forces it on him. She literally says, "I know you want to resist, but I cannot be resisted." Literally forces a kiss on him. Flirts with him even when she's a teen (Lilith like). Etc.
Like. That's why his desire is cloaked in shame. It's not consensual. And it's invasive as hell. And he feels a deep shame about it because she's the big Bad they have to take down, the one who's hurting humans so much, the one who's their responsibility to put away. And he doesn't feel like he CAN. And he feels so much shame and guilt and doubt about it. Even Sam gets that. Sam doesn't tell Dean, "Hey, it's ok to desire these things." He specifically says that Dean doesn't have a choice in this and that it's okay to feel overpowered. Because that's what's happening to Dean.
Even if you want to look at subtextual interpretations, I think a queer lens really doesn't fit in this specific analogy. (I could say he feels shame about loving Cas for non-sexuality related reasons, but even that doesn't feel true. Atp, Dean knows he's in love. He's known for several seasons. And he's very much ok with it).
To put Amara in context, Dean spent all of s8 in Purgatory. Immediately followed by Abaddon's rapey threat. And Crowley and Cain's equally objectifying manipulations. He ended up taking the Mark and losing his autonomy as well as having his soul corrupted. "He can't be that thing again." The Mark isn't something that brings out one's worst parts or anything like that. It literally corrupts you from the inside. Your mind, your soul, your free will. It takes you over until you're nothing but a slave to the Mark. And he was so spun out about all this he tried to kill himself in the s10 finale. And Amara's release follows that immediately. It's been three continuous seasons of Dean being stripped of his Self.
Amara is the most powerful enemy to do this yet. And it sucks! He can't even rely on himself to defend his loved ones or the Earth or even himself. It affects him so much he jumps at the opportunity to do any self sacrificial and suicidal mission on and off through the season. His mission to get the Hand of God is also about wrestling back some form of control for himself. And he has to be the bait/sexual bait/soul bomb for Amara more than once too.
There's many fun queer analogies on spn. I just think that narratives about rape and sexual traumas and lack of autonomy need not be our first reach for queer lens viewings uk. For obvious reasons.
And having headcanons about Dean being repressed or whatever is fine (I don't agree that it's canon but uk it's fine). My specific issue is also with how such a queer fandom still manages to be so spectacularly condescending to a queer character's arc. It just gets me wincing.
Heās been dead for 8 seasons but the hate everyone has for John Winchester is still burning strong
13 years later, weāre still hating on him. 21 years dead and he hasnāt gotten any more popular
ātheyāre just looking at each otherā you could not begin to understand the complexities involved in looking at each other
instead of rehashing tired ādean abuses sam all the time bc sam didnāt even flinch that one time dean punched him in s2ā or whatever i think it would be much more interesting if the fandom talked about how violence was normalized in the winchester family to the point that neither dean nor sam blink at being physically pushed around. and this isnāt to say i think john was knocking their block every day (he wasnāt), but that john got a little too comfy dragging minors to seedy motels and on dangerous hunts. of course sam and dean donāt flinch at being punched, theyāve had their shit rocked weekly by whatever monster they happen to be involved with hunting and using a moment of high strung grief fueled anger to prove that dean was totally abusive is no better character analysis than using demon blood sam choking dean out to prove that he was also totally abusive
another thing that's weird to me is that people think dean hates the angels because they divide cas's loyalty to him. yeah sure it definitely has nothing to do with the angel eugenics program and the meddling in his life and the trying to kill him and the trying to force him to be a good little soldier and theā
#wow i hate my boy bestie's controlling abusive family who've harmed me & my fam for trying to get his attention and for no other reason (via @mybrainproblems)
truly it couldn't possibly have anything to do with the fact that Cas's family did eugenics to breed Dean's family for generations for the express purpose of nuking the entire planet, or the fact that when that didn't work they tried to do it again, or the fact that they constantly keep trying to kill him and people he cares about, or the fact that they brutally tortured and brainwashed Cas multiple times, or theā
#the angels are toxic and their official political policy for like the entirety of s4-6 is ''what if we just end all life on earth?''#frankly Dean is way more chill with the other non-Cas angels than I would be (via @ilarual)
we don't talk about soulless sam enough like how did that even happen???? castiel explain!!!!!!
cas seeing sam's empty body as he hauled him out of the cage: hm, getting a weird vibe from sam š but then again i always get a weird vibe from sam