We meet up every ten years, swap cave stories.

They/them If you know me irl no you don’t

[konoko]

[sadclowncentral]

so many misguided metaphors around violence and desire. if the open maw of a panting beast fills you with the want to be devoured, that does not make you prey. while the rabbit trembles in fear, its deepest desire is to run. evolution demands it. in fact, the desire to be eaten does not make you any small animal at all.

it makes you a fruit.

[sumverendus]

[sandpancakecat]

[willelmikes]

shows where every character is lowkey a terrible person

[the-haiku-bot]

shows where every

character is lowkey a

terrible person

Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.

[ooppo]

I wish humans had monkey tails (most likely tail we'd have ngl) because it would be so cute. There's an alternate world out there where people are dying their tails and buzzing patterns into them and getting tail accessories and tail piercings. God could you imagine

[ooppo]

Does anyone else understand

[oldbutchdanielmolloy]

i appreciate that my local bodega is taking action in the smoking dogs epidemic

[hobbular]

[pocket-deer-belly]

sometimes it's less like there's masculine and feminine things and gender neutral things, it's more like. there's gendered things and there's ungendered things. masculine things are ungendered feminine things are gendered. masculinity is the default and femininity is the abberation, the Gendered Experience. pants are for everyone skirts are for girls. suits are for everyone dresses are for women. you know

[coleslaw-frosting]

I love Binface so much.

[curioscurio]

I have a confession to make... I thought the idea of wireless headphones like air pods were so so stupid when they first came out. But having owned wireless headphone pods with a case I have to admit that I do enjoy them quite a lot. But we should still eat the spleen of every person who lobbied to phase out the headphone jack in electronics

[mariasklodowskastwixbar]

Wireless headphones: great, can move around without having to drag my phone or laptop with me, chord doesn't get caught on doorknobs anymore

No headphone jack in my phone: terrible, awful, everyone involved should get hit with a hammer

[honourablejester]

I am deeply offended by this! I was reading thoughts on what D&D classes the characters of The Mummy (1999) would be, and there was a comment that Jonathan was obviously a rogue, but either a badly built one or one with shit dice rolls. And! Excuse you? Jonathan is a perfectly acceptable rogue! He rolls fine when he’s actually attempting to do something!

In the first movie alone, some of his greatest hits:

Successfully pickpocketed Rick on their first meeting, without Rick so much as joining the dots until later.

Survives a pitched battle on a burning ship without a scratch, and somehow gets the key from a burning hook-handed enemy mook in the process. (“And did I panic? I think not!”)

Survives a pitched battle in the Hamunaptra ruins while drunk, through liberal use of cover and picking off targets at range.

Rolls a Nat 20 on his deception check to avoid being massacred by a large group of hynotised enemies in the museum.

Survives the final pitched battle with the undead (again, through liberal use of cover, hiding and running).

Successfully makes his intelligence roll to translate the Book of Amun Ra (with the Help action from Evie).

Successfully uses the resulting control over the undead mooks to even out the battlefield, including the genius brain move of sending them after Ankh-Su-Namun to both save Evie and distract Imhotep.

Successfully pickpockets a lich while being strangled by him to regain the key and enable Evie to use the book to banish Imhotep altogether.

Yes, he’s fairly flimsy in direct battle, and if at all possible refuses to get to melee range with anybody. So he’s a ranged rogue, and has a tendency to use the environment to his advantage. But he’s clearly designed around Sleight of Hand, Charisma, and a decent sprinkling of Intelligence, and prefers to use object interactions and battlefield control to even out his odds. For all that, though, he fully will stay in melee range if he has no other choice, and take the opportunity to pickpocket the BBEG while he’s at it.

He's a perfectly serviceable rogue, he’s just not optimised for straight combat. And even there, as the second movie shows, he’s excellent at ranged combat. He just doesn’t like getting up close and personal.

[honourablejester]

Actually, going back and rewatching that final battle again ... I don't think that Jonathan stayed in range of Imhotep because he had no choice. He stayed in range specifically to pickpocket him.

I didn't realise before, but this whole battle starts with Evie telling Jonathan that the only way to kill Imhotep is to open the book and read the spell to banish him. Jonathan says it's locked, they need the key, and Evie then tells him it's in Imhotep's robes.

When Jonathan sends the priest mummies after Ankh-Su-Namun with the spell on the cover (saving both Rick and Evie in the process), Imhotep is coming right for him. However, Imhotep is then briefly disabled by watching the brutal murder of his lover all over again, and Jonathan ... could have run. There's a beat there where Imhotep is completely focused on something else, and Jonathan absolutely has the presence of mind to use that, but he doesn't. Imhotep, now incensed that Jonathan has murdered his lover, promptly spins back around and goes to murder him back, and is only stopped because Rick returns the favour from earlier and saves him.

At which point a lightly-strangled Jonathan stands back up and tells Evie he got the key.

He fucking stayed put on purpose because he knew they needed the key, that Imhotep had the key, and that he was the only person who could fucking pickpocket the BBEG mid-strangulation and get away with it, so long as someone could swoop in before the undead wizard actually killed him. Imhotep is immortal and immune to damage if they don't do something about that. This is a fight of attrition they cannot win. And his sister told him what they needed to stop it, so Jonathan went and got it.

He cheerfully calls himself a coward, and then he goes and fatally pisses off a lich as a distraction, and then stands still to be murdered for it in order to get close enough to pickpocket the immortal pissed off undead. It wasn't that he took the opportunity while being strangled, he set up being strangled in order to have the opportunity.

Say whatever the hell you like about that man, but he has never once failed to do something his family actually needed him to do.

[tenleaguesbeneath]

Given the movie's release date, it's not that he's a 5e rogue but not one optimized for melee combat, he's a 2nd-edition thief.

[feyburner]

Man at my job just told me to “hold your little horsies just a little longer ☺️” about the task I’ve been waiting for him to complete or at the very least update me on for six weeks. Brendan, I will fuck your adult son. You’re gonna start seeing me at family Christmas. Horsies in tow.

[human-pet-they]

texting everyone in my friends list “see what happens when you disobey me?” when the eclipse starts

[guerrillatech]

[kedreeva]

if you, like me, are hesitant to enjoy what kinda sounds like "relaxes food standards" on the surface, I'm happy to report that this isn't "everyone can do what they want with your food supply without oversight" but rather a case where in NYC you had to have a permit to sell food and a second, superfluous permit to sell frozen desserts. This action simply removes the need for the second permit, rolling it into the first permit in order to help small businesses. Yay!

[iiryebreadii]

tragic: tumblr user develops new obsession(s) with media that none of their mutuals know or care about

[solarpire]

Point of view of the exotic pet (part 1) (the rest in reblogs)

[solarpire]

Point of view of the exotic pet (part 2)

[solarpire]

Point of view of the exotic pet (part 3)

[solarpire]

Point of view of the exotic pet (part 4 - final)

[json-derulo]

it pains me to say it but the more people talk shit about the women who wear those shorts/leggings with the weird butt seam that looks like it gives you a terminal wedgie, the more compelled I feel to take the women’s side

[json-derulo]

ohhhhhh my godddddddd you saw someone wearing really tight revealing pants in public? should we throw a party? should we invite goody proctor

[json-derulo]

and while we’re at it, I’m done worrying about cameltoe. I don’t have time to be pulling and tugging at my clothes all day. if you can see the outline of my pussy you should say thank you and go about your business

[json-derulo]

SAME WITH NIPPLES!!!!

[json-derulo]

[cipheramnesia]

The first time I saw a post making fun of them was the first time I learned about them and I bought a pair on the spot cuz my ass is hot af.

[cipheramnesia]

Thank you everyone for your support, they make lovely bike shorts for when I'm in a skirt or a dress and my partners claim the added butt bumpin' effect is even more of a good thing.

[thenextdraft]

Heaven on Earth

[sugary-sheep]

I don't think anyone can say they had a truly healthy childhood. I feel like there's a baseline level of trauma that comes with the fact that you're the legal property of someone else for your most vulnerable years, no matter how great your parents are, and this only gets exponentially worse for every degree away from perfect experts with principled objections to normative child abuse your parents are.