Being trans does not change your life experiences.
A trans man- especially one who transitioned later- have experiences that can be the same as every other Afab persons.
It is not transphobic to acknowledge that.
It is not transphobic to admit that I am much more comfortable around trans men then I am cis men. Not because ‘they aren’t real men’ but because they share a similar experience of growing up Afab as I do.
They often had the same comments made when they were children.
We were taught to be aware of men in public.
Taught to be safe.
Taught how to minimise their chance of being raped when out.
Taught to never leave your drink unattended.
Trans men don’t need to be educated on why someone who looks femme might be wary around them.
They know why.
The same goes for trans women- they have life experience that differs from someone who is afab.
It does not make them any less women- it just means their story is different.
I’m non binary. I present as femme- because even as an adult and parent, I still can’t find stable housing. I live with family.
Family who are transphobic. Family who ‘don’t get’ how someone could be attracted to the same gender- or not attracted to anyone. Family who make a joke out of people like me. Family who I am not safe to me out around.
I’m non binary- and waiting until my child is 18 and an adult, before I find my home.
It can’t be here.
I left home at 17 because I was feeling such self loathing at myself for existing. After all- I was a good church girl.
There was no way I could pray away not feeling right on my body. It was the early 00’s, in rural Australia.
I had no words for what I was. Knew I wasn’t a woman. Definitely knew I wasn’t a man. Likes fucking- but had zero actual attraction to people.
I can understand not using someone’s dead name. I’m known by my birth name but feel that jarring disconnect because it isn’t me. The same disconnect I feel every time I am misgendered.
Acknowledging who I am does not mean I haven’t lived. It doesn’t make my entire past disappear. It won’t take away the C-PTSD, it doesn’t take away the CSA and SA in adulthood. Just like any other trans person- my past exists.
It’s ok to not want to disrespect your trans friends- but refusing to acknowledge they had a childhood that contained different experiences then cis gendered people- is also erasing them.
It’s erasing us.
I’m trans. I’m non binary- maybe a gender or gender fluid (I’m not too hung up on the exacts).
I grew up in an Afab body. I have dealt with health issues since childhood because of my Afab body. I birthed a child.
I am not the only trans person to have had these experiences. I have friends who are seahorse dads.
And know what? We talk. We talk about our experiences. Talk about what it feels like. What it was like. We talk about health issues and why it’s important that these things are spoken about.
Trans people are denied or unable to get care far too often because of self shame, of dysphoria or because medical professionals refuse to treat them.
Let’s not remove the trans from trans men and trans women.
Let’s not ignore that our experiences? Exist. They aren’t erased because we transition, or change our name.
Let’s not label it transphobia to say ‘yes, I acknowledge you are a man, but I also acknowledge you have had experiences that are similar enough to mine I feel safe’.
Because yes. As someone who has been groomed, sexually assaulted, drugged in public and raped both as a child and an adult- I am going to feel safer with a trans man. Not because they aren’t a man- but because I don’t have to explain that it isn’t every man, but it could be any man. Because it is the trans men who don’t tend to crowd, or grope and who don’t make the experience of being out on public miserable.
I honestly wonder how many people will read this and understand what I mean.
The tl;dr? Trans people deserve to have their entire lives acknowledged, not just their life after they socially or medically transition. Not deadnaming- but to acknowledge their experiences and their life.
We don’t all spring fully formed from the sea, after all.
