Ddembe

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Ms. Robot

Someone really hurt me today.

A boy.

I usually come here to write as it makes me feel lighter but today?

Mute. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sUJkCXE4sAA

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m(i)

I think that I am gay.

Well, bi.

I don’t know, I don’t understand yet but it’s very overwhelming.

https://open.spotify.com/track/5YgKH936kLB3ZMuMQf4nxG

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Tidying Up

Everyone wants complacency.

Everyone was complacency. 

“I hope you two are in a good place.” “I hope you’re friends again”

I don’t.

Ugh, it’s so tiring, I don’t want to be ‘good’ with this person, I don’t necessarily want to be on bad terms with them but I don’t need to settle and act like they did not hurt me or like they deserve my love at this point.

I can decide who it goes to, not to say they are horrible but you can’t force relationships.

Friendships.

hmm.

What about my joy?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tYVebHOrlZU

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For You: An Ode to Mac Miller

The 27 club. Today, Mac Miller would have been 27 and 3 days ago my brother was initiated membership. The 27 club is a curse that strike artists where they pass on at 27 years old, Jimi Hendrix, Kurt Cobain and Amy Winehouse are but a few founders of it. 

The notion of mortality has surrounded my life and surrounds this age with my brother, due to the nature of his health and the fact that it is a miracle he is alive, but also his friends that approach it and in different mediums, are in the same profession. The evident parallel is the cloud of depression that soared above them and continually does so throughout my life. Mac Miller’s ‘Swimming’ was a refuge to my soul at first listen as word by word, he described what I felt and could not understand; his voice felt like a sad hug and that is why his death hit me harder than normal for a person I had never met.

I did not know what Miller’s death held for my depression. I have never been suicidal and do not engage in destructive behaviour such as the drugs he indulged in that led to this place. However, it had me scared. This man that I related to so much, died from all the feelings we shared - and more, obviously, I did not mirror his life but there were prevailing elements that bonded us. I could not listen to ‘Swimming’ in its entirety for two months after he passed. It was too painful, because I would never be able to hear more music from this beautiful artist I grew up with, because of the pain another human being left, because I did not know what it meant for myself and because I knew it made mortality a lot more tangible for my brother. He hurt. He is a much more invested fan than I am and because of his chronic pain, mortality is realer to him than it is anyone I know. It scared him. Miller’s death scared a lot of us as he quite literally died from depression. 

Lyrics across the album painted my frequency. I have a talent for hiding my feelings and nurtured this as a child. It is detrimental to my mental health as it difficult to seek help and I am seldom offered it, that is why “ It ain't perfect but I don't mind 'cause on the surface I look so fine But really I'm buggin' buggin'’ spoke to me. I often would like to depart from my state of mind and anxiety takes over me as I feel as though I am not like anyone else around me, that is how “ In my own way, this feel like living, Some alternate reality And I was just drowning,” stapled to my heart. I feel the weight of my family and frequently feel like my work ethic disappoints them and ‘ I don't wanna keep you waiting. I hope I never keep you waiting” laid that out for me in ‘Small Worlds’ and even lines I could not directly relate to such as “ You never told me being rich was so lonely. Nobody know me “ cut deep as I empathized and repeated that last line as it fell in my life. I won’t even get started on ‘2009′ as everything from the melody hit. It was my favourite on ‘Swimming’ the first time I heard it, when he was still alive. The “yeah, I know what’s behind that door” was always so haunting to me as it was calming and assuring of what the future beheld but at the same time I felt innuendos of that familar depressed feeling. Depression is horrible and I would love to do without it but at this point it is familiar, it is like a sad hug. It hurts but I know it and I find odd comfort in it, which is part of the deception and makes it hard to break out of it. 

Mac Miller’s death was painful to say the least. It triggered a lot in me, and in my brother, writer, Mugabi. His death felt like a defeat from depression but ultimately it does not detemine our individual fates. I have recently been able to listen to his album and I grieve him continually. Miller’s presence was unique and as a rapper he felt like a soft touch of cushion. I am still battling my mental health and one thing I learned from him is to pour my thoughts into my artistry, whatever it may be. I hold my prayer till January 16th 2020 - Mugabi’s 28th.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VzAjXdBJsEc

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2019

I feel stupid thinking that the New Year would bring about more joy and at least, the release of the same kind of pain I experienced in the last. 

My friendships, I don’t know.

I delve into more beautiful ones but the feelings of solitary and being unwanted still peek through. 

I don’t know where I stand with boys, still hopeless. I need to learn to guard and think without desperation. 

I am tired of feeling so special but also like a second choice to the same people. It hits a lot harder with the former inducted. 

I know you love me.

I know I love you

but I don’t know.

You are my friend, why do I feel so alone?

This is not going where it was intended to but I am just letting off steam now, my tears are drying up and I am switching up my playlist to something lighter. 

I hate feeling like this.

Why am I still feeling like this?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pbMwTqkKSps

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.

Suffering in Silence.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vtMB2BXwwio

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my sister’s keeper

I just called my brothers for five hours and cried right after

I don’t know, so many emotions are begging to enter

I’m so happy and full of love but why do we always fight

Mad, sad, shhh delight

I didn’t talk to you the whole week I’m sad,

because you’re bad

You’re in pain and I can’t help and we’re mad at other things

I think I was mad we didn’t talk

It wasn’t directed anywhere but I misdirected some to you as you did I

We can’t live together and always fight but I love you more than mine

Oh b 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s3GKxnBDu2g

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Free Doom

i need liberation, fam

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zLKLPEBU7iU

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For My Brother

I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree 

I knew exactly what it would mean

to you as I heard it every night on constant replay from your bedroom

as you tried to make some space some room

in your heart to forgive him.

You don’t blame him, but I am angry I am starting to

You suffer too much and deserve to use the loo

Without spending thirty five minutes mustering strength in agonising quakes

and seizures, shivers and sweaty wakes

all to tell me you love me and goodnight.

all to tell me you love me and goodnight

all to tell me you love me and goodnight.

I struggle and want to help you

and this is not going to turn into an ablist glory tune

but there is nothing we can do, you repeatedly say

the spawns told us their medicine has not evolved yet, we just pray

what took daddy does not you

everyday we pray

everyday we pray

everyday we pray

Your pain is something I could never feel

Acknowledging your chronic illness and it’s reality will not make it heal

but is how I support you and light your candle

I’m sorry mom freaks out and cannot handle

I understand you when you want to take your life

I understand you when you want to take your life

You’ve known you musn’t procreate since you were nine

like before, it can be passed down to yours and not mine

You are depressed.

It all makes sense.

You taught me hope can be a hurtful illusion

And to face and talk about the pain we face.

The words and character you’ve planted in me

and everyone you touched is your legacy

for you are the greatest man that I have ever known

you are the greatest woman I have ever known

you are the greatest one that I have ever known

you are the greatest one that I have ever known

you are the greatest one that I have ever known.

(I wrote this as a song)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aQ1FhvKV5Ww

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The Breakfast Club

I’m sad

I’m just lonely man.

I promised I wanted this account’s mood to go up but I guess I’m on here to relieve myself of stuff that are tough To tell and I can usually share my joys

For better or worse right...

Today I talked to a friend of mine about human relationships, friendships in particular . We used to be close, we fell for each other and it didn’t end well but the bond is still there. The potential of the relationship was never achieved but I’m glad, there were a lot of things I had to wanted to talk about in my life that felt too ‘burdenous’ for him.

I can’t not fully be honest and myself if I’m going to be with someone

Anywhom, he talked about how at 19 he’s found these relationships for life and doesn’t want to explore anymore. I don’t understand it. I can’t wait to explore my 20s and delve into others ...beings. Enlighten your chakra. My friends getting me into meditation

I’ll start tomorrow, promise! Lol

Wow, I’m lighter now.

You always know what to do, reader.

Nothing

https://youtu.be/ysUC4xQlBsw

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Love Actually

Longitudinal lust bares susceptibility to us all but love reeks for the privilege

We often confuse love with lust resulting in self-induced puddles with the partner obviously taking some blame.

The latter is the more common and can also lead to this, love.

It’s all quite kitsch.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=FG2PgVl0Nlc

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Sin City

Kill stone

Kiss alone

Kids bone

Creed stole.

https://youtu.be/d1uRU4IRiDo

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It

She’s back.

May is here and I’m scared. I could’ve sworn she’d abandoned me and lord I was high

On love, joy. I don’t smoke but I peaked and my endorphins raced and I clapped and I smiled and my eyes went red and I

I wasn’t with you, I almost forgot what your touch felt like and maybe just maybe you really ‘were a phase’

Don’t talk to me! I hate your voice, you’re abusive and make my heart distaste even though I recognize it’s not who I am.

*raps* “Can’t see myself when I look in the mirror, can’t see myself when I look in the mirror “ I was wondering why I had that song on repeat all day.

It was a trigger. You were jealous of the lack of attention I paid you and sent me signals throughout my stressful day and when it all ended and I took a nap

BOOM.

Fast forward two weeks, you hit me again. Why was I awake an hour earlier than the alarm? I’m crying now, no, no. My chest is clenched once more. I can’t have an anxiety attack, I have work in half an hour, my eyes can’t be red.

“Cry more”

Shut up, May.

My friends are hanging out and sending me videos, they don’t know we started dating. I can’t respond but I can’t let them peer in and begin to ask questions.

“Fake it, you’ve done it since you were seven.”

I listen, yes.

You feel good now; no longer an anamoly. You make me feel pain but you’re comfortable. You’re a woman.

You’re my depression.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ufynqs_COF4

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Blood Diamond

Nothing.

Appreciation for my kin...he makes me feel good 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4rz_kQiBxaQ

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Master of None

But as of now, my tears are dry ¿

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Ynj2lBHV_0

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Set It Off

I hate that I’m writing this while crying

This is also the first post written on my phone, you know I need to vent…

I hate that they have so much power over me, I felt ashamed in my own and wished my curves would slim down and trickle to a blunt end and my eyes appear dim

Not too bright or bold,dear

Why would I want to De escalate my shine?

Men make me cringe.

My mother always warned me, even of my uncles but those two college boys new what they were doing sitting right next to me.

Prying on me and making their move as soon as Ieft to ‘plant’ themselves next to me upon my return.

I detest the rush in which I put my headphones in, it was almost as fast as my skin crawling mirroring my inhales.

Let it out, they’ll know they’re getting to you if you don’t.

I think it was harassment, it was. I’ve just been so foiled into specific definitions but I couldn’t concentrate. This essay is due dammit. I also can’t move. I cannot get up, I don’t know but I’m stuck in an awakened paralysis hybrid situation.

My friend isn’t helping, I tried to tell someone this time I promise but all I got was a ‘can’t you move’ and immediate change of subject.

Am I not explaining this well?

No, I deserve better. Dammit I do.

They talked about women’s bodies and I couldn’t. They stared oh my God they stared. You would’ve thought my face and thighs were a sitcom with no ads.

Sigh, thank you. I can breathe a bit, I have to sleep so I can look good tomorrow and impress..a man.

Is he different?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TTglDb7qjvQ

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Click

I tried drawing and every image was

Bordered, boxed or something

Everything had lines

I tried creating a ‘free’ image but it was like trying to think of a new colour

Impossible to the human mind

We’re told?

I started to get angry and tug at my hair and nudge my brain

Draw without a line.

Shouldn’t be that hard.

A minute conundrum abashed me,

Ugh get rid of the fucking lines.

*the song I’d like to add is one I wrote, one of these is the instrumental*

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ohQPySWJToo