…but not an android 😔

welcome to nowhere fast (my edgy-ass vent/mental illness sideblog). he/him. if you know my main shhhhhh no you don't

[i-may-be-paranoid]

sometimes I look back at the posts I've made here and go oh god. that was so cringe. but I must remind myself that that is exactly what I made this sideblog for

[kosmogrl]

[hangsawoman]

therapist: and what do we say when we feel like this?

me: no live organism can continue to exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality

therapist: no

[i-may-be-paranoid]

it's ok! as long as I don't look directly at it I won't burn my eyes!

[i-may-be-paranoid]

what is family?

A) the first thing to define you

B) an important safety net

C) a gangrenous limb in desperate need of amputation

[i-may-be-paranoid]

the concept of family is some bullshit tbh. like you want me to excuse your behavior for what? a few shared genes and some legal documents? I've only ever seen filial piety hurt people

[i-may-be-paranoid]

I think if I tried to explain to her "hey, if I did to you the things you've been doing to me, you'd feel that's deeply unfair and violating, right? because you're a person who deserves to be treated equally with basic respect?" it'd go right over her head because she fundamentally does not see me as an Equal or an Adult (or maybe even a Person, but I repeat myself). that said, next time she holds my internet access ransom I've half a mind to just unplug and hide the router

[woman-becomer]

I'm on a noble quest to feel something

[woman-becomer]

things felt so far:

humidity

[woman-becomer]

shame

[unalivejournal]

Im probably a bad person but I'm a bad person so idrc about that rn

[guiltfactory]

"for my own sanity, i'm going to stop thinking about this!" ← person who's going to think about it all the time forever

[glowcowboy]

as someone who constantly gets stuck in ruminative cycles, figuring out a way to stop the cycle before it gets out of hand has been incredibly formative for me. if you find yourself ruminating or unable to stop the cycling, here’s a place to start.

am i learning, processing, or ruminating? it’s important to be able to distinguish between the three. learning is when you receive new information that updates your frame of understanding. processing is when you study a situation to help yourself understand it. ruminating is when you cycle over the same thought repeatedly, often causing distress. learning and processing are productive, while rumination is destructive.

which theme is this? understanding the root of the spiral has helped me to untangle why the rumination feels so intense and scary. (example: i’ve been ruminating on one specific interaction with someone where i think they might’ve misinterpreted what i meant. this is my theme of fear around being misunderstood.)

how do i respond? (example: okay, this is that theme of being misunderstood. but it is not my job to make myself perfectly understood. the people i have around me can ask clarifying questions if they’re confused, and they are willing to meet me in the middle because they want to understand.)

don’t feed the raccoons tuna. (this is an example from my therapist that i love! essentially, don’t feed the beast or it will keep coming back. distract yourself, journal, listen to music, etc.)

[obeliskandmetronome]

[raqhaelia-deactivated20241212]

“The Flinch” by Julien Smith

[gatsby-system-folks]

Tags from @that-stone-butch

[joelletwo]

[ID: First Image shows a very grainy obelisk and metronome, in only black and white. Text reads: “I don’t want to be like this.” “So don’t be.” “It’s not that simple.” “It really, really is.”

Second Image is text that reads: “You don’t know anyone at the party, so you don’t want to go. You don’t like cottage cheese, so you haven’t eaten it in years. This is your choice, of course, but don’t kid yourself: It’s also the flinch. Your personality is not set in stone. You may think a morning coffee is the most enjoyable thing in the world, but it’s really just a habit. Thirty days without it, and you would be fine. You think you have a soul mate, but in fact you could have had any number of spouses. You would have evolved differently, but been just as happy. You can change what you want about yourself at any time. You see yourself as someone who can’t write or play an instrument, how gives in to temptation or makes bad decisions, but that’s really not you. It’s not ingrained. It’s not your personality. Your personality is something else, something deeper than just preferences, and these details not he surface, you can change anytime you like. If it is useful to do so, you must abandon your identity and start again. Sometimes, it’s the only way.”

Third image: tags #sometimes it feels like personality is a narrative that you can just kind of. drop #like a fire you can let die out. like a glass of water you can just like. pour out over time. and you can put something else in the glass #neat!

/end ID]

[satanfemme]

I don't like it when people are trying to (even sympathetically) explain why teenagers can sometimes have emotional volatility as "well they're just biologically stupid and angry and bad because of their hormones and underdeveloped brain" with no mention to be found of the fact they're also still trapped in an incredibly oppressive environment 24/7.

working 12+ hour days for school without pay or the right to "switch jobs" to something better, often working a real job on top of that, still the legal property of their parents, can't even dye their own hair or use their own name or have a door to their own room in many many cases. yeah I would be at the end of my rope too, especially when dealing with the adults in my life who are enacting and/or facilitating the abuse! it feels pretty glaring to ignore this dynamic when talking about the strained emotional capacity of teenagers. did you forget? what it was like to not have the right to your own life yet? to be hurt 24/7? and then to have your (extremely reasonable!!!) emotional reactions dismissed as pure hysteria?

purely anecdotally, I'm also not convinced that teenagers are "biologically" more prone to volatility in a meaningfully distinct way tbh. thinking back to the people I knew as a teen vs the people I've known in adulthood, in both demographics there have been people prone to lashing out, and people who were completely stoic, and the differences between the two groups have always seemed to be split not along age or hormonal makeup but along life experiences and who had better support structures. (but again this is anecdotal, and somewhat besides the point. because even if there is a non-pseudoscience biologically provable difference in teenagers' brains that make them universally moodier across the board, perhaps they could better manage their own moods if they weren't being crazy abused as an entire class with no legal ability to escape.)

[satanfemme]

not to drive the implicit point home too hard but I also can't think of literally any other instances where it's been good or helpful to say "[class of people] are all universally bad and stupid because of their small brains and crazy hormones". so idk why we think saying it about teenagers is the one exception to the rule. even if you're tacking on a "so this is why we have to be nice to them. because they can't help having small dumb brains." who does this rhetoric help?

[sicknastyjr]

Your 20s are not about getting your life together they're about learning to escape the self imposed torture labyrinth you've built inside your own head

[ceruleanheaven]

i just wanna do nothinggggg 😭😭😭😭😭 which is like what im already doing but i wanna do it in a way that doesnt actively ruin my life 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

[nocountryforoldjetpacks]

[onecells]