The Train Station Of Thoughts

I write poems ^^ Also they/ them, 21 yrs

[ifreakinglovepoems]

What if?

Have you ever broken a vase,

and then glued it back together?

You can still see the cracks in it,

but at least the shape is the same now.

-

What if I’m not like a vase?

What if my pieces don’t fit anymore,

because I waited too long,

or what if the glue I need,

just doesn’t exist?

What if I’m just meant to be like this,

spread out on the floor,

hurting anyone who walks nearby.

-

What if I shouldn't ask “What if”,

because I don’t have enough facts,

to even ask these questions?

At least not enough to worry.

What if it all turns out all right?

What if I don’t need glue,

but duct tape.

What if.

-

What the fuck if.

[ifreakinglovepoems]

Light is prescious

I want to pour out light,

And write poems that shine,

To brighten people's lives.

--

But what if I just have a bit,

Just enough to not fall off cliffs,

Though I still stumble all the time.

--

Could I pour out some darkness instead?

[ifreakinglovepoems]

Keep fighting

Pain is my stalker.

He follows me always,

but hides sometimes.

-

He stabs with sad songs,

punches with memories,

cuts with false thoughts.

These are his weapons.

The push towards bridges,

whispering “jump…”

-

I stare at my wounds,

until the blood is ink,

and grab my pen.

Letters turn to words,

words gather to verses!

I start to heal.

-

Pain can’t keep up now.

A space- bar between us,

tripping on words.

Scars are still tender,

but now I’m on a bridge,

and keep walking.

-

It’s not over yet,

but if I keep fighting,

I might survive.

---

And sometimes that,

is a big enough victory.

[ifreakinglovepoems]

Out of this moment

People say all we have

is right now,

but I can’t.

Because right now

all I want,

is to stop more moments from coming.

--

I need to live in the future,

where there is hope.

I need to live in the past,

where good memories rest,

and change is proven possible.

I need to not live in this moment,

to be able to live,

right now,

because all I have,

is everything that isn’t.

[ifreakinglovepoems]

You turn my legs into spaghetti

To give me your heart was bold,

But as hard as it was for you to say

It is for my hands to hold,

For I know that you will leave me anyway.

-

The future looks bleak,

But people say that love makes you stronger.

But what if I'm weak

And I someday can't hold on any longer?

-

I'm tired of pretending

That long distance will be easy as pie.

I'm scared that I'll be lending

You a piece of my heart when you say good bye.

-

I realise how much I care,

When your hugs make my heart beat confetti.

But it is both love and fear

That's turning my legs into spaghetti.

[ifreakinglovepoems]

Hanging in there

I‘m falling

I‘m falling

I‘m falling

I‘m falling

My hands are soap,

my world is a shower

surrounding me

with tiles,

I’m falling

I’m falling

I’m falling

and even friction

has flead from this world, my world,

so there’s no holding on to the walls,

the walls that keep surrounding me,

and did they just creep closer?

I’m falling

I’m falling

I look down and the floor looks beautiful. 

But is it? I don’t know.

I just know I want to stop falling,

But maybe there are some reasons to keep falling as well.

Maybe I have some people I can’t say good bye to just yet,

some people it’s worth hanging around for.

I’m falling,

Still.

----------

(please google suicide hotlines/ mental health hotlines if you feel like this, or call a friend)

[ifreakinglovepoems]

Change

"It will pass, it will pass"

I said, while sitting on my ass.

But if you don't do something different,

The only thing that will pass

Is time.

(so I got an appointment with a psychologist)

[ifreakinglovepoems]

You know you're not cis when

a binder makes it easier to breath

[ifreakinglovepoems]

Catch me

My heart has a gap

Between two mountains.

I tend to fall there,

Helpless and constant.

-

When I cry for help,

people do appear,

But their hands are too,

Sweaty or tired,

So I slip and fall,

Again, still further.

-

I miss to sit still,

Watching the sunrise.

To feel safe and calm,

Between the mountains.

For there was a bridge,

Massive and stable,

Where I used to sit,

Beaming so peaceful.

-

When you built that bridge,

Caos just vanished.

Then one day I jumped,

Leaving my safety.

You see it felt wrong,

Stalling in comfort,

To not move at all.

Hoping that someone,

Will catch me once more,

Bringing an airplane,

So this time I'll be,

Flying, not falling.

[ifreakinglovepoems]

Just a crush

I look to the floor,

and I create that cute tiny smile.

I look up once more,

and I have butterflies for a while.

We laugh together,

and I let all my sillyness show.

We hug eachother,

and I never want to let you go.

(Crushes are underrated ^^)

[ifreakinglovepoems]

Courage

It is in the small things that we see it. The child's first step, as awesome as an earthquake. The first time you rode a bike, wallowing up the sidewalk. The first spanking when your heart went on a journey all alone. When they called you crybaby or poor or fatty or crazy, and made you into an alien. You drank their acid, and you concealed it.

Later, if you faced the death of bombs and bullets, you did not do it with a banner, you did it with only a hat to cover your heart. You did not fondle the weakness inside you, though it was there. Your courage was a small coal that you kept swallowing.

(by Anne Sexton)

[ifreakinglovepoems]

He (Pronoun)

Paint

Is thrown

when speaking.

-

Red

Mostly

hits my skin.

Blue

I breath

as if air.

Caus

Inside

I'm purple.

-

Please

try to

give water.

Then

you see

real colors.

[ifreakinglovepoems]

What I learned

I crave you,

and again I get burned.

I wonder,

will I ever have learned?

-

Need to stop,

but addiction is hard.

Tried to fight,

but you tore down my guard.

-

It's scary,

all the parts you could see,

though I loved,

how you made me feel free.

-

I realise,

that with you I did feel,

I became,

the me that is ideal

-

Could I learn,

to be me without you?

To tear walls,

and let people come through?

Guess I learned something after all.

[ifreakinglovepoems]

It’s over

I feel

like the space

inside a ball

of crumpled paper

that has been thrown around.

And now I rest ever marked,

with creases all over

my fragile blanc slate

but won't forget

the joy of

flying.

[ifreakinglovepoems]

Pink or blue?

Have you ever seen old pictures of someone who’s hair used to be long? but you’ve only seen it short so the pictures look all wrong. That’s how I feel when I look in a mirror.

It's just that I feel society wants me to be this one person, but in my mind I'm dying to be this other vertion . That's what I think when I look in a mirror.

I want to wear a tie with a dress and wear my hair short with lipstick, but some say my style should depend on vagina or dick. That's what I hate when I look in a mirror.

I hate being called a girl, becaus I don't feel feminine enough. I don't want to be a guy though, because I'm not that rough. That's confusing when I look in a mirror.

I do like my masculine height, my curves and my androgenous face. In fact, there's not a part of my body that I'd replace. That I embrace when I look in a mirror.

I know you have grown up with genders and you have learned that there are two, but please treat me like a person, not like a pink or blue. That's what I hope when I look in a mirror.

It is hard to remember new pronouns and get into new habits, but know that it warms my heart when you try call me what fits. That makes it better to look in a mirror.

I don't want society to make people mindlessly surrender, I hope you feel free to express whatever gender. That's what I want you to see in a mirror.

[ifreakinglovepoems]

Coming out

I think many of you know the feeling,

when you are scared of what they'll say.

But no matter how little appealing,

you want parents to know you're gay.

-

So I was talking to mum in the car,

fumbling over to the subject.

Okay, so I managed to get this far,

but what if she chose to reject?

-

You see, I've heared the stories of others,

seeking love only to get hate,

sent away by their very own mothers,

and I did not want that same fate.

-

All queer are part of a minority,

and,

together we need to stay strong,

caus some they make it a priotity,

to fool queers that we don't belong.

-

Therefor I've been batshit scared to come out,

to family, friends and boyfriends,

But I have made progress, oh there's no doubt,

and one day I hope this fear ends.

-

Now you might wonder how mum did react,

with me trembling all the way through,

she simply said, with very low impact,

"Oh that's fine, in fact I am too"

[ifreakinglovepoems]

Has the heat got to you yet?

We are melting away,

In the cold land of Norway,

We beg God for no more heat,

not recognizing our defeat.

-

This is the outcome of a war,

that too many find as just a bore.

A war where Earth fought valiantly,

but it's habitants tore ungallantly.

-

Somehow I melt away in glee.

In Earth War Two all men will see,

that on nature Trump is truly wrong,

and how great Earth's spies worked all along.

The spies who witnessed and ached with earth's pain,

and knew their work would never be in vain.

They helped forests, species, oceans, stay intact,

but could truly exel with something they lacked:

To have 7,6 billion minds who believe.

Together there's no stopping what we can achieve.