my frustration with āgoing nonverbal/nonspeakingā (as a fully nonverbal person)
transcript: my frustration with āgoing nonverbal/nonspeakingā (as a fully nonverbal person)
this written for instagram because of this post. but thought tumblr may like it too. āyouā means general you, no one specific.
the instagram post and this on wordpress
this disclaimer is for instagram but also for anyone new to this discussion:
in full honestly, donāt know how to write this. am tired, language and complex ideas too much at time of writing, and general exhaust at having to argue same thing over and over again and justify own existence. tired of being minority within minority, wish there are others to do these work for me so i donāt have to do it all by self, singlehandedly advocate for everyone (not to mention problem with thatāi canāt speak for everyone).
so honestly, if you donāt have anything nice to say, especially if you speaking (yes, even if you lose speech. include you), just don't say anything at all. move on.
online actually autistic community (AAut) dominated by white, lower support needs. level 1, speaking, late diagnosed, high masking autistics. find people like you is great, what not great is you treat your very narrow community as āvoice of all autisticā and your experience as ultimate autistic experience. i write plenty about that, many more elaborate than this, if you not familiar with this concept.
many people in this community experience times when cannot speak, sometimes because overwhelm, shutdown, dissociate, or anxiety (situational mutism), but do not struggle with act of speaking rest of time (some struggle with speech all the time but still can speak - more on that later). the community call āgoing nonverbal/nonspeaking,ā or even āwhen i am nonverbal nonspeakingā (not talking about those nonverbal as child and verbal now older), after clinical term ānonverbalā (nonverbal autism) and term coined by apraxic nonspeaking autistics ānonspeaking.ā
both of which talk about it as an āall the timeā experience.
when i search nonverbal or nonspeaking because i want community too, want see people like me too, two category i see: 1) parents of nonverbal nonspeaking children, whom canāt relate to because age, who canāt write own experience because their age and developmental ability. and 2) overwhelming amount of speaking autistic talk about going nonverbal going nonspeaking.
and the very very few fully nonverbal nonspeaking voices. drowned out. cannot find anyone.
nonverbal used to be term to describe us, people who canāt speak or cannot functionally speak beyond few words. medical term, alright, so some of us donāt like. so some of us reject that and create term all of our own, called nonspeaking. created by nonspeaking autistics with severe apraxia and brain body disconnect, describe their own experience of able to think in words able to spell out words (with great dedication and work and support), just cannot do that with mouth. their term. they create.
and you take it? without knowing context? without reading anything by those same nonspeaking coiners?
when is last time you purposely seek out nonverbal nonspeaking voices? when is last time you accidentally came across us? can you name any nonverbal nonspeaking advocate that talk about their experiences? one? two? three? a BIPOC person, a (specifically) Black person? a Black woman? a trans person? a physically disabled person? a person not from western world?
same narrative over and over. āi can speak for nonverbal autistic i understand their experience because i am autistic i canāt talk sometimesā no you cannot. as someone who was able to speak when young who lose speech (āgo nonverbalā) but now have no speech to lose because full time nonverbal. no the experience not the same. not comparable. you gain it back. i donāt. you can explain with mouth words what happen when you get out. i canāt, i only have AAC. countless nonverbal nonspeaking people without AAC or sign cannot, at all. you never experience daily small and big struggle of casually being nonverbal all the time.
your experience of lose speech unique from my nonverbal. but if you so insist to compare and equate, you only guest to my experience, my daily life.
āwhen i go nonverbal and no one understand so have to force to speakā i cannot force words out. know you donāt mean to say this, and not saying you at fault for this, but nevertheless accidental perpetuate and reinforce idea that anyone who donāt speak can just be forced to speak if try hard enough. but often not how it works. and this exact harmful rhetoric devoid and delays nonverbal nonspeaking people given access to AAC, because āneed try to force words out first, AAC unnatural so last resort.ā
this may be new concept for you. new concept to instagram, to tiktok. to other places. it may seem i only one with this problem, āi once saw a nonspeaking personās account and they donāt have problem.ā
yeah, because we are not monolith. some nonverbal nonspeaking people donāt care. some nonverbal nonspeaking people may even welcome āgo nonverbal nonspeakingā or āwhen i am nonverbal nonspeaking.ā
but donāt be fooled into believe i only one. have many nonverbal/nonspeaking and/or higher support needs friends on tumblr, who talk about this who have been saying this for years. *years*. years before i joined. i am not creator, i only bring message here, because many of us are too high support needs too disabled to do anything else. many of us only stay on our small corner of tumblr because it most peaceful, because at least some listen, because least hostile, because need to defend our experience against our own community the least. (but it happens less doesnāt mean it doesnāt happen, we still exhausted.) many of us only stay on our small corner of tumblr because that all we can handle, or because we not allowed or shouldnāt be on other social media because age or abilities or both.
i cannot handle conflict i do not do well and i shouldnāt be here. but if not me, who else? if i donāt do it, who else is going to?
some nonverbal nonspeaking people and parents of them may question, why you start debate about useless term when so many nonverbal nonspeaking people donāt even have access to communicate, real problems. to that i say i do those work too. and to that i say this is real problem too, because am autistic so online actually autistic community should also be my space too but it not. but it hostile. because am lonely because seeing yourself so crucial because donāt know anyone in person like me donāt have any friends in person like me, so i go online to find people like me and i cannot because no own term to search and what used to be term many people without similar experience insist they understand and can speak for me because they say we have similar experience. because this aloneness and the unique difficulty from being full time nonverbal and the struggle of future and the unique mistreatment from both outside but also inside community have drove me over edge many times and it is presence and knowing their presence of my tumblr nonverbal nonspeaking / higher support needs friends that gave me hope to stay. because so many people donāt listen and instead speak over. terminology only a symptom of problem. address roots, sure, but part of address roots is address symptoms.
āwell nonverbal people are never aroundā maybe it because you donāt make it welcome for us to join.
āfully nonverbal rare anywayā estimated 30% of us nonverbal nonspeaking, which this statistic probably only count those nonverbal since birth. even more are minimally speaking or without full functional communication, abilities limited to requests. sure, 30% still not majority. but significant amount never the less. speaking lower support needs autistic without intellectual disability not majority anyway too but your experience still deserve heard. ours too.
āsee less nonverbal people because they don't have ability to communicate and use social mediaā yes, many nonverbal nonspeaking people not given access to communication (like AAC), forced to live in silence (because body language communication not enough alone!). silence from birth to teenage years, to adulthood, even until they die. some cannot understand social media or AAC because intellectual disability or cognitive ability. some not allowed on there because safety, some not allowed on because presumed incompetent and abused. all true. do you advocate for them too? or is it just talking point against me, pretend you care?
but not all of us, we exist. some of us thankfully supportive parents all along, parents given resources, us given resources, so we access to AAC since beginning. some of us became nonverbal later in life (which not same experience as those early in life, i acknowledge). some of us after years of forced silence, finally given access to AAC and can now communicate and advocate! some of us on social media - do you listen?
but you see none of us in your community anyway. maybe one token person.
you can go nonverbal. i cannot go verbal. see difference? you can come close to my experience, but i never will have (future) ability to go to yours.
it frustrate that have to specify am nonverbal **all the time** when write this, because if donāt do that will be assumed otherwise. frustrate that when in neurodivergent space stranger see me AAC they assume i can speak because they only know part time users (know part time users frustrate too because people assume they cannot speak and get surprised when they do. me being assumed automatic part time is not fault of part time AAC users.)
even been told am privileged to be nonverbal nonspeaking, privilege over speaking autistic who lose speech because in their mind it mean i get all support i need i get all recognition get all the representation. which. couldnāt be farther from truth.
all that. is fraction of reason i frustrate at āgoing nonverbal nonspeakingā and āwhen i was nonverbal nonspeaking.ā
so many other words. lose speech. intermittent speech.
just want have own sub community where can find people similar experience.
