i don't know

[ineedananswerplease]

A question about sex and gender

Hello! I've been trying to figure out my gender and sexuality for the past few years and I simply have been coming up empty handed. For the past two years I have identified as trans (ftm). However I've recently begun to question that. Recently I've enjoyed being feminine in certain situations. I've also enjoyed looking more feminine than I am (I had on a long wig for an unrelated reason and it gave me a lot of joy. There have been many other incidents of this but I figured this was a decent illustration). Despite this, I still wish that I had a male body. I abhor my female genitalia. I generally dislike my breasts. But there are occasional times when I enjoy looking or behaving in a feminine manner. So I guess I'm confused. To put it in the simplest terms, were I to be able to control my fate, I would be a biologically male genderfluid person. I know that doesn't make sense. When I think about it, the closest thing I can conceptualize is "transgender genderfluid" but that's a contradiction in terms, right? I don't feel like I identify with genderfluid because I constantly wish physically to be male. I just occasionally want to appear female externally. However this enjoyment of my femininity makes me feel like I can't fit the term "transgender" anymore. More than anything, I'm at a loss. I guess I'm rambling now. Can anyone help? I know there are a lot of things out there I still don't know about all this. Any answers would be fantastic.

[ineedananswerplease]

I don't know if any of you are interested, (I say to my 5 followers XD) but I made another blog for the sake of dealing with anything trans related. I'll still use this one, but if anyone wants to pop over there, feel free! It's here.

Thanks!

[ineedananswerplease]

So I've started dressing like a guy around the dorm now and having my roommate use male pronouns for me. In public, I'm still female, but at home I guess I'm trying out being male? I'm not sure how to know if it's "right" or not. If anyone has any tips, ideas, support, stories, or anything, it'd be really cool to hear from you!

[ineedananswerplease]

So after a lot of things that I haven't chronicled here, I've made the decision to ask my two closest friends to use male pronouns when speaking about me. I figured, hey. I'm 20, it's about time that I got this figured out, so it's more of an experiment for me than a legitimate change. It's only been a day that they've both been aware of my request but I already have a question.

Does anyone have any explanation of knowing whether or not a pronoun is "right" for you? Like, every time they call me "he" or something, I get a sort of a zing in my stomach, almost akin to what you get when you first have a crush on someone. I don't know if that's me being nervous or incredibly happy, and I'm sort of curious. Does anyone have any opinions on this? 

[ineedananswerplease]

I just kinda wanna break down and sob.

I mean, it's not even like there's that much wrong in my life.

But.

ugh

[ineedananswerplease]

I just.

I'm probably pan. Almost certainly pan.

But I have to be straight. Because of my family and my religion and other choices and a lot of things.

And my friend was trying to help me sort out the overwhelming amount of stress i'm going through right now in trying not to date a girl i should obviously be dating.

and in the MIDDLE of helping me they changed the subject to something about how they're planning on coming out. And that's fine and everything. I'd love to talk to them about it.

But when I'm like "I'm trying to be straight" and then they're like "that's nice. i'm planning on coming out! i just want to be happy!"

and i

can't really deal.

[ineedananswerplease]

Okay so. 

I’ve been getting advice from a rather well-versed source about a few of my problems, but I’m still sort of highly curious/frustrated. So I figured I’d ask tumblr.

I’m a female biologically and I love being female. But I can’t partake in any sort of sexual activity as a female. I’m a twenty-year-old virgin who never masturbates because I can’t stand the idea of a vagina. All of my fantasies revolve around me having a penis. All of them. The only time I manage to get off is when my partner puts me in a situation that would satisfy male genitalia. 

So. Uh. What does that mean for me and my gender? Is it because of the sexual abuse I used to face? Is there something else wrong? What can I do to help this? Any ideas?

[bigendered]

i don't know: Please help, tumblr!

From your description I think that it's not so much a question of your gender as your sexuality. Now, you may have left out some details. And I may misinterpret a little, but from what you've written I think you are female in gender. Now, the trickier part. Being female in gender does not always mean you are comfortable with general heterosexual sex. You'll have to excuse me, I live in the deep south and honestly we're not all well versed in everything down here. But from the best of my knowledge, it's called "Transvestism". What this means is that you are a normal, functioning person, that fits every role of your gender, but also fits the role sexually of another gender. Some people use it as a fetish term, but honestly I think it also fits a psychological sexuality as well. This is perfectly normal and acceptable as long as you are comfortable. There is a lot of exploring that needs to be done before you can come to a conclusion. Whether sexuality, gender identity, or a mix of the two: only you can tell the world who you are. I wish you all the luck in the world- Elixx 

[ineedananswerplease]

That's an interesting take on it! I'm not so sure if it's a sexuality problem, though, since it's not the problem of someone else's genitalia, but instead my own. Like, I can't really function as a female in sexual situations. So is that sexuality? I'm not sure.

But the problem is that I'm not okay with it. I've minorly self harmed over the fact before and I've had quite a few horrible days because of it. That's why I want to know what it is, because then maybe I can try to come to terms with it.

[ineedananswerplease]

Please help, tumblr!

Okay so. 

I've been getting advice from a rather well-versed source about a few of my problems, but I'm still sort of highly curious/frustrated. So I figured I'd ask tumblr.

I'm a female biologically and I love being female. But I can't partake in any sort of sexual activity as a female. I'm a twenty-year-old virgin who never masturbates because I can't stand the idea of a vagina. All of my fantasies revolve around me having a penis. All of them. The only time I manage to get off is when my partner puts me in a situation that would satisfy male genitalia. 

So. Uh. What does that mean for me and my gender? Is it because of the sexual abuse I used to face? Is there something else wrong? What can I do to help this? Any ideas?

[ineedananswerplease]

Hey there. Just wanted to let you know that I'm in the same boat as you, I think. I'm fairly certain that I have sexual aversion disorder, and I am not in a relationship. I have no answers, nothing online helps, no one understands, I feel like an obsessive freak sometimes. It's awful, isn't it? But I guess we aren't alone. We should talk.

i'm so sorry that you have to deal with that. I really am. I'd definitely be willing to talk to you if you'd like! Maybe we can help each other! 

[ineedananswerplease]

I really need someone to talk to about all of this.

[ineedananswerplease]

So today I learned what one of my fantasies was called.

Which means in addition to having Sexual Aversion Disorder and in addition to pretty much demanding of myself to be straight (even though I'm probably pan), I have autoandrophilia, which is something that is pretty much addressed like a myth.

The only communities are those for autogynephilia, which is the opposite.

So yeah. Just like with S.A.D., I'm in a situation where there's no support group or community for what I have.

Great.

Sensational.

[ineedananswerplease]

I like a transgender male.

And he's got a girlfriend. But he likes me. A lot.

Problem is, I'm Christian. And that means it's against the code that I believe for me, myself, to date someone who has ever been female. I don't mind if others do it, honestly, but for myself, it's a standard that I try to uphold.

This is the fourth time that I've been faced with a situation that would put me into a non-heterosexual relationship. The first time I wound up dating her, self harming, and then breaking up with her because I couldn't handle it. The second time was a fling. Third was a domestic sort of fling. And now him. And he told me that he's in a committed relationship with her, but that I made it very clear to him that I wouldn't pursue anything with him romantically.

But I want to. And he wants to. And we almost kissed last weekend. And we were all over each other. 

But last night I freaked out. I broke down and pulled out my rubber band and snapped the names of every girl I've ever liked into my thigh. And I snapped both of his names in, too, because I don't know what to do. I made tally marks, random patterns, anything. And this morning I did it again. And again about an hour ago. My roommate knows, and she's really worried. He asked me what was wrong, and I told him things were just catching up with me that I had wanted to ignore, and now I'm forced to deal with them. He hasn't talked to me since. I think he knows, and that makes it worse because he's on medication for depression, and if he gets upset and does something bad, it's all my damn fault.

But I want to date him. I really do. I just know it'll be really really morally challenging for me. Like it is now. And I'm close to tears again and I have a whole fucking rubber band ball to go to and I tried to cut but freaked out and stowed the stuff away from me and I just honestly don't know what to do anymore.

I'm stuck. I can't be with the person I want because my morals dictate it. And my dad would be pissed. And I'd hate myself. But now I'm on the verge of hating myself anyway, and the guy I like won't even talk to me anymore.

I just.

Don't know what to do.

[ineedananswerplease]

okay stupid awkward question.

I'm a 20 female, and I've never gotten off. Not that I've never done so successfully, but I have never been able to bring myself to actually masturbate. I'm really at this horrible standstill, because absolutely EVERYONE that I know is highly sexual. Everything I see on the internet is always about how girls have been getting off since they were nine or twelve or whatever, and here I am, sickened (literally) by even the words "vagina," "vulva", "clitoris" anything. Hell. I don't even know where half of my equipment is. and I don't want to find out. 

But I want to get off. Because everyone else has and I feel like I'm...broken? Or left out? Since I haven't.

I've talked to one of my friends and explained to her several times that it's not the idea of masturbating. It's the idea of doing so as a girl. Like, if I had a penis? I'd go to town.

But I'm not discontent with being a girl. I mean, I like absolutely everything about being female except for having a vagina, etc. And I really don't know where that puts me or what to do? One of my best friends is ftm but I feel like what he identifies with isn't similar to what I'm experiencing? But so far all I can POSSIBLY see being something even REMOTELY interesting to me is one of those strap ons with a vibrator? But again. I'm highly naive about this stuff. And really confused.

Uh. Does anyone have any idea what's going on or any advice?

[ineedananswerplease]

So one of my friends told me a few days ago that he likes me. Which is great. Except he has a girlfriend.

And he's underage.

And he's transgender.

And I like him, too.

But I'm supposed to be straight.

So I'm stuck in this awkward limbo where I'm trying my damnedest to work this the fuck out. And I broke down yesterday. For the first time in a long time. And it seems like nothing got fixed. So awesome. Great. 

[ineedananswerplease]

Everyone in my life has it worse than me. Like, my family is depressed/bipolar. My friend is suicidal. My other ones have horrible lives or horrible relationships. And my life is pretty okay. But things get to me. And I feel like if I don't have something clinically wrong with me, I don't matter. I'm not about to overdose or anything unlike my friends. But I don't know.

Like, dealing with all of their stuff sort of takes a toll on me? But I have a horrible habit of just completely ignoring all of my problems. Like there's nothing wrong if I work on my cosplay. Things are surreal and fake when my friends talk about suicide. It's just...I'm detached. A lot. And that sort of bothers me?

But I can't break down when things happen because then my friends don't have anyone to depend on. I always have to be okay. And it's hard.

[ineedananswerplease]

Figured I'd ask because tumblr's good at these things.

This is kind of graphic? Heads up.

I've been wondering for a while exactly where the boundary between foreplay and sex is. When I was about 16 (I'm 19 now) I was pressured into giving quite a few blowjobs to my boyfriend. (It was a sexually abusive relationship, I know, but we broke up, so don't worry.)  He and I never had penetrative sex, he never fingered me. He only finished in my mouth once. I don't even masturbate! My sister told me at the time that blowjobs weren't "crossing the line", so I wasn't too worried, but I'm beginning to think back on it and feel like it requires further consideration?

So my question is. Did that count as losing my virginity? Did it matter that it was against my will? Everyone has a different opinion on virginity, I know, but by standard or popular terms, does that count? Thanks for your answers! Any ideas?

[ineedananswerplease]

Is it even possible to treat Sexual Aversion Disorder without the patient being in a relationship?