intRAWductions

Three individuals. Three different walks of life. One passion- our tenacious drive to figure out life.     // FHS Text Counter var height = '52'; var fhsh = document.createElement('script');var fhs_id_h = "3337136"; fhsh.src = "//freehostedscripts.net/ocount.php?site="+fhs_id_h+"&name=Visits&a=1&s=1&h="+height+""; document.head.appendChild(fhsh);document.write(""); window.dataLayer = window.dataLayer || []; function gtag(){dataLayer.push(arguments);} gtag('js', new Date()); gtag('config', 'UA-144097731-1');

[intrawductions]

FF - Sexuality/Gender Role

“You talk and laugh too loud”, “You sit, act, and walk like a boy”, - these were the messages I heard growing up- in a traditional, conservative, Catholic Filipino household with two older feminine sisters, I always felt that I was different or cannot fully be myself because I do not act or look like the “idealized female figure” that society constructed.

I say to myself – no, you SHOULD be acting this way because that is what the society and family tells you. I forced myself to be that “prim, poised, and proper lady-like individual” – oh what an uncomfortable time that was. For a long time, I felt that I was not being true to myself and hide parts of me because it was “too much” for people or “too different” from others.

Then the day came when I realized to have been developing feelings for same sex individual, I said to myself – you are definitely fucked this time, it’s not just an attraction, its feelings – good luck. I remember crying in my sleep thinking how unacceptable this is, that I am sinning and betraying God, that there is something wrong with me, all the ridiculing and judgement, that I would not be accepted. I tried to fight those feelings towards my first same-sex relationship, hid it from my family and friends, hated and judged myself and was too much of in denial that I am the way I am. I did not know what to do with myself. I was 21 and felt such discombobulation, she did not deserve that.

Officially coming out at the age of 23, it definitely was a scary but a pivotal moment. This time, I told myself- I can continue to cry myself to sleep, push those feelings away, lie to myself, fear how my friends and family would perceive me as, continue to be reactive/affected by the society’s social construct, feel like I don’t belong – or I could finally brave the fuck up and just come out.

Just come out- sounds so easy, am I right? That would be ideal. It was more of a “let me type up these feelings on my blog.. just for a family friend to find/see it and out me to my family even though I was not ready”,  “what if it was just a phase”, frustration and uncomfortability displaced towards me, feeling like I always have to prove myself, stares from the public, and social media debates/confusion from some family/friend members about sexuality and teachings of God. This definitely built my back bone and compassion for people to see them for who they really are beyond the labels. I developed this “so fucking what” mentality and acknowledged that people are going to have judgements- and as long as you are being true to yourself and have good intentions and your actions reflect these values, you are golden.

At the end of the day, I am more than my sexual identity. I utilize this coming out story to be an instrument to others – I see you and you are not alone. There are people out there that will see and accept you for you, just do you boo. “I am your mother, I should be understanding and accepting, yes it was a blow.. a surprise, but I love you” – I would never forget these words, for these are the words that shed warmth and allowed me to embrace and share my true self. I aim to live where these words would guide me – compassion, acceptance, understanding, expression, determination, faith and love. I am out and couldn’t be any more proud of who I am and what I do.

[intrawductions]

CC - Sexuality/Gender Roles

Gender roles: My mom’s expectations for girls and boys really contradicted her actions.  She told us as women we had to be independent and not rely on men, we were given more responsibility and expectations were higher. For the boys in my family they were treated with more freedom and less responsibilities. They didn't seem to have any house chores duties like the girls in the house did. I refuse to learn how to cook growing up, it was my way of rebelling against these gender roles. I didn't think it was fair that I had to learn to cook because I was a woman. I used to tell my mom I'm going to marry a chef. Now that I am older I regret not learning how to cook while my mom was around. My sister has all her recipes in her memory. I have to call my mom when I want to make one of her traditional mexican dishes.

  I am not a fan of gender roles. I try my very best to be equal. I have met people who are okay with gender roles and this blew my mind. I had no idea this thought existed. I like to feel free and complying with gender roles makes me feel like I have a chain holding me down. Also now it’s just not female and male we have the LGBT community. 

I was shocked to find out that the’re laws that discriminate against the LGBT community.  We are all human, our lifestyle preference should not be a separating factor into making laws that give one group more freedom than another. Who is who to decide which preference is more superior. That makes no sense to me, it blows my mind. 

My goal for my lifestyle is to treat everyone with compassion and love. That is the reason I work on myself and myself. I need to be able to understand myself and love myself so that I may be able to share this beautiful energy.

[intrawductions]

NH - Sexuality/Gender Roles

I grew up in a very non-traditional Mexican home. Where machismo is expected, our home was the complete opposite. My parents, especially my father, were strong believers in letting my siblings and I discover who we are on our own. My parents did not set boundaries for us and allowed us to experiment with our self-identity. Because of lack of boundaries, I learned to accept and be okay with who I was at a very young age. My parents instilled their stubbornness on us and we quickly learned not to let other people bring us down for who we were.

Now that I am older, I believe that this is one of the best things my parents could have ever done for me. At a young age, I accepted the fact that I had feelings for both boys and girls. At this point of my life, I had never heard about being gay or bisexual, I just knew that I was okay with liking whoever I liked. This was my normal and I didn’t see it as wrong.

It wasn’t until I got to middle school that the bubble that I was living in bursted. Not only was I watching people get bullied for liking who they like, I finally came to learn that the abuse that I was going through wasn’t normal. Because of these two things, I became more sheltered and quiet. I questioned my feelings and at the same time, I felt disgusted with everything that I went through.

For a long time, I blamed my abuse for things I felt towards other people. I had a very hard time seeing myself with someone. I felt like no one would ever want to be with someone who’s been sexually abused. I had a hard time accepting and loving myself. I found myself reaching for attention. I was more confused than ever. I never stopped having feelings for boys and I definitely had feelings for other girls. I kept this to myself, not because I was afraid of being bullied or having my parents find out, but because this was something about me that I didn’t want people to use to hurt me.

Slowly, I started to shed the shame of my sexuality. I labeled myself as bisexual and I continued on with my life. I started to meet people who I could relate to and soon, I found myself on a new self-discovery journey. I wanted to learn as much as I could about my sexuality. It was around this time that sexual orientation became a hot topic in world news. I started to absorb all I could about gender roles, identity, and sexuality. I started hanging out with people who identified as queer, trans, non-binary, etc. I went on dates with men, women, ftm trans, bisexuals, demisexuals, etc. I was in relationships with women, men, and trans people.

So, who am I today?

I identify myself as demi pansexual. I came to learn that I have no preferences for male, female, trans, non-binary, etc. For me, as long as there is a strong connection with someone, I am willing to be with that person. My journey with my sexuality has been a long one. I made the decision not to “come out” to people because I believe that this is something that should be accepted regardless. I am very open to talking about my sexuality with anyone who wants to talk about it. I look at it this way: I wouldn’t come out to you and tell you my blood type. I am happy to live in a time where LGBTQIA+ people are finally being given a voice and are being accepted. Because after all, Lin Manuel Miranda said it best: Love is love is love is love is love is love is love is love, cannot be killed or swept aside.

[intrawductions]

Next Topic: Sexuality/Gender Roles

10/11/2020 1 pm PST

Happy National Coming Out Day!

[intrawductions]

CP - Mental Health

Sometimes the hardest part of the day is keeping the hope up and the faith that things will get better. There are days where I feel like my anxiety is going to swallow me whole because my fear has really taken hold of me. It feels suffocating as if there is no way out, or I am holding a giant boulder that is ready to crush me if I let go. I often feel like a burden when I reach out to others, so I try to downplay what I am going through because chances are the person that I am reaching out to is also going through something. How sad is that? How sad is it to feel that somehow what I am going through is not as valid as someone else’s pain? That I have to hide what I am feeling for fear of overwhelming or making others feel uncomfortable? I have learned and been told that the best way to deal with anxiety is to take action to manage it. While this is true, however, that is still much easier said than done, especially when the anxiety that a person feels in any given moment or experiences for long periods of time is not fully taken into consideration. Some days, it can be utterly exhausting trying to cope with mental health. The stigma around mental health does not help either. Instead of creating more safe spaces to discuss mental health, there are still those who hesitate to even utter the words “mental heath.” Anxiety has been a huge part of my life, even before I knew what anxiety was. In my home growing up, there was constant tension and fear of things “exploding” because there was constant yelling and fear. I never felt truly safe to express my feelings and thoughts, especially the painful and uncomfortable ones. Being able to express myself and feel heard was inconsistent, and I was not properly taught how to healthily cope with stress and take care of, or value, my own mental health. It was not until I went to college that I began to see the unhealthy patterns in my upbringing and in myself that I was able to start gaining the self-awareness to start addressing where I needed to heal, and find the courage to seek professional help. Seeking professional help, however, gave me anxiety because I already knew my family would not understand why I needed to do this for myself. I have been told seeing a therapist was a waste of time, so what I did is still go and see a therapist but kept it low-key just so I did not have to deal with any more questions about why I was going to see a therapist again. Over time, I realized that I did not need my family’s permission nor understanding to seek the help I needed. It took a long time for me to value my own well-being enough to seek the support I needed to ease my suffering. I have come to learn that taking care of my mental health is important, especially when others did not understand because at the end of the day, it is up to me to take care of me. With the state of the world today, it is very easy to get caught up in fear because there is a very real thing to fear. People worry for their safety and for the safety of their loved ones. Sometimes I wonder if things will be okay. Some days I cannot put into words how I am really feeling and feel even more frustrated when I feel I have been able to explain myself; yet, I still feel misunderstood by others. I know that some days are not going to be easy, but I must not give up. I have hope. I am reminded in the simplest of ways by the universe that things are going to be okay and get better even when it may not feel like it in the moment. There are still things to look forward to even if life is not unfolding perfectly the way I want it to. I can still find the good in the bad, the light in the dark, the hope in the despair, and the courage in the fear. Since being in quarantine, I have come to learn that we still have a choice in how our day goes to an extent, and that we are not completely powerless. We can create moments of happiness and joy and uplift ourselves and others. I choose to focus on love and gratitude and remind myself as much as necessary that everyday is a gift and blessing no matter what is going on. Of course, some days it is still difficult for me to focus on the positive, and that is okay. It is okay to not feel okay, and it is okay to feel “negative” emotions. We are human. We will experience a whole rollercoaster of emotions, the highs and the lows, in our lives. To deny the negative is in some ways denying the positive because there cannot be one without the other in the truest sense of reality. There is so much more I could say, but I will end with this: YOU are the hope you need. You are worthy of being heard. Your feelings matter. Your mental health matters. Do not be afraid to help yourself and speak about your experiences with others. You may just help someone else feel less alone. Your life is worth it, and you deserve to live a good life. Do not give up. You are loved. ♥️

[intrawductions]

Mental Health Matters. Continue checking in on your mental health. Happy National Coming Out Day. Next Topic: Sexuality/Gender Roles. 10/11/2020 1 pm PST. https://www.instagram.com/p/CGNsurADOzi/?igshid=8eu0yuxwt6ip

[intrawductions]

Happy World Mental Health Day. . . . . #mentalhealth #rawtopics #mentalhealthawareness #raw #realconvo #mentalhealthmatters #emotionalwellbeing #safespace #empowerment #speakyourtruth #endthestigma #loveyourself #vulnerability #speakyourkind #stigma #intrawductions #tumblrblog #mentalhealthblog #wellnessblog #emotional #inspirational #truetopics #selfcare #psychology #endthestigma #imatter #wellness #selfreflection #worldmentalhealthday https://www.instagram.com/p/CGL2wRHDPZs/?igshid=19rv6wa1h1jhr

[intrawductions]

I think you all bring an interesting perspective to suicide. For a long time, I believed that people who committed suicide were cowards who just wanted to take the easy way out. I never understood why people wanted to end their lives. What could possibly be so painful that you couldn't get over it? How could you be so sad to the point where you don't want to be alive? I just didn't get it. With suicide and mental health being a huge topic nowadays, I found it harder to talk about it and ask questions about it. I was always too scared to ask people because I was afraid I would trigger something.

It wasn't until I met someone who was truly opened about everything they went through. I listened to their story, their pain, their struggle. It made me question the relationships I had and it made me think about whether I have ever caused so much pain to someone. I started thinking about the worse things that have ever happened to me and I realized that I have never gone through pain like this person has. Not to minimize the things I went through, but I have always been blessed with a good life. 

I'm not saying that I completely understand the mindset because I have never been there. But I acknowledged and am inspired by the strength these people have to keep moving on. 

I came to the realization that I was causing more pain by not asking questions. And it was then that I vowed to be an ally for these people and to stand by them and support them. I vowed to help them stand when they are feeling down. I vowed to be a crying shoulder, a supportive friend, someone who will hold them through their sadness. I realized that I was so naive to think that these people are cowards; they're not. They are some of the strongest people I have come across in my life. 

I speak to the writer who talks about their suicide attempts: I think suicide survivors are warriors. Despite what you might believe, there's a reason for you in this world. There's a reason why you didn't die those three times. You have a purpose in this world. While reading your message, I felt your loneliness and pain and I just want you to know that I am glad you are still around. Your story is an inspiring story. After three times of almost ending your life, you found the will the keep going and that is something that no one can take away from you. I am so blessed to have come across your story and I appreciate your honesty. Something that I will take away is to stop using those common phrases because you are right, I can't put a timestamp on people's problems.

Thank you for speaking about this and all of your perspectives. You all are doing a great thing for this world and I hope more people come across this blog. 

[intrawductions]

CC - Mental Health

Mental health. I don't really know what to write because I don’t really know what my thoughts are. What is mental health? My first thought when I think mental health is labels,restrictions, limitations, certainty. My second thought is possibilities, freedom, empowerment.

I believe we are responsible for our thoughts. I believe our reality is a reflection on what we choose to focus on.

If I choose to focus on my dad's death and see it as a loss as something that was robbed from me then I will feel sad. I can also focus on the blessing he was in my life and appreciate that he was part of my life. If I choose this I will have tears not of sadness but of joy. Same event, different perspective, different results.

Your brain doesn’t know the difference  between what’s going out there meaning the physical world and inside of you meaning your thoughts. Thoughts are so important they have such a huge impact on our everyday life. So just like we exercise every other part of our body we should exercise our brain with loving empowering peaceful thoughts. I think many times we want or crave a certain lifestyle but our thoughts contradict it. I know that this was the case for me.  As I learn more of the power of thought the more responsibility I take for my physical outcomes. I know that I have the power to create my own reality with thought alone. So why would I choose to have negative thoughts that bring me down . I don't choose to fill it with thoughts of gratitude possibilities and joy.

This is what I choose to believe in this is the kind of world I chose to live in. I am 100% responsible for my thoughts.

(1/3) - Mental Health

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FF - Mental Health

“Oh just pray to God and Jesus and you will find the answer”  is the message I constantly heard during my earlier years. As a firm Catholic believer, I do not disregard the power of faith and trust in the Higher power – never have, never will. The values from His are deeply ingrained and instilled within me. Growing up in the Filipino culture of laughter and positivity, I see the importance of holding onto “the brighter side of life”. Retrospectively, I realized how this can put invisibility to people’s expression of feelings and thoughts, especially surrounding issues of mental health. Yes, having faith and optimism are two great protective factors in life but it may shun away from having such a platform to express and fully understand where someone is coming from.

Being a mental health professional and advocate, I am very big on visibility and understanding the underlying reasons behind people’s behaviors because, well, it matters. My experience of “not knowing what to do and how to deal with this discombobulation of range of emotions, I am feeling”, feeling alone and not fully feeling seen with what was going on, filled with anger, frustration - It was all a mess, felt like a mess, until I felt seen and recognizing that these feelings are all valid and realized that there is uncomfortability to talk about mental health.

Stigma – like, why do you have to talk to a therapist? Why do you feel the need to have these negative feelings? Just be positive. Just get over it. Still, there is still “hush hush” going around talking about mental health – uncomfortability to recognize and talk about it, the need to fix it right there right then, the need to brush it aside, or run away from it.

And that is my question – why is it difficult to talk about it for some? In my work, I would talk about “transparent communication” – the idea that we are all human beings, we have things going on, we have feelings, and we are here to recognize and put visibility to all the feelings – good, not-so-good, and everything else that is in between. Transparent communication – our thoughts and feelings cannot be seen by the naked eye. Sure, we can communicate with our non-verbals, assume what might be going on, jump to conclusions, but we can only do so to a certain extent without misconstruing what might REALLY be going on. I tell them - I can sit here for an hour in my session and say things that I think what my therapist would want to hear, say things are ok, fine, it’s working quite alright – but what would that do? Sure, it is easier to brush whatever within us is cooking, but what does that really do? Nothing. Another thing on our “pile brushed off aside to possibly deal with later.”

People are going to have judgements and may not fully understand – I’ve acknowledged that and I say to myself “so fucking what?” I am going to continue to show up for myself and people that I love and care about. I am going to feel those feels, welcome and sit with those thoughts as I challenge them, and do my damn best to be in check with my own mental health. I am going to continue to raise awareness about mental health and its importance. We are all human beings, we deal with things. We are entitled to our feelings (it’s what we do with it). It’s okay not to feel okay sometimes, and it’s okay not to have the answers all the time. Just like how we go to our doctors to check on our physical health, there should also be access to check in on our mental health without dealing with stigma surrounding it. Your voice, thoughts, feelings matter and we want to continue to utilize this platform to continue talking about these topics. So let me ask you: How are you, really?

(2/3) - Mental Health

[intrawductions]

NH - Mental Health

For as long as I can remember, I always felt like there was something wrong with me. I wasn’t like the other people my age. I didn’t belong, I didn’t relate, I knew I was different. For a long time, I didn’t have a name for what I was going through, for what I was feeling and thinking. To me, that was my normal. I believed that I was born to feel nothing but sadness and emptiness. I felt alone in the world and I thought that no one would ever understand what I was going through.

The beginning of my mental health journey started when I snapped at my peer mentor after he told me that he has noticed a major difference in my behavior. I was eighteen. I thought to myself: Who the fuck was he to tell me I've changed?! He doesn't know anything about me. I was so angry that I got up and stormed out of his office. I was done. I was done with the program. I was done with school. I was done with everything.

For a while, I was feeling like no one understood what I was going through. I was dealing with so many issues at home, work, homework, and a new environment. I felt very overwhelmed with all the changes in my life and when he told me that, I felt like dropping everything and leaving. I remember walking into a random classroom and just sitting there. He ended up finding me and when he did, I began to cry. And it was definitely not one of those quiet cries, oh no. It was one of those loud, snot-down-my-face cries. I remember feeling so stupid for allowing myself to cry in front of someone. But even with snot down my face, he sat by me and was there to help me through it. After what seemed like forever, he says, "I think you should see someone."

And it finally hit me. I have been waiting for so long to hear these words. I was never the person to take initiative, so to hear those words, I felt an immediate weight off my shoulders.

I began to see a therapist. I talked about everything that I had been through—the self-harm, the suicide attempt, the sexual abuse, the anger, etc.

And after many weeks of talking about my life, everything I have ever felt and thought suddenly had a name:

Depression. Social Anxiety. Post-traumatic Stress. Borderline Personality.

My journey with my mental health has been a rough one. I thought that finally having a name for my feelings and thoughts was going to help me better understand myself and it did, but it took a long time to get there. I started blaming everything on my diagnoses. I used my diagnoses as excuses to get away with things. It wasn't until I realized that in order to overcome everything, I had to keep talking. Just because I finally had a name to my feelings and thoughts, it didn't mean I should stop figuring myself out.

After a lot of self-reflection and counseling, I came to realize that I am not my diagnoses. Although mental health has been a constant struggle in my life, I will not allow myself to use my diagnoses as an excuse. On the contrary, I will use my diagnoses to connect and understand people. Of course there are days where getting out of bed seems like an impossible task. I try to be less hard on myself and allow myself to feel what I feel and use what I know to get myself out of it. And yes, sometimes it takes days, weeks, even months... but I know that at the end of it, I am a stronger person. I will continue to work on no longer letting my mental health stop me from figuring who I am. I will continue to share my story and my struggles in hopes of helping others along their mental health journey. Because after all, we all deserve to find that self-love no matter what you have been and/or are going through.

(3/3) - Mental Health

[intrawductions]

Next Topic - Mental Health

9/27/2020 1 PM PST

[intrawductions]

There are resources available. You are not alone. Next Topic: Mental Health. . . . #mentalhealth #rawtopics #mentalhealthawareness #raw #realconvo #mentalhealthmatters #emotionalwellbeing #safespace #empowerment #speakyourtruth #endthestigma #loveyourself #vulnerability #speakyourkind #stigma #intrawductions #tumblrblog #mentalhealthblog #wellnessblog #emotional #inspirational #truetopics #selfcare #suicideprevention #psychology #suicide #imatter #wellness #selfreflection https://www.instagram.com/p/CFoMthoDM1A/?igshid=10bsdtrs40hk

[intrawductions]

Your story is not over. . . . . #mentalhealth #rawtopics #mentalhealthawareness #raw #realconvo #mentalhealthmatters #emotionalwellbeing #safespace #empowerment #speakyourtruth #endthestigma #loveyourself #vulnerability #speakyourkind #stigma #intrawductions #tumblrblog #mentalhealthblog #wellnessblog #emotional #inspirational #truetopics #selfcare #suicideprevention #psychology #suicide #imatter #wellness #selfreflection #projectsemicolon https://www.instagram.com/p/CFoMIFCjIsA/?igshid=zco499mte502

[intrawductions]

Raise awareness. . . . . #mentalhealth #rawtopics #mentalhealthawareness #raw #realconvo #mentalhealthmatters #emotionalwellbeing #safespace #empowerment #speakyourtruth #endthestigma #loveyourself #vulnerability #speakyourkind #stigma #intrawductions #tumblrblog #mentalhealthblog #wellnessblog #emotional #inspirational #truetopics #selfcare #suicideprevention #psychology #suicide #imatter #wellness #selfreflection https://www.instagram.com/p/CFi0Rv-D2wd/?igshid=w708k9ylpcxv

[intrawductions]

CC - Suicide

The first time I ever had a conversation out loud about suicide was in my C&C class in CSUF. My professor ask the class if any one wanted to share what their thoughts on suicide were. I raised my hand and I said “suicide is a cowardly thing to do.” I said this with no explanation behind. My reasoning for this was based on my personal experience with my mother.  My mother after my father's death was consumed by alcohol and depression. I was woken up in the middle of the night with a call saying my mom was at the hospital she was okay. They just needed someone to pick her up.  I was confused, mad and worried all at the same time.  When I picked up my mom, I could tell she had been drinking. She was hysterical and would barely want to get in the car with me.  Luckily, I had my older sister there to help assist with her. As I was driving, my mom in the back seat was yelling and trying to open the door screaming she wanted to die and kill herself.  So this is why I had spoken about suicide as a cowardly thing.  More of my classmates started to share their point of view and I started to feel bad for what I had said out loud. Some of my classmates had been suicidal and the stories behind were out of a horror movie so it was so hard to digest.  I realized some people felt that this pain they felt at the moment would never leave and death was the only option.  It broke my heart to know and be sitting next to people who had felt this tremendous amount of pain.  Who am I to speak on this subject when I have never attempted suicided. I don’t know what to tell people when I hear their stories. Yes I have thought about it, yes I have felt pain but I don’t think I could ever injure myself.  I have thought about what it would be like to leave this world? I have a question: would people even miss me? Would anyone even know I was gone? I  know I just wrote that I have never been suicidal. Does just thinking about it put me in that category? I feel so confused just even writing all this now? When I say out loud the words  “I was suicidal” it feels so wrong and so not me.  What I know is that I would not like to see my family in pain worried about questioning themself. I could not do that to them. I love them too much to cause them such ache.

Writing this was so hard because I am so worried I don’t want to offend any one. I am afraid one word use incorrectly could offend someone. I am afraid to be judged on this topic. I am afraid that I might not sound like I have empathy. This is how I feel this is what I think I am doing my best with what I know. That is all I can do. When I know better than I can do better. 

Suicide 1/3

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-8255

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NH - Suicide

Let me start this by disclosing: 

The first time I attempted suicide, I was thirteen.

I tried again when I was sixteen.

My third and final attempt was when I was eighteen.

I am a suicide-attempt survivor.

My relationship with suicide is a personal one. It is one that I have tried many, many times to let go of but something always holds me back from completely letting go. 

First of all, I want to say that the saying, "Suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem" is absolute shit. I don't disagree with it at all but I cannot stand when people use that on someone who is going through a difficult time. I remember people using that saying around me repeatedly and I would get so angry. Who were they to tell me my problems will dissolve? You cannot tell me my problems were temporary because guess fucking what, it's been ten years and I still have the same problems. So temporary? I think not. 

It's hard for me to talk about suicide because I get it, I've been there. I understand what it feels like to think that things will never get better. I know what it feels like to be so desperate to stop feeling any pain. I understand what it feels like to have your demons tell you you're not good enough. I get it. I've been there.

At the time of each of my attempts, I remember feeling so alone in the world. I convinced myself that if I died, no one would care. I felt so robbed of my innocence and childhood, and ultimately, I think that's what got to me the most. For so long, I wanted to be like everyone else but I knew that I stopped being like everyone else at the age of four. 

I wanted to end my life because I felt very unworthy of living. I was keeping so many secrets and I was scared that people would find out what I was hiding. I wanted to bury my secrets with me for the sake of my family's happiness. I did not want them to find out what happened to me and if that meant ending my life, that's okay. I would do it...for them. 

If you would have told me fifteen years ago that I would still be alive, I would have never believed you. It's absolutely crazy to see how far I've come. I admit, there are times where I do think about how much I would just want to end things. Because yes, there are times where I believe this world has nothing else for me. But me, right now, couldn't ever possibly go through with it. 

After waking up after every suicide attempt, I would ask myself why. I would be so angry that I was still a part of this world. I just wanted to know why I was still around. I never really got my answer...until years later.

Two years ago, I got Rachel Miner (If you don't know who she is, please look her up. She is one of my biggest inspirations.) to draw my tattoo. To many people, it's a really shitty tattoo but to me, it means the entire world. It's a constant reminder to always keep moving forward and with my loved ones by my side, my story continues. 

You are not alone. Although it may feel like the world is closing in on you, there are people standing in your corner. There will always be other ways to deal with your issues and I hope that you don't let your sadness take over. If you feel like things are too much, reach out. No secrets are too much. Your story doesn't have to end. You are strong, you are beautiful, you are life... keep marching on.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-8255

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