#intrawductions

[intrawductions]

C.C. - Perception

The words I hear the most frequently are crazy and loud. I would say this is not just an opinion, it's a fact. I am loud and crazy—this is a big part of what makes me, me. Many people might be offended by these words but I am not because it's the power I give these words and not the power others put on them that counts how I take them in. Words are just words until we assign them meaning. That's when they have an impact on us. I surround myself with loving people, so I think that most of these people would say that I am a friendly and giving person. I am happy to hear these words because I strive to be a very welcoming person, and I love to give to others; it brings joy to my heart. I know I can not be liked by everyone and I am okay with that. I understand I am not everyone's cup of tea. There are those people who might find me annoying and I respect their opinion because they are entitled to feel whatever they want.  I hope that you all love and respect yourself and not fall victims of people pleasing. 

3/3 - Perception

[intrawductions]

N.H. - Perception

One of my biggest struggles was learning how to change the negative perception I had of myself. After going through many difficult situations, I thought very little of myself. I believed I deserved all the bad things that happened to me. I perceived myself to be a nuisance to my family and the people around me. I believed everything would be better if I wasn’t around. I hated everything about myself and often told myself I didn’t deserve happiness. Being around abusive people did not help. I started to believe them when they told me I was useless and I would never amount to anything. It was this negativity that brought me to the darkest point of my life.

It wasn’t until I started to surround myself with positive people that I started to change what I thought about myself. People started to acknowledge qualities that I didn’t see in myself. My newly found friends helped build me up and constantly complimented me. They showed me that I was worthy. With their help, I started to hate myself less and realized that I had a purpose. It took me a long time but it finally hit me: my negative perception of myself and the world was not and did not have to be my reality. Just because people think of me a certain way, it doesn’t mean that it’s true. And just because I see myself a certain way, it doesn’t mean it’s a reality. 

So, what’s my perception of myself now? I am a worthy person. I am a smart woman who deserves the good things life has to offer. I value myself a lot more and I hold myself with high expectations. I stopped caring about what people thought of me and I started being someone I am proud of. I see myself as someone who is true to herself and although I am not a hundred percent, I know I am a lot closer than I was. I’ve come to learn that people will always see me how they want to see me—whether it be positive or negative—and I shouldn’t give their judgments power. I now see that there will always be negative people trying to bring me down but I have the power to ignore and keep doing me. And that’s my hope for you: I hope you are strong and loving enough to accept yourself for who you are regardless of what people think of you.

1/3 - Perception

[intrawductions]

Next Topic - Mental Health

9/27/2020 1 PM PST

[intrawductions]

F.F. - Patience

I would always hear my mother’s voice in the back of my head “patience goes a long way.” My young self’s inner dialogue goes something like: “why do I have to endure a lot? Why do I always have to be the one to be understanding? Why can’t I have the same opportunities? Why do I have to work harder? Life is not fair. This is frustrating. This is bullshit.

I say to my young self – You are right. Life may have felt unfair at that moment but it’s up to us on what we do with it, how we maneuver through it, and how we can make the most out of it – to challenge our own perspectives and find ways to achieve enrichment for our soul. Reflecting on such an egocentric thinking of this young self, I feel a sense of gratitude to be surrounded by people in my life that willingly demonstrated patience, endurance, and sacrifice in this ride called life.

Being the impulsive, antsy, solution-focused, action-oriented person that I am, I find myself to always be on the go, tackle a project after another, whatever that may be. Working in the mental health field and facing vicarious trauma, I find myself in the loop of emotional burnout. Being a first-generation immigrant, I find myself balancing between the values and traditions I was taught and accustomed with while accommodating this new world and ideologies as I navigate and find a life for myself.

Sometimes I find myself in such a discomfort, riding this emotional rollercoaster and at the same time wanting to pick a fight. I don’t know how to deal with myself and the bubbling sensation within. These are when I listen especially to that same voice - “patience goes a long way.” This time, I feel a sense of relief, being able to practice compassion towards myself and to others. I would have conversations pretending to be my 15 year-old me talking to my current me and telling her how amazed she is of the accomplishments, of the strength I pulled to be able to sit with the discomfort, of enduring life’s curveballs, and practice gratitude with everything that comes her way. 

I learned that tolerance is not a bad thing, to widen my perspective and stretch my understanding towards people, not to take things personally, smile off the frustration, to tame down my reactivity, that comparison is a havoc, recognize the feelings and what is coming up for me, share kindness and gratitude, to simply breathe it out, and sit with the discomfort just a little longer. It is still a continuous process – not an easy one - but I am learning from my old egocentric way of thinking that there is a pay-off, that there will be a time for everything, trusting the process, and patience indeed, goes a long way.

2/3 - Patience

[intrawductions]

N.H. - Patience

I never saw myself as someone with patience. I always wanted to get things done quickly. I did not appreciate waiting for other people because I felt like I was wasting my time. I was the type of student that would do the entire project because I hated waiting around for people. I did things on my own because I hated having other people slow me down. I wanted to get things done quickly and efficiently and I didn’t care if I had to do things on my own. 

As I grew to better understand myself, I realized that patience wasn’t the issue. The issue had always been my anxiety, fear of failing, and trust issues. When I finally realized this, I stopped taking control. Instead of taking over, I allowed myself to support others and help them instead of rushing them or doing things for them. By doing this, I started to slow down the fast-paced life I once lived and realized something important about myself: I enjoy teaching.

My biggest teachers in patience have been my students. As I started working in high-poverty neighborhoods, I came to learn that most of the students I came across were academically low and had different learning styles than what I grew up with. In the beginning, I would get frustrated because they would not understand basic concepts, such as: letters, numbers, simple addition & subtraction, etc. But as I continued to work with them, I started to learn more ways to teach them. I started personalizing my teaching to their needs. I stopped caring about the expectations and started catering to their needs. If they did not understand something, I would go back the next day and go over it a different way. And although we all got frustrated at times, we always came back and gave it another try...a different way. 

Now, as a Special Education aide, I find myself repeating the same sentence over and over again. I work hand-over-hand with students who have no idea what a tissue is. I use blocks, bears, flowers, steps, and pretty much anything else I can find to teach. I make picture schedules for routines. During recess, I’m looking for bugs and staring at clouds. I walk through the hallways with my students and say hi and smile to everyone I see. I blow bubbles to deescalate a situation. And when things get frustrating, we start talking about rainbows and unicorns. 

Because of my students, I started slowing down and seeing things in other people’s perspectives. Since I have started working with children, my life has slowed down significantly and I have come to learn about the importance of patience. 

Patience is giving yourself and others time and not caring about wasting time. As someone who lives their life in slow motion, I no longer have the eagerness to get things done and I just let things be. I don’t mind taking detours and if it takes a while to get to the final destination, I’m okay with it. I’ve come to appreciate having patience as it has taught me to become a better friend, teacher, and person. If things don’t get done, there’s always a tomorrow. In order to have patience, I allow myself to learn and feel the process and worry less about the final results.

3/3 - Patience

[intrawductions]

C.C. - Patience

When I describe to people my job they always comment how I must have such good patience.  I typically would not describe myself as a person with patience. The definition of patience is the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.

Me a couple years ago:  

So I ask myself am I okay with delay. No, I am not ok with delay. Time is the one thing you can not take back. When I am waiting on people I see it as a waste of my time. I have lost that time and they can not return it to me. So it makes me feel like I have been robbed of something precious. I get annoyed. I feel I've been taken advantage of. I get mad at myself for not speaking up for not putting an end to it. I get sad because I start to somehow correlate that to my self worth.  It's a very unhealthy cycle.  It drains my energy and it's exhausting. 

Me a couple months ago:

I discovered how to be an observer and a new concept for me. I am normally the attention, the performer, the person who takes part of the action. I have never been the person on the side watching. I didn't understand why someone would choose to be on the sideline and watch instead of part taking in the action.  The joy and the wisdom you gain as the observer is good enough to be on the sidelines.  And it was here where I realized how others have so much patience for me.  I saw how they inhaled and exhaled and patiently waited for me not just at a physical level but mentally as well. It takes me a while sometimes to process things. I saw the love in their eyes when I arrived. I felt the joy in their warm hugs and I heard the excitement  in their voices. 

Me right now:

I am a work in progress, sometimes I have patience sometimes I notice me losing my patience and others I just lose my  patience. I see the importance of patience. I see the impact of patience on my mental well being. I know correlate patience with love. This shift in perspective has made all the difference.

1/3 - Patience

[intrawductions]

What is patience for you? Where is your level of patience? 

[intrawductions]

C.C. - Privilege

I would like to say that we all have some kind of privilege, but I am not sure if that would be fair because I can't speak for all.

I am a first generation Mexican American. I am a dark skin female who has not always been proud of the skin color I was born with. I wasn't raised by both of my parents; my older sister took on that parent role for me. Both of my parents had to work two jobs to make ends meet. I grew up in a very low income community full of many first generation immigrants.  Many might say based on this small description that I was not very privileged. 

On the contrary though, I never grew up with this thought that I might have been less privileged.  It is  all about perspective and what you chose to compare yourself with, where you choose to put your focus on. Do you choose to focus on what you have or on what you do not have. 

I felt very privileged that I was able to get a free education unlike my parents. My mother left her house and her family when she was only 8 years old to start working and in hopes that this family she worked for would help her complete her education.  I always had a roof over my head and food on the table unlike my mother. She used to tell me stories of how when she was younger she had to go down to the river to get fresh clean water to drink. I never grew up having my own room as a matter of fact I grew up always sharing one bedroom with 5 of my siblings. I think this is what makes my siblings and I so close. We didn't have walls dividing us.  

I choose to see my privileges as a Mexican American. I choose to use my privilege to help those in need. I choose not to take for granted my privileges.

3/3 - Privilege