Gay and tired

[swarnpert]

can you take my white ass to funkytown

[jame7t]

nope. torture city again

[swarnpert]

come on

[the-mycelial-network]

@irisboxerboo @shadowhunter2182

[irisboxerboo]

no pls take jordan

[fullmetalfisting]

Me: *looking at a porcelain hand in the home decor aisle of a store* if I lost my hands in some kind of tragic accident, I’d decorate my entire home with hand-shaped things. Then I’d invite guests over for like, dinner parties and such and sit there expectantly just basking in their discomfort.

My boyfriend: Do you hear what you say when you talk? Do you know what you just said to me?

[bebemoon]

ughhh fine *experiences emotional growth*

[dragongirlbunny]

spells i should be allowed to cast:

clean object - removes need to shower, sweep, vacuum, etc.

short range teleport - no longer need to drive to the store (too far to walk)

penis deletus - quick & easy bottom surgery

speak with animal - so i can explain to my cat that assaulting laptops and eating tape is bad

conjure duplicate - for board game reasons

conjure duplicate - for sex reasons

greater baja blast - self explanatory

transfer migraine - lets be real my coworkers deserve it more than me

holy smite / wicked smite - i deserve to be able to smite people im not picky about who guves me the power

[curiosity-killed]

There are truly very few forces in the world as strong as the inertia of staying up way too late doing fuckall

[pukicho]

I stimulate the economy by tickling its scrotum

[knot-doing-it]

Why R you like this?

[pukicho]

Scrotum means balls

[chaumas-deactivated20240115]

you ever have “cry and scream yourself awake” level nightmares that are immediately the stupidest premises imaginable the moment you actually wake up

[afrosarah]

The last time I wailed “help, please, help me, heeelp” loud enough to have the whole house come running, it was because I was having a nightmare that I was in my laundry room, and out of the corner of my eye I witnessed a Snoopy stuffed animal slowly rise up on two legs, as if being manipulated by a ghost or perhaps made animate by a possessing spirit, and slowly start to dance the Macarena.

[chaumas-deactivated20240115]

I can’t stop thinking about this

[omnybus]

Eeeeeey macarena

[sufjanswidow]

if i was a laptop i think i would find it very easy to connect and stay connected to wifi but that’s just me

[imitationgod]

obviously im of the belief that labelling food abd the ingredients it contains as clearly as possible is really good practice, and i highly approve of it

but the specific sense of comedy thats invoked in you when you look at a dish that is almost entirely a certain ingredient and theres a little sign next to it that reads “THIS ITEM CONTAINS [INGREDIENT]” is something that cannot be ignored

[imitationgod]

little sign next to a tray of salmon fillets: THIS ITEM CONTAINS FISH

me, under my breath: yeah brother i sure hope it does

[cazort]

DRY ROASTED UNSALTED PEANUTS.

INGREDIENTS: PEANUTS.

CONTAINS: PEANUTS.

WARNING: THIS PRODUCT IS PROCESSED IN A FACILITY THAT ALSO PROCESSES PEANUTS.

[hollowboobtheory]

in the opposite direction is when you have no reason to believe x food would contain y and there’s a big thing saying “this item contains no y” like

[daily-spooky]

[flying-potato2]

[cupcakeshed]

Wait what the fuck

[roach-works]

it's cold out there, reblog to give a trans man a cup of soump

[natalieironside]

My bros deserve soup

[burnbrighterthanever]

And rb to give a trans woman a cup of hot chocolate.

[nuclear-mech-wizard-deactivated]

Reblog to give enbies a nice warm glass of apple cider

[thememedaddy]

[sindri42]

I understand that most of your calls can be resolved by telling the dumbass on the other end to plug it in properly, or maybe turn something off and back on again. But I, an advanced dumbass, have already tried that and I'm afraid it's worse than either of us thought going into this.

[lentilswitheverything]

Once had an IT guy tell me the only possible explanation was a localised black hole under my desk disrupting the space time continuum, and I've always been obscurely proud of having an error that severe, even though it definitely wasn't me creating localised gravitational anomalies

[bumblebeebats]

I once had a computer problem so weird that it was escalated through like 4 different tiers of Apple Care until I was on the phone with this incredibly earnest guy who told me [in the thickest Eastern European accent imaginable]: "Oh my God... This is so strange... Haha!! Oh my God!!! Charlie, I will tell you, I have never encountered anything like this in my seven years of working here! All my days are spent usually helping people with stupid nonsense, but Charlie, you have brought me a PUZZLE! You have brought me a GIFT! I am FASCINATED! Now, I am going to get my manager, but Charlie, I PROMISE you. I PROMISE YOU, I will be back soon. PLEASE, Charlie, stay with me, and I PROMISE I will return to you and my manager and I will take care of you. OK?" and yes thank you i did tear up

[teaboot]

You encountered I.T. Poirot

[thememedaddy]

[katatonicimpression]

Happy Partially Muscled Skeleton Stands By The Perimeter Fence And Screams For Thirty Seconds Before Vanishing day for all who celebrate

[thememedaddy]

[irisboxerboo]

@the-mycelial-network

[vikramsharma007]

[irisboxerboo]

@the-mycelial-network