it's the Beth blog ever

my blog, a home for my thoughts / currently living: Kuranda, QLD, Australia. from: Ventura, California. graduated from: San Franciso State University. studied abroad: Växjö, Sweden. lived in: Barcelona, Spain. digital nomaded in: Mexico

[itsthebethblogever]

How to Plan a Solo Trip

Dearest blog readers hello!!

It’s now been 12* years since I started this blog, inspired by leaving San Francisco State to study abroad in Sweden. While living there, I took my first ever solo trip to Croatia where the adventures began. That first experience taught me so much, from little logistical things like remembering to check how to get from the airport to the hostel before you arrive and realize your Swedish data plan is useless in Croatia, to learning that when a guy invites you back to his hostel to talk, it may actually mean he is going to take out his guitar to try and seduce you, to discovering you can count on your friend when you fall over your bike handles at 2am in the snow and she sings Beyoncé songs the whole walk home to keep our spirits up.

When you open yourself up to interacting with a wide breadth of humans in unfamiliar environments, you are actually sharpening your survival skills. We are a species that can adapt to different environmental conditions, learn to make new sounds to get the resources we want, change our appearance to camouflage into our surroundings or become accepted into a new tribe… these are no small feats. Traveling equips us with tools that empower us, knowing we are capable of taking care of ourselves and relying on our fellow humans anywhere we go. Reflecting back now makes me realize how much traveling has taught me, and I believe the times that have been the most impactful have been when I flew solo.

*Um! Newsflash! Actually this blog is 14 years old lol, I forgot I actually started it when I was 17 and went on a four week trip to the Czech Republic, Poland, and Israel with Reform Jewish high schoolers from all over the US! Hah! Crazy to think I made this when I was still in high school… glad that Tumblr has hung on this long. And that I have, too! Can I cite this as evidence that my commitment skills are outstanding? Lowkey I’ve been realizing that writing and traveling are two foundational passions of mine, so it’s about time I do something with this knowledge and love. Since my friendies often ask me for travel advice, I thought that answering questions I’ve gotten would be a good place to start. Then, by publishing it on my blog, I’d share something that would pass along lots of value, suss out y’all’s reactions, and toy around with the idea of getting professional in helping humans in their travel endeavors. Gotta throw out some seeds to see what grows!

In the spirit of giving others the inspiration to grow their own wings and fly, I have compiled a bunch of juicy information, tips, stories, and recommendations that will hopefully save you TONS of time, money, and stress. I have read countless other travel blogs to learn about specific destinations, what I should bring, where I should go, etc and continue to find such value in learning from the words of other real people. Now it’s time I add a contribution to the travel blog community that has helped me so much :-)

This particular entry is written for those who may be new to travel and may not even know where to begin. Furthermore, I believe this also absolutely has tips that even the most seasoned travelers could benefit from. Hell, I am still constantly learning and picking up new ideas from other travelers - I bet after my next trip I’ll have even more to add! There are suggestions relevant to both domestic and international travel, though most of my adventures have been abroad so that’s where my lens is most focused. Also, bear in mind that everyone has their own style of traveling, so if something doesn’t resonate with you, no wukkus! Take what is useful and leave the rest.

Thank you so much for reading 🙏 May the wanderlust be with you

First, Decide Your Inspiration - What Dream Do I Want to Come True?

Ideas that could lead you to decide to spread your wings could be:

Practice a language you’ve been learning

Eat / try a specific kind of food or drink (me in Oaxaca eating all the mole possible and here in Far North Queensland trying all the tropical fruit)

Go shopping for clothes/art/etc

Seek healing

Cultivate self-confidence, make new friends, expand your comfort zone, feel your feels after a big life event like a breakup/job change/death

Visit friends / family

Learn a new skill (ex - scuba diving, silver smithing, embroidery, meditating, salsa dancing, Muay Thai, surfing)

Develop an existing skill (ex - writing poetry, glass blowing, bouldering, running)

Obtain a certification (ex - yoga teacher training, vegan chef course, permaculture)

Visit your ancestral lands / site of religious/spiritual significance

Celebrate a holiday / birthday / marriage / promotion

Attend a music festival / concert / cultural event / parade / theme park

Run in a marathon / compete in a sports event / watch a sports event

Have encounters with X species in the wild

Participate in outdoor activities like hiking / backpacking / camping / rock climbing / skydiving / skiing / surfing

Do nothing / be / relax / take a nap every day / read

Volunteer

To give an example, I’ll walk y’all through what inspired me to go on my most recent getaway, a 12 day solo trip to Indonesia. Since I was little, Komodo dragons have been my favorite animal. As a dinosaur obsessed child, they seemed to be one of the closest things still living to their powerful reptile cousins. Then, one day after chilling at Trinity Beach here in Far North Queensland, my friends and I went to get a bite at a kebab shop. I started chatting with one of the women working there, who was from Indonesia also here on a working holiday visa, and I mentioned to her my dream to see the dragons which are only found in her country. To my delight, she said she had been there, told me how gorgeous the area is, and how cheap the flights are from Australia! Until talking with her, I had not realized how close the islands were to here and decided that this would be the year I make my long awaited pilgrimage to the Komodo National Park.

At the end of January 2025, I finished my 6 months working at Sprout, the cafe in Kuranda that counted to fulfill the visa requirement. My open schedule, hard earned savings, and the fact that many of my Aussie friends were flocking to Bali around that time all felt like signs that screamed “now! Do it now! Go do the thing!” (Apparently the signs weren’t very eloquent hahahaha) Plus! February is my birthday month. Plus! February means it is the low season in Asia. Because of the wet weather, it would mean there are less crowds and cheaper everything. Um, yes! She ain’t scared of a little rain. All you really need is a good poncho and waterproof shoes/sandals, and you stay dry no problem. Plus! That would mean all the foliage and views will be bright green, hydrated and full of life. Done. Decided. Yep. Now was the time.

As you can see, I had had long been dreaming of taking this trip, and there were a handful of events that acted as a springboard beckoning me to finally take the leap. Before booking, I did ask some of my friends to see if anyone was free to join me, but because they had work / didn’t have the savings / interest / passport / etc, I didn’t let a lack of company stop me. When you have a dream, you can’t wait on others to make it come true. Opportunity came knocking and I ran to the door to greet it.

Next to Ponder - When Do I Want This Dream to Come True?

Let’s start with… checking the weather! As I said before, I knew it would be the rainy season in Indonesia, and I decided I was okay with that. This comes from past experience having been to Vietnam and knowing that the downpours are usually short lived, so you can still go about your activities and just duck under cover every once in a while when the rain comes. However, if your dream is to spend hours on the beach reading your book and swimming, this would probably be annoying and you might want to consider going during a different time. Google searches for the average weather during the time you want to go can help you out, as well as asking friends who have been, or Reddit forums for advice.

Another consideration is… flight prices! The website Skyscanner’s flight price search tools are my ride or die. It has features that allow you to see a whole month’s prices or even just tell you the cheapest times to fly throughout the year. Oftentimes, leaving a day earlier or later than you envisioned can save you hundreds of dollars. Or, maybe you think you’re going during a non-popular time, and when you check the flights, they are way pricier than you imagined. You never know when a country might have a holiday, school vacation, or airline strike going on, so for these reasons - have a little peek before you go into full planning mode.

When you actually buy your plane tickets is also something to get a lil strategic about. For one - ticket prices can often be lower if you get them on a Tuesday or Wednesday, because algorithms. Then, if you are planning to go on an international flight, it’s best to book 2 - 6 months in advance. You will likely encounter surge pricing if you wait until one month before your int’l departure date to buy. With domestic flights, you have a bit more leeway - 1 - 3 months in advance is enough, with 1-2 weeks before being considered last minute. The more popular of a time you want to travel, the more expensive flights will be, so if you are going during summer months / Christmas time / New years, do everything you can to buy far in advance. That being said, I booked my Indonesian flights about two weeks before I left, and got an incredible rate. During low season, you can find sweet deals, so there are definitely exceptions to the rule.

Also, stuff you’d think is obvious but worth saying is… go when and where you can afford to go. If you have time off but not much savings, consider finding somewhere to volunteer, camping, or visiting a friend/family member you can stay with. That way, you can spread your wings without having to stress about money. It will be worth waiting, as vacation is a lot more fun when you can give yourself the experiences you want.

That being said - you can absolutely travel on a budget and have an incredible experience if you choose your destination right. Often times, the plane ticket is the most expensive part of the trip. Depending on where you go, you can easily find accommodation for less than $10/night, meals that cost $2-3, and public transit for less than a penny. Even when I road tripped up the east coast of Australia, I was volunteering at festivals (ConFest lasts about a week and is an all volunteer based festival, the biggest in Australia), an eco yoga retreat center on a Hare Krishna community called Krishna Village (ended up staying there for 2 months, such a beautiful community), attending Vipassana silent meditation retreats (see my 2 blog posts on this, they are free with the option to donate at the end), and staying at free campsites (shoutout to WikiCamps and CamperMate apps that helped us find sites and showers). How you travel makes all the difference, so this is where if you invest some effort in finding out these hidden gems, you’ll be rewarded with much more than free accommodation.

Don’t book everything in advance! Give yourself days without any plans.

What? Why wouldn’t I? Well, once you’re there, it’s easy to meet people and get recommendations about where to stay, what to see, etc that you cannot find online. This also means you can find better deals on accommodation you stumble upon, tours booked with a group, etc. Also, you may end up falling for a town you thought you’d only want to spend a day in, so having the ability to stay extra nights without losing on cancellation fees will make your future self happy.

It’s so important to leave space to allow yourself to be spontaneous. Trust me - far more stories begin with “I had no idea any of this existed” / “I did not expect to do X, and it was the highlight of my trip” than “I’m glad I planned everything in advance because the options I found online were all the best”. Nah, mate. There’s a whole myriad of experiences that do not make their way onto websites, and shouldn’t, anyway. Finding your own adventure is part of the fun.

If you rush around your whole vacation from this tour to that town, you’re going to come home feeling like you need a holiday from your holiday. I remind myself that the magic happens in the in between, in the unknown, when you take your hands off the reins and see what destiny decides to gift you. Some of my favorite travel memories have happened from spontaneously agreeing to go to a monastery in the mountains that was my taxi driver’s favorite nature spot in Cholula, Mexico, from taking a day trip to the Alps in Austria with a group of backpackers I met in the hostel because there was a discount to buy train tickets with a group of minimum eight people, or when I rented a scooter and rode around Bali, stopping whenever I came across a rice paddy (lol originally spelled that “patty” hahahaha just learned why that’s wrong) or temple that caught my attention. None of those memories I could have ever imagined, and they leave me with a feeling of wide eyed wonder that there are so many corners of the Earth we cannot see on Tik Tok. We have to go out there ourselves, chart our own ship, and discover our own personal treasures.

Plan a rough itinerary

After all that, I do definitely recommend booking at least your first night’s accommodation, especially if you are flying in and you get in late (as most cheaper flight tickets tend to arrive on the later side). Once you get more comfortable traveling, you might even decide to skip this, like I did on my trip to Guatemala. I had decided to let everything up to fate and plan absolutely nothing in advance. Lil story time! On the bus ride from San Cristobal de las Casas, Mexico to Lake Atitlan, Guatemala, I ended up chatting with a guy from Mexico who goes yearly to the area and had a friend who rents rooms. Upon arriving at the lake, he showed me into this quaint residential compound where we shared the space with local families and their chickens, doggies, and plant pets. We paid around $5 USD for the night and though the shower was cold, my heart was warm.

Another thang is, it’s a good idea to get an idea of what experiences you are interested in and the places you want to see. If you know you want to go to a certain cave that is only accessible when water levels are low enough, make sure you give yourself extra days in that area in case there are unexpected rains that cause tours to be cancelled. Same with areas only accessible by boat - I almost had a heart attack when texting one of the scuba course companies, I found out all boat navigation was restricted in the Komodo National Park just days before I was to arrive. Because of that hot tip and the flexibility allotted to me since I had not booked my flight from Bali to Labuan Bajo, I stayed an extra day in Bali. There, I could explore the city in the rain and allow time for the storms to cease. Luck does play a part in this, but if you are strategic and flexible, you can weigh the odds to be more in your favor.

One other recommendation is to surf the internet - aka the modern travel agent - for golden nuggets. To begin, I always start with good ole Trip Advisor. This website offers lists of top attractions in the area, restaurant recommendations separated by budget, and reviews from other travelers. Then, I’ll hop onto Reddit to add more spicy perspectives to the more vanilla-esque Trip Advisor reviews. What I love about Reddit is that people will often share their itineraries and ask for recommendations about how many days to spend in a place, what experiences are worth it or too fake and offer a more authentic alternative, etc. You can find a sub-Reddit for pretty much every major city in the world, where both locals and tourists will go to discuss topics relevant to the area. Another good one is Time Out, which comes in clutch to find cool events, especially in Europe, plus food place reviews. My feel is they offer more of a real, by the people for the people style of writing. Finally, a Google search for the town/area will usually bring up travel blog articles on the subject. This is another great first hand perspective to gather tips (which you’d hope I’d say, given as you’re reading my travel blog, hehe) that are unbiased. Only thing to be aware of is there are some blogs that get sponsored by whatever product/agency, which they usually have to disclose upfront.

Theeeen, the greatest, most reliable, incredibly rich and in depth travel books are made, in my opinion, by the Lonely Planet. 10/10 recommend getting your paws on a book of wherever you want to go. There are books on an entire country, some of just a city, others of a whole region, and they even have one of the World. Nuts, right?! They give you the gooood tips on EVERYTHING - culture, history, hotels, food, DIY walking tours, maps… Honestly so worth it. Check out secondhand book shops to see if you can find an used copy, ask around to see if any friends might have one to lend, or just get your own. Happy reading!!

Getchya self a travel credit/debit card

Before you wreck ya self with foreign transaction fees. These sneaky little buggas are 1-3% fees that banks charge when you make a purchase outside of the country, including if you shop online at an international store. For example - the $9.82 açaí bowl I got in Bali had a second transaction of $0.29… le cursed fee. This stuff adds up. I had not thought about this before my most recent trip, because it was my first time traveling abroad since I moved to Australia. I do have a travel credit card, but it’s linked to my US account that I’m not getting paid into, so I didn’t want to drain my US dolla dolla bills then have to transfer AUS dolla dolla bills, etc etc. My Aussie debit card is just a plane Jane card, so it wasn’t until I looked at my account history and realized - ah fack, this is why I got that travel card in the first place. But, never fear! There are a few options to avoid this, which I will outline below.

There are three ways to go about dodging les fees, in my opinion. First is - if you are frequent traveler, it could be a good idea to get a travel credit card designed for your lifestyle (lol, sounds so posh). The main perk of a travel credit card are that you will not pay any foreign transaction fees. And, with some that have rewards plans, every time you buy something on the card that is a travel related expense - such as hotels, flights, eating out - you get points redeemable for cash or for discounts. Yay for adult games! Fortunately for me, I got this as my second credit card ever, in preparation for when I studied abroad at the age of 19. Mine is the Bank of America Travel Rewards card, and it has served me well. Now, it is the only credit card I have active and plan on keeping it that way. In the end, I did use this card a bit on my trip, but again, I avoided spending much because it would mean having to transfer money to my US bank from my AUS bank, and that is a bit of a schlep.

Which brings me to another option I wish I had remembered before I left - use a ‘multi-currency’ or travel debit card, like Wise or Revolut! These are websites I have used many times to do money shuffling from one country’s bank account to another. Once you make an account, you can link your bank from your home country to whatever countries you may want to visit/live, and have them all into one place. Then you can transfer money from, for example, your US account, convert it into Mexican pesos, and create a Mexican account through Wise to then pay people in Mexican pesos. This saved me having to ask my US bank to transfer money to a Mexican account to pay rent when I was living there, which would have required forms and fees every time. It’s worthy to note that Wise and Revolut still do charge the mid-market fees for doing these transfers, but to me, the fact they make it so easy for the user to initiate everything rather than wait on banks/have to go in person/fill out forms/etc, made it a way more convenient option.

Aaaand now I realized I went off track a bit, but I do think for those unfamiliar with these sites, it will give you context to help understand. The reason I mention Wise and Revolut is: “If you load money onto your Wise or Revolut card in the local currency of the country you're spending in, you won’t have to pay foreign transaction fees. To avoid foreign transaction fees, just pre-load your account with the currency you'll be using. Wise is generally better if you want the best exchange rates anytime, while Revolut is good if you stay within the free exchange limits on weekdays.” - chat GPT answer. There ya go, option number 2.

Thirdly and finally, you have the good old fashioned cash is king option! If you withdraw a bunch of money from an ATM once you arrive (from your own debit card or by loading your Wise/Revolut card), or bring your local currency to convert in the airport/etc, of course you won’t get charged foreign transaction fees! One tip if you plan to withdraw money from an ATM - try to pick one that doesn’t seem sus, and preferably travel with a minimum of two debit cards. You never know when an ATM might eat your debit card, like it did when I went to the UK for the first time. After arriving to London, I went to pull out money from an ATM outside the train station, and the machine went “cheers mate, that’s my favourite flavour!” And would not spit it out. Thankfully, I was visiting friends almost that entire trip, so I was able to ask them to take money out for me, etc, but it was a pain to then have to get a replacement card sent to me in Europe. C’est la vie!

Another couple notes about carrying bills - When my former partner and I went to Vietnam, we opted for the take out cash in bulk option to not only avoid fees, but alsooo to help us with budgeting. That way, we could see ‘ah dang we’re getting to the end of the envelope, let’s slow down on tours/shopping/eating’, or whatever. FYI - buying matching banana print outfits was priceless. Reflecting on other benefits of using dolla dolla bills opens up a can of worms, so I’ll just plug another few reasons:

allows small businesses to avoid bank fees

markets/street vendors/taxis may only accept cash/offer a better price when paying cash

comes in handy in case there are power outages (this happened often to me in Mazunte, Puerto Escondido, and San Jose del Pacifico, small towns in the Mexican state of Oaxaca that had fragile power systems, easily damaged in high winds & rains. No paying for food by card or tattoo appointments if there is no electricity!)

Hope you profit from my two cents! ;-D

Consider if there are any life admin type tasks known for being good to do in your destination

Depending on where you live, there could be certain things that are cheaper/faster to do when abroad. Also, according to a chap I recently met in Bali from New York, he was mentioning even in the US, some states are easier to get appointments in than others. So, even if you’re traveling domestically, there could be benefits to life admining when you go somewhere cheaper/more rural/etc, Consider researching things such as -

Health appointments - general medical check up, dentist, dermatologist, bloodwork, specialists visits that don’t have a long wait list or require a doctor’s referral, chiropractor, acupuncture

Beauty treatments - hair implants, tattoo removal, massage, facial, spa

Centers that offer detox programs, cleanses, body work, nutritional programs, fasting assistance, rehab, personal trainers

Speciality material items - tailored clothing, jewelry, custom shoes, art

In considering the quality of care in other countries, you can expect that any major city will have private hospitals/clinics that cater to expats (international people that live in another country) or wealthier locals. Meaning, the staff, technology, and facilities will be of a higher standard than if you were to seek treatment in a foreign country’s public system or in rural areas. As always, having a little peek down Google lane to vibe check the reputation of a facility or a region could be worth it.

To give some specific examples of health life admin I got done when I was in Bali, I got a skin cancer check for $50 (Australian price would be around $140), a teeth cleaning for $60 (in Australia it’d be around $200), and a brain scan. In reference to the latter, I got to book an appointment directly with the neurologist, who after our consultation did not feel a scan was necessary, but if I wanted to I could get one. For personal reasons I felt a scan would allow me to be absolutely sure about the health of my brain, so I paid $340 for both the consultation and the MRI. Here in Australia, I would have had to book an appointment with a GP first (around $100) to get a referral to see a neurologist. Then, a consultation with a neurologist would have been around $300 (and who knows how long it would have taken to wait for an appointment to open up), then finally the MRI would have set me back approximately $500. Skipping all of the hurdles of systems and steps and blah blah blahs meant I could get exactly the attention I wanted.

I’m of the belief that we are the ones who know our bodies best, and while it is of course valuable to consult professionals… if you have an inkling that you want something done that a doctor may say isn’t necessary - we should have the right to do it. Thankfully, in case y’all were wondering, the scan came back with no signs of abnormalities, except an inflamed mastoid bone resulting from the pressure and water affecting my ears during scuba diving. Let’s call it a pricey souvineer picture ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

One last little flavor of insight I will offer for your tasting - Personally, I love having an excuse to walk through different areas of the city to get to the various offices and hospitals that otherwise I would not have seen. It fills both my adventure cup and my self care cup at the same time. This way of life admining feels a lot better than squeezing in appointments at home during a busy work week, and it can save hundreds of dollars and hours of precious time. It’s a win win win situation!!

Phone data plan

The question rings - Will you choose to disconnect and just use the WiFi at your hostel/cafes/etc, or do you want to get a data plan?

Reasons to not get a plan:

Be more present - notifications distract you and may take away from your experience

Rely on your memory, strangers, or physical maps to get around or get recommendations. Instead of making every decision based on the number of reviews a restaurant has, ask a stranger for their favorite spot and maybe gain a new friend! Or, use your eyes to see what street food stand seems to appeal to you most and try something you’ve never heard of before! Also, you can be open to what surprises you may find while you get lost - one of my favorite pastimes :-D

Download the areas on your maps app before you leave Wifilandia if the only thing you feel you want data for is getting around. You’ll still be able to see where you are on gps even without internet, just might not be as precise

Not financially worth it if you will only be in a country for a short amount of time. Nowadays, it is so common to find places with free WiFi, so if you ask around or sus out the area yourself, you can decide whether or not it feels necessary

Reasons to get a plan:

Safety :-) You never know when you may need to call for help in an emergency. If you plan on going out late and want to order an Uber to get back/walk home, being able to call someone/emergency services will act as a reassuring backup

Language barrier bridger - If you feel like you won’t be able to communicate/ask for what you need in the local language, having the ability to use a translator app will definitely help. Though, in my opinion, playing communication charades is one of the most fun parts of traveling. // I’ll also drop a gentle reminder to please not expect everyone to speak English/your native language/etc. Remember to consider that access to education is a privilege and may not be on the top list of everyone’s priorities. Learning to say a few words in the local language is a great way to show you are a conscious traveler!

Catch up with loved ones while on a walk or chilling in a non-WiFi area

Decide where to eat/go based on reviews. As a foodie, I take every opportunity to eat sacredly, so I appreciate the ability to see if there’s a hole in the wall a few streets away from the main road that Anthony Bourdain rated as the best bahn mi. Or, maybe you follow a special diet and have just 20 minutes before your train leaves so you need that info fast

If you’ve decided you want to get a plan, another element to consider is from where you will purchase it.

Airports: Sometimes the official provider stores at airports offer the best deals for SIM cards. There, the prices should be standard so you don’t have to worry about potential scams. Plus, you’ll have internet as soon as you arrive, making ordering an Uber to your hotel etc super convenient. // lil tip ~ lots of airports don’t allow Uber/rideshares to come into their pickup/drop off areas, probably because taxi drivers have protested the competition. Instead, you can walk for a bit to get outside the main airport area, then order your Uber there.

Supermarkets are another good places you can buy a plan from, such as Aldi in Australia and Target in the US. They often have pay as you go plans you can buy in the gift card section or near the cash registers that are easy to set up and work with the major phone companies.

Vendors/stalls in the city would be the last option of where to buy a SIM card that I’d recommend. Something to be aware of about this option is the chance you get a marked up quote because the stall holder can tell you are a tourist and don’t know any better. That, however, can be easily avoided if you simply ask around at a few places to compare, then make a decision depending on what is the best deal. A pro for this option is convenience, cuz if you’re like me, you want to decide after a bit if you actually want a plan or not during the first few days of getting to know the area. During this time, you can shop around a bit and find out from others where they got theirs and what they paid. She loves a good hunt :-D

Finally, find out if your data plan will cover you for all the places you plan on visiting. In Europe, whatever data plan you get should work in all EU countries. In Indonesia, however, some data plans will only work in Bali, and the other islands require a different plan. If you will be going to the US and Mexico, inquire if your company will work in both countries. Ah, yes, and MAKE SURE YOUR PHONE IS UNLOCKED! If you’re not sure and want to check, this explains how. Sometimes when you buy a phone, it’s locked by the provider to only accept SIM cards from their company. If you don’t check this and your phone is locked, this means your phone will not work with any foreign SIM card - it’ll reject it faster than your middle school crush did that one dreadful day after gym class. Don’t let that happen to you again - set yourself up for success and give your magic rectangle a little check up.

Safety tips

One of the first things I do when I get to a new place is ask the locals about how safe it is. My personal advice is to not let a random Karen/Chad’s review of a place from 2018 saying how uncomfortable they felt on a bus infuse you with fear. Places are always changing - sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse - and you need to get the most up to date information. Here are some questions I would ask to, for example, a staff member working in hostel reception: Is it okay for me as a solo woman to walk home at night? In all areas or just some? What’s the best method of transportation - public transit, taxi, Uber, Grab? Is public transit safe both during the day and night? What time do buses/trains/etc run until? Are private taxis safe? How much should I expect to pay? Do I need to pay in cash? Is there much crime in the area? Who is it directed towards - gang members, etc or tourists? Can I drink the tap water? What are the police like? In reference to the latter, it’s good to know if bribes will be expected from authorities if you’re caught doing something you shouldn’t. Or, on the flip side, if you need help from police but they aren’t offering, it may be because they’re expecting a bribe, then they’ll help. Shitty, but that’s the reality in some places. I have a wholeee insane story about getting my bag stolen at a sketchy club in the outskirts of Mexico City, that when I look back, I’m pretty sure it was all a set up to get money out of an unsuspecting gringa. I could have saved myself hours of my life if I had offered the cops some pesos; but also, if you want to resist giving in to that corrupted system, stand by your values. Unintentionally, I did that, and miraculously ended up getting my bag back anyway. Hope for the best but expect the worst!

In general, it’s a good idea to try to not call too much attention towards yourself. I feel this is overall good traveler etiquette, not just for safety reasons, but also to remember that you are a guest in a new culture. If you stomp around town dripping in bling, loudly asking for an English menu, chugging jugs of sangria, and baring your skin to the gods, you are making yourself an easy target. I am absolutely pro dress how you want, as well as pro take full responsibility for yourself. When in Rome, do as the Romans do. Be observant and open to modifying your behavior in little ways so that you can respect and understand the place you are in more intimately. This could mean taking your shoes off before entering a shop, learning when tipping is appropriate, covering your shoulders/knees, etc. If you want to get drunk/alter your reality, consider going out with a sober buddy, let someone know where you will go and what time you will text them letting them know you made it home safe, and always keep an eye on your drink. There are heaps more good people in the world than bad, so if you ever have a funny feeling about any situation, tell someone and get help.

It should also go without saying that you should keep your good habits even if you are in a place where standards are lower. Like - do not chuck your trash/cigarette butts on the street, eat meat that looks questionable, or skip wearing a helmet or safety belt. Another thing I’ve begun to do now is bring my essential reusables - water bottle, mug, bag, and a spoon. Always carrying a reusable water bottle is something I believe is important every day, and even more so when traveling and can’t be sure when the next chance to hydrate yourself will be. The mug came in handy not only as a way to keep my tea warm poolside, but also to use as a bowl when I went on a trip that asked us to bring our own breakfast and had no dishes.

Keep copies of all your travel documents (passport, license, photo ID, travel insurance, etc) digitally and physically, and backed up on a cloud service. This will help in case you get something stolen/lost.

Anecdote time! When making a police report after getting my phone stolen in Mexico City, they asked for a physical copy of my passport, which I didn’t have, and of course they didn’t have a printer I could use. This meant I had to go on a mission to find a photocopy place in a rough area of the city. The shop the police directed me to was closed, so then I asked people on the street if there was another place (which was easy enough since I speak Spanish, otherwise you’d have to wait and find someone English speaking. Or play communication charades!). Luckily, there was another shop, but my directionally challenged ass had to remember the instructions given to me without having a phone’s map to follow. Twenty minutes and a couple more helpful strangers later, I found the place, a shop selling miscellaneous paper goods, which I would never had known offered a photocopying service from the outside. Accomplishing a task you’d expect to be simple in your home country can be surprisingly challenging in foreign lands.

Also! BACK UP ALL YOUR PHOTOS! Always! And make sure you sync your library as often as possible (preferably automatically when connected to WiFi)! Yes, this advice is coming from personal experience. When my phone was stolen in Oaxaca (for a second time, within a week of getting my replacement phone out of Mexican customs…dios mio), I realized too late that I hadn’t synced my pictures to my Google photos account. This made me decide to switch to Apple’s iCloud service, as it would automatically back up my iPhone’s pictures whenever I was on Wifi. Google Photos should have done that, as that’s what I had set it to on the app preferences; however, for whatever reason, it only would if I had the app open. RIP to the scenery and selfies photos lost to the abyss.

Overall, stay street smart, trust your gut, and party responsibly.

Packing time!

My mom passed down her organizational queen skills to me and now it is time I gift this wisdom unto the world.

Overall, the name of the game is to categorize your stuff! If you travel and don’t use a million different little bags to hold your sleep stuff, shower stuff, underwear stuff, etc, how do you even function? Even if you carefully fold everything into your suitcase, this will all go to shit when you have to take everything out to find your (insert random small item here). By putting things into toiletry/drawstring/tote/etc bags, you can instead just think “ok, my eye drops are in the blue bag, just gotta grab that” and save yourself so much sweat. This also goes with how I pack stuff in - tops all grouped together, as well as bottoms, socks, swimsuits, etc.

If you’re checking a bag, it’s a good idea to pack a change of clothes, a toothbrush, medication, and whatever else you may need in your carry on, in case your checked bag gets lost. Imagine getting to your hotel without your main bag - what would you like to have? I bring something to sleep in, a change of clothes for the next day, and other hygiene products.

On the plane carry-on essentials:

eye mask

headphones and/or earplugs

WARM CLOTHES BECAUSE THEY KEEP IT FRIGID AF - I almost did not make it through a flight because I forgot to pack a pair of socks. Do not underestimate how cold they keep it in the five miles high club

snacks - nuts, dried fruit, gum (which chewing also helps move your jaw around and equalize the pressure change!), granola bars

reusable water bottle - empty it before going through security, then fill it up at a water fountain or cafe once you’re past it. It’s easier to get dehydrated on a plane due to the lower humidity

phone with pre-downloaded music/podcasts/shows - I love having various Miracle Tones binaural beats to help me sleep. Also, some planes have USB inputs for you to charge electronics, so chances are if you’re on a long flight/in a newer airplane, you can bring your charger cables and keep yourself juiced up

whatever you like to have to entertain yourself - books, friendship bracelet string (my personal fav plane activity, pairs perfectly while listening to a podcast), journal, coloring book, postcards to write, etc

a black or blue pen! There is this hilarious moment where in international flights, they pass out the customs declarations to everyone on board, people forget about them until we’re about to land, then heads start turning like a dog chasing a fly to find the few existing pens fellow passengers lend out to the masses. People get their knickers in a twist cuz they waited until the last minute and start frantically scribbling down their details while the next person in the row eyes their pen, waiting for the very instant they finish to do the same. Don’t be like all these Panicky Patricks. Be a Prepared Peggy and bring a pen.

In your packed bag:

Scissors! Just your every day average pair of scissors. Anytime I don’t pack scissors, I end up needing them. And whenever I do pack scissors, they come in soo handy, for things like opening those ridiculous clam shell packaged stuff, clothing tags, spontaneous urge to craft, rope... Trust me, just pack em

Alternative to or in addition to scissors suggestion - mini Swiss Army knife. My dad gave me one that I keep on my keychain (which should be taken off before security, even though many times I’ve forgotten and it wasn’t noticed) and it has scissors, a blade, tweezers, a nail file, and a toothpick. One of my absolute favorite material possessions. Dads know.

Additional reusable goodies, such as: a mug, utensils, a straw, a bowl, bags, makeup remover pads

Universal travel adaptor! That is, if you plan on traveling outside of your home country/to countries that have a different power outlet. Highly recommend investing in one of these, so that no matter what country you go to, you can charge your electronics.

Alrightey mates, we did it!

Our bags are packed and the adventure awaits! I hope this post leaves you feeling inspired and prepared to go somewhere new and discover parts of the world - and yourself - that bring more love and happiness to your life. Feel free to reach out to me with comments, suggestions, or questions related to this post and I will be happy to answer ya.

With love,

Beth 🦋

[itsthebethblogever]

Roasting the people of an Ubud, Bali healing foods cafe

Y’all, I got myself cracking up writing this one hahahahaha please enjoy

Observations and feelings of the people of the Ubud, Bali healing foods cafe

[itsthebethblogever]

Would life be easier as a cockroach?

My days would be spent dipping, diving, and digging into whatever treasure trove I sniff out, feasting on delights forgotten, unprotected, left for those brave enough to pounce at the opportunity. No cooking, gathering, working, speaking, bartering… only pleasure seeking and swift scuttling.

Would the purveying pattern of fear/disgust upon being seen rattle my spirits or fuel my fire? Maybe the reason so many of us avoid cockroaches like the plague is rooted in deep admiration of their relentless ability not only to survive, but thrive. I mean, in the year-long lifespan of a cockroach, a female can give life to 200-300 children. Get it, gurl.

Could we be envious of their lifestyles?

They are never afraid of being judged, charging without hesitation, into the dirtiest, most dark and foreboding environments, without ego or regret, to unearth buried gems. Full, fierce, flights of freedom. They are courageous, continuing an ancient tradition of a passion to create, mercilessly multiply their DNA, to expand their Ancestral lines.

Pious preservers of their life force at any cost. While cleaning up the mess of others, never expecting to be thanked.

Built to withstand any element, temperature, height, sight… equipped for it all. And yet, we only want to see them fall.

Down with the cockroaches of society. Those that exist from the waste and unwant of others. Others. Separation. You against them. Are they against us? Or simply living, coexisting, out of our way, hidden, maintaining and respecting this invisible border between our worlds?

Have I ever seen a roach insist on spending the night cuddled beside me in bed, to seek comfort and warmth, to enjoy the feeling of its smooth exoskeleton rubbing against the soft undertow of sheets and blankets? In the past, I have welcomed cats and dogs as bedside company, as well as human friends and family… but a cockroach? No. It feels more distant to imagine a roach sitting still at all. Instead, the memory movies in my mind recall mainly scenes of the insects making a bee line for a hole in the wall to disappear into, a preferable state than spending one more millisecond under my watchful, accusatory eyes.

They get out of the way.

And never for a moment seek out human interaction or affection.

We love those who seek to love us.

We love those whose lips burst into blossoming, beaming grins like a flower’s petals awaken with the daylight when they see us, as suns.

We react to others as they react to us.

We are mirrors.

Monkey see, monkey do.

If cockroaches ran, skipped, hopped towards us instead of fleeing, would we begin to change our minds? What if we welcomed their antennae as a tickling embrace of affection, like the delicate touch of a kitten’s whiskers? What if we traced and petted the outline of their pebble-like outer shield, admiring the patterns and grooves of their skin, cool to the touch of our toasty fingers?

Is it because it is nature? Not in our nature, or in their nature, to play this role? Are roles permanent, unchangeable, irreversible? Is one entire species doomed to be hated unconditionally without a doubt or even a chance?

What if we applied that same logic to our brothers and sisters?

Are some born as a cockroaches, cursed to be exiled and excommunicated for all of eternity? What if that was you? Or me? What if that’s how others see me? Maybe not all others, maybe not all the time, but in doses… I do feel like that, sometimes, by some people. Do they want to go running for an aerosol can to cover me in a paralyzing, toxic cloud of a death potion when they see me? But, they cannot, as they would face the consequences imparted upon them from other humans. Is avoidance of judgment or imprisonment my saving grace? Is that all that saves us? Fear of being locked away?

I wish it wasn’t.

I wish people acted from fear of getting farther away from love.

I wish people acted from love. Not from fear.

I wish we would be inspired to take actions depending on maximizing the feeling of love to as many beings as possible.

Imagine taking that first step outside the door frame of your home, prepared with all your trinkets of the day, ready to blast off into space in a car or a bus or a train to your place of employment, or wherever you spend your days, imagine this moment of being almost ready to leave… when you stop.

Suddenly.

You stop.

You pause. Your forward momentum in a temporary freeze, because you almost forgot to ask yourself the most important question of all, to properly prepare yourself for the day -

Am I ready to spread love?

The most massive, burning, lightest, purest love I can possibly imagine today? What else can I do to minimize suffering?

Did I leave behind my cup of coffee? That helps increase my energy, which allows me to deliver the most potent form of my magic in the world. So, in this case, no. I am not ready to spread love.

Did I remember to bring back the ring my lover left on the nightstand from when they were reclining beside me in the safety of my abode? No. That would be a missed opportunity to make my lover feel cared about. So no, I am not ready to spread love, I will go back and retrieve that ring.

Did I remember to take a moment to breathe and feel gratitude for being given another opportunity to experience another day of being alive? No, I almost left without taking a moment to breathe. To stretch. To feel. To love. Take a moment, if only a moment, to come back to love.

Send that to yourself. A message to your heart.

I love you.

I love you today and we will try our best.

Because first, it is all about us. You. I. Start with yourself, and then reach for more. Because we exist in a World Wide Web of connections.

We are all connected.

Ourselves to our neighbors, our pets, our plants, our air, our cockroaches, our Earth. And the way things are depends on how we act.

And everything can change.

Everything is always changing.

So let’s have it change for the better. Look to love. To notice the big and the small. To surf with the rise and the fall. To try and love it all.

Even a cockroach scuttling up the wall.

[itsthebethblogever]

A Day Off Spent Writing / Kuranda, Far North Queensland, Australia

Hey y’aaallll!! So I tried a different method of writing that I’m so excited about sharing! This was through Notability, a pretty sweet app I can use my fancy team of Apple Pencil + iPad with in a really engaging & perfectionist-pleasing way!! Hahaha so through the link below, I want to share with you where my heart is, where it was, and where it wants to go <3

Read my writing hErE :-)

Thank you for being here and supporting le arts!!

Lots of love,

Beth

[itsthebethblogever]

My Vipassana Experience: Part Two

Day Five was the first full day of practicing Vipassana as well as adhiṭṭhāna (“strong determination” in Pali) three times a day. When we sit adhiṭṭhāna, it means that for one hour, we are not meant to open our eyes, legs, or hands. In other sits, if you feel you need to change your posture or take a break, you are allowed. As for the body scanning, that was going okay. I was discovering what parts of my body I could easily feel - my face, for example, was easy to note the cold tip of my nose, the tingling sensation on my lips, the warmth behind my eyes, etc.

My right foot would reliably fall asleep each sitting due to it being stacked under my left leg. Prior to sitting adhiṭṭhāna, I had found that when I felt the prickles of slumber begin to arise, I would uncross my legs and give them a moment of relief by stretching them out in front of me. Once returned to their crossed shape, my feet would be fine for the rest of the sit. Now that I could not move my feet, I was having to deal with the foot falling asleep and found the feeling would go away after some time. Annica, the characteristic of impermanence, reminded me that every feeling that arises will also pass.

Then, there were the parts that seemed without sensation, such as my head and legs. I would pause to observe if any feeling was there, but try to avoid seeking sensation, as that falls under Craving - which creates misery. Our teacher reminded us to also include our sex organs in our scan, something that Goenka does not mention explicitly. For some time I have been dabbling in different practices to connect to those parts of my body, so it delighted and surprised me to discover that Vipassana would be a way to continue that goal! The practice of scanning every inch of our body is so that, over time, we sharpen our awareness. Our body has sensation everywhere, but until our mind is trained, we can only feel the “gross, solidified, intense sensations” - such as that dang right foot of mine. With practice, we will be able to connect to subtler and subtler sensations and feel a free flow of pleasant vibrations throughout the whole body.

In terms of mind chatter, I was spending lots of mental energy reflecting on two main themes: greed and laziness. I was tracking my own patterns and recognizing they stemmed from learned behaviors from my childhood. Pre-Vipassana, I would begin to blame external forces when I noticed myself slacking off in some way. Or, alternatively, I would shame myself so much that whatever agitated me would go from a level two to a level eight, as I would dig into myself so deeply. Now, I felt ready to take accountability to end these patterns in a much more gentle way, the Vipassana way. It is a lot more pleasant to notice an agitated mind and accept it for how it is than react so extremely. We are guided to question “I wonder how long this will last” and trust that it will pass. This is an example of how working through physical pain in meditation prepares you for when challenging life experiences arise, as you can use the same technique. It also means that when a car horn goes off and is immediately followed by someone farting in the same exact tone, we must remain entirely equanimous. Which definitely happened and tested my ability to resist chuckling (at least audibly… hahaha).

During Movie Night on the fifth day, I started my bleed. That night, I could not fall asleep, as my mind was churning with creativity. Words to songs were blossoming in my mind and I was feeling so activated. Since my mind was so clear and free from thoughts of what happened that day (I meditated for ten hours), what will happen the next day (I will meditate for ten more hours), etc, it allowed for space to go beyond the menial daily tasks. As almost every day at Vipassana has the same exact time schedule, same breakfast and dinner, etc etc, one has a lot less distractions. Similarly, in the book The Artist’s Way, a spiritual guide to promoting creativity, has a fundamental daily practice called the Artist’s Pages. First thing you do upon awakening is write three pages in the stream of consciousness style. This acts as a brain dump to clear the chatter, also a meditative practice. Clearly, the modern human is trying so hard to hold their life together that we need to carve out time to relax our brains.

Day Six I allowed myself to sleep in and skip the 4:30 - 6:30am meditation. The 8 - 9am group sit consisted of more mindchatter, resulting in a couple of body scans. Then, during the 9 - 11am sit when the teacher customarily checks in with us, it was the old student’s turn to be interviewed. I overheard them describing feeling that free flow of pleasant vibrations, like they were coming out of their bodies, etc and felt dejected I was still hearing Rainbow songs on repeat and thinking about the past and the future nonstop. Every little cell in my body was not happy and well, it seemed, and I was beginning to doubt if I was progressing as I should be.

After lunch, I met again with Suzanne and shared my woes. Her advice was to focus on my breath and body scan at the same time. Also, she advised me to imagine the chatter as a radio, allowing it to remain on in the background and not worry about silencing it entirely. Feeling hopeful, I went to the hill where there is a short bush walk (Australian for nature trail) to meander about for the remainder of our rest period. Two women had stopped about midway up the hill and were both looking in the same direction. I followed their gaze and found there was a wallaby (like a small kangaroo) feeding right in the middle of the track! It definitely felt like a gift to cheer up us hard working meditators from Mama Earth, and it was very much appreciated. Though we could not speak, we could still share a moment of delight in observing this sweet fuzzy animal grace us with its presence.

Ohh my gosh, from the morning meditations to the afternoon meditations, it felt like night and day. Turns out the radio analogy was exactly what I needed to hear. Finally I was able to allow the blah blah blahs to be tuned out as I swept through my body, without tearing myself apart in frustration. I felt elated, ecstatic, confident, excited. My heart rate increased, positivity soared through my soul, and I even cried of relief. I felt HAPPY. I felt like myself again. As much as we are taught to remain equanimous and not attach ourselves to pleasing sensations, I was overjoyed and felt like I was back on track.

During Vipassana, we are not allowed to keep a journal, however, I decided to break this rule a few times. After this experience, I wrote:

“MINDCHATTER IS JUST LIKE A RADIO. You can have it on in the background while you focus on the breath and do your little body suit scan! What a GIFT that mine’s always playing music! Just this morning I was beating myself up for having ongoing clips of songs, and now I was rocking out to “I Wanna Rock n Roll All Night”. Everything is all ok! It is what it is! Doesn’t have to be good or bad! All sensations - pain, ecstasy, etc - are just that! Vibrational moments our mind has assigned to be something we crave or avoid. Through meditation, you learn to be with all sensations. Once you can accept them equanimously, that is liberation, purity, bliss.

I had been craving SO MUCH. SO MUCH. CONSTANTLY! From waking up until falling asleep. This manifestation, that relationship, these shoes, that life. It drove me MAd - I was MISERABLE.

ALL I WANTED WAS TO FEEL HAPPY.

So again, craving, I’d indulge in food/substances/the social media universe to satisfy my reaching out for stimuli brain. Then I’d wonder why, in their absence, did I feel depressed? Instinctively I knew I was relying on external sources for joy. So I tried, and tried, and tried to find something that would solve the problem. Which was super frustrating in itself. I also didn’t tell anyone how I was feeling, not even my close friends. Maybe this would have been different if I had them physically around me, as this feeling really took off in Australia, when many things that I wanted to happen did not. I was attached to the outcome of so many expectations, so when the reality was so different to my desires, I began lashing out.

My anger was channeled towards Melbourne, my living situation, my finances. Requesting to work Sunday shifts at the cafe, when the leftovers were given to the staff, helped with covering my food needs, and bin diving helped as well. The rest of what I needed (or should I say wanted)… I shoplifted. First, it began with putting a more expensive item or two in my bag at the grocery store, like a jar of nut butter or vegan chocolate. Then, my comfort zone expanded, so I’d start adding more indulgent items. My stealing habit didn’t stop at grocery stores, and I feel shame thinking about other instances when my greed got the best of me. Upon reflection, this greediness began as a reaction to soothe my agitated mind, to feel like I had some element of control.”

At that point, I stopped writing, as the gong to prepare for the next meditation sounded. Something that Goenka discusses in one of the Movie Nights is about how negative feelings arise first in the mind as thoughts. If left to grow, they can pass to the next stage: words. From there, they can reach the final stage to manifest as actions. When a negative thought is allowed to remain for so long that it gets to that point, it means the mind has generated so much negativity.

Goenka uses the analogy of a sugarcane plant and a neem plant, a tree producing bitter tasting leaves. If you plant sugarcane, you will get a delicious, sweet plant. If you plant a neem tree and pray for it to produce delicious, sweet fruits, you will be wasting your time. Of course a seed planted with bitterness coded in will only produce bitter plants. The same is with our mind. I had permitted negative feelings to grow into immoral actions, so how could I expect sweetness in my life? Done. I was ready to weed my garden of its nasties and be mindful of what seeds I let germinate.

On the seventh day, after the morning meditations went pleasantly, I returned to my room after breakfast. My pleasant mood all of a sudden tanked when I realized the date - it was the birthday of my ex partner. Out of nowhere, a tidal wave of sadness enveloped me and the floodgates were smashed open. Perhaps these were emotions I had been storing that were able to be released due to my less distracted mind, as well as it being day three of my bleed. If my head is clear, emotions from my heart can more easily bubble up. I felt a sense of deep mourning and let myself surrender fully to it.

During a check in with Suzanne, I confessed my doubts about if I was doing the technique properly. She told me that it seemed like I was expecting a special sensation, of which there was no need. A knot on the left hand side of my lower back was my mortal enemy and very distracting. By the end of the meditation, the pain would usually go away, but that was after I fiddled around a good amount in my posture. Suzanne pointed out this is me wanting to have control over the unpleasant situation, which I needed to resist. Her advice is to replace the word pain with “naip” to take away the conditioning the word holds in order to be less reactive.

When I tell myself “I have a naip-free body” and focus on remaining equanimous, the knot in my back actually dissipates. On the eight day, I admit I was still moving around, as I found by leaning slightly to the right, the naip goes away. My meditations usually began by feeling very agitated and frustrated, and by the end, I brighten up. Once I got to a better headspace, again lines of poetry streamed through my head, this time in Spanish. I’ll share the mini-poem, which doesn’t have much of an end, again due to the limited free time we had and that I didn’t want to spend much of it doing something I wasn’t meant to anyway. The title is “Quiero a Todo”.

“Quiero a todo de lo que hay aquí.

Quiero el sentimiento que hiciste en mi.

Quiero hacer todo de lo que hay que hacer.

Quiero respirar de tus pulmones, quiero probar tu air.

Quiero dar vueltas por el mundo hasta Mozambique.

Quiero mantener a los que serán sempre mis amics.

Quiero llevar tu ropa y hacer compras online.

Quiero subir fotos cuando mi pareja nos compra wine.

Quiero ser cantadora, fotógrafa, y un día mama.

Quiero vivir en comunidad con una granja con una llamá.

Quiero meditar para conocerme y otras dimensiones.

Quiero travesear por montanas nevadas y rusas en parques de atracciones.

Quiero la paz internal y ser una manija.

Quiero conectar con mis ancestros por una tabla de ouija.”

Final noteworthy thing that occurred on that day - The lunch was ratatouille and I had a belly laugh when I thought about how I hoped they’d put Ratatouille on for Movie Night. :-D

Thoughts on Day Nine revolved around that I felt I was still in stage one of three. The second stage was when you feel subtle, pleasant vibrations throughout your body and the third was the dissolution of mind and matter. When it comes to my body’s sensations, I often reach a stage where I can sense my whole being and everything feels good, almost like it’s gone asleep, but it didn’t seem to be “it”. During the afternoon meditation, when I was experiencing lots of “naip”, I felt excited, as it reminded me of the beginning days. Often times when I felt I was reaching my limit, I would remember to be equanimous. Then, that contrast between suffering and equanimity made for a most satisfying experience. When mentioning this to Suzanne during a check in, she reminded me that I can receive goodness without doing anything first. Basically, I do not have to suffer in order to experience pleasure. Pondering that, I realized perhaps the cycle of working for money, or doing chores for rewards, or taking tests to receive a grade, was indeed a layer of conditioning that was coming up in meditation. I would have to work on shedding that feeling that I should have to go through something unpleasant in order to progress.

During this day, the knowledge that it was our final day in silence was getting to me. Feelings of restlessness and pent up energy were bubbling up and I was eagerly awaiting being able to talk again. I felt so stoked for life, ready to leave and begin applying what I had learned. It felt like my confidence and joy had returned. Also, feelings of gratitude were strong for having learned this tool. Already I felt that when agitation arose, the time spent in it was decreasing, as I was learning to observe instead of react.

Finally, Day Ten arrived. After breakfast, we broke our Noble Silence and could engage in Noble Chatter. This meant we were still supposed to be mindful of our speech, ensuring we maintained the Five Precepts to not lie, exaggerate, speak poorly of anyone, etc. It felt incredible to get to converse with the women I had been living so intimately alongside. With one of my cabin mates, who we were also seated directly across from each other in the dining hall, we could finally laugh about the wide variety of tea recipes we had experimented with and saw each other drink (peppermint tea + cacao powder + chili powder + soy milk + a dash of salt was my favorite). The three of us cabin mates stayed for so long chatting that we lost track of time and almost missed dinner.

Quickly, it became odd to respond to everyone’s question of “how was your experience?” How could this be summed up in an elevator pitch? It felt too soon to be able to process and give an answer that felt like it gave it justice. Going into meditation after breaking the silence was a shock, as the mindchatter had returned and it felt like I was back at square one. I was so easily distracted! However, in the spirit of equanimity, I practiced being aware of these patterns in an objective way instead of getting angry at myself.

The day passed with sharing our thoughts and stories while continuing with our same timetable. Come nighttime, I felt exhausted. It had not occurred to me how much energy is put into socializing. Moving forward, I would be a lot more mindful of how much time I spend talking vs doing whatever it is I want to do.

The cherry on top of the Vipassana technique is learning about Metta, which means loving kindness. We learn that after our morning and evening meditations, we should spend ~five minutes practicing Metta meditation, where we change the focus from internal to external, transmitting peace, love, and harmony to the rest of the world.

Finally, we reached the end of the seminar. In the morning after our final group meditation and a closing discourse, we all pitch in to tidy up the center and then can gather for one more (optional) breakfast. I felt so peaceful and optimistic about reentering the world. After a nice ride carpooling back to Sydney with two of the women I drove in with, I had a tea with one of the women and her sister. After, with one backpack strapped to my front and the other to my back, I began the journey to Sydney Central Station to get my overnight train. As luck would have it, my assigned seat was next to an elderly woman who was the Chattiest Cathy on this side of the Mississippi. Despite putting on headphones, having a book in front of me, and body language being turned away from her, she talked to me non stop until she got off at her stop around 11pm. MAN was that a TEST! In hindsight, I could have asked for silence by explaining I just came out of a course, but I did not want to be rude. Already I was being presented with obstacles that were teaching me how I can maintain my practice (and sanity) in the world pre-Vipassana.

When I returned to Krishna Village, there were other volunteers who had attended Vipassana and were keen to organize a group sit. On my own, I would get up at four am to sit in the yoga hall before the sunrise yoga class began at five am. Then, at two thirty, two volunteers and myself brought some cushions to an infrequently used part of the village that overlooked a lake. One brought his speaker to play Goenka’s chanting and with my eyes closed, it felt like I was right back at the center. In terms of noticing changes in myself, my inner world is much more patient and compassionate. I feel a huge positive change in my energy. Before, I would cling so strongly to the negative thought patterns in my head. Now, when they arise, I try to remember to focus on my breath and ask myself “I wonder how long this will last”.

As I write this, I am sitting on Rainbow Beach on my first full day since ending a serve for another ten day Vipassana course, this time at a center in Pomona, Queensland. This was such a helpful experience to be able to have one foot in the real world - by running around in the kitchen cooking the meals for the meditators - and one in Vipassana, as we sat the three hour-long group sits a day. It gave me a reminder of how serene my inner world can be when I maintain the practice. Also, the knowledge that I can go from talking (as servers can talk) and being in a fast paced environment to sitting for meditation. Another of the most valuable parts of serving a course is the ability to ask allll the questions to the other Servers, Course Managers, and the Assistant Teachers. It cemented my desire to continue on this path to hear stories of how much people have gained through the practice.

I am excited and grateful to have begun this journey of many steps. My goal is to become a master of my mind, to have a balanced mind, instead of the current monkey reaching from branch to branch style of thoughts. From here, I will continue reading and listening to podcasts to deepen my understanding of the teachings and aim to meditate twice every day. As Goenka says, instead of beginning to dig a hole for a well, then hearing there’s a better spot somewhere else so you go and dig another hole, and another hole, until you are surrounded by shallow holes and never reaching the water - I want to focus all of my energy on this practice. So far, this has been the only technique that has given me results that I produced myself, without the help of any external guide/influence, and that feels right. By sharing my story, my mom felt inspired to sign up for a course and got accepted in California, which elates me like no other. If anyone reading this has any questions or comments, I am more than happy to be contacted (lol I feel like I end all my blog posts like this, y’all should hopefully know by now that if I write about it, I’m open to discussing more).

May all beings experience real peace, real happiness, real harmony. Bvatu Sabba Mangelem, loves <3

[itsthebethblogever]

What I Learned from Vipassana, a Ten Day Silent Meditation Retreat

Part One

What did I learn from Vipassana? : An Executive Summary

That it is possible to experience joy, elation, ecstasy, from within. From becoming fully present through breath. That when the mind chatter dies down, you can discover what’s left - in my case, it’s poetry, songs, rhymes. That the feeling of utter, electric excitement, like going to bed the night before a trip to the amusement park as a child, can be accessed from inside. That the feeling I had in the back of my mind that I should stop relying on external sources to produce certain feelings and instead learn how to access them myself was right. That even though I’ve been in a funk for months now, there is hope for me to reconnect to my inner joy.

In life, everything you do, there are patterns repeated, whether or not you are conscious of them. Through meditation, you can observe these patterns and have the opportunity to work on improving yourself, which is both physical and mental work. For example - as I write this, I am pausing after every sentence or so to stare off into space as my mind falls down a tangent. This also happens in meditation. Physically, sitting down for extended periods of time brings out pain that are opportunities to practice remaining “equanimous”, a key term from Vipassana meaning remaining neutral. We are taught that all sensations are just temporary, so it is pointless to attach to them. Then, mentally, we go back to the breath/body scan/mantra/visualization/etc (depending on the style of meditation) to anchor our concentration.

S. N. Goenka, the teacher whose recordings are played at the 380 Vipassana centers throughout 94 countries, guides us to smile when we realize we have wandered off. Lovingly, he tells us to be curious, aware, attentive, and come back to the breath, without feeling anger or frustration - remaining equanimous. The number of times I have heard “come back to the breath” during yoga classes, inspirational speeches, etc is countless, yet, after this experience, these words mean something entirely different to me now. I feel I have learned a tool that I KNOW has brought me back to peace. By continuing to practice, I feel will improve my ability to reach equanimity faster and for longer periods of time. Eventually, it may even become my natural state. A life without suffering, misery, agitation, frustration… Enlightenment: the ultimate phase of meditation. Sounds pretty sweet to me.

Do I recommend signing up for a Vipassana course near you? Yes. Absolutely. Without a doubt, I feel every single person would immensely benefit. This is one reason I want to share my experience, because I know this has changed my life dramatically for the better. That being said, from the first time I heard of Vipassana to actually attending, three years of contemplation passed. It is important to understand what you are getting yourself into, as it is a serious undertaking. By reading my insights, I hope whoever reads this learns something that brings you more peace, happiness, and love.

Link to find a Vipassana course near you: https://www.dhamma.org/en/courses/search

Vipassana Meditation

“Bhavatu sabba-mangalam - May all beings be happy!” - S. N. Goenka (30 January 1924, Mandalay, Myanmar aka Burma - 29 September 2013, Mumbai, India)

How did I hear about Vipassana? What was the application process like?

I first heard about Vipassana through my sibling Jesse, who told me about it when I ended my relationship in 2021. Even though Jesse had not done a course, they reckoned it would be helpful for navigating that big transformational period. My first application was for a course in Idaho in March 2022. Apart from the standard personal information, the online form asks for detailed information about your physical and mental health, substance use, and previous meditation and therapy experiences. They really want you to get specific, including dates, types, frequency, etc. As it was covid times, they required I had my own private vehicle in case I got sick. However, I was not willing to pay for a rental during that time, so I canceled my spot. The idea was put on the back burner, as I began working full time and honestly forgot about it.

Fast forwarding to my move to Australia, I remembered the idea and decided to apply to a center in Tasmania in February 2023. Again, I was accepted, but canceled because I didn’t feel like investing in going to the island just for the course, and it would have been too cold at that time to stay on and travel there. I kept it on my radar and applied to another center near where my brother and sister and law live in Queensland for December 2023. This one rejected me, saying because I disclosed that I had used magic mushrooms, the course teacher advised I should wait six months and reapply. This confused me, as there were a number of other substances I listed that felt more damaging than shrooms, yet, I could do nothing but wait. I did try to apply to another center, thinking another center’s teacher may have different rules, but they informed me they saw the other teacher’s decision and felt the same way. Whoops.

Finally, at the end of April 2024, I applied to Dhamma Pasada, a smaller center near Sydney, New South Wales, that was running a women’s only course at the end of May. At that moment, I had been traveling full time since February, and I was craving stability and direction. Sitting for ten days in meditation sounded like the perfect way to achieve that, so I prayed it would finally work out. You see, many centers fill up months in advance, as this is a free, donation-based course with limited spots. After two weeks, I was told the course was full but could put my name on a waiting list. I confirmed, crossing my fingers.

Four days later, I got another email saying a space had become available! The day I received this news was also the first day I began volunteering at the Krishna Village in Eungella, NSW. My commitment was to be there for four weeks, so it meant I would have to cut my volunteering short in order to attend. Thankfully, I asked the volunteer coordinator if I could go and then come back and was told yes. The location of the Vipassana center wasn’t the most convenient, as I was now a nine hours drive north of Sydney, so I decided to leave my car at the village for friends to use while I was away and book a train back down the coast.

Vipassana: Days Zero to Four

My ten days at the Dhamma Pasada Vipassana Meditation Center in Lower Portland, New South Wales (about an hour and a half’s drive out from Sydney in the mountains) was spent in almost total silence, avoiding eye contact and physical touch, with twenty five female students, one teacher, one site manager, and a few servers. Going in, I did not have any expectations, and had tried my best to know the least about what was in store. I did set the intentions to explore and become acquainted with my inner self, as well as reconnect with my inner joy. However, I have to say that nothing you can hear or expect can prepare you for the reality of the course. Yes, it was painful - bordering torturous at times. I can definitely see how some people give up and leave the course early - it was actually nice I didn’t have my car with me, because I couldn’t even entertain the idea of packing up and leaving (there’s a Vipassana center-specific rideshare website where I found another student who gave three of us rides there).

Above all, it was absolutely transformational. I will share some stories and lessons to provide a peek into the reality of surrendering myself to a highly structured, quite extreme environment in the name of self development. Oh, what it is to be a human.

//

Day Zero is when students are arrive between three thirty and five thirty pm. We have time to get settled in our rooms, hand over our phones, journals, food, and any other items not allowed during the course, and eat dinner together. At eight pm, the vow of Noble Silence begins, as does the official start of the course. On the first full day, Day One, our teacher Suzanne shared with us that we are in boot camp for the mind. Oh my, was she spot on. My feeling was that she waited until we had all taken our vow of silence and agreed to stay to then reveal that we are in for something more intense than we may have imagined.

During the first three days, we learn Anapana meditation, a style where we only focus on feeling the sensations of our breath coming in and out of our nose. We focus all of our attention on the area above our upper lip and around our nostrils, paying attention to the change of temperature when the air comes in cool versus when it leaves warmer. I would get furious with myself at how challenging it was to stay focused on my breath.

To make matters worse, I was deep in the trenches of examining myself, feeling guilt and shame over my recent and past behavior. You see, every night at seven pm, we have the evening discourse, which I like to call “Movie Night”. Instead of just audio, we get to watch an hour and fifteen minutes or so video of Goenka lecturing to a hall of Vipassana students.

Tangent: A source of entertainment from the videos were their trademark eighties style of recording. For example - his wife Elaichi Devi Goenka sits beside him, who you can sometimes see when the camera person exercises their artistic license by randomly zooming in and out. It made me nostalgic, taking me back to the family home video era, where mastering the technique of smoothly pressing down on the camcorder’s grooved zoom adjuster was a skill in itself. Noticing any hint of disorder within our highly structured day provided me with a reminder of Life Before Vipassana, a reality which feels so distant when five minutes can feel like ages and you still have a WEEK to go. Jesus, was it hard.

To circle back, Goenka talks in these discourses about challenges that may be arising based off commonly asked questions/complaints/doubts from past students, teachings from Dhamma, the “cosmic law and order” moral codes and virtues taught by Buddha, along with stories from his personal experiences, teachers, and culture. In my opinion, if one were to just watch these discourses, it would be enough to change your life. Goenka is able to share ancient wisdom with such clear examples, gripping stories, and - best of all - HUMOR. Anyone of any culture can grasp the meaning. After a long day of sitting with all of my inner demons, I would always look forward to Movie Night, as it was a reliable, fresh spring of renewed inspiration and determination to keep fighting.

When learning the Anapana meditation technique, there were times I doubted whether I was feeling any kind of sensation outside my nose at all. Thoughts of all the chemicals I’ve snorted made me wonder if that decreased the sensitivity inside my nasal cavity. I decided to request a meeting with Suzanne, who is available to meet with students every day for an hour after lunch. Sitting on a raised platform facing us at the front of the meditation hall, she is responsible for beginning the recordings, keeping us on time, and our overall wellbeing. About every other day, she calls up students row by row to ask us questions and check in with our progress. This means we not only get to talk about how we are, but also hear how our fellow meditators are doing. Additionally, she is available for questions after the last meditation of the day ends at nine pm. So, despite what I expected, you definitely do speak during the ten days.

At our afternoon meeting, she reminded me to be gentle, kind, and compassionate with myself. Aye yi yi, oh how my patterns continue to arise - every friend/coach/therapist I’ve spoken to in the past couple years always says the same thing. It’s tiring how hard I am on myself, and I’m so ready to give that up, but it’s quite an engrained pattern that takes time to erode.

By bringing a smile to my lips, even when happiness was far from what I was feeling, slowly I made progress on becoming less negatively reactive when I got distracted. Here is an example of the unexpected benefits of meditation - I can use this same attitude when something goes wrong outside of the practice. Goenka teaches that all misery stems from attaching yourself to either feelings of craving or of aversion, which is by far one of my biggest takeaways from the course. When broken up into these two categories (craving and aversion), it becomes so obvious to identify the root of any discomfort.

So often, if I make a mistake, waves of resentment, regret, disgust overtake me, and I make no effort to shake them off. I feel I must punish myself… God, that is some ugly conditioning to un-do. This deals with craving a different outcome, or wishing it had not occurred - aversion. On Day Two or Three, when this concept was explained during Movie Night, the truth bomb exploded inside of me. It left no doubts surviving in regards to why or who was the cause of the heaviness I have been carrying: me. The clearest example of this is in my poetry found on my blog. ESPECIALLY the last post, which might as well be used as a Before Vipassana advertisement.

A life changing realization I had was that I recognized I had been in a CONSTANT state of craving: craving money, craving clothes, craving a van, even craving other people’s lives - from the moment I woke up to the moment I fell asleep. Instinctively, I knew I had everything I needed and more. I would remind myself: I am in Australia, free to travel and pursue whatever I feel like doing, with family and friends who love me, a lifetime of achievements under my belt, a healthy body, etc etc… yet, still be left with feelings of unhappiness/unfulfillment/emptiness. UGH. This is that funk I referred to previously. Now, I could identify what thoughts were causing the funk, and begin to work on decreasing them.

On the other side of the coin, there was my addiction to pleasure. To fill this emptiness caused by my craving, I’d turn to: weed, food, sugar, orgasms, social media - any external source to feed my hunger for positive sensations. Craving pleasure to avoid pain. These habits I was more aware of, and had already started seeking out ways to healthily satisfy this urge, knowing deep down I should be able to generate this feeling myself. Lo and behold, on Day Two during the pre-dinner meditation, I felt a surge of joy, peace, love - a feeling of being high, and this was simply through focusing on my rhythmic breathing. This accounts to what Goenka explains, about how it brings you to the present. Body and mind can reconnect to the omnipresent miracle that is to be alive, by escaping the confines of my pleasure-pain cycle addicted mind.

Feeling ecstatically high, as pleasant as it is, also comes with its danger- we are not meant to make this a goal to chase. All sensations are temporary, we are taught, so holding on to the desire to maintain a sensation will make us miserable. It’s one thing to hear and understand a concept, but in order to truly learn it, we have to experience it for ourselves. This ties into one of the teachings from the Buddha that Goenka speaks about: “panna”, the Sanskrit word for wisdom. Panna has three levels: “sutra-maya panna” = received wisdom, “cinta-maya panna” = intellectual wisdom, and “bhavana-maya panna” = experiential wisdom. When we listen to Goenka’s words (received wisdom) we can try to understand it (intellectual wisdom), and then try out the techniques through meditation (experiental wisdom). Luckily for us, we are there for ten days, so we have ample time to integrate the panna until reaching the final phase.

The very next day, feeling bright and fresh after the breakthrough moment, a delicious meal of daal was served for lunch. As eating was one of the few external pleasures to look forward to, I indulged with two helpings. Reveling in the spicy warmth brought to my taste buds thanks to the chili flakes I generously sprinkled on felt like a form of enlightenment, especially after a cold foggy morning spent bundled up for hours in the meditation hall.

After the two hour lunch break concluded, the sun had come out and things started heating up. Perhaps it was the added spice, or the fact that the daal was cooked in ghee and aroused my lactose intolerance, or that it was day three and I was sitting with the reality of “oh my god there is still an entire week left of this, what have I gotten myself into, how can I survive, this is too much for me, nuh uh” that broke me. The post lunch sits seemed like the longest and hardest part of the day, as there are three meditations in a row with only a short break of ten to fifteen minutes in between. At this stage, I was playing my usual game of How Far Can I Push Myself by setting the goal to attend every meditation in the hall (as some you have the option to stay in your room), as well as to not get up from my sitting position.

With a full, spicy belly, I was finding it torturous to stay awake, which also meant I could not concentrate on my breath at all. The number of times I got distracted peaked and it felt like I had regressed on the progress I had made, only adding more fuel to my fire. Pluuus, I hadn’t gotten the hang of positioning my body, but I was determined to not move as that was the goal I had set for myself. For the first time in my life, I felt desperate enough to start pleading to any and all unknown forces to help me make it through, to ease the pain, in return for promises to change my behavior from then on out. The physical and mental pain were actually so bad I was fighting back tears. As SOON as I heard Goenka’s chanting which signified the end of meditation, I stretched my legs out, sending what felt like excruciating, unbearable jolts of pain from my knees through to the top of my spine. It took everything in me to not burst out in tears then and there, as I wanted to wait until I was alone to wallow in my despair.

I still had enough wits about me to decide to grab the two measly pieces of fruit given to us for “tea”, Vipassana code for the evening meal. This is what the New Students, aka those who have not ever done a Vipassana course before, were allowed, and the Old Students who have sat a ten day course before had just lemon water and honey for their ‘dinner’.

Immediately after, I rage stormed back to outside my cabin with an apple, orange, and chamomile tea in hand. Setting them aside, the floodgates opened and I began sobbing, the kind that you feel your whole stomach lurching and your shoulders rocking up and down. RELEASE. I felt SUCH a release. Later in my room, I checked and my knees actually had bruises from over extending them or who knows what. You see, another pattern of mine is not complaining/moving even when things are bad. So, for me to have gotten to that extreme meant I pushed way past what would be considered a normal limit, and kept going until finally I reached my at times self deprecating level of pain endurance.

Of course, Goenka had advised us to leave a quarter of the stomach empty for meditation, and of course, I had to learn to heed that advice the hard way. Alert, alert, alert - another pattern of mine! More often than I’d like to admit, I see myself above the advice given by authority figures/laws/you name it. The rules apply to other people, but not to me, if I find them in conflict with my preferred way of operating.

It was confronting to go from feeling such satisfaction to such dejection. This is where I learned the bhavana-maya panna, the experiential wisdom, of what can come of attaching myself to pleasant experiences.

On Day Four, we switch from Anapana, concentrating on the breath, to Vipassana, a body scan. Just that morning, my Anapana meditations had gone great. I was feeling giddy from the simple sensation of sensing the outgoing breath on my upper lip and loving life. In the afternoon, we had the first sit to learn the Vipassana method. From three to five pm, all students are encouraged to stay inside the meditation hall during the entire time. Until then, we had been allowed to leave to take breaks if necessary, such as go on a walk, go to the bathroom, blow your nose, etc.

These two hours, we listen to Goenka guiding us “part by part, piece by piece”, to observe the sensations in our entire body. I could feel myself floating away. The more present I became by focusing on my body, the less attached I became to my physical form. I became so relaxed, light, and alert that I could intuit how practicing this could lead into being able to separate myself from mind and matter. It also reminded me that I had felt this before in guided meditations I had done, mainly under the influence of weed and/or rapé. This was a breakthrough moment for me, filling me with motivation that I was experiencing something I thought I needed weed to do. Boop - new neural pathway achieved! I can do this without external influences!

However, this excited feeling did not last long. After this initial guided body scan, we were then set loose to practice this method ourselves. It had taken me three days to become comfortable with Anapana. Now, I’d have to switch from focusing on one part of my body - again, which had taken me three days to get the hang of - to scanning my WHOLE body?!

The amount of time Goenka suggests the average body scan should take is ten minutes. I kid you not, I would get SO distracted, that in the period of one hour, I managed to do two body scans. Ohhh how the WAVE of FRUSTRATION and agitation and self-bullying overtook me again! And HARD! The mind chatter was back, buzzing with realizations inspired by the nightly discourses that were bringing to light the reality of my shadows, and I was digging deep to find the source of these patterns.

…To be continued!

[itsthebethblogever]

Cute Abandoned Puppy

April 1, 2024

I want love but I feel unworthy.

I wanna wash away my mistakes but my hands feel dirty.

I wanna be patient but I’m already thirty.

I wanna tell my family but I don’t want them to worry.

I wanna get to the destination, fuck this uphill journey.

I wanna feel confident but my insides feel murky.

I come from a family that doesn’t express dark emotions.

And I’m repeating the pattern by escaping across oceans.

California’s too capitalist - maybe - just maybe! - if it wasn’t for the prices,

I would have stayed in the Bay Area and done hella tight shit.

Despite my roaming, I really do love my home.

Every time I return I’m reminded just how much I’ve grown.

Is this shit that I’m living all to make me realize

That Ventura’s got potential and I’ll help make it rise?

So that’s what I’ll do? After Australia, go back?

By then, maybe my brain will stop feeling so whack.

In future hindsight, when friends inquire, oh what will I tell them?

“How were your travels? The festivals?” Ah, the hell w/em.

The truth is my lack of flow has been a constant obsession.

It feels like my personality has gone through a regression.

What’s easiest is to hide my turbulent emotions with a smile.

Inside, the search for meaning perseveres, feeling longer than the Nile.

Always changing directions has me feeling like shit.

I must find my focus, the discipline to commit.

What do I want? A family. Security. Joy. Laughter.

Consistent community. A good job that matters.

A nook to read books full of cozy blankets and candles.

Card games, a shoe rack, someone to caress my love handles.

I ought to stop lying when people ask how I am.

I’m sad and I’m lost and I feel like a sham.

Constant worries about money torment my head.

It takes me an hour to get out of bed.

A laughter yoga workshop makes me wanna cry.

Even weed’s stopped helping - I’m low when I’m high.

So what is it? This funk, this era, this time?

To force me back to writing, remember to rhyme?

If so - then LOOK. I’m DOING it, OK?

Will sharing my feelings make the problem go away?

I’ve been banged on my head again and again.

If I was a bear, I’d crawl straight to my den.

There, nobody’d bother me and I’d have a look

Deep inside myself, meditate, and probably write a book.

About a woman who presented so happy go lucky

And underneath hid fear, like a cute abandoned puppy.

Afterword:

During the year I lived in Melbourne, I struggled to find a job that could support myself and the year long program I committed to. This and the dreadful weather lead to me spending much of my time at home, avoiding spending and the cold. Now that I’m traveling I’m feeling much better, yet, I find it hard to carry a conversation and banter with those around me. There is something in me that’s blocked or needs processing or something, which is the confusion I speak about. On May 27th I’ll attend a 10 day Vipassana silent meditation retreat, which I’m hoping will help. Let’s see how I go. Thanks for reading y’all, love to you <3

[itsthebethblogever]

Water fasting: why, when, and how?

Though I am no nutritionalist, I have compiled just a quick outline of what my water fast consisted of as well as some of the reasonings behind doing it, and the aftercare. I was inspired to do a water fast after hearing many female friends of mine talk about how much they loved it - how they felt their most creative and energetic, some even claiming to feel an euphoric high. During my Vision Quest back in October 2023, I also did a 3 day water fast; however, that felt different, as I was less focused on the health effects and more on the spiritual side. As I remember the lack of eating being way easier than I thought, I was hopeful that doing it again would prove to be the same result. Spoiler alert: it totally was.

Why?

To give my body a break to allow itself to clean and purify itself. Our body begins to burn white fat into brown fat, stem cell growth is stimulated, our dopamine system gets a reset, diseased cells get a chance to be flushed out while white blood cells increase and have time to do their reparative work.

Ancestrally, when we would go on a hunt, this is a period where we would not be eating. This would allow us to be lighter, more agile, and put us into a more focused state. Then, in the spiritual sense, it gives us more space to dedicate our energy towards something else. Cultures and religions worldwide practice fasting for various reasons - Yom Kippur, for example, is the Jewish day of atoning for our sins. Growing up, the decision to fast was always optional (and then encouraged after you had your bar/bat mitzvah (age 13 for boys and in some communities, age 12 for girls). After I had my Bat Mitzvah, I chose to fast as I wanted to be a part of what the community was doing. This day was spent home from school and usually doing homework with my friends at temple while services were going on. Because of this, I know doing a 24 hour fast is totally doable, and many people report the first 24 hours is the hardest. I can attest that to be true - this is the first day where you wake up and think “aw man, my stomach just grumbled and I can’t do anything about it”. This is when you reach for some water, use that to fill yourself up, and find something else to do to distract yourself.

When?

After my bleed, before ovulation. Can also be done after ovulation as long as it’s finished before bleed time. When I don’t have much to do so I’m not stressing about needing energy.

I found Dr. Mindy Pelz on YouTube when looking up advice for how to fast as a woman and am now a fan of her podcast, The Resetter Podcast. Here is a video where she explains when women should fast. I like it because she has visuals and is very clear and concise! Then, if you want more detail, I’d recommend this podcast where she is interviewed and talks about the benefits (she says that it has helped women who had been struggling with fertility to become pregnant! And help heal people with PCOS!), do’s and don’ts of fasting, and what goes on in our bodies hormonally.

The first day was when I thought the most about food. Day two was pretty breezy, I’d say the easiest of them all. I woke up feeling quite energized! My theory is that I feel like my tendency to eat at night makes my body get less rest as it sleeps. This meant waking up with a fully charged battery made me feel much more rested! On the third day, I was getting more head rushes if I got up too quickly, and did not feel as energetic. Every morning I stuck to my ~half an hour morning yoga/pilates practice as my exercise, and was doing minimal walking besides that. I had some goals for what I wanted to do with my time, like finish a few projects, practice guitar, meditate, then my evenings were spent reading or chatting with the people at the campsite where I was staying.

How?

It is recommended to decrease the amount of carbohydrates you eat three-four days before the fast so your body already gets used to burning fats for energy (instead of carbs). Though, I did not do this. Take my advice, I don’t need it! Hahahaha. Anyway, from Monday until the evening of Wednesday, my water fast looked like this:

* morning cuppa: herbal tea (I chose ginger and lemongrass) with a capful of apple cider vinegar, a pinch of salt, and a few teaspoons of MCT coconut oil

* water

* black coffee with MCT oil

* water

* water

* water

* herbal tea

Water fasting makes it sound like you can ONLY drink water, when in reality, the emphasis is keeping yourself in a fasted state. This means your blood sugar does not rise and your body can go into ketosis, where it burns fats as fuel instead of carbs. This is why Vinnie from Jersey Shore ate just the pepperoni and cheese off the pizza that one episode - he did not want to break his state of ketosis with the carbs of the dough.

Truly another big reason I wanted to fast is because I love the extra time it gives me in the day. It feels so spacious to not have to think about what to eat, cook it, eat it, clean up… because that’s actually a large portion of the day if you eat three meals! Instead, any time I feel hunger, I take a swig of water and the moment passes. I love knowing how optional food is, as well. This helps when I am going about my day and feel hunger arise. If I can survive three days on water, it makes any other time in my life pale in comparison! It lowers my anxiety about eating since I know what I am capable of.

After the fast, it is recommended to eat mainly broths and soups for the first 48 hours. The idea is to remain in ketosis for longer, so stick to proteins, fats, and cooked vegetables (steamed or boiled so the fiber is easier for your body to digest). Introducing fruits and carbohydrates comes in later.

I broke the fast with:

First: half cup of water, apple cider vinegar, and lemon juice.

Second: one cup of bone broth*

*I love “Best of the Bone” brand here in Australia. It’s about $30 AUD and lasts me around two months. All I do is heat up some water, pour it in a mug, scoop out about a half tablespoon or so of the concentrated broth, and stir it in. Best way to coat the intestines to prepare for food and it is sooo delicious! I’ve tried every flavor and can say my favorite is the bio-fermented coconut, lemon myrtle, Tumeric, and papaya leaf one.

Third: boiled broccolini with an organic beef hamburger patty*, kimchi, avocado, and goat cheese. I boiled the broccolini then sautéed it with some coconut oil, salt, and pepper. Everything I served with a bit of ghee** on the side.

*Note: I do NOT recommend breaking the fast with beef like I did. After doing more research, I would have stuck to a more lean kind of protein, like fish or egg or chicken, as I think my body freaked out with the beef. For vegetarians, pea protein was specifically recommended. I actually had painful diarrhea and believe it was either the meat or the goat cheese that my intestines were not ready for. Whoops. So please, learn from my mistake :-D

**This is the first time I purchased ghee for myself - I had had it before in small amounts to test and see how my stomach reacted (I am lactose intolerant, not very sensitive though) and always felt fine! It’s like butter as it’s made from cows milk, but has a lot less lactose. The reason is because its made by melting butter, separating it into liquid fat and milk fat, and then they toss out the milk fat so just the pure fat remains.

How did it feel to eat for the first time in 3 days? INCREDIBLE. It felt so different to be so intentional with choosing every ingredient. Another thing I loved was that I knew exactly what was in my body, so that if I ate something that made my stomach feel funny, I could repeat the same meal and take out an ingredient to experiment. This is a great blank slate to test for intolerances!

As I said before, something I ate did not agree with me, so later I tried just eating goat cheese to see if it was that, or the hamburger. The goat cheese felt fine, and later since I’ve eaten a hamburger happily, so it could have been too much, too soon.

For the next days, I had miso soup with a boiled egg, kimchi, and whatever random vegetable I had boiled with it (one day it was a carrot and a seaweed snack pack, another a squash, another a sweet potato) for breakfast, lunch was quinoa with smoked salmon, avocado, and cooked random vegetables (spinach, bell pepper). I actually didn’t really eat dinner the first day, I just had more broth and snacked on some fermented goodies like olives, kimchi, plus guacamole. The second night, I had two bananas with cashew butter inside. For break the fast recipe inspiration, I found this website (I love it for its clear visuals and concise information, can you see a pattern?), so feel free to check it out and borrow from them! Their tofu, protein powder, and chia seed pudding is now a favorite of mine - I had never thought to blend tofu!

Hopefully this has inspired you to give a prolonged fast a try! It has helped me to be more conscious about what I am eating and slow down to think: what do I actually need? Also, I liked aligning it with where I am in my cycle, as anything I do that helps me tune in with my body makes me feel more cyclical and empowered.

Feel free to share your stories and reactions with me! If you know something from your lived experience that you think would be beneficial to add, I’d love to hear it and add it to this post :-)

Lots of love to you and your beautiful body!! Xx

[itsthebethblogever]

Ask For It

All that glitters isn’t gold

Taste the brownies - nope, they’re mold

Upsidown is the land we’re in

Responsibly learning to find our kin

Ask for what - attention, we must?

My value is more than my boobs and butt

Chop it off, everything, my femininity

Please, I beg you, see the inner me

Be sensitive to my loving heart

Without its beat, life would not start

Just going by my social media

Isn’t enough to think you know me

In spite of all my pretty pictures

There’s something deeper - lean in, I’ll whisper

I notice when you don’t ask me questions

Or make no space atop your bed frame

The fuck is this about sex being equal?

Hidden expectations are truly feeble

If you want it - ASK FOR IT.

it IS that simple

We can’t read minds

Give me a signal

How would you know I love a finger

Deep inside while my clit gets tinkered?

That’s why when I was close to cumming

I shared my notes for pussy strumming

Intimacy’s no different than a song

Without lyrics, you can’t sing along

Practice makes perfect, collaboration rocks

Share how you feel, release those blocks

What worked in one song won’t so in all

Please use your voice - don’t play it small!

I am TIRED of these fucking people

Who do not treat me like their equal

My heart is numb from their infection

I am DYING for a REAL CONNECTION!

Living is giving - legs spread the love

But if you push me - expect a shove

My throat chakra is activated

Feelings, thoughts - I clearly state ‘em

COMMUNICATE what turns you on!

REAL love making’s not like porn!

Reaching climax is NOT the goal

Worship my body, my nipples, my soul!

Those who matter will want to listen

And those who don’t - fuck ‘em, ditch em

Stop giving deadbeats lame excuses

Neglect’s the worst of all abuses

It’s infuriating when someone doesn’t care

Even more so if it’s intimacy shared

Society teaches men to chase pussy

Shoot their shot, collect the trophy

A real man, a king, is devout to his queen

Does everything so she feels heard and seen

In return the queen will shower you

Give pleasure and pain like it’s a tattoo

Uplifting licking, cock devouring

Edging jolts - now that’s empowering

Let’s all give, no expectations

Level up now, there is no waitin

[itsthebethblogever]

October 28, 2023 rhyming free write

No matter how much I sleep

In my mind, the doubts creep

That there is more in store, abundance state

Put in all my effort, impatiently wait

Here in Australia, my hustle’s never enough

Farming, mothering, markets - I go nonstop

Time and time again, I get told “you’re slow”

What the actual fuck, how much faster can I go?

The carer in me simply will not have it

Being told to push harder, do more like a rabbit

Then, on top of that, I’ve got my own goals

Astrology, connection events, and find a lover for my soul

There is only so much one can do

My agenda’s full of intention and I try to follow through

After endless hours of concentrated focus

I think “Am I having fun? If not, what’s the purpose?”

My venture to the Land Down Under was about learning

Invest in myself, develop skills for higher earning

Truthfully idk if my shamanic course is worth it

Everything happens for a reason is optimistic bullshit

Lol I’m just joking, it’s a phrase I truly believe

Desperation and lack of love have me begging on my knees

Yes, it’s true, I AM slow, and for that I’m thankful

Life is not a race, go too fast and you’ll miss the rainbow

What my soul asks for is reading all day in bed

Then my mind berates me, says “That’s not how you get ahead!”

What if the issue is believing I’m behind?

Cheer up, dear buttercup, to yourself you must be kind

I surround myself with people whom I greatly admire

They dream big, trail blaze paths like a bushfire

My issue is I get caught in the comparison game

I look at what I’ve done and my hope begins to wane

Which is COMPLETELY STUPID, no value in that mindset

Internal thoughts shape reality, give positivity a try, Beth!

So often, I wake up, and am overwhelmed with “to-do’s”

All that heaviness piled on entices me to snooze

Instead, my vision of waking up is with excitement for the day

Feeling into the sexy possibilities of this game we get to play

Best part is - we are co-creators, if we release control

The Universe lovingly watches us, guides our potential to reach full

For example, the other night, I met 2 best friends with the same name

Their birthdays were made up of 1-1-1s, from the heavens they surely came

Angel numbers, as they call them, are reminders we’re on path

So remember, Beth, if you’re feeling stuck, go out and have a laugh!

The less seriously I take life, the more I can create

Which in itself’s the key to the door of that abundance state!

Yes, I’ve got responsibilities, all of which I choose

Never trying is the only way I can lose

Step away from stagnation, keep the energy bright

Consistency is key, and I wear my retainers every night.

[itsthebethblogever]

Wilderness Solo

Context:

This was written during a 10 day Wilderness Solo retreat as a part of the Four Seasons Journey, a year long course, run by the School of Shamanic Womancraft (SSW). And yes, that first sentence may take a reread or rererereread to understand lol, we love a good attention grabber. In the middle of those ten days, myself and six other women spent 3 days on our own water fasting with a tent, our medicine drum, and a journal with the intention of calling in a vision - hence calling this a Vision Quest. Our two teachers and apprentices held space at the home on this property by monitoring the walkie talkie (we could call in or whistle in case we needed anything). When I wrote this, it was the first full day of the Vision Quest, October 6th. Since then, I have done more processing and integration and feel deep gratitude for this experience - which is not really highlighted in this stage of the journey. I’m learning that by writing in rhymes, it helps me continue the writing flow by giving my thoughts some sort of loose structure.

In my experience, I haven’t come across much content of people who are beginning/in the middle of their “spiritual journeys”. Like most media, polarization is the most common stance - either social media is making fun of spiritual people, or it’s a guru preaching love and light. So, I volunteer as tribute to act as a Bridge.

My whole life I’ve always been drawn to nature as a teacher, which is what spirituality basically is, in essence. Then, as I started to get more into studying astrology in 2018, the world of mantras and meditation found its way into my orbit. I’d say that my move back to California in 2021 was the real start of my #journey, thanks to the ample supply of open hearted humans I met (specific shoutout to the gorgeous soul Austin) and the strong culture of psychedelics that exists. After 10 months of exploring the magical lands of Mexico, I signed up for the School of Shamanic Womancraft based in Australia, eager to wet my witchy whistle. Quite quickly, I felt like I was in over my head, that the other women were already so advanced in their abilities/careers/etc, and self-doubt began to emerge. Without saying much more, this poem/free write thang expresses those emotions of frustration, blame, and resistance about where I’m at in my journey. I wrote it right after I meditated and FINALLY felt like I connected to a higher frequency without any external assistance (to be explained more below).

I hope this share serves.

Much love,

Beth

Woke up and choose love and gratitude

Sat outside, stared at a tree ribbon, changed my whole attitude

My vision started to blur into fractals

Figured I’d give meditation a crackle

Kept my focus on the stringy ribbon thing

Imagined my thoughts as a rat on a wheel

Killed the rat, put it for a rest

Continued to keep my focus as a test

Checked out of reality, said goodbye to time and space

The sun came out and surrendered without a trace

Not long into it, flys came around

Changed my position to in my tent, continued to ground

Breath flowing in and out with intention

Became aware of my energy, fostered a heart connection

There I felt a tightness around the chakra

Love myself is a fitting new mantra

Laying down, my thoughts began to drift

Give wings to my voice, spirit felt a lift

Had a check in with my guides, my family

I was most in tune to listen to their voice

James, Bernice, and Mildred intuitively came to me

Grandpa, Gramma, Aunt from my sequoia ancestry tree

Supported like a spider on a web spun with silk

There’s no point in climbing if the base isn’t built

Start small babe, don’t get in over your head

Life’s about taking risks, keep trying til you’re dead

Being so self aware at times feels like a burden

How I feel inside’s never hidden behind a curtain

Feeling behind my sisters’ abilities is a truth

I’m starting to ground and they’re astral projecting out the roof

Can’t trance dance or journey without weed

Reaching for the stars while feeling like a seed

“You already can” I am told but feel without guidance

My mom never pushed me, without support, feelings heighten

Swimming deep down into a lake of pity and resentment

My lungs burst for air so I climb onto a bench and

Look around, raise my eyebrow, and say - Why all this anger?

Everything happens for a reason, self sabotage is danger

Dangerously close to placing all my bets

Towards my future in a program whose pre-reqs I haven’t mastered yet

I keep trying hard, giving up’s not in my nature

In every course I’ve ever taken, I achieve the highest stature

Turns out shamanism isn’t quite like that

Your intuition initiation may come from a bat

In February, three years have passed since my breakup in Spain

The freedom to find myself has had doses of pain

Returned to home, took all the risks, spent weekends MIA

On Halloween I crashed my truck, to jail I was taken away

Fuck the justice system, fuck the US, I found an online job

Moved to Mexico to start anew, my dreams cannot be robbed

Loved living life as I desire outside my nine to five

Forty hour weeks compared to magic peeps who knew of no restrictions

Inspired me to realize I, too was worthy of abundance

Decided now was time to invest in skills that’d grant me everything I wish

Heard Australia’s a land of opportunities and ease

My bro is there and sister in law, getting a visa was a breeze

Go there for what? I considered, Not anything will do.

“Aha!” Said Kiki, my sister in law, “What about this school?

It’s called Shamanic Womancraft, their workshop was v cool!”

Women’s circles, wilderness solo, cyclical wisdom?

My curiosity peaked an all time high, my searching was done!

Quit my job, flew back home, changed my life in three short weeks

Surrender and trust in the unknown, what’s sown I’ll surely reap

Well, little research and lots of faith had unexpected results

Connection to Spirit has no instruction guide, no missing nails or bolts

Then how? I question, feeling lost and unqualified

Nothing’s working, nor my cycle’s flowing, no matter how hard I tried

The only hope that I find’s in the hands of Mary Jane

With her, I fly in meditations and hear voices of my guides

But without her medicine, I am a novice and tears come to my eyes

My final hope rests on the Wilderness Solo, surely answers’ll come

Yet, the same actions produce the same results, from the truth I cannot run

I push myself, so very hard, to sing, to drum, to dance

Wind, rain, and cold take me ahold, defeat’s my only trance

Finally the sun comes out, so I sit in meditation

Loving joy overwhelms me once I find my concentration

Small wins are much more valuable than aiming for the moon

To land amongst the stars feels sparkly and I shift my tune

This is my path, it’s full of surprises, and surely never boring

Into the lion’s den I fearlessly marched, and I’ll come out roaring

For some reason, this is necessary, perhaps later I’ll know

This seed has landed amongst giants - what motivation to grow!

[itsthebethblogever]

Leo sunrise - morning poetry

7:30am, August 5th, 2023, Belgrave South

A new chapter in a new book, I run away without a look

Songs written for me feed my soul, to leave the past behind is my goal

Living in the present, all too aware

Give more than what’s asked is how I care

But when’s time for me? I set my boundaries

Mama Gaia listens through the gum trees

Crown and third eye chakra highly activated

With Earthly grounding I become acquainted

Moments of pause reveal the bigger picture

Bottomless love is life’s elixir

Breathing, trusting, and surrendering

Replace weekends I used to spend bendering

A third of my lifetime I’ve spent exploring

Active, learning, never snoring

The time has come to take a rest

And feel into which path is best

Letting go is my soul’s mission

Drop into my body and intuition

Surrounded by sweet spiritual guides

Mold the external to mirror the inside

Little by little doesn’t feel like enough

I want the end result now, this journey’s tough!

If growth is uncomfortable, than holy shit

The depths of my shadows hold some wholesome grit

Previously I’d smile through it all

These days I shout for help as I fall

“My truth is spoken through effortless ease”

Dreams materialize at manifestation’s knees

Lessons learned weave into gifts

As treasures emerge from the ocean drift

Treading, thrashing, swimming, flailing

Choppy water is not smooth for sailing

It’s hard to believe, but the sea’s natural state

Is as peaceful as the mind if we meditate

Brain waves, ocean waves, it’s all the same

Earth’s cyclical wisdom is coming back into fame

Not soon, NOW, I am at peace

Kindly show the door to struggle and grief

Reality is what you make it

So let’s all boogie and shake, shake, sh-shake it!

[itsthebethblogever]

Stream of consciousness free write

Another day in the land down under

My life trajectory makes me ponder

New friends, new places,

New jobs, new faces

Around and around the globe I trot

Endless adventures never stop

Connection, beauty, culinary delights

Wherever I go, I climb new heights

Searching, looking, trying on fresh masks

After a few days or months, they never last

A magician of transformation

Would never doubt my reputation

As above, so below

Phoenix stories have to go

I’m feeling like I’m in a rut

Especially housed in this stale hut

There were offers along the way

Cheerful homes I could have stayed

But my ego and locked down heart

Made me stand still, now I’m back at start

Little by little I find my way

There’s a new beginning to every day

From the ashes, the phoenix rises

Life showers me with unexpected surprises

Stepping slowly to my goal

Slowly, slowly I feed my soul

Years of travel, aimless wandering

My audience amazed and always pondering

I’m at the point of slowing down

A plant’s shallow roots can turn to brown

The right people will make me stop

Hopelessly in love until I drop

Will I soon feel an ache in my heart?

The kind once started, it can’t be stopped

When laying in bed, I think of him

The man of my dreams makes my body swim

Surely he’ll be a player of music

Our voices combined over guitars acoustic

A ripple cracks my flowing life

A past experience causes strife

Losing trust is hard to repair

This consequence I have to bare

Running away is not an option,

Patterns repeat until I stop them

External validation is my sin

Instead of value from within

Every being has the same cells

Motivated by hundreds of yells

Cries for love can overcome us

Make us forget and sometimes numb us

A great respect for others like us

Is essential for a path that’s righteous

It is normal to trip and stumble

Pain shoots through like a sting from a bumble

I’m sitting with this painful reminder

That thoughtless actions will always find her

The lesson learned is better safe than sorry

And the ultimate power of our bodies

Forgive me, please, when you are ready

I understand healing’s best slow and steady

I didn’t want this first impression

To spiral me into a kind of depression

Women of the world must stand together

We’re all birds of the same feather

Poetry is the language of the soul

Loving communication is my goal

Out of the inside, it’s been wrung out

Like squeezing orange pulp through a spout

Lighter now, I’ve told my story

Worrying further must be buried

I put myself to bed so early

To start each day without a hurry

Worry, worry, about my rest

Surely, surely, doing my best

Often I feel I’ve not done enough

Constant pressure is really tough

A lesson that I’m trying to learn

Is loosen up and lose the stern

Lose the stern to really Feel

Precious moments I’ll never steal

Life is love and meant for freedom

Let’s dance for joy and bless Creation

What a delight to pick and choose

The ocean glistens with shades of blues

Don’t suffer alone, a smile cracks stone stares

Instead, let’s soar to everywhere

Everywhere and everyone

Today is destined for new fun

What is above is also below

A bright future is now - let’s go!

Blurts inside will never serve me

What did they say? They don’t deserve me!

There’s a glowing artist who years to break free

The whole world will witness me

Hourglasses house flowing sand

We stake our tents upon the land

Growing pains still are growth

To inspire and be inspired is our oath

Spring out of bed, today’s the day!

Sky’s aquamarine, no shades of gray

Candle wicks are burning bright

Eagerly waiting for our eagle’s flight

[itsthebethblogever]

an ode to San Cris

The light placed at the tip of the plane’s wing blinks red. Looking down onto the quilt of ant-sized towns, I notice there is another blinking light that seems to be speaking to the one so far above. Something speaking to someone.

Aha!

A third light begins to blink, now in my own brain.

San Cristóbal de las Casas.

A town that speaks to me.

That’s what I wanted to do on the plane! Write about San Cris, the town fading into the distance as I make my journey back north to California. A town that I called my home for 3 sweet months.

Like the flurry of inspiration stirred up with a new beginning, I find that endings have the same effect. My soul has been buzzing, asking me to please sit down and get some of this soon to be nostalgia into words.

San Cristóbal de las Casas.

My Gramma recently told me I have a knack for making the reader feel like they are really there with me; so, in her honor, I will invite you to Blue Skidoo, We Can Too into one of Mexico’s Pueblos Magicos.

You land, stumbling slightly, onto a street that smells faintly of freshly made tortillas and gas. To enter your apartment, you turn your key into the slot of a wide garage door, painted yellow.

The door creaks open and your eyes are met with the sight of a little haven: on the left, there are tree lined lawns that border either side of the groundskeeper’s standalone house. On the right, there are more trees and enough space for five cars to park. Walking forward towards the apartment building, you find a set of stairs and follow them up until you reach a rooftop. From the top, you get your first glimpse of the town: like water running up and over stones in a river, the town has waves of hills that lift the buildings uphill in some areas and down flat in others. There seems to be a trend of placing churches on the highest peaks, casting a feeling of godly surveillance.

Bordering the town are pine green mountains, embracing the town in an earthy hug. You bask in the strong sunlight which is reliably accompanied by a bright blue sky full of puffy white clouds. San Cristóbal de las Casas, you observe, perhaps got its name from all the technicolor shades of paint on the buildings. They beckon you to explore. Ooh, what are those murals you see? Time to dive in and get a feel of these new waters.

As soon as you start your walk, you begin to notice: Why does a town full of wide open gardens and ample rooftops have the most narrow, unpredictable sidewalks in history? Walking down any given block in this magical town will put you up against:

- slippery s

l

o

p

e

s

- surprise Stairmaster sets

- a forced surrender down from the serpentine slither of a sidewalk due to a surplus of strollers streaming through

- which subjects you to step down to the street

- while you’re adjusting to your new lower elevation, you hear the chain of a boy’s bicycle: him and his mobile fruit stand are suddenly a lot closer than you predicted! But, he maneuvers around you with effortless ease

- then, you think you’re in the clear, until a loud call for “AGUA! AGUA FRESCA!” meets your ear drums - the sound spouts from a loudspeaker perched atop a curious vehicle. It is a truck whose bed features a metal structure supporting 20 liter jugs of water, stacked on top of each other in the shape of pyramid

- activating your entire lower body strength, you propel yourself back up the high curb to give room for the water bearing vehicle to squeeze past

-you survive!

- and take a grounding breath of the 7,200ft/2,200m elevation mountain air

After the reliably short burst of traffic dissipates, you are left with a calm, cobblestone street. Set along the edges are… Well, actually you can’t tell. Are they shops? Or are they restaurants? Actually, they could be hostels? Or was it someone's family home converted into a combination of all three?

Ok, you walk into one - Ah, alright, it’s an upscale clothing shop.

Or, wait… is it?

Are they marketing to well off embroidered dress seekers, or Seekers wishing to peer into the next realm? Beside the racks of clothing, there are shelves displaying glass jars of every shape and size, offering promises of lucid dreams, lucious Macadamia butter, and ancient Mayan plant based remedies. Whatever you were looking for and twelve things that you weren’t have now ended up in your backpack. Those twelve treasures somehow materialized from the farthest corners of your imagination and turned up at an accessible price, of local, fair trade, organic origins. Obviously they were just waiting for you to walk in and buy them, thereby supporting this women-owned collective.

In one week, you’ll realize with dread that you accidentally left the amber bracelet you paid for at the store. No need to worry - when you return, they’ll have it stored safely under the counter, patiently waiting for you to retrieve it.

After a surprisingly fruitful shopping trip, you express gratitude to the shopkeeper, accept a farewell hit from the joint that she just rolled, and leave. Ah yes, those small sidewalks again. You enter the Tightwalk Tango and meet your dance partners:

- three workmen, each one seeming to belong to a different generation, lugging a ladder

- a woman and her young daughter: the mother wears a long, black sheepskin skirt, and the pair both carry babies swaddled snugly to their sides, secured with striped dark purple and royal blue cloth

- one thoughtful traveler: you

To live up to your thoughtful title, you quickly realize there is not enough space for even the most graceful ballerina to plié around them all, so you again yield down to the street by jumping from the toweringly tall curb. Rule one of the Tightwalk Tango: always let the locals lead.

Three minutes into your eight minute walk home, you run into your Irish friend that you met in Mazunte, another Pueblo Mágico. Simultaneously, you realize you forgot to respond to their text from yesterday, inviting you to a live music event. But, no problem, it’s usually easier to find someone here physically rather than digitally, due to the fact that foreigners tend to not have data plans. Plus, there’s only two main roads - chances are, if you’re running errands at the same time as your friend, your paths will cross. This is a Pueblo Mágico, after all.

A bear hug, a toothy grin, and a look into the windows of our souls begins the greeting ritual. You find out that this morning, you both made French toast from the same loaf of integral bread, purchased from the same Argentinian bakery. There are no coincidences, and you smile as you recognize the Universe is reminding you you’re on path. Next, as you exchange inventory of the day’s hunting and gathering, you are reminded that you that you’re actually missing one item: something fermented. You share this with your friend who asks if you know of a shop called La Fermentera. No, but you’re only one block away, so your friend offers to walk with you there, as they are friends with the owner and it’s on the way to the music venue.

You arrive just as the owner is packing up his truck to leave to make a delivery. Today is not Tuesday nor Friday, the only two days the shop is open; however, since your friend is an acquaintance, the owner invites you in. His name is Ingo, like Bingo without the B, originally from Germany but has called San Cris home for 14 years.

Moments after completing introductions, you suddenly find yourself immersed in a full blown astrology discussion. Turns out, Ingo is a professional astrologist, a subject that both you and your friend are studying. Time ceases to exist as the owner spins a cosmic web with his words, bringing to life aspects of your personalities in a mix of English, Spanish, and German.

Once achieving planetal and probiotic nourishment, the moment for the owner to remember his delivery commitment arises. You try to pay for the 90 peso bottle of beet kvass with a 500 peso bill, but since

Nobody

in San Cris

Ever

Ever

Has Any Change

you promise to return on Tuesday or Friday to pay.

Speaking of remembering plans, your friend’s ears are yearning for tunes, so you bid your friend Adeu and head back home. You swing the yellow door open and greet two of your neighbors that are having a smoke on the lawn picnic table. They ask how you are and you share that you have a slight headache. One of them knows a breathwork technique that is useful for pumping oxygen into the brain and offers to teach it to you. Gratefully accepting, in five short minutes, you now have a new, natural cure for headaches in your toolkit: Breath of Fire. Feeling refreshed, you put your things down in your apartment and head to the rooftop to watch the sun descend behind the mountains.

It has been a long day full of spiritual enlightenment so you feel like grounding yourself back down from the stars. You strike a match to light a candle, a stick of copal incense, and the stove to heat up some coconut milk and stir in cacao. As you wrap up in a wool blanket, your nervous system relaxes further as the deliciously warm, fragrant cacao enters your body and opens your heart.

This is All You Need.

A small town full of friends on every corner, shops stocked with locally made goods, nature a stone’s throw away, and a peaceful home to nurture your soul.

Thank you, San Cristóbal de las Casas, for casting your enchanting spell on all those who enter. Physically, we have parted ways; but internally, your tranquil spirit is forever present.

[itsthebethblogever]

A Bird on Her Journey to Self

If you want to know what I have been up to since graduating high school, here is your answer: I've been trying to figure out what I want to do in life, and having lots ups and downs in the process. Like everyone else. This was written with the intention to share my experiences in the hopes that others can relate/learn/laugh/benefit somehow. Ten years of life in one post. Thanks so much for reading, sending you love, enjoy! ♡

Chapter 1: The Bird Leaves the Nest

The laid back, coastal town of Ventura, California offers many wonderful benefits as a home town: perfect weather, spacious beaches, a county fair, farmers markets, and it's close enough to Los Angeles for a day trip but far away enough to not have big city problems like traffic or pollution. However, its small town vibes can sometimes feel like a suburban bubble of safety, so my curious spirit did not begin to fully emerge until I moved to San Francisco for college at the age of 18. From day one, I hit the ground running. As soon as my dad finished helping me unpack, I ran off with some new friends to the Haight Ashbury district with one goal in mind: get my nose pierced (something I was not allowed to do while living at home). That simple yet important milestone was a physical marker of my breaking away from the herd. Beginning to chart my own path. After a fiery freshman year full of firsts, I left SF to study abroad in Växjö, Sweden, full of confidence and a thirst for even more adventure.

I was 20. I had just begun to see the world. Inspired by living with international students who could all speak at least 2 languages, I set a goal to learn Spanish. The question was: How? I began researching ways to live in a Spanish speaking country and landed on the Peace Corps website. To qualify for a Spanish speaking country, I would need a minimum of 2 semesters of college level Spanish. Well, that would work out just fine! I still had another three more semesters at SF State before I could graduate, so when registration came around, I signed myself up for Spanish. Lovely! My post-college plan became: move to a Spanish speaking country and learn the language.

In my second semester of living in a Scandinavian story tale is when a sweet character by the name of David made his debut. We met during a student trip to Finnish Lapland, when one of our three buses broke down. Instead of having the seat next to me for myself for the long journey north, I had to give it up to make room for the other bus mates. Now, sitting next to me, was a tall, talkative Spaniard. So much for my desire to sleep. We introduced ourselves and he saw I was listening to Bon Iver - of course, this was my sleep playlist - and asked me if I had seen them in concert. Well, turns out we both had, and despite not being a chatty mood, my interest was sparked. We continued connecting and I quickly realized that the more time I spent with him, the more time I wanted to just keep spending more time with him. He charmed me with his music taste, social spirit, but most of all: his loving heart. The only problem was that he was from Terrassa, a city near Barcelona, Spain, which is quite far away from California.

But... it was a Spanish speaking country.

Meaning... that if I moved to Barcelona to be close to David instead of joining the Peace Corps, I would still be accomplishing my post-grad goals. It wasn’t just to pursue a relationship.

So, we went for it.

After a tortuous goodbye in Sweden (and then again in Denmark, as he missed his flight home due to a train strike and ended up staying the night with me and my family who had come to visit, lol), we did not know when we would see each other next. However, we made the decision to stay together. David and I maintained a long-distance relationship - San Francisco to Barcelona - during the year and a half it took me to finish my degree. We saw each other only twice during that span of time. Yeah, ouch. It was extremely hard to be apart for so long, but we were determined to find a way to be together.

As soon as I graduated, I wasted no time. January 2016, two weeks after receiving my degree, I hopped on a flight across the pond and moved into my new au pair family’s apartment in the Vila Olímpica neighborhood of Barcelona. My freshly earned degree in Child and Adolescent Development meant I was passionate about working with kids, so the role was right up my alley. At 22 years old, my new life as a part time mom and part time Spanish language student began. I would get my three trilingual children ready for school with some help from their parents, drop them off, and cycle over to the Escola Oficial d’Idiomes. Classes were four times a week with daily homework, my au pair parents spoke to me exclusively in Spanish, and on the weekends half of my friends spoke to me in Spanish as well.

After three trimesters at EOI over the course of a year and a healthy level of immersion, I passed an official exam and gained the Intermediate Spanish certification. I had done it - I had learned Spanish!

Well, mainly. It took me about another year to really start to feel like I could express my personality in Spanish.

Once I completed my au pair year, I moved in with David and two of his childhood friends (by then, also my close friends) in the Gràcia neighborhood of the city when I was 23. For about six months, I supported myself with a variety of English teaching gigs I had accumulated through connections made at my au pair kids’ schools as well as through other English teaching friends in the city.

Life was a thrill. I still could not believe I was finally living in the same country with David, much less the same room, I was proud that I was able to make enough money just through teaching private classes, I had the social and night life beyond my wildest dreams, and I was doing it all in a city overflowing with art and culture. I was thriving.

However, I could no longer extend my student visa, so I needed to find something else that would allow me to continue living legally in Spain.

So, I found something.

Via the recommendation of friends, I applied, interviewed, and was accepted as a language assistant through the Meddeas program. In the summer of 2017, I went home to California, visited family and friends, and got my new student visa processings done.

August 2017 initiated a new school year and a new chapter in my journey: teaching English to Spanish primary and secondary students while studying an online TEFL course at the Universitat Internacional de Catalunya.

In hindsight, this is where my journey began to stray from my center.

Teaching English had never been a professional dream of mine. It was something I could do, and I absolutely found joy in it; however, the fact that I was thrown into a job with just one real day of training and all of a sudden expected to lesson plan for 11 different classes caused me immense stress in the beginning. Over time it got easier, but there was always a part of me that knew if I could choose, I would be doing something different.

But, I did it.

Why?

Because it allowed me to continue living in Barcelona, a place that now felt like home. It allowed me to continue learning Spanish, which sparked so much fire and fascination in me. It allowed me to continue the flourishing relationships with my sweet partner and the community of friends and family I cherished so deeply.

So, I kept doing it.

After two years of working and studying through Meddeas, I had maxed out the amount of time I could be in the program. The question returned: How could I continue to legally live in Spain?

The answer: Domestic Partnership.

We lawyered up.

David and I were able to apply under the condition that we had been registered as living in the same household for over a year. Some hundreds and thousands of Euros later, I was granted 5 years of residency in Spain that included the right to work. Hallelujah. The end of long days trekking across the province to different official buildings, waiting decades for my little number to appear on a screen, indicating it was finally my turn even though my appointment time had long passed, and praying that the person who attended me would give me their stamp and signature that meant I could advance to the next round of the Red Tape Tango.

Even Jesus could not be saved from the messy misery that is the bureaucratic processes in Spain.

So, it would seem like having my residency settled would open the doors for me to explore more satisfying occupations, buuut it was not that easy.

I was in a foreign country. The primary language of instruction in public schools was Catalan. Even though I worked so hard to learn Spanish, I would still need to learn another language if I wanted to apply to any public school position.

Then, there was the issue of educational qualifications. Europe in general is quite strict with demanding you have the right papers for the right job, and even more so in Catalonia. In the Catalan province, you must have a masters degree to work with high schoolers, the age group that I really did love teaching English. However, getting a masters for a job that still did not ignite every inch of my soul was not something I was ready to sign up for. Plus, it was possible my US bachelor’s degree may not even qualify, and there was no way I was going to do another bachelor’s degree just for that.

At that moment, my two post grad goals had been accomplished: to live in a Spanish speaking country and learn Spanish, which felt great, but I did not have a plan for after that. I began to feel lost.

At the same time as I was going through a professional life crisis, my personal life situation was also undergoing a difficult transition. It was the summer of 2019. David and I were looking to move out of our shared apartment into our own place for the first time.

From the outside, everything seemed glittery and exciting. We had found a beautiful apartment in Gràcia mere footsteps away from our friends, I got my residency, and my unemployed status was not a huge financial stress thanks to David working in tech.

However, my live-in support system, aka my roommates, had been taken away. Moving in with my partner meant it was just us two. When there was any conflict, it no longer dissipated when one of our roomies came home. Our fights were affecting me more, being unemployed sucked, and felt like I had nobody to reach out to since everyone was working or vacationing. Many days, the summer sun was shining bright outside, but inside I felt darkness. For the first time in my life, I fell into a depression. These deep, ugly emotions inside me were new and I did not know how to deal with them. Instead of opening up about how I felt, I tried to keep my emotions hidden in the hopes that I could bounce back on my own without causing others to see this unhappy side of the usually bubbly, carefree Beth.

In the month of July, I found a gig as a camp counselor at an English language summer camp. The hours were long, it was physically and emotionally demanding, and the compensation was minimal. Working at a summer camp did have some fun perks, but overall it felt like I was resorting to a job that was great when I was 15, but not so much when I was 25. It did not feel like progress, so it did not help my mental health.

Once that finished, I began teaching English online to kids in China in the mornings through a US based company called VIP Kid. In the evenings, I got a part-time job teaching English to kids and adults at a language academy in the city.

More English teaching.

Still, not really my passion.

But, I did it.

Why?

I could not find any better options. I knew I did not want to teach English for the rest of my life, but the other jobs I was interested in, like in the special education/psychology field, I could not pursue due to language or bureaucratic barriers. I decided to accept my current job situation, knowing that it was temporary, and continue to look for other positions in the meantime.

But it was not easy. On top of this, my work schedule was now opposite to David’s. His 9-5 job meant that when he came home, I was at my second job. Limited time together further heightened my feelings of aloneness and caused stress for us both. We hardly saw each other during the week, and when we did, we were not at our best selves. This continued for some time, until finally, I couldn’t do it anymore. I told David I wanted to break up in March 2020, shortly after my 26th birthday. Yet, it did not end then. It surprised David to know I was that unhappy, as I had been hiding most of my dark emotions in order to convince myself and others that I was okay. We decided we would start having more honest communication and work on our relationship, as we both hoped it could be saved.

Then, the timing of what happened next still makes me chuckle. The Universe heard us asking for more time together, and gave us…

Covid 19.

Yep, Barcelona’s lockdown happened literally days after we almost broke up.

Actually, it couldn’t have come at a better time.

We finally had time to be able to talk, connect, and make the best out of being confined 24/7 together. 

Since the language academy closed, it was easy to convert my online teaching gig to be my primary job, as my Chinese students were all at home too. I taught classes for about four hours a day and spent the rest… however I could. While David continued working, I would usually go up to our building’s rooftop. There, I began to rediscover some of my creative passions I had forgotten about. I bought a drawing pad, wrote poetry, and did lots of journaling.

After a long year locked down with plenty of time to reflect, I came to the difficult conclusion that it was time to end our 6 year relationship. Almost exactly a year later, I turned 27 in February 2021, and made the move.

Something I want to pause and touch on here are my thoughts on ending relationships. Later, when sharing the news to my friends and family, it became apparent that some people feel the need to see ugliness before a breakup. I got a lot of reactions like "What, really? But you seemed so happy!" Yes, we were. But that is not a good enough reason to stay with someone. Personally, I feel like it shows how much I cared about David to never let us get to a point where we were outwardly unhappy. I recognized that my feelings had changed, and rather than repress them to the point where I might start to take it out on him, I made the responsible choice to end things amicably. Movies and pop culture dramatize breakups and show things like throwing their partner's belongings out the window, saying nasty things while screaming at each other, cheating out of spite, and the list goes on. It is sad that we don't have examples of two people who sit down together, have a meaningful conversation, and wish each other the best. Communication is an art that gets easier with practice. We should have as many role models and teachers as possible to help guide us towards the most loving way of relating.

Conscious communication practices are on the uprise, so if learning these essential life skills sounds interesting to you, feel free to contact me and I can help connect you to resources like Instagram accounts to follow, courses to take, etc.

And, unpause.

It was Lunar New Year and from the moment I woke up, I felt like electricity was surging through my body, my heart beat accelerated. It was my body telling me: now or never. I met with my best friend Pat who I made privy to my resolution, and together we developed a plan.

A day later, I sat down with David and had the Talk. I did my best to explain my decision in the most caring way, so for that, I came prepared with a notebook in case the words escaped me in the moment. I knew these were going to be the scenes that would replay in our minds and I wanted to foster the best possible conversations. It absolutely broke my heart but as I spoke my truth, my body felt lighter. We agreed that there would be no contact, to allow both of us to heal. As I did the "hurting", I would not be the one to initiate contact. If the day comes that David would like to speak to me, he could reach out. We did get together a second time a few days later to have another conversation where questions were asked and answered. At the end, we said a more official goodbye that ended in one of the world's saddest hugs. I let him know that I hope we can one day be friends, and I am still hopeful for that. It has been almost two years and we have not exchanged a word. I celebrate how well we have honored the boundaries we set and wish him the absolute best.

Six beautiful years of support, adventure, silliness, passion, growth, and love came to an end. Well, the love will always remain, just in a different container.

Before diving into all the logistics that come after a breakup, Pat invited me to stay the weekend with her family in her hometown. We went on a hike to the top of the Burriac Castle, where I really cried for the first time after the break up. Feeling safe and nurtured in her family's hands, I was able to journal my heart out, have an attentive ear to help me try to figure out what to do next, order pizza, and cry some more. I am forever grateful for all the help and love Pat gave me during my time of need. She is a true loyal Leo protector queen and I love and miss her dearly.

Then, it was back to reality.

I moved all my stuff out of our shared apartment and was temporarily crashing at a friend’s place while she was out of town. I hadn’t really thought about what came next, but it was obvious I needed a new place to live.

I went to see a room that seemed to check all the boxes: good lighting and internet for my online classes, in the same neighborhood so I’d still have all my friends and shops I was loyal to around me, but it was then when I realized - how can I start a new chapter of my life in the same city with the same job and the same limitations?

I cannot.

So, I didn’t.

I decided it was time to move back home.

In the span of two weeks, I packed up my five years of life into three boxes, two backpacks, one suitcase, and one duffel bag. The process of donating, gifting, and purging my material belongings was therapeutic. The process of saying goodbye to my community of friends that had become my family was heartbreaking.

Is heartbreaking.

But I had to do it.

Like a phoenix, I had to set fire to everything familiar so I could be reborn from the ashes. Just like that, I said adéu, t'estimo to the five year Barcelona chapter of my life.

Chapter 2: The Bird Returns to the Nest

On the flight to California, I realized I was not moving back home. Barcelona was my home. It had been four years since I had stepped foot on the West Coast, and I had no idea what I was going to do (as per usual).

March 1st, 2021. My first full day in Ventura, California in years. It was more clear than ever that I was basically a foreign person in my hometown, and I did not feel like I fit in. Immediately, I threw myself into researching any and all opportunities to leave the US. I applied to teach English in Korea and was rejected - maybe because of my tattoos? Oh well, it wasn’t meant to be. Next, I applied for an English Teaching position in Costa Rica through the Peace Corps, thinking I could fulfill that post-graduation idea I had so many years ago. I got an interview and then after was politely explained that all of the programs are on pause due to Miss Rona and they would let me know once they reopened. Tampoco ain’t gonna do it. After that, I began throwing my resume at any and all English teaching positions at international schools in the Middle East, Southeast Asia, you name it… but nothing stuck.

Soon, I came to terms with that my intention to touch down in Ventura just to jet off again was not realistic. Covid meant that many borders were closed and programs on pause. So, when a recruiter contacted me on Linkedin for a job as a Support Counselor with Aspiranet, my eyes opened wide with interest at the job description. Behavioral coaching for youth clients in Ventura County? Required a bachelor’s degree in social work/psychology/child development? Increased pay for bilingual candidates? Experience working with high risk youth or special education preferred? The description seemed to be tailored for me. I felt the flame of inspiration ignite, so I applied and was offered the job. I absolutely loved it. Finally, I was back to doing something I was passionate about, and the experience I gained was just as rewarding as the difference I was making in my client’s lives.

Still, my goal to move abroad was clear, and I continued to search for ways to do so. I applied to volunteer as an English Director through a program in Brazil that also practiced eco-friendly living, organic farming, and environment conservation. Even though it was teaching English, I saw this as a beautiful way to also have the opportunity to learn about the other projects going on at the center that fascinated me. After an interview, I was offered the position!

…and got a DUI.

Just when I thought I finally found a plan that felt right, life smacked me in the face and said “think again”. My dreams were shattered.

Here is where I should maybe add a little context and do that adult thing called “take responsibility”. After so many years in a relationship, I was granting myself permission to be wild and free on the weekends. However, as a Scorpio Moon, Jupiter, and Pluto, I crave intensity and become obsessive in my search for taboo adventures. That manifested in a way where I was pushing boundaries of what was safe to their limit, too often. The Universe gave me plenty of opportunities to learn my lesson the easy way, granting me safe passage during many other instances where I drove under the influence. But, I did not listen, and continued on with my reckless behavior until finally I was forced to learn the hard way.

And it sucked.

Not only did I have to spend all the money I had saved on legal fees and fines, but I now had three months of programs I had to attend. My job as a Support Counselor was half spent driving around Ventura County visiting my clients, so I quickly decided that would not be worth the extra insurance and IDD device I’d need to install just to keep the job.

So now what?

Back to the drawing board.

Sigh.

After shedding many tears, therapy sessions, conversations with family and friends, and deep suffering, it hit me: A remote job. It would be the perfect compromise. Instead of quitting my job and using my savings to volunteer and travel, I would get a remote job so I could still travel and have the means to do so. Frantically, I began applying for anything and everything remote. Thanks to a family friend, I was referred and accepted as a Client Coordinator with Cerebral, an online mental health startup company. Well, weeks before beginning training, Cerebral said they no longer needed Client Coordinators (small heart attack) but if I was interested in being a Phone Coordinator, there was still a job for me. Uh, okay, as long as it was remote, I was willing to do pretty much anything. I accepted without much hesitation, though the idea of answering phones instead of emails did not thrill me.

 It would be my first customer service job, and as it was still related to my field of interest, I figured there would be value to seeing the business/insurance/billing side. As soon as I finished training, I packed up my life, again, and purchased a one-way ticket to Mexico City. Since I had visited the city before and already had friends there, it felt like somewhere I could start rebuilding the sense of community that I so yearned while also fulfilling my international desire.

So, I did it.

I will never forget the surge of emotions that overcame me the moment the plane lifted off the runway at LAX. The tears came pouring out before I even realized I was crying. Freedom. Independence. Finally, after a year of living at home, I felt like I was back in life’s driver’s seat.

Chapter 3: The Bird Gets Her Wings Back

At 4:39 am on April 3rd, 2022, two days after moving into an apartment in Juárez, Mexico City, I wrote this:

“I’m having so much fun being alive-

—and living and being here that I don’t want to go to sleep. I don’t even want to close my eyes.

I’m too happy.

There’s too much I want to absorb.

Everything feels electric. I feel literally charged and hypervolted with energy. 

This. Is. My. Fucking PLACE!!!

Note to self: never again accept less than this. Or if you do, know it is temporary and I will always find a way back.”

Now 28 years old, the feeling of power I felt when I left Barcelona had finally returned. I could learn Mexican Spanish. I could walk to the market to buy my groceries. I could even do my court ordered programs, as they were through Zoom. But, most importantly, I could surround myself with people and experiences that would help guide me on my path.

Almost immediately, I became immersed in Mexico City’s spiritual community. After meeting lots of beautiful souls at an event hosted by the Open/Sex-Positive Community, I began running into the same people at other events, in the streets, at friend’s houses, etc. Also, there is a Whatsapp group for pretty much any interest you may have. For my US readers who may be unfamiliar with Whatsapp, the first thing you should know is that we are pretty much the only country who doesn't use it. Adding that to the list of things we do differently. All it is is a messaging app, but the big advantages of using that over iMessage or texting is that it just uses Internet. That being said, there is no polarizing "blue or green" texts to mess up a group chat, making it much more conducive to creating large group chats for as many as 1,000 users.

Just like that, Mexico City felt like home. My job became pretty easy once I got the hang of it, and because I worked smarter and not harder, I was able to enjoy life pretty much exactly how I wanted to. I was living my best life.

One night, while hanging out with my dear friend Bailey at her apartment, she remarked "Didn't you want to do a peyote ceremony? They're posting about one on the Hermanas Hermosas group". Hermanas Hermosas is a global feminine movement that has a Whatsapp group for pretty much every major city around the world and many others for smaller towns but with a spiritual community present. Some get so big that they have to separate into smaller topics as to not spam everyone in Mexico City with apartment ads if they aren't looking for an apartment. In this case, there was a post in the Hermanas Wellness group sharing that sure enough, a peyote ceremony was being led by two women up north in the very desert to which the plant is native.

I sprang into action, as it was Wednesday, and the trip left that very Friday morning. Thanks to the help of my friends, I was able to collect the necessary supplies for a night out in the desert under the stars, called in sick to work that Friday, and I was off to experience the healing powers of hikuri.

It would be wonderful to tell you that I had a powerful, life transformational experience sitting with this medicine; however, that Thursday before the ceremony, I got some awful stomach bug. That day, I could not keep down even water, and I toyed heavily with the idea of cancelling the trip. However, there was no way I was going to miss what I felt was an opportunity that did not come many times, so I came armed with anti-stomach-explodey pills and somehow got myself to the meeting point that Friday morning.

With the group, we went out into the desert with flashlights to find and harvest our cacti medicine. Then, we set up around a fire, prepared the plants, made a delicious tea full of medicinal herbs and more cacti, and prepared the ceremony. My intention was to ask for guidance on what is my purpose. After consuming the recommended dose, about half an hour, I had an euphoric beginning to the trip. Then, I felt called to lay down in my sleeping bag, so I listened to my body and got comfortable. I fell asleep for the majority of the night. Upon waking up, I was initially quite mad - I came all the way out to the desert and I didn't get to talk to the blue stag spirit of peyote? However, I do believe the message was that I needed to give myself time to rest. Living in a city as active and exciting as CDMX meant that most of my free time was spent out of the house, and that was probably not the way I would find clarity. Also, I learned the importance of not having any expectations.

Three months into Mexico City living, Australia announced they were finally re-opening their borders. To my family and I, that meant we could finally get the chance to visit my brother Jesse and sister-in-love Kiki (because “sister-in-law” just doesn’t fit) who had been living on the strictly locked down island since Covid began. This meant I could either keep paying rent while I was away in order to keep my apartment, or… an idea sprouted.

Instead of coming back to Mexico City, I could move out of my apartment, and start to travel Mexico when I got back. The city was feeling comfortable, which was lovely, but also a sign that it’s time to move on. I had developed a support network that gave me the confidence I needed to spread my wings.

It was decided. When I returned to Mexico from Australia in August, I flew back to CDMX for a short visit, then began my solo exploration of the country.

Chapter 4: The Bird Migrates Farther South

Now that I had nourished the soil and grown new roots, I was craving expansion towards the sun. The previous months’ themes were reestablishing confidence in myself, completing DUI obligations, and building up my savings again. Here is the part of my journey where I feel like my real growth starts. 

After months of hearing stories and recommendations, I decided I would start my nomadic chapter in the state of Oaxaca. First stop was Puerto Escondido, known as one of the best surf spots in the world and for its hippy party vibes. As I do not surf nor was in a partying mode, I did not fall head over heels for the town. The main areas were mostly filled with other international folk, which was a con for me, as I wanted to leave the bubble of Mexico City to get to know a more authentic side of Mexico.

As soon as I arrived in Puerto, I felt stressed to find friends. Company. Community. I knew a handful of people from CDMX who happened to be there at the same time, connected with some friends of friends, and met people on my own. Despite this, my social life was the area where I felt the most resistance. I was expecting the luck and speed I found people in Mexico City to be the same there. Well, that was not the case. And this frustrated me. Which forced me to take a step back and reflect - why did this cause me frustration? Was I putting too much value on spending time with others instead of just enjoying life?

…Ope.

Yep.

Out of discomfort came a lesson: I should be acting as my #1 source of company and entertainment. And, quality over quantity. This is a lesson I had begun to learn already when I moved back to Ventura, my mainly friend-less hometown; however, this time, it resonated on an even smaller scale: if I have to choose between doing something with an acquaintance vs. doing it alone, I would much rather be alone.

One night under an almost full moon, I decided I would lead my own healing ceremony instead of going out. I brought my crystals, candles, journal, and rapé upstairs to the rooftop of the house I was staying in, feeling quite proud of my fully equipped witchy starter pack. For those who don’t know, rapé (pronounced RAH-pay) is a type of plant medicine made mainly of tobacco. Usually, a pea sized amount of the powdered plant is blown into your nose through a pipe, either by yourself or another person. The first time I did a rapé ceremony was with my brother in Australia, who administered it to me. This would be just my second time using this plant medicine, and the first time from the nasal spray bottle Jesse and Kiki gifted to me.

Prepared with Kleenex and a trash can in case of possible purging, I shot a spray of medicinal tobacco into each of my nostrils and relaxed back into a hammock. The sensation started by feeling like the lights inside my brain suddenly surged on, and then a tingly wave washed down from the top of my body all the way down to my toes. It was very similar to the feeling of adrenaline, except more powerful and also quite dizzying. The mango I ate earlier was all of a sudden no longer welcome in my stomach.

About five to ten minutes passed where I felt nausea and ecstasy at the same time. The urge to yell and clear my throat arose, and I realized I should be using my Voice more, as what I have to say has value. Then, in this state of clarity and heightened awareness, an idea zapped into my mind - weekend retreats for girls. All around me there are retreats offered for adults focused on various spiritual offerings, but why not kids, too?

Whoa.

That was something to think about.

I took out my journal and began agreeing with all those Instagram posts that talk about how the greatest growth is done in solitude

I resolved to do this more often.

So, I gave gratitude to Puerto Escondido for its technicolor sunsets, dreamy beaches, and the ability to party barefoot or in Crocs and flew back to CDMX. There I met one of my best friends from Barcelona who was in Mexico traveling with his partner.

After keeping it relatively chill in terms of partying in Puerto, I was excited to let go in the city. Unfortunately, on our first night out, my phone and wallet were stolen out of my fanny pack.

Aaaarrggg!

WhHyyy, again, when I felt like I was in such a sweet groove, did I have to be punished?

I guess I had mOrE lEsSoNs iN rEsPoNsIbiLItY tO lEaRn, said with my hands on my hips, my mouth pursed, and my eyes glaring.

As any mature adult would.

Fortunately, my community jumped in right away to support me, with a temporary phone to borrow and money to lend. My mom and I worked relentlessly in attempts to get a new phone sent to me from the US before my flight back to Oaxaca, but Mexican customs said “jaja, na”.

So, off I went, back to the coast of Oaxaca, with my iPhone sequestered in CDMX customs, and a Kodak brand phone as my new travel buddy. My next destination: Mazunte, a town a little over an hour south of Puerto Escondido that boasts the title of being one of Mexico’s 132 “Pueblos Mágicos”. It became obvious very quickly that the town was indeed a magical one.

Chapter 5: The Bird Questions Her Reality

Even though I was in Mazunte for just two weeks, it felt like two decades. Some of the beaches there have black sand, due to underwater volcanic eruptions reaching the shore. This meant the sand was literally magnetic, an effect I felt made time pass slower and in a more relaxed way there than anywhere I’d ever traveled to. The town was the perfect size for me: there was one main road, unpaved, that led to the beach with some side streets, little shops, and cafes with palapa style roofs made of palm leaves. A mix of national and international humans exchanged real eye contact and smiles when passing each other on the street. There was a lot to smile about when living in a hippie paradise surrounded by lush, tropical foliage like coconut and banana trees.

In the midst of all this abundance is where the concept of “The Matrix” really entered my consciousness, thanks to conversations with many of the town's eclectic souls. Bear with me as I take a break from the narration of events to share the journey of how Mazunte really brought the red pill / blue pill metaphor to light.

Take my job as an example: Monday - Friday from 11am to 8pm, with the exception of an hour lunch break, I am expected to be in front of a laptop, aka plugged into The Matrix. The rest of the world basically ceases to exist as I listen to the concerns of people on the other line, pressing buttons that cause prescribers to order prescriptions, pharmacists to dispense medication, therapists to attend patients, banks to deposit refunds, etc etc. In this way, if you look at my job with a wide angle lens, I am altering the reality of people thousands of miles away with the sound of my voice and the touch of my fingers against the keyboard. Why? Multiple reasons. Mainly, because it’s my job, so I have been told that if I do so, I will get paid.

To counter, there is more motivation than just money for me in my role. I believe that we deliver services that really are helping people, and I also know that I spread as much love and light into every interaction possible. So, I hold onto the knowledge that I am planting seeds of positivity in the vulnerable hearts of humans seeking mental health services as another reason, apart from money, that I do my job.

Alright, then, now the big question - would I still do this job if I wasn’t paid?

Honestly, no. Or at least for a lot less hours a day.

Aha.

So, what would I like to do? What skills do I possess that I could offer the world if the Matrix ceased to exist?

Feel free to take a break here and join me in one of my daily existential crises.

In that magical town where nobody seems to know what day or time it is, I toyed heavily with the idea of indefinitely powering off my work laptop and surrendering fully to the fate of the Universe. I could teach English at the school there, or online, or something.

But that’s the problem.

I still didn’t have a goal or idea to motivate me enough to take a risk that big.

So, I didn’t take the red pill.

I did not feel ready.

My Kodak Moment, as I referred to my phone, greatly limited my ability to communicate and stay connected to loved ones. My iPhone was still collecting dust in Mexico City’s customs and I wanted my high tech cyborg brain back. Also, I had more travel plans ahead of me that required money, so a steady paycheck and an ever-increasing savings account would help me reach those dreams with ease. So, I continued with my blue pill work routine, choosing comfort over freedom from the Man.

But, with knowledge comes power. Mazunte changed me. I set a goal: Develop skills that would allow me more freedom in how I make a living. Rather than invest time in a company so it could make money, I wanted to invest time in me so I could support myself on my own. For one, I would need a new laptop, as we all know technology is a useful tool for learning and making connections. With that in mind, I decided it would be the easiest and cheapest to work on attaining technological autonomy back home in California. With Thanksgiving on the horizon, I decided that would be a perfect time to go home and be surrounded by sweet, familial love as well as take advantage of the benefits of capitalism.

With some tangible goals set in place, the storm in my mind began to settle down. A compass and a map helps greatly in navigating the ever changing winds of life. However, the journey ahead still lacked clarity. I knew what tools I would search for while at my next port; however, there was still the unanswered question my whole crew was waiting on: Where are we going next?

Chapter 6: The Bird Continues Her Search

My course veered north towards the mountains, with a big chunk of my heart left behind in Mazunte. For the next two weeks, I explored the high elevation towns of San Jose del Pacifico and San Mateo del Rio Hondo. To me, San Jose’s nickname should be “Mushroom Disneyland'' due to the fact that the majority of travelers who go there are seeking to experience psychedelic mushrooms. The knowledge of this practice was originally brought to the town by María Sabina, the famous chamanic healer. With a view of endless mountain ridges, I sat in my room with the sacred medicine and asked for clarity as to what is my life’s purpose, but unfortunately did not get the answers I had hoped for. I did, however, eat some of the best mushroom soup and quesadillas ever, and marveled at the way the clouds gracefully changed form over the endless mountain peaks.

I wished I could change as gracefully as those clouds.

In San Mateo del Rio Hondo, I got to experience a non-touristy mountain town, just 30 minutes away from Mushroom Disneyland. The scenery was also stunning, and I could enjoy them from a cozy cabin that was half the price of what I paid in San Jose and double the amount of space. Also, for the first time in weeks, I could cook in my living space, as where I stayed in Mazunte and San Jose had no kitchens. I enjoyed playing house in my little cabin, buying freshly cooked beans and tortillas from a woman that sold them from her kitchen down the street, and worked outside on my balcony with a view.

Next up on the tour of Oaxaca state was Oaxaca de Juárez, aka Oaxaca city. My first question was: have you ever seen the word “Oaxaca” used 3 times in one sentence? Hehehe ok only joking. My first impression was that it was jarring coming to a city after being held so gently in small towns surrounded by nature. But, reliable Wifi and finally getting my iPhone back were welcome pros.

My intentions going into that leg of the trip were to consume so much mole that it would become my blood type as well as experience all the Día de los Muertos magic possible. It was time to have a break from my intense self reflection and relax a bit.

There was one other city resource I was eager to take advantage of - health clinics. I had decided I wanted to get my IUD removed, for a number of reasons. Since the age of 17, I had been on some form of hormonal birth control. Now, at 28, I was getting the feeling that maybe I wasn't able to find clarity due to being less connected to my body's natural rhythms. I had been learning about how a women's wisdom comes from our womb and I wanted to get in touch with mine. Initially, the lack of having a period excited me when I got my IUD inserted in March 2021 (when I moved back to the US); however, I actually missed my monthly reminder of my feminine power. Being around so many spiritual women who cherished and ritualized their moon cycle also animated my interest to do the same.

Another reason was that when talking to women my age and older, they shared with wild glints in their eyes about feeling their sex drives begin to increase. This is usually the case as we get into our 30's, but I was just not feeling it. I wanted that wild glint, too. And finally, in the simplest of ways, I was excited to return to a body that was 100% natural, for the sake of my own physical health.

In the first week of my stay in Oaxaca, I was connected with a goddess named Marluy I met through the Hermanas Hermosas Oaxaca Whatsapp group when asking for a hairdresser recommendation. During my haircut, I shared my thoughts with her about my IUD, she supported my idea to get it removed, and discussed her own journey. It was the final motivation I needed to schedule an appointment. The very next day, she accompanied me to a clinic where I bid farewell to my Mirena. She held my hand and brought me lentils and a mix of feminine herbs to make tea in case of cramps. What a blessing it was to be supported by a sister in my time of need.

To allow myself time to reconnect with my body, I decided to combine the removal of my IUD with the start of intentional celibacy. This would be quite the new journey for me, as I love casual physical connections, but I was interested in experimenting in something different. Again influenced by other women around me and a podcast episode, the idea of saving my intimacy for myself and only the highest level connection was empowering.

Later on in the month, I was grateful to reunite with my good friend Bailey, who had also decided to leave Mexico City to check out Oaxaca's famous Muertos celebrations. We agreed that Oaxaca’s food reputation lived up to the hype as we explored the wide array of restaurants together. Additionally, the nearby towns are full of natural and cultural allure, and I had a blast exploring it all.

Yet, despite trying to give myself a break, the feelings of frustration and being stuck remained. I was filled with the feeling that I wanted to move forward, like a constant push, but I was unsure of where to direct that energy.

On one of those days when I was feeling extra discouraged, I decided I had to do something to give myself a feeling of hope.

I opened up an application for a working holiday visa in Australia.

That’s how everyone solves their problems, right? Find a new country and make plans to go there? No? Hmm, can’t relate (hehehe).

Anyway, I was granted the visa two days after I sent in the application. This brought me immediate, immense relief, like I had finally found a trail marker after wandering aimlessly for weeks - “This Way: Australia”. A clear option I could use to get myself out of the rut I was in.

Getting the visa was not as entirely spontaneous as it may sound. Ever since learning about the working holiday visa in high school, I knew it was something I wanted to take advantage of before I turned 30, which was approaching. The plan became: explore the remaining regions of Mexico left on my list while continuing to work for Cerebral, then jet off across the globe to a country where the work conditions and pay seemed to be a much healthier balance than my current situation.

In the Land Down Unda, you can actually make a decent salary from just a part time job, a concept completely alien to your average United Statesarian. With more free time, I could take courses, have hobbies, and overall have more than just the weekend to explore my interests. That sounded like a great environment to continue my self discovery mission.

Hilariously enough, that very week, I received an email from the Peace Corps inviting me to serve in the Dominican Republic as a Spanish Secondary School Teacher. Remember back when I moved home from Barcelona, I had applied and interviewed? They stayed in touch by email, asking me once every couple of moons to see that if I wasn’t invited to serve in X country, would I be open to serve in Y, Z, etc country? Always wanting to keep my options open, I would reply “yes, I’ll go anywhere Spanish speaking”. After months of playing this game, it made me want to pull my hair out that I had finally achieved a goal that I worked towards, but at such the wrong time. They gave me just a weekend to make my decision, so even though I felt honored to have been offered this opportunity, it did not spark joy. I checked the “decline invitation” box, sent a thank you email, and moved on. Aaarggg.

On October 28, 2023, the kickoff event of the Día de los Muertos celebration was a free concert in the Plaza de la Danza. During a parade, I linked up with a big group of travelers from a Whatsapp group, and we excitedly walked alongside masked and painted people so gorgeously done up and making all of my Coco movie dreams come to life. Upon arrival at the plaza, we walked through the crowd to find a spot to watch the concert. I reached into my bag to take out my phone, and to my absolute rage, found it had been stolen.

Again.

Not even a month after I got it back from Mexican customs. Someone had cut a slit into the side of my fabric tote bag and taken it out without me feeling a thing.

Now a pro in getting my phone stolen, a kind friend I had made in the city and I went to the police station two days in a row, as I was determined to do everything possible to try to retrieve my expensive rectangular block. They took us to the location as shown on the Find My iPhone app, talked to the neighbors, but were unable to retrieve it. Not much of a surprise, but I had to try. At least this time I knew I would be home soon where I could use insurance to get a replacement. However, it drove me up the wall that the same thing had happened again so soon. Plus I found out I still had to pay a deductible for the insurance, causing me to have to dip into my Australia savings fund.

When are phones going to just be installed into our eyeballs? That should be thief-proof… right?

Anyway, I gave my best wishes that whoever took it was able to provide for themselves and/or family because of it, and that they may one day find a path that brings them self-sustaining financial wealth. The money I lost would come back to me ten fold.

Time to move on.

As I boarded the bus from Oaxaca city to Mexico City, the end of my Tour of Oaxaca State Life Chapter materialized before my eyes. Present turned into the past tense. My eyes welled with emotion and my heart felt so many feelings: amazement, sadness, pride… and gratitude. So much gratitude. August in Puerto Escondido and Mexico City, September in Mazunte and the Sierra Sur mountains, and October in Oaxaca de Juárez. What I was craving more than anything at that moment was family and community. Empowering as it is to depend fully on myself, life is all about balance, and I was ready to go home and let someone else take care of me.

Chapter 7: The Bird is Ready for Some Serious Nest Time

Before flying back to California, I spent a week in Mexico City reconnecting with my community. The process of reflecting upon my months of adventures and growth began as I caught up with beloved friends. Then, it was off to LAX to make it home in time for Thanksgiving. The Beth who was home in July vs the Beth who came home in November felt more centered, more confident, and closer to finding clarity… but still, not quite there.

Patience. I was doing my best to be patient with myself.

Meanwhile, I accepted all of the love and help of my incredible family.

It is a glorious gift to be able to have a safe and nurturing nest to be able to lay down my tired wings.

At home, I called on more than just my family to help guide me to clarity - I also reached out to a professional. Back in Mazunte, my cabin buddy had introduced me to the podcast As Above, So Below, hosted by Cato, a professional astrologer and business coach. I had been wanting to get a reading done for so long but hadn’t found the right person or moment. Once I finished listening to every podcast episode, I knew she was it. I booked the session for the day before Thanksgiving.

To nobody’s surprise, my biggest hope for the reading was to gain insight as to what I should do with my life. As Cato specializes in Evolutionary Astrology, that is one of the main offerings of this way of interpreting charts: to discover what is my soul’s blueprint and life purpose.

If I had to describe the session in three words, they would be Unlock, Recharge, and Inspire.

Hearing her describe my planets, houses, and transits affirmed ideas I had been toying around with as well as lit up new neural pathways. It was like the dark sky was suddenly filled with bright stars, all within touchable distance. Like the cosmos, they were there all along, I was just given the guidance to look up and identify them. After she articulated so many of my innate talents and interests, I felt like I had all the ingredients laid out in front of me. The only question remaining was: what recipe would I choose? (Yes I used two metaphors in one paragraph and yes I’m keeping them both. I’m an Aquarius sun and will rebel against all rules, and a stubborn Taurus rising who will find any excuse to talk about food. Hehehe)

Days after the reading, Cato reached out to me to let me know she was having a Black Friday sale on her upcoming Astrology Course offering. With hardly a second thought, I signed up. It felt perfectly in line with my goal to invest in myself and my passions, one of them having always been astrology. Since it was presented to me so easily in my path, my gut said go for it. TIme to start breaking patterns and doing something new! Excitement fluttered in my heart and fresh doors of opportunity began constructing themselves in my brain.

Other housekeeping items I got done at home was pressing the Reset button on my material belongings to reprogram for a new chapter. I had been lugging around a 50 pound suitcase, duffel bag, and backpack throughout Oaxaca and I was so ready to downsize. It was all too clear that I had been holding on to too much, making it difficult to move - physically, and metaphorically. This time, I mindfully stocked my backpacking backpack with clothes for both hot and cold weather, made the painful decision to leave behind my nail polish collection, and added my newly acquired travel yoga mat and iPad to the set up. Instead of carrying around my markers, colored pencils, crayons, drawing pad, and books, I decided that an iPad would fulfill my artistic desires when they arrived, act as a reader for any book I may want, and be a replacement for my work laptop when the time came to quit my job. The cherries on top were a Swiss army knife keychain and a headlamp, gifted to me by my dad. Never underestimate the value of either of those tools.

After two weeks at home, it was back to LAX . There is a special type of confidence inspired by the feeling of being prepared for anything with just the gear carried on your back. I decided to begin this leg of Mexico travels in a new way: previously, I had booked in advance all the places I stayed in. However, this time, I decided to try something different - stay in a hostel for the weekend and look for a place once I got there.

Why? (a question especially asked by my plan-loving parents)

I wanted to try trusting the Universe.

To do something different to then trigger new outcomes. I was trying to get unstuck, and that would not happen by doing things the same way.

Plus, seeing places in person is way different than online. An added bonus.

After taking the first day to get a lay of the land, do a free walking tour, and get added to a Whatsapp group for housing, my second day in San Cristóbal de las Casas had a clear goal: find a place to rent by the end of the day. That Sunday turned into a real life International House Hunters episode and I had a blast. I visited three apartments, made a little visual of their pros and cons, but in the end, I relied most on my intuition to guide me to make a decision.

Of the three, there was one that stood out. It was a suite style apartment in a compound with a garden and sixteen total units, the majority occupied by young, international humans. As an added bonus, across the street was a community center that hosted donation based dinners every Friday, organized in part by some of the neighbors in my apartment building. 

Community.

It came with a built-in community.

Now, wouldn’t that be a wonderful thing to be able to filter for in an apartment searching app?

Happy as a clam, I unpacked my things and began the nesting process. San Cristóbal de las Casas, or San Cris for short, is a Pueblo Mágico in the state of Chiapas, nestled 2,200 m (7,200 ft) up in the mountains. Just like my previous travels, trusted sources had recommended this town for reasons such as its abundant nature, indigenous cultural presence, and spiritual community presence.

In San Cris, I decided that my intention was to stay put. I had realized that as much as I love exploring, it is time consuming to make reservations, figure out buses, be in transit, get settled in a new place, etc etc. Instead, I wanted to use my free time to focus on my own projects.

Do less to do more.

Crisp, sunny days and chilly nights aligned beautifully with my intentions. Cold climates naturally bring out my more hermetic qualities, perfect for the introspection and focus for which I was yearning. Yet, the same frustration bubbled up.

What is my purpose? What am I doing? Where am I going?

Again, and again, and again, these heavy hitting questions flooded my brain, and I was still drowning. Yes, I had my ideas, but I felt like I needed to start making progress and I didn't know where to begin.

I needed fresh air. A new strategy.

A lightbulb clinked on in my brain: I should write about my journey.

Like a hike in the woods, if you realize you are lost, it is not recommended to keep moving forward. Instead, you should either stay where you are, or try to backtrack. Did I feel lost in the woods? Yes. So, maybe if I took the time to map out my past, I could get an idea of where I am now.

Now, isn’t it funny how the expression “we teach best what we most need to learn” is so spot on? I am passionate about mental health and work in the field, yet, I struggle to remember to use the very coping strategies I recommend.

Welp, better late than never.

So, I got to the mission. Every morning before work, I would get out my laptop and start writing. Instead of just journaling about this for my own sake, I decided that sharing my story could help others who might be feeling the same way. As children, we read books that help us learn to share, resolve conflicts, and be a better person. Where are the stories for young adults?

Always loving a good visual aid, the idea of a bird’s journey resonated as a way to structure the long tale I set out to tell.

And here we are now.

Chapter 8: What Happened Once the Bird Finally Stayed Still

Isolating myself during the week to focus on writing and work was easier knowing that on Friday night, I had a reliable plan: walk across the street to the Casa Lab community space for the weekly dinner. This completely erased the usual New Place routine of “how will I make friends? Where should I go? What if I don’t meet anyone and then I waste my time and money?” At Casa Lab, I already knew two of my neighbors would be there. I shared the invitation in the group chat with the rest of my apartment complex as well. And, since it was so close to my home, there was no need to worry about what time I finished work, how to get there, if I would be arriving late, etc, etc. All family style, all close to home, all inclusive. No resistance in sight.

There, I began making connections with people who all chose to eat family style over any other Friday night plan. This meant that we all valued community. With that already in common, I felt more confident that the people I met there were the type of people I wanted to be spending time around.

Just like that, San Cris felt like home. My new friends invited me to movies, dinners, day trips, and even a big family style Christmas (/Hanukkah, hehe) dinner. Even though I was feeling so happy with my community there and my experiment in staying static, months ago I had taken off the first week of January to allow myself to explore Guatemala. I had doubts about going, thinking maybe I should just stay in San Cris to do more writing, connecting, etc, but my gut said no - give yourself this vacation. Chase your dreams. Go be free.

There was also another reason why I wanted to get to know Guatemala: my maternal great grandfather is Guatemalan. Carlos Eduardo Lascoutx Campo was a pilot in the Guatemalan Air Force who planted his seed during a trip to California. My great grandmother, Claudia Rateaver, was not ready for the responsibility of being a mother and put their boy up for adoption. Claud Rateaver became James Dale Macomber upon adoption. My grandfather. After he found out he was adopted, he got in contact with his biological mother Claudia, and developed a passion to trace his biological family. With my grandmother and their four kids, they spent years traveling the world to research and document our family tree. Thanks to that, we have two published books that contain cataloged data of our family roots. No need to sign up for Ancestry.com for my mom’s side of the family!

Pretty incredible, huh? I am in awe of their work and so grateful for the time they took to connect with such long reaching branches of our family tree.

Getting back to the story, before the trip, I did some research as to where I wanted to go in Guatemala and what I wanted to do. I had heard about the overnight trip to the Acatenango Volcano, where you could see the active volcano Fuego erupting at night.

Lava. Real life lava.

My inner child overflowed with delight at the prospect, as little Beth was obsessed with dinosaurs and all types of natural disasters.

Then, someone I met at an Airbnb back in CDMX had told me that Lake Atitlán, the deepest lake in Central America, was a place people flocked to for New Years. Deciding it would be nice to ring in the New Years surrounded by nature, I booked a shuttle to Panajachel, one of the twelve towns that surround the lake.

And that was the end of my plans.

I booked nothing but the transportation there and decided to leave everything absolutely open for the eleven days I had off. To continue my exploration of surrendering to the Universe, I would rely on my intuition to guide me and flow with whatever felt right.

I believe that that was the key that unlocked a trip that gave me more than I could have ever imagined.

Chapter 9: The Bird Discovers a Magic Lake

On the journey to the lake, the people I made friends with in the bus were all going to the same place: the Cosmic Convergence Festival. I had heard of the festival and knew someone from San Cris was going, but it was pretty expensive, and I did not want to commit to anything in advance. However, one of my guiding principles is to be around people I want to be like, so judging from the fact that the people I seemed to vibe with the most on the bus were going to the festival, I decided it was a sign that that is where I should go, too.

Something fascinating I learned from a person I met on the bus, Cozcacuahutli (or Cozcatl for short) from Mexico, is that at the bottom of Lake Atitlán is a submerged Mayan village. Basically a Guatemalan Atlantis. Then, let’s not forget that the lake is bordered by not one, not two, but three volcanoes. That’s a lot of fiery, spiritual energy for one lake.

Upon arrival in Panajachel, Cozcatl and I put our belongings down in a room rented to us by a friend of his. Exhausted from the 13 hour journey across Mexico and Guatemala, we ate dinner, browsed the unbelievably creative and colorful textiles for sale, then called it an early night.

The next morning, we crossed paths with three other people headed to the festival, Joey, Daniella, and Michael. They invited us to join forces and charter a ride directly to Santiago, the town where the festival was held. As we sped across the choppy waters, I got my first daytime view of Lake Atitlán.

I was taken aback.

The three volcanoes seemed to have a humble, graceful presence, kind of like big dog energy: they were aware of their grand beauty and power, but did think themselves better than anyone because of it. As my mouth gaped open, Joey shared that he had manifested some of his greatest dreams at this lake. Zaps of electricity sparked inside me and I felt the magic energy of the lake light me up. Big things were coming, I could feel it.

Exhilarated by the brisk winds of the boat ride, we arrived in Santiago hungry for the next adventure. We parted ways with the three musketeers and bumped our way in a tuk tuk across cobblestones and dirt roads to the festival entrance. Cozcatl met up with some friends of his and after setting up the tent and painting our faces, I was eager to check out this new environment on my own. While walking around, a woman announced the beginning of a self defense workshop, so I took that as my opportunity to separate myself from the group. Immersing myself in all that the festival had to offer began.

At the workshop, I connected with a woman who had been given a big tent in the artist’s camping section to stay in, as she was going to step in and play drums for a band in need. She offered to share her tent with me, which I gratefully accepted, as Cozcatl’s tent would have been a little snug for two. Once my sleeping situation was settled, I was in need of some alone time, so I found a path to the water and took out my journal.

I closed my eyes and breathed, in and out deeply.

I felt the brisk air fill my lungs and after a few moments, reopened my eyes.

Somehow, I was at a music festival on a lake with a sunken ancient town at the bottom and volcanoes all around. I felt deep gratitude for the ability to be alive in such a special place and thanked myself for all the work I did to bring me there. It was December 30th, 2022 and time to set intentions for the New Year.

When pen hit the paper, the difference between writing my intentions for 2022 and for 2023 was clear: this time, I wrote detailed, specific goals. Instead of just “work hard on passion projects”, I specified that I wanted to write in my blog at least once every three months, host one storytelling event, etc. Manifesting my dreams using the magic of the lake inspired me, and I felt the beauty surrounding me seep into my every cell.

I soaked it up like a sponge.

I became as present as possible, consciously anchoring myself in that moment so I could later come back to that feeling whenever I may desire.

Inspired by the idea of using the lake’s mystical energy to manifest my own dreams, I decided to open up about some of the concepts I had been developing and see what it felt like to share them. With surprising speed, the Universe ushered people who mirrored my state of consciousness into my path: astrologers, female program leaders, community builders. When I shared my ideas with them, I was met with encouragement, praise, and offers to stay in touch. Co-creating with people who want to do the same things as me or are already doing them was an ingredient I had overlooked, and definitely now added to the recipe.

I also found that the more vocal I became about my intentions, the more energy of support I felt. People really listened to my ideas and gave me valuable feedback. Each new perspective was like shining a new light on an idea, so that little by little, the beginning embryonic stage of my dreams began to form recognizable shapes, colors, textures, movement, smells, and sounds. Clarity. It was all coming together.

In these moments, I began to understand why people use the phrase “to birth an idea”. My long period of preparation was necessary and natural, and now I was starting to feel the first thrilling kicks of life.

After the festival, I spent three nights in San Marcos la Laguna, another town on the lake. This was the most spiritual of them all and became sort of the after-party of the festival - in the drum circle, medicine songs type of way. Just minutes after disembarking the speed boat, I was walking up "Hippie Highway" - aka the main pedestrian path of the town - and was approached by a muscular, handsome Italian man, asking "Do you need a hostel?" It was love at first sight - with San Marcos, I mean. Immediately I was welcomed into a sweet hostel with a garden, outdoor kitchen, and a two story house equipped with plenty of comfy beds.

Exhausted after my nights of camping in the cold at the festival, I dropped anchor on one of the beds and connected to Wifi for the first time in days. Some long minutes of scrolling later, I heard the door open, and my Italian host Eduardo had caught another homeless fish from the stream. The fish's name was Dario, from Costa Rica, and somehow full of energy despite the fact that he had also attended the festival. He promptly asked me if I had eaten yet, which I hadn't, and informed me we could go together once he had a shower. Ah yes, those two basic needs I needed to accomplish. Saved by this cheerful angel, I lugged myself off the bed to feel hot water on my body for the first time since arriving in Guatemala and go off in search of sustenance with my new friend.

In our hostel with no name, Dario and I soon added Klas and Amanda, a couple from Sweden who had also been at Cosmic, to our happy family. It makes me laugh that I lived in Sweden for nine months but had to go all the way to Guatemala to actually make Swedish friends. Being around these kindhearted souls was like tying the bow on the festival experience. We cooked together, explored together, shared dreams together, and laughed together - lots and lots of laughing.

I bid them a temporary goodbye, because I still had one last thing I had to do: climb the Acatenango Volcano. Through a tour company in San Marcos, I was able to arrange transportation from the lake to Antigua, where I would link up with the group I'd do the hike with. My group turned out to just be myself and a Costa Rican couple, who were pleasant but not too talkative, and we were taken by a driver to our local guide's house. There, we met Jorge and his family, who provided us with a packed lunch, water, and walking sticks (I already had a headlamp, remember? Just had to point that out. Ok, back to the story). We were then whisked off to the base of the volcano to began the steep, uphill climb. Five hours of huffing, puffing, peeling layers on and off, a stop for lunch, and countless breaks later, we arrived to base camp on the side of the volcano. It was time for a nap. When night arrived, the temperature plummeted and the wind soared, but that is when the active volcano Fuego begins to erupt. About every half an hour to hour or so, if you are watching at the right moment, the volcano explodes and you can see lava trickle down in little vein-like rivers. Bucket list item completed: see lava in real life.

Throughout the night, it was exhilarating being awakened by the boom of wind from the eruption. The air would slam into the plastic walls of our camp and we could feel the ground shake. After the boom, the clashing sound of rocks sliding down its gravely body always followed. In a way, I was reminded of sleeping next to the ocean, except instead of waves, it was lava, rocks, and smoke causing the sounds. Definitely the most extreme camping experience I've ever had. That night, the winds were too strong to be able to safely attempt the optional nocturnal hike to Fuego. It was something I would have wanted to do; however, the freezing temperatures and the state of fatigue I was in also welcomed the opportunity to sleep instead.

In the morning, we awoke to a gorgeous sunrise. It is curious how Fuego's lava becomes shy during the day, emitting only clouds of black smoke. Once we finished breakfast, we all agreed we wanted to do the final optional hike to the top of Acatenango. Reaching the top of the 13,041 ft (3,976 m) summit was one of the most difficult physical experiences I have ever paid and willingly chosen to be put through (humans are so insane), but worth it. I mean, I can't say I climbed almost all the way to the top.

If 2023 started with me sleeping next to an active volcano and climbing to the top of an even higher dormant one, what will I be able to accomplish with the rest of the year? Achieving that will be my reminder that with a clear goal, proper preparation, endurance, and determination, I will be able to make more dreams come true. The only limit is my imagination.

Chapter 10: The Bird Prepares to Hatch Some Eggs

I had been pushing myself so hard to find answers, I had gotten stuck in my mind. When I dropped down into my heart and intuition, it was like everything shifted into place.

Once I paused to consider what I already knew how to do, I realized how many talents and how much experience I have. I had been allowing society’s conditioning messages that I needed to pursue a Master’s, or find a high paying position with ample benefits, or work extra hard to climb the corporate ladder as the only outlets to further my professional life. That was what was making me feel stuck. Perhaps in a previous generation, those were the options. A set in stone formula that rigidly demanded all people should evolve in the same way.

Well, all people are not the same.

When I allowed myself to imagine and dream big, that was where I finally found a path that lit up my insides.

Astrology.

Community building.

Working with teenage girls, their moms, and their grandmas in education and recreation.

Creating something.

Since what society presented to me did not resonate, I realized that I have to create my own path.

Duuuh, I’m an Aquarius Sun, Mars, and Venus. I can’t do anything like anyone else. I am here to innovate, rebel, and change the world - not follow anyone else’s rules.

So, now what?

Time to take action.

Day by day, I am going to take steps that will bring me closer to my goals.

January 18th, 2023 was the start of the Astrology Course that I signed up for back on Black Friday. By the end of this course, I will possess the astrological knowledge and business strategies to be able to become a professional astrologer.

That is my short term professional goal.

My long term professional goal came to me when I sat with rapé on the rooftop in Puerto Escondido. The initial seed that sprouted was a general idea: I wanted to create some kind of outside of school, wellness retreat-style program for girls. Since that initial bloom, the vines have been slowly and steadily creeping throughout my body, forming more and more connections until I now have a living, breathing goal rooted deep within me.

I want to create a program for teenage girls to come together, form sisterhood, learn about essential life topics not taught in school, combine generations, and have fun while doing it. There is such a need for more spaces for girls and women to connect, everywhere in the world, so we can share knowledge, support each other through our highs and our lows, and create community - for all, without sports, politics, religion, culture, etc being at the center.

Creating this program would use every single one of my talents and experiences to form something that I see that our world lacks. At the end of this post, I’ll share more about this, for anyone interested.

Excitement buzzes through my body just to talk about it.

And there you have it.

My life journey over the past 10 years.

What it’s taken for me to finally find clarity. For the first time ever, I feel like I know who I am and my purpose in life. (At this moment, at least)

And it’s only just beginning.

In astrology, there is an important transit called a Saturn return, which usually takes place between the ages of 27 and 30, caused by Saturn returning to the same position it was when you were born. During this time, you will be forced to face the areas of your life that you may have previously ignored, as Saturn represents topics like maturity, hard work, accountability, and adulthood. The opportunity is to get serious about what your legacy is and take responsibility, or resist and continue playing it small. If you choose the latter option, when your Saturn return comes around a second time 30 years later, you will have the same problems to face.

Well, I am fully immersed in my Saturn return and am choosing to embrace it. I have suffered from being constantly wrought with thoughts of “Am I doing what I’m really supposed to be doing?” and answering no, time and time again. However, growth is uncomfortable, so out of this discomfort I am now finally feeling like I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I am ready to make the changes in my life to close the first chapter and welcome in a beautiful transformation into adulthood. I am thrilled with the possibilities that await me and am committed to working hard to achieve them. A message I received at the magical lake in Guatemala was that there is no time to play small. We must dream big, as the universe is counting on each and every one of us to do what we can to restore love and light into the world. I am taking that energy into 2023 and sharing my intentions so that I will be held accountable.

My hope is that by sharing my journey, others may resonate and gain comfort in knowing they are not alone in feeling lost, or ready for a big change. We must rise together to create the New World of our dreams. It is possible, but only through a collective shift. And that is happening.

So, that is what I’ve been doing :-)

♡ The End ♡ 

More About my Program Idea and Inspiration

Ever since my first job as a Camp Counselor at my temple’s summer camp, I've been searching for ways to make that position last throughout the year. Hence the reason I chose to study the Youth Work and Out of School Time concentration in my Child and Adolescent Development degree, as I knew I wanted to do something with kids, just not in school.

After years of working different jobs with children, I was feeling unbalanced, as I also had many other passions that tugged at my heart. I would love to study art, or nutrition, or plants, or yoga, or tour guiding, or therapy. The idea of picking just one stressed me out.

So… why not combine them all?

The solution: a program focused on girls and women to come together, form community, and empower the feminine uprising currently occurring on our planet. And make it fun, of course.

I want to take the best parts of the activities I grew up with that helped shape me, as well as what I have learned as an adult that I wish I knew as a kid.

One inspiration comes from the YMCA program I did growing up called Adventure Guides (previously Indian Guides, before PC culture emerged), similar to Girl/Boy Scouts. I was in a father daughter “tribe” that would meet once a month at a different member’s house to do arts and crafts, eat snacks, and always ended with a ritual that for each life event passed, we would receive a specific colored bead to add onto our necklace. Additionally, twice a year, all of the Adventure Guides tribes would gather for a weekend camping trip. Everyone would bring supplies not only for themselves, but also to contribute to communal meals, and of course prepare a skit to be presented around the fire on the last night of the weekend. All of this, in hindsight, was teaching me how to camp, survival skills, and intergenerational, communal living.

Another huge inspiration comes from my Jewish upbringing. I have so much gratitude for being raised in the Jewish community it’s hard to know where to begin. Despite what may come to mind when imagining an organized religion, Temple Beth Torah’s influence taught me to be open minded, humanitarian, spiritual, culturally aware, and outspoken. In the Torah, we are commanded to do “mitzvot”, or good deeds - not to get into Heaven or avoid Hell (Jews don’t have either of these beliefs); rather, just because it is the right thing to do. If you combine that with our long (and continued) history of persecution, this produces a person who really honors the value of helping others, no matter their background. Highlights from my Jewish education include social action projects, guided meditations during youth led services, organizing overnight raves in our temple for other Southern California Jewish high school youth groups to attend (yes, you read that right), and sweaty song sessions where we would belt our hearts out to “Wonderwall” accompanied by a throng of acoustic guitar wielding teenagers (looking back, some of the songs we sang were medicine songs that I continue to hear around healing ceremony fires). And, coincidentally, the Jewish high school youth group organization I was a part of, NFTY, also gave beads to add to your necklace for each event attended. Very tribal to use a decorative, visual system to determine someone’s status in life.

So, the dream is to form an intergenerational community and invite teachers of different disciplines to share their knowledge about subjects not commonly covered in the educational system. This is what I mean by the things that I wish I had learned when I was younger. My hope would be that early exposure to a wide variety of topics could lead to something sparking the interest of the participants, later turning into a roaring flame of passion and leadership.

PS - if you know someone doing something like this, have an idea, or want to somehow contribute, please message me! Co-creation is the best kind of creation ♡

Afterword

It has been a grounding and humbling experience converting my journey to words. This began as an exercise for myself to figure out what I’m doing. Thanks to my therapist pointing out that I am a visual learner, she suggested I draw or write out my life path, then add branches of ideas of where I could see it going. This is my interpretation of that suggestion, and wow am I proud of the hard work I put into it. I had been feeling like nobody really knows what I’ve been up to, seeing as I’m constantly moving around and interacting with new people that just know bits of my story. Then, I also realized, I don’t even fully know what I’ve been doing, as I haven’t given myself much time to stop, reflect, and think about how I want to move forward.

By pulling out the internal threads and weaving them into an external piece, I finally can put the finished work on the table and say “Look! This is me”. Now that I’ve made sense of my past and validated my experiences, I feel confident in charting the next course. I know where I’ve been and now I know where I want to go.

As a final anecdote, I was fortunate enough to experience the powerful Bufo medicine in a healing ceremony recently. When I returned to my body, I walked away from the group to give myself space, and immediately my eyes were drawn to a nest in a tree. Immediately, I thought about this story and felt grateful that the universe gave me such a clear sign. Synchronicity is so beautiful.

To conclude, I would love for anyone to reach out about anything this post might have stirred up inside you. Maybe you resonate with something, have questions, or share a common goal - whatever it may be, send me a message.

Thank you so much for reading and witnessing me on my journey. I love and appreciate you.

♡♡♡

[itsthebethblogever]

A Treat-less Halloween: My DUI Story

It was a chilly Sunday evening in Ventura, California: October 31st, 2021. Without any Halloween plans, I was watching TV at Parents House Ave. From time to time, clusters of costumed kiddos accompanied by their posse of chaperones would come shuffling up to our doorstep. They would shout "trick or treat!" in high pitched voices, trigger a small heart attack, and patiently wait for me to recover, hop off the sofa, and deliver their sugary child drugs. Other than that, the house was quite peaceful, too peaceful, and I began to reflect on why me, a 27 year old extrovert, was not out.

For a number of reasons, I had been keeping Halloween at an arm's length - clubs are packed and expensive, roads more dangerous, and I had detached from the holiday which I barely celebrated during my years in Barcelona. Also, the idea of not wanting to join the 27 Club was always lingering in the back of my mind.

But then, it happened: my phone lit up. I had been invited to Paddy's downtown by a friend going with a group. The temptation to go to my favorite hometown bar, just a 15 minute drive from my house, instantly materialized as a crisp, crunchy carrot in front of my twitching rabbit nose. Well, it had been a long time since I celebrated the holiday in the US, so it seemed more than appropriate to hop over and take a quick peek.

My closet and I scheduled an urgent meeting to determine what in my wardrobe could be converted into a costume. We decided on my brother’s camouflage ski jacket - an “invisible” costume, har har har. Luckily, Paddy's is Ventura's premiere gay bar, so I knew anything would be accepted and embraced. Filled with the electrical kind of excitement that comes with last minute plans, I summoned my Dodge Ram to life and made the journey towards the unknown.

As soon as I pulled into the parking lot, I could tell that the bar was full of life - a sure sign I had made the right decision. I presented my ID and entered the Paddy's Halloween Vortex: welcoming smiles (some behind masks, others fanged), two rooms offering different grooves in each, and the plant-lined outdoor oasis where you can go to breathe some fresh air, chat, and have a smoke or a vape. After a quick scan, I found my friend, was introduced to the crew, and kicked off the celebration with a round of tequila shots.

Seeing how people transformed themselves with makeup, outfits, and even personas was like a joyous spell that enchanted me. What I thought was going to be a chill night quickly turned into a long, magical one. There were too many interesting, warm spirited people to meet, too many bops that had to be danced to, and too many free drinks generously placed into my hands by other gleeful goblins.

Everyone seemed to want the good vibes to last as long as possible and I was living for it. I was having a blast getting people to guess my invisible costume joke. At one point, I added lipstick to my ensemble, which had nothing to do with being invisible and everything to do with the fact that I was fully absorbed in the festive spirit. Without hesitation, I stayed the whole night, into the early morning, and until the bar closed.

By the time the lights turned on and the staff began to shepherd all the jolly ghouls out into the night, I felt like I had passed a lifetime in the bar. Even though it meant the party was over, I felt full of energy and momentum - well, boozy uncoordinated energy, but definitely the momentum to keep the party going! In Barcelona, the night usually does not end abruptly after the bar closes; rather, people generally walk to go find some food together or maybe to a friend’s apartment to have the last beer. However, I was in Ventura, so the sounds of car doors opening and shutting and engines roaring to life signaled that there was just one option: go home.

One of my friends asked if I was ok to drive, to which I replied yes, explaining that I had done this many times before and would be ok. The bar was just a 15 minute drive to my house and I felt awake. Besides, it was past 2am, and finding an Uber/Lyft even in the daytime in Ventura is like betting on a racecar - it looks promising, it gains speed, it passes the other cars, you get your hopes up, and then right before crossing the finish line… BOOM! The tires blow out, it spins out of control and your dreams dissipate into the stench of burning asphalt. So, without a second thought, I jumped into the cab of my 98 Dodge Ram, put on Chilombo by Jhené Aiko to get into a zen mode, turned on the ignition, pulled out of Paddy’s parking lot, and began singing my way home.

The next thing I remember is that my truck jolted to a stop. What? I found myself on the side of the 126 East, less than a thousand feet from the exit to my house. The early morning sun illuminated the scene that all looked right, except for that the vehicle wouldn't go forward. I looked around to understand what had happened, why the truck is no longer in motion, and I saw that my driver’s side window was gone. The rearview mirror is also not where it should be; instead, it is dangling on the side of the car by some still attached cables. I looked to my right and found that the passenger side window was also broken, shards of glass scattered on the seat and on the floor from both sides. My eyes opened wide in shock. My body began to fill with the prickly anxious feeling of being out of control, my heartbeat jolted into turbo mode, and my thoughts and actions started to speed up, as I realized something had gone wrong and I needed to figure it out, now. Fuck.

I tried again to put the car in drive, as my first worry was getting the truck back home, which was so close - I could see the promising green exit sign for Kimball right ahead. I wanted to get to my parents’ house where I could then deal with fixing the windows and whatever other damage there may be. Maybe if I shifted into another gear, I could get it to slowly roll home. I pleaded and pleaded with going in and out of drive, reverse, whatever the other options are… But nothing worked, not even park, so I kept the gear in neutral and jumped out of the truck to assess the damage (pictures attached at the end of this post).

On the empty highway, I noticed with dread that the front bumper of my truck was in the middle of the two lanes. I quickly went to retrieve it and chucked it into the truck’s bed to prevent any other cars from running it over. I began collecting other bits of scattered debris from the highway, gathering them with care and nervous speed, throwing them into the car, going back to get more, when, out of nowhere, I saw two men hopping over the chainlink fence next to the scene of the crash.

They made it over to me and my clean-up mission and explained that they live next to the highway, heard a crash, and jumped over to help. After I reassured them that I was fine, one wielded his phone’s flashlight to go stand behind the truck to warn and direct oncoming traffic, and the other stayed with me. He asked if I had insurance, which sparked a small flame of comfort in my chest as I realized that is one of those things you should do after an accident. I replied yes and I started typing in “AAA crash phone number” into Google, blessing the internet gods.

About eight minutes into waiting on hold with AAA, a California Highway Patrol car pulled up. By this point, not a thought had crossed my mind about what I had been doing before the crash, my only concern had been with the status of the truck and how I was going to get it home. The memory of Halloween at Paddy’s had been erased, replaced with the Mystery of the Immobile Truck.

One of the two officers got out of the car. The four of us gather, myself, the two good samaritans, and this new, uniformed character in the story. The young, clean shaven policeman asked me for my license, registration, and insurance, and began to inquire about the accident and everyone’s roles. After we delivered the summary, the two helpers who were not involved in the accident nor witnessed it handed over the reins of Helping Me to the officials. Just like that, these two men who came running to my rescue said their goodbyes and returned to the path behind the fence where they first appeared. Greg and Rob: Thank You.

The other officer began calling in a tow truck, as it turned out AAA does not suffice when the accident is a traffic hazard, and the other began questioning me. Still not worried in the slightest about the fact I had been drinking previously, I rejected all inquiries regarding my consumption. In my mind, the bar was a lifetime ago, but my slurred speech begged to differ. The cop asked me questions about the circumstances of the crash, like how both sides of the truck were damaged, did I spin, what did I hit, and it made me realize… I did not remember crashing. My memory went as far back as leaving the bar, and then to when the truck rolled to a stop. Bad. This was bad. It probably meant I had blacked out while driving. If the cops found that out… A feeling of shame and horror dropped into my gut. But I was determined to keep my poker face and remain calm.

Once the questioning ended, it was determined I had to do a field sobriety test. Believing my yoga practice would allow me to easily pass, I confidently set out to do all the tasks the officer asked me to. Apparently, these tests are yogi-proof, because I failed. I was given the options to either blow on a breathalyzer or be taken to a hospital to get my blood drawn. I opted for the breathalyzer - a little walkie talkie-type device that I was instructed to blow alllll of my lung capacity into. I did so, handed it back to the officer who wrote something down in a small notebook, handed it back to me, and ordered me to repeat the process a second time.

After taking another note, the cop put the writing tools away, and began to deliver the verdict: my blood alcohol was above the legal limit, my license is going to be confiscated, and I am being placed under arrest for drunk driving. I have the right to remain silent, the right to consult with an attorney… I kept up my serious and respectful disposition as I unconsciously acknowledged what he was telling me. Words were being spoken, floating towards me, entering my air space, but it was all an external flurry. Inside, I was still stuck in trying to make sense of the crash, and now here I am with someone who does not seem to care that I could have just died. Instead, he asked me to put my hands behind my back, secured them with a zip tie, and escorted me to the back of the police car.

...the back of a police car...

Why am I in a police car? I am supposed to be going home, I have work tomorrow. Well, today, because now it is technically Monday.

Wait, arrest? Me?

Likely influenced by the remaining effects of tequila in my veins, I could not compute what was going on. During the ride to the jail, or wherever they were taking me, I felt miles away. The young officer who had questioned me, sitting in the passenger seat, asked how long I had been driving for. Since I was 16, I replied, however, I have not lived in a place where I’ve needed a car since I was last living at home in high school. He inquired where I had been living. When I mentioned Barcelona, the other cop who was driving, who looked Hispanic, asked if I spoke Spanish. I told him yes and he was very interested. He started to ask me questions about Spain vs Castilian Spanish, where I learned it, etc etc, and… I was confused.

Where was I? In the back of an Uber making small talk or being taken against my will to an unknown place where some form of serious punishment awaits me? My usual chatty nature was gone, replaced by a protective instinct to guard myself from my captors. I answered their questions minimally but politely, figuring it was to my advantage to be on their good side.

Finally, we pulled into the Pre-trial Detention Facility of the Ventura Government Center. Perhaps to juxtapose the foreboding, rigid compound, it was obvious that lots of effort was put into the landscaping. Neatly trimmed shrubs and the occasional flower bed arose from a seas of burgundy wood chips. I was directed to wait outside, as they had to call a female officer to handle my booking.

After the night of drinking and the delay of the crash, my bladder woke up with a strong urgency. I asked one of the cops if I could go to the bathroom, but he said that I would have to wait until the female officer came. The pressure I felt told me waiting was not an option. All of a sudden, a feeling of rage and helplessness burst out of me. How is it that our society is half women half men but that is not the case with police?, I protested. My feminism was of no use at this moment, and it dawned on me that I was feeling a physical consequence of our patriarchal society.

Finally, after 20 minutes of pleading with the male officers, desperately moving my body to mask the painful urge, and further complaining about the unfairness of the situation, the female officer arrived and I was ushered into the building’s bathroom to relieve myself. I had never suffered that badly to hold in pee as I did that morning.

Next, the men were left behind and I was walked into the women's facilities. The booking process began with me handing over my things, getting patted down, and trading my black Converse for some orange Croc-like sandals. I was then shepherded to a window inside an enclosed area - which they locked to keep me inside, of course. I sat down in front of the in-shape, ponytailed officer who was waiting for me on the other side of the window. She started asking me questions about myself: if I had any scars, tattoos, sharp objects/drugs on my person, am I sure if I have any sharp objects/drugs on my person, etc. All of this information was fed into the antiquated government computer. After, I was let out of the little room to the other side of the booking area to do my mugshot, where they also photographed my tattoos. I thought about how the lipstick I applied ages ago back at the bar would be now reduced to faded, chapped red outlines - just as a mugshot should be. Lovely.

Then it was right back to the locked enclosure. I was left there to wait, presumably while they processed my information or prepared my cell or enjoyed watching me suffer - it was anyone’s guess, but certainly nobody would tell me for sure. Exhausted, I set my head down on my arms on the cold counter surface in an attempt to get some rest. Sleep immediately swept over me as soon as I closed my eyes. What seemed like minutes later, I was being woken up by the officer on the other side of the window who offered me a tray with breakfast items on it. With hazy, half awake vision, I tried to make sense of what it was: powdered scrambled eggs, a few tortillas, a peach cup, a glop of oatmeal, and a carton of milk. I slowly ingested everything except the milk, and it all had the same artificial flavorless taste. Definitely a rank below school lunches or airplane food. When the officer noticed my lack of interaction with the tray, it was retrieved and I was told I would now be brought into my cell. Something inside me woke up. It was really happening.

Inside the cell was a bench, a metal toilet, a toilet paper roll, a phone on a cord that looked like it came right out of a phone booth, and advertisements for lawyers plastered on the wall. The ads used lots of capital letters, mainly in red, black, and white, and the pictures of the impeccably groomed and suited lawyers were in full color. Looking up at the shouting, multi-lingual lawyer flyers provoked many questions: did they pay to have their advertisement inside the cell? What is the legality of that? Do some pay more to have a bigger flier and some less for just a business card? And, perhaps the most intriguing of all: do they realize their faces act as the only comparable form of art in a room where people have been trapped, encaged, and at their most vulnerable? Could there not be a more soothing form of visual distraction inside the cell?

The door had a window into the booking area which had the eerie, quiet energy of the early morning. I had been told that I could make two phone calls. As my iPhone was confiscated, I was limited to calling those whose numbers I have memorized. I started by trying to call my mom's cell. After dialing her number, a female robot voice informed me that the call would be collect and the recipient would be responsible for the fee. I consented and the phone began to ring, ring, ring… no luck. I proceeded to call my dad’s cell, two childhood friends, my mom's cell again, my dad's cell again, and again, and again, all without an answer. On top of that, the call would disconnect before it got to voicemail. This meant nobody knew where I was or why I had not returned home.

Defeated, I laid down on the bench and closed my eyes. Truthfully, even then, I still had no grasp on what was actually happening. The fact of my imprisonment seemed so inconceivable that it more just felt like I was in an odd, small room full of light at a time when I wanted to be asleep in my bed. Anger was at the top of my emotions. I was angry that I couldn’t get a hold of anyone and I was angry that I didn’t know what was going on or what would happen next. I felt it was unfair that nobody was picking up, probably due to the number being unrecognized, as well as that it was early in the morning - around 4am at that time. One positive I could identify was that I was wearing my brother’s ski jacket and thick socks, so I was able stay warm enough inside the otherwise frigid cage.

Fortunately, sleeping in unideal situations is one of my gifts, so I was able to get some rest. It also acted as a great escape for not wanting to deal with the present moment. When I would wake up at random times, I would try again to call my parents. The attempts remained unsuccessful. The faces of the lawyers continued to look down at me, their smiles seemingly mocking my state of utter desperation, so I would close my eyes in protest and irritably go back to sleep. When the sounds of voices and movement from outside my cell awoke me, I stood up to see what was going on.

One by one, I observed the slow process of the women in the cells next to mine being released: paperwork was signed, their belongings were given back, and doors were opened. Once the woman next to my cell was out, it seemed like my turn would be next. Before locking me in, I asked when I would be released, and I was told 7:30am. My anxiety increased with every passing minute, as the time was getting closer and closer to when I usually clock in to work, 8am.

From my cell window, I could see the two people that inhabited the blindingly white walled room: one was an inmate, identifiable by her blue scrubs, who was making her way through cleaning the already polished-looking windows of the booking room. The other was an officer, sitting and monitoring her progress. I got the attention of the staff person by waving from my door window and asked if I would be getting out soon. She seemed to think I would be, but didn’t give me a definite answer, so I continued my anxious wait inside the cell.

8am came and went and my stress began to peak. Finally, around a quarter past eight, an officer walked up to my door, confirmed my name, and let me out. She presented me with some paperwork to sign to acknowledge that my possessions had been returned as well as what I had been charged with and my rights. After I signed, she returned my belongings to me in a plastic bag and I gave them back their orange jail Crocs. I was free to go. I made my way out of the maze of the jail, through two guarded doors, and when I pushed open the door to freedom, it felt like I left behind an alien world and was transported back into the one I was familiar with. As the county court building was nearby, most people walking by seemed to be headed in that direction, cleanly dressed in business casual. Were any of them from the ads in the cell? It felt surreal walking out into a familiar area with the knowledge that I just emerged from jail. I wondered if other people were guessing that about me.

With fingers shaking from nerves, I opened the plastic bag full of my belongings to fish out my phone and noticed the screen had more cracks on it than I remembered. With the small amount of battery left on my phone, I called out of work with the excuse that I was sick. That being settled, my next task at hand was getting myself home, as I remembered the unsettling truth that I now had no car nor license. On that bright and sunny Monday morning, Ventura still had zero Ubers or Lyfts to be found. I settled on walking home, as I figured the sun and exercise would help, and it’s not exactly like I was in a rush to get anywhere.

On the walk home, I began making the calls that had been pending all night. With a feeling of dread, I broke the news first to my mom, after to my dad, then spent the rest of the walk home on the phone with my best friend. My parents had figured I spent the night at a friend’s house, so they had both left for work without much worry that I had not returned home. Neither of them had imagined I was in jail, so obviously they were struck with the news. My mom reacted with level-headed surprise, admitting she had no idea what I should do next, but that she will be home after work to support me. My dad was more emotional and seemed unable to believe that the daughter he raised would end up in a situation like this. That made two of us.

A lifetime of doing everything the best that I could - studying hard, exercising regularly, eating healthy, working dedicatedly, treating friends and family with love and care… all seemed to not matter. The police officers who arrested me did not know that I am usually a Good Person. They just cared that they caught me doing something Bad and were going to go tell on me to the Man.

Bad. Big. Life changing. Had something that I have almost no memory of really happen, and have the ability to have that big of an effect?

There was no denying it: I had messed up. My path had taken a crashing, stumbling turn down an ugly road.

Post-DUI: A Summary

Since I moved back from Barcelona in March 2021, I had been living with my parents with the sole intention of saving enough money to move to Brazil. Instead, I had to spend essentially everything I had saved on the DUI. With great sadness, I had to turn down the English Director volunteer position I had been offered in the beautiful beach town of Itacaré, Brazil. I was at a total loss of what to do next with my life. Intense, burning hot resistance filled me for weeks, months. My mind took control and would go through endless cycles of blame: the justice system for its harsh punishment when what I needed was support, Ventura for not having good public transit or ride share options, the US for legalizing alcohol, the media for normalizing drunk driving, but above all… myself, for ruining everything.

I had to get out of Ventura. Out of the US. I no longer felt I could live a second longer in the country that was doing this to me. I knew I wanted to quit my car-reliant job rather than go through the expensive and complicated process of applying for a restricted license, so I began to search for a remote position and a place to live that did not require driving.

After what seemed like an eternity of fruitless job searching and researching cities, I finally found the solution to all of my problems: Cerebral and Mexico City. A family friend referred me to the position of Client Coordinator with the online mental health company Cerebral and I finally worked out that the Mexican capital met all of my needs: affordable, good weather, outside the US, and walkable. Also, I would be able to attend all of my court-imposed classes via Zoom. The day after I found out my start date for the company, I booked a one-way ticket. For the first time, I saw a glimmer of light at the end of what I thought was a never ending tunnel of darkness.

Present Reflections

I consider myself very lucky for many reasons. Firstly, that I learned this lesson without physically hurting myself or anyone else. With far too many others, that is not the case. It was so hard already to bear the individual consequences, but if I had hurt someone else, or the unthinkable, been the cause for someone to lose their life… it terrifies me to my core to think that easily could have been the case.

I had money saved to pay for everything. I had no children or family members depending on me financially. I was living at home and not paying rent. I had my family, friends, and therapist’s support throughout my weakest moments - nobody turned their back on me for my mistake.

Thank You Mom, Dad, Chloé, my therapist Debbie, and everyone else who knows who they are.

Almost exactly a year has passed since my DUI and it makes me emotional to think about how much I have learned and changed. I do still mourn the loss of time and money.

The consequences of my one fun night of partying turned into $2,500 in lawyer fees, $2,377.00 fine for being found guilty of the misdemeanor charge Driving Under the Influence of Any Alcoholic Beverage, $2,650.98 in court fees, 36 months of probation, a $1,000 90 day DUI 1st Offender program that consisted of two different Zoom classes: Education, which I had every Tuesday from 5:30-7:30pm during 6 weeks, and Group, also every Tuesday, from 12-1:30pm for 12 weeks, plus three 30 minute phone call check ins with my assigned counselor.

My insurance covered the $3,317.65 Caltrans bill to repair the guard rail I damaged in the crash, covered $420 for a 12 day car rental, and sent a check for $4,598.03, the amount settled to cover the total loss of my Dodge Ram. After finding a replacement truck, I paid another $3,256.19 to my parents to balance the rest of the cost. Shortly after my conviction, AAA mailed me a notice that they would no longer cover me due to being an unsafe driver.

In total, out of pocket, I paid $11,784.17. $11,784.17. If I hadn’t had insurance, that amount would have gone up to $20,119.85.

My intention and hope for sharing my story is this: Learn From My Mistake. Please.

I know you have heard this before, but now, HEAR it: Pay $200 for an Uber. Wake your mom up at 4am. Sleep in your car. Get a parking ticket. Let your car get towed. Volunteer to be the designated driver.

Those are far more temporary consequences than a DUI.

When your stomach drops to see your bank account after the expensive taxi, or you complain about how bored you felt being the only sober one at the table, read my story again. Feel better about yourself that it was not you. It never has to be you.

Or, maybe it was you. Something I found out is that having a DUI is a lot more common than I thought. Which is awful. And, it made me realize - maybe if more people talked about their experience, it could prevent others from making the same mistake. I think the last time I had really sat down and thought about what the consequences of drunk driving was in depth was Health class in freshman year of high school, and you know what they say - out of sight, out of mind.

So here I am. Spending a Friday night finishing typing up an experience I do not like thinking about. But, there is nothing else I would rather be doing, because I choose to find meaning in what I went through. It is uncomfortable to share my story because it opens myself up to the judgment of others. These are the life experiences that usually never make it to Instagram stories. I do not hesitate to share my highs, but it has taken me a year to feel strong enough to share this low.

I want to incept your mind with a thought that I see in your future: “Uggghhh I just want to drive home, I only had one drink… but I read Beth’s stupid long story about her DUI and I know I should just call a [taxi/Uber/friend/…Ghostbusters?] instead of HORRIBLY CHANGING MY ENTIRE LIFE AND HOPES AND DREAMS”

Seriously.

And you all have my permission to tell everyone you know about my DUI.

I survived it, but others won’t.

Don’t take the risk that I did. It’s not worth it.

And it CAN happen to you.

I thought I was invincible, that things like this don’t happen to me.

I was so wrong.

So now, you can be Right.

My final message is: I’d like to offer my time to anyone who would like to reach out to me, for whatever reason. If you want to ask any questions, share an experience, or ask for advice on how to help someone you know, I am here to listen and help the best that I can. I will not judge you, and will only offer advice if you ask for it. Maybe you have made decisions you are not proud of and just want validation that you are not the only one. It is hard to break habits.

I think a lot of us have unhealthy relationships with substances that we don’t even recognize because it’s so normalized in our culture. I am also in no way saying I am completely healthy myself. I have definitely cooled down on the drinking, but I haven’t stopped, I’m just a lot more aware. I have even made more drinking-related mistakes after this. We are all humans doing our best, so we have to be patient and loving with ourselves. This Wednesday, for example, I went to a language exchange event at a bar and ordered a ginger ale as my drink. I love the bubblies, how ginger makes my gut feel, and the cold sensation every time I have a sip. And afterwards, I just got water water. Sometimes when I start feeling tired, rather than think an alcoholic drink will wake me up, I realize: maybe I’m dehydrated! Drinking water actually energizes you and allows you to stay awake and in a good mood for longer.

Oops okay I said final message, so this is my final final message: Let’s make drinking water at a bar sexy! Bring back the pickup line “mmm, aren’t you a tall glass of water?”! The days of discouraging people from drinking water because they'll "get less drunk" are in the past. If you drink more water, you will have less of a hangover the next day, so no matter if you are consuming alcohol or not, it is always in your best interest to stay hydrated.

Pictures of the truck taken from the yard where it was towed (taken for insurance purposes by my mom):

Non-alcohol related podcast episode about how to build/break habits:

Part 1:

Part 2:

Thank you SO much for reading! Sending you all the love and light!

PS: I am planning to make another post detailing what the whole post-DUI legal process was like, so if you are interested, watch out for that!

[itsthebethblogever]

How to Live With Your Parents for a Year: A Survival Guide

To mark my one year anniversary of moving from Barcelona to Parent's House Ave, I find myself with an itch to share my experiences. Enjoy!!! :-)

Luck

First and foremost, I recognize not everyone has a parent/guardian with the space or means to welcome their estranged child home. My parents had about a 2 week warning that their daughter was packing up her 5 years of life in a foreign country and moving back home. Fortunately, my childhood bedroom had been converted into a guest room, so I had two twin beds to choose from. If my sibling had also decided to move back at the same time as me, my mom’s office (converted from what used to be Jesse’s bedroom) would have faced an inevitable invasion. Let’s just say that two 20-something siblings are not likely to have the same enjoyment of sharing a room as they did when we had our Magic School Bus bunk bed.

Another aspect I am grateful for is my family’s third car. My parents each have a car they drive daily for work/life purposes; then, they’ve got a truck for my dad’s home projects. Additionally, it was bought when I was 16 so that I could have a car to drive myself and Jesse around. Fast forward 11 years later and that truck became my saving grace. When you live in the US, chances are your life is a lot more limited if you do not have access to a car.

YouTube Fitness Channels

Upon returning, I knew I had to continue my workout routine for my physical and mental health. Until I started a job, I didn’t want to worry about paying for a gym or starting classes that later I may be forced to abandon because of scheduling conflicts; so, what to do? My quest for finding a YouTube fitness channel I liked began. This process took some trial and error. For example: one day, I decided I’d challenge myself and do a strength training focused yoga class. I stumbled upon one channel from a male instructor (less common in the yoga world), so I decided to try him and his “strong yoga” out.

Bad. It started off bad. He had a German accent. Not soothing at all. I went from gentle, mindfulness-promoting female voices to an angry man mercilessly yelling at me to do more. I stuck out the class until the end but have not since returned to his channel. Others talk too much during the class and annoy me with stories about their personal life - like, how can you even be talking when I’m struggling to breathe? The point of these stories is to share that it took me a while to find the channels that offered me a variety of free classes from instructors that fit my groove. Yoga With Kassandra and Heather Robertson continue to offer me mountains of respite.

One Good Friend

In Barcelona, I could walk to the apartment of many of my closest friends in less than 10 minutes. Now, I am in the middle of suburbia, knowing that the majority of my close childhood friends have long left our hometown for cities, as I did. I went through my inventory of “who do I know from Ventura” and was blessed with Chloé. Covid times means that now, a majority of adults aged 18-29 live with their parents, so I was also able to reconnect with a few other friends in the same boat as me. But: quality > quantity. My initial reaction was to recreate my community of friends as fast as possible here, and I learned the hard way to have patience and use a selective eye. I have found that many people love the excitement and newness of reconnecting with an old friend who lived abroad, etc etc, but with many, that excitement faded after the initial hangout and they were not looking to join my reliable friend crew after all.

I get it, people have their routines and are comfortable; however, it hurt when some people did not understand how much I needed community at this time. This led me down two different paths of realization. One: maybe these people aren’t really meant to be my close friends. Maybe I am forcing those roles on them so that in my mind, I have a lively cast that knows their lines perfectly, but in reality, they are just people with their own lives that don’t feel the need to go out of their way to make me feel welcome. In that realization, I realized I am like the latter: I will almost always go out of my way for a person, new connection or old pal, to feel comfortable and supported in a new place, because I know what it’s like. I am highly empathetic and sensitive, qualities not everyone possesses.

This brings me to my other path of realization: I now have learned to be very aware of what I give in a relationship vs what I get. After years of staying in relative touch, Chloé came to my house to bring me flowers when I moved back. We got dinner and spontaneously booked a campsite. The rest is history. After a year of sharing our lives together, she has taught me that I do not need a large number of people around me to feel good, I need people who value me as I value them.

Dating Apps

In my week of mandatory quarantine, I am zero interested in knowing how many hours I spent on dating apps. Partly motivated by my newly single status and also my desire to make friends, I downloaded a couple apps and began my search. I became: Detective Beth. Learning how to judge a person based on a few pictures and sentences is enormously tricky, as we all know that it is not actually possible. So, I did my best, and became a fan of one app in particular, Feeld. What I like about this app - and now this is going to sound like a sponsored post, which by this point, I really should be getting money from them for the amount of people I’ve convinced to download it - is the people it attracts. To begin, you can sign up as an individual or a couple, making it friendly to the polyamorous and swinger community. Then, the selection of words to choose your sexual and gender identity from is the highest of any other app I’ve seen.

Thanks to Feeld, I found a fellow Spaniard who has since become one of my closest friends here. It also gave me a number of experiences and connections that added great fun and adventure to my life. Then, thanks to other apps, I… am laughing trying to write this in an eloquent way… learned how to value myself and set boundaries… the hard way*. Hahahaha

* with few exceptions

Putting yourself out there to meet new people is not easy, but using dating apps as a tool to expand my social life was so helpful. Going out to meet people organically is of course also possible, but sometimes less convenient (leaving the house, spending money, etc). When in the year 2022, do as the 2022ians do.

THERAPY

So, after reading about how much I’ve learned about relationships and blah blah blah, it is important to note: I did not do it all on my own. Starting therapy for the first time in my life has been a GAME CHANGER. I have always believed in and have been a strong proponent of therapy, in somewhat of a hypocritical way, as I had never participated myself. For a long time in Barcelona I had been wanting to start, but my lack of knowledge in navigating their health care system intimidated me enough to keep it on the backburner. Then, after a big breakup and international move, I figured it was now time.

Trusting the ads on many podcasts I listen to, I turned to BetterHelp (sign up using my link and we both get a week of free therapy!) and was saved. After filling out a questionnaire, I was matched with my therapist Debbie who has been an absolute godsend. She helped me navigate my relationship with my parents, see the truth in the friendships I had and was making, and best of all, teach me about me, but using therapy Jedi mind tricks so that actually, I did it myself. There continue to be weeks where I don’t think I have much I want to go over with her, and then the session ends with a pile of tear-stained Kleenexes and motivation to make yet another positive change.

Hobbies

That don’t cost money and/or require you to leave the house! This is something I learned in the pandemic, and surprise surprise, living with your parents can feel a bit like being quarantined at times. During periods of unemployment or weekends without plans, instead of turning inside myself and letting the dark thoughts creep in, I would do my best to turn to my favorite forms of self-expression and entertainment (emphasis on the “do my best”, as there were certainly days and nights where feelings of loneliness and sadness got the best of me, and let’s just say I prefer other types of parties to pity parties).

My go-to solo date was to drive to the beach with what I call my Art Bag that holds my sketchbook, poetry notebook, journal, markers/colored pencils/etc, friendship bracelet string, and whatever book I decide to grab from my bedside stack. I learned how to make the bed of my truck into a cozy little oasis (camping pad, blankets, pillows, snacks) and gave myself a much needed escape. Oftentimes I would catch up with long distance friends via video calls and it would feel almost the same as if we had hung out in-person.

Self Care

Before I go into this concept, I must address how the term ~*self-care*~ used to sound to me. Social media showed me well-designed images of colorful cartoon people gently encouraging everyone to ~*stop and relax*~ and appreciate ~*yummy stillness*~ and it was all soft and warm and fuzzy and vanilla. It never appealed to me. My idea of myself did not include staying in on a Friday night wearing a robe, doing facial masks, and donning fuzzy slippers…

…Until I tried it.

Then it became a very cute look, and my idea of myself expanded.

There are good influences on social media if you take the time to actually listen to what they are advising and the intention behind them. PSA: Social media self care reminders = solid. Perhaps juxtaposed against images of friends ascending mountain peaks, fine dining (and breathing!!), and advocating for social justice causes, I find myself feeling FOMO at the idea of “not doing something”. Hence my previous aversion to relaxing.

Nevertheless, I am now a strong advocate for all things that make me feel calm and loved: candles, tea, good food, Netflix, sleep, mani/pedis. Sometimes when my mind has its foot glued to the gas, the best remedy is a break.

Feel All Emotions

This one has got to be the hardest tool in the survival kit to equip and it is one I am still working on. It also is not specific to living at home; rather, it is representative of any individual’s quest to feel healthy mentally. Turns out, I struggle with vulnerability and prefer to have those around me think I always have everything under control. Then, when things go wrong and I feel out of control, I find it hard to a) accept it myself and b) allow others to see me feeling down. Why is this? The conclusion I have come to is that I have associated failure with shame. To get back to my comfort zone of being Happy Go Lucky Beth, I hide my discomfort from others and myself, shoving all unwanted emotions into a tightly locked chest. Doesn’t sound like a good long term solution, and it is not.

Then, what is? Normalizing all emotions. There are no good or bad emotions; all are valid. Which is funny, because this is a concept I would work on with my clients*.

*Amongst my fellow Support Counselor coworkers, we have all come to understand what the expression “take my advice, I’m not using it” means. You learn so much from working in the mental health care field; yet, it does not translate into being able to successfully apply it to your own life. Darn.

When experiencing An Emotion Previously Known As Bad, instead of repressing it, there are healthy ways of coping, like: screaming into a pillow, writing an angry letter then ripping it up, venting to a friend, or even asking Mom or Dad for a hug. After all, living with your parents means you’ve got two live-in sources of support.

In the end, it is not a sign of weakness for experiencing the full breadth of human emotions. Social media and being a woman are reasons that I recognize make me associate feelings like anger and sadness with shame. Additionally, our capitalist society tells us if we are not making a profit/advancing/hustling, then we are lazy and undeserving of rest and fun. Yet, rest and fun are the exact ingredients needed in order to achieve a balanced mind and body… oy vey.

Accept the Present

When I stop living in the past (Barcelona/San Francisco) and the future (when I move out), I am able to look around and see the many joys that are otherwise flying by, unnoticed, to my chaotic mind. I have a wonderful relationship with my parents and we have not spent this much time together since I was 18. They adopted an adorable doggie (after years of me wanting one… but ok cool, here we are now, present state of mind, wO0oOo). Ventura is a gorgeous city with near perfect weather. We are an hour away from Los Angeles, a place people around the globe dream of visiting. I don’t have to worry about certain financial responsibilities like rent. Maybe… If I allow myself to enjoy this time… I might actually enjoy it? Quite the revolutionary concept, but much better than resisting and fighting it.

Le Conclusion

I have found that living at home for a year has gifted me time for healing, slowing down, and taking count of what matters. By changing my mind frame from “ugh living at Parents House Ave sux” to “let’s enjoy the perks of Chalet Parents House ”, my inner dialogue became much more healthy. Opening up about my struggles to friends and family has also allowed me to normalize my situation, as so many people have been there, are there, or may be soon.

There is something to say about the necessity to keep your eyes on the prize, aka moving out. I wanted to focus on writing about first achieving flow, as that is the state of mind required to then be able to take the next step. Personally, I feel like if I hadn’t been given the time to learn these lessons, I may have stumbled across them in a more stressful time of life.

Anyhoo, I am grateful for whoever has taken the time to read this. My intention in writing this was to share my experiences that hopefully are relatable to some, as well as make it known that we are not alone in this! Additionally, this is a big exercise for me in vulnerability (like I said, something I’m working on), so it feels really great to open up about some of the difficulties I’ve experienced. Now, you know the rest: pLs LiKe, CoMmEnT, n SuBsCriBeEeEeeee!!!1!11

lul

Xoxo,

Beth <3