Spray easy cheese directly into my open mouth @jackzimmermemes - Tumblr Blog

my life is s cosmic joke and g-d is laughing at me 😭

https://gofund.me/538fcb95

bc why did this happen the night before my grandma's funeral??? @.g-d who hurt you?

#mutual aid request #gofundme #Please my bills are piling up and I'm paying more for my commute than I earn at work and I'm exhausted

soup-mother

As someone who isn't a furry but has very much grown up around furry art I kinda forget that it's shocking to some people. It's kinda just what a bunch of queer art looks like. That anthro dragon girl might as well be my coworker, what's your fucking problem?

lesbianshepard

if an archaeologist says an artifact was probably for “ritual purposes” it means “i have no fuckin clue”

but if they say it was for “fertility rituals” they mean “i know exactly what it was for but i dont want to say ‘ancient dildo’”

thecringeandwincefactory-deacti

Back in the day I worked at a certain very famous and very high caste art museum in the US as a junior curator. Part of my job was to catalog the objects in the museum database. This includes details like provenance, measurements, and a visual description of what the object looked like.

Like I said, the museum was a pretty snotty institution. It’s got a LOT of objects it’s way famous for possessing, but nobody knew about the absolutely massive collection of Moche erotic pottery it had because the curators were totally embarrassed by this stuff.

Some examples:

Pretty hot shit, right? They never, ever put any of this stuff on public view or published it in any catalogues but - we legit had like several hundred pieces of Moche ceramics in the “dirty pots” category. Anyway, I was left alone to just do my job with regard to the database for several years, ok? And I figured, well, these’re accessioned objects in the museum’s collection - better get down to bidness.

I catalogued every goddamn bestiality, necrophiliac, cocksucking, buttfucking, detached penis, and giant vulva drinking cup in that collection. I’d be like,

A drinking vessel in form of a standing man wearing a tunic and cap. He holds an oversized erection in his hands and stares into the distance (note I did not say “like he’s hella-constipated”). The vessel has a hole at both the tip of the penis as well as around the rim of the figure’s head, thus forcing the drinker to drink only from the penis or risk spilling wine all over themselves from the top of the vessel. Red and orange slip covers the surface of the piece.

Pretty straightforward, right? Apparently the deep seated fear of these objects that the curators exhibited was meant to spread to me as well, but - no one ever gave me that memo, because I guess Midwesterners reproduce asexually. When the curators understood that I had catalogued all of these objects in addition to the other, non-sexy pieces in the collection, they were apparently livid, but knew they had no legs to stand on in terms of getting pissed at me for it.

I visited the museum’s online public access database a few years back and - every single description I wrote of these pieces has been totally neutered to say something like Male figural vase.

Long story short? Just call a dildo a fucking dildo. It’s all gonna be ok, I swear.

workfornow

This is absolutely the MOST unusual reblog I have ever tagged with what is probably my second-favorite tag, “talk to me about your work.”

Plus it’s hilarious.

cloudfreed

I love ancient art history !!!!!

clockshunddachshund

@lowercasetrashwriter

scrimblobimblobadimbo-deactivat

Museums should have sections dedicated to artifacts like these with a warning that says “There’s a lot of private parts in here but we’re dedicated to displaying history so we won’t censor these. Enter at your own risk” or something. It’s prudish to deliberately hide history because of some ding dongs.

dovewithscales

Fucking Puritanism.

Unpopular opinion: Sex exists. Making body parts taboo is both psychologically bad for us and kinda stupid.

wizardarchetypes

was at the corner store getting a few snacks and a 7 year old with a single packet of two poptarts struck up a conversation with me while I was choosing between Chex mix flavors. weighed in on the flavors. They continued to follow me through the store all the way to checkout and stood there talking to me at the register so the cashier thought they were my kid and I finally said “are you possibly hoping for someone to buy those poptarts” and they pulled out a WAD of cash and said “nope just talking to ya.”

absolutely enchanting child no notes

wizardarchetypes

energy of an 85 year old who got freaky friday’d tbh

creaturelingart

FINALLY got good photos of my sculpture final. This is my dog his name is Sock.

creaturelingart

Look at my fish.

bviralmedia

Curious Tiger Chews on Cardboard Tube in His Outdoor Enclosure

albva

tanicappack

Audio description: many sniffs and grunts and growl/purrs

blade-liger-4ever

@milksugarjams

grimseverity

As Shakespeare would say, Tube or not tube

egregore-engine

online pal said "[medications] to go" and I'm giggling at the idea of going to the pharmacy and having medications "for here." I sit down at a plastic chair and table with a plate full of antipsychotics and take them one by one while chatting with a college classmate I'm trying to fuck

mothermara

remember to bury the dead with a phone, everyone. these days the ferry terminal at the river styx wants you to download a fucking app

heavensenthousepet

when the subtitles have slight inaccuracies like synonyms and asynchronous abbreviations/lengthenings to what's actually being said

xenosaurus

One of my favorite tricks for designing alien species/cultures is to take a real animal with an interesting lifecycle and think about what that biology would translate to if they had human intelligence

xenosaurus

Example: silk moths as a base species

Because the moths themselves don’t eat and only live long enough to mate and then starve to death, the entire culture is made up of children and adolescents. The older children raise the younger ones, with families being made up of hatchmates from different years.

Because molts and eventual transformation into a short lived adult happen on a set schedule, families have a cycle— when your oldest set of siblings cocoon to become adults, you wait at the mating grounds and try to adopt their newborns after they pass. If that fails, you take any ‘orphans’ you can find.

Because death and birth are nearly simultaneous, they have a religion based around reincarnation, and infants with markings similar to a parent are often given their name. Claiming the offspring of a beloved family member is vitally important, because you want to be able to protect their soul and keep them close.

Because it’s hard to track the offspring of your male family members, there are sometimes major fights when a family sees an infant with familiar markings in another family’s clutch.

Between mating seasons, their culture is extremely food-oriented, because everyone is growing and silkworms eat nigh constantly. They spend most of their lives outdoors but sleep and shelter from bad weather in large family dwellings made from wood and the remains of the silk cocoons of prior generations.

xenosaurus

everyone is really vibing with the silkworm aliens I see

emilyscartoons

Who’s in

andwhatexcellentboiledpotatoes

I am so sick and tired of having to charge stuff every day of my miserable life!! My phone, my watch, my headphones, my vibrator, my backup vibrator, my emergency vibrator, the ancient cursed amulet of darkness that whispers to me....it's too much!!!

temporoyales

some musings on this scene

crunchymayo

Lord, grant me the strength to throw away this box that i'll never use, the courage to throw away this box that i'll never use, and the wisdom to throw away this box that i'll never use

vampireapologist-archive-deacti

Anyway that’s why you wear wool and a life jacket babeeeyyyy

vampireapologist-archive-deacti

The important thing about wool is that it continues to keep you warm even when it’s soaking wet.

Other natural fibers don’t do this. In fact, quite the opposite. Campers and boaters are usually familiar with the phrase, “cotton kills.” If you’re wet in cotton or linen, your clothes actually sap heat from your body.

If you sink in a lake in late October like I did today, staying warm is important. I was rescued long before I would’ve actually died, but cold makes your muscles seize up, which isn’t good if you have to swim to land.

Which brings me around to life jackets. If the water’s cold enough, you may only have five-ten minutes until your muscles seize (today I probably had 40-60, more than enough time to get to land if I hadn’t been picked up), and you’ll drown.

In a life jacket, even in extremely cold water, you can float semi-conscious for perhaps another 30 minutes or so before you actually freeze to death, which is usually when someone rescues you.

What’s more, you probably know that moving around on land warms you up. Jumping jacks, jogging in place, etc.

In water, moving actually makes you colder. You need to stay still curled up in a ball, which you can only do in a life jacket.

In wool AND life jacket, you’re warm, and your head’s above water, which is pretty much your only and entire goal.

If you’re allergic to wool, synthetics are available specifically for this purpose. I know I always say natural fibers are the way to go, but when it comes to safety, wear what protects you!

vampireapologist-archive-deacti

Yep! A really simple “experiment” I learned as a kid and now use in my own courses is sticking your hand in ice water. Compare moving it around in the water to curling it up in a fist. The contrast is stark!

To increase your survival time in on cold water, you want to curl up! If you’re with others, you want to huddle!

Again, both are only possible when wearing a life jacket!

vampireapologist-archive-deacti

I know a lot of people are reblogging this for writing reference, but I like to believe that 7,000 people on this site were actually continually living in fear about this specific situation and that when the time comes, I’ve prepared them with what they need to know to survive.