A year on from the most heartbreaking and devastating day of my lifeā¦.The day I Lost my Best Friend, My Heroā¦.My Grandad.
Itās always hard to explain what someone means to you - but this time itās extra hard, to find the words to explain how much my Grandad meant to meā¦even in his Eulogy I donāt at the funeralā¦the words still didnāt match up to him.
You seeā¦he was more than a Grandad to me, he was my father figure and my best friend, I have never adored anyone as much as I do him. His smile could light up a room..and we had this bond you know, like a Bond that is indescribable.
Itās been a year without him, in a way it feels like yesterday and in another way it feels like foreverā¦.but itās changed meā¦some people think that grief is over in a month or a year, they donāt understand that it is a process that is experienced one day at a time.
Death changed meā¦.not in a good or bad way, but it changed me so much and this past year has been a total transformation of me, my outlook and my inner thoughts and inner talk, itās so hard to explain what I mean by thisā¦.but itās changed me so so much. There has been mixed emotions from anger, regret and just sheer sadnessā¦.but thatās all part of itā¦..Iāll never be the person I was before he went away
There are days I literally have to force myself out of bed, days I dont know how I can go on pretending anymore! You see just because you see a positive and happy and upbeat person in front of you - thats when people forget to ask āare you okā but as british as we are - Id prob just say āIm fineā
This is the first time I have experience death as an āadultā - I lost my dad when I was 10 - and that was heartbreaking, but as a kidā¦you are shielded,protected and donāt see all the āotherā stuff that goes on when someone passesā¦..so as much as that hurtā¦.I was 10 - I mean a childā¦.with child thoughts and a childās outlook on lifeā¦.this is what made Grandad my father figure.
Iāve lost friends (yes seriously) since his death, people who couldnāt just be there - a few simple words of support and instead have just walked out of my lifeā¦.but THANK YOU, as you have allowed me to put my energies into something else. Itās people who are there for you in your dark times, at your lowest point that you need around youā¦.not people who only want to know you when they need something or when times are good
Itās hit me hardā¦.I smile everyday hiding a million tears, I teach my classes and act like the clown - itās show business after all - a face for the stage. I am positive, and always trying to smile, make people laugh and be there to motivate and support peopleā¦when deep down most mornings getting out of bed is a choreā¦.do you know how hard it is to paint a smile on your face teach between 15-30 people a class and up to 5 classes a day when deep down inside you are breaking, your heart hurts and you just wanna run - run away as far as you canā¦ā¦you see Death Changed me.
Some days I canāt believe he is goneā¦I go over to his house, I buy him stuff when Iām outā¦and then it hits meā¦.heās not here.
I dream of him always, I still remember his faceā¦his smiling face that lights up a room. I still remember his hugs and are fun times togetherā¦.I am so very very grateful that I had him in my life for so so longā¦.but at the grand old age of 97 - maybe he had enoughā¦..he gained his wings and up he flew.
I know he is always with me, watching over me and guiding me in everything I doā¦..but still it hurts
Why am I sharing this? NOT for sympathy or NOT for everyone to start caringā¦.Im sharing because I am firm believer that writing things down and putting yourself out there,opening up and being vulnerable to feelings is OK, I am sharing because maybe someone else is going through this and needs the words of supportā¦Iām sharing because I want to - not for YOU or YOU or YOUā¦.but for ME.
You seeā¦death has changed me
Inside I am falling apart
Outside Iām smiling like the Cheshire Cat
Iām staying strong for my mum, supporting herā¦.which happened since the minute I found outā¦.I went into mental overdrive and was trying to be the āadultā and take charge of the situationā¦.as this is the only way I know how to copeā¦.weāll sort of
You see death has changed me
Iām broken - but I go on
A loss happens in a moment, but its aftermath lasts a lifetime.
As Freddie once said āThe Show Must go onā - after all itās just all show business
Always be kind as you never know what someone is going through.
Friends a simple txt, calling round and just being there for someone means more than a million Ā£Ā£Ā£ - even if you donāt know what to sayā¦.ābeing thereā for someoneā¦.is worth itās weight in gold
You see grief is a walk aloneā¦people can listen and be there but we will all walk down our own path, at our own paceā¦.in our own time. In reality I will grieve forever , I will never āget overā a loss so big, Iāll learn to life with it, and rebuild myself around the lossā¦I will never be whole again, I will never be the same.
You see you donāt just āget overā the loss - you just learn to live with it
Recovering the āmeā that went away with youā¦..thatās the hardest part of healing that I feel!
When my Grandad left - a part of me went with himā¦.Ill never get that part back - but its ok because in a way I dont want it back
germansingergirl
2087
turnnoffyourmind
titsay
theartofmadeline
kianamaiart
vaporwave