A year on from the most heartbreaking and devastating day of my life….The day I Lost my Best Friend, My Hero….My Grandad.
It’s always hard to explain what someone means to you - but this time it’s extra hard, to find the words to explain how much my Grandad meant to me…even in his Eulogy I don’t at the funeral…the words still didn’t match up to him.
You see…he was more than a Grandad to me, he was my father figure and my best friend, I have never adored anyone as much as I do him. His smile could light up a room..and we had this bond you know, like a Bond that is indescribable.
It’s been a year without him, in a way it feels like yesterday and in another way it feels like forever….but it’s changed me…some people think that grief is over in a month or a year, they don’t understand that it is a process that is experienced one day at a time.
Death changed me….not in a good or bad way, but it changed me so much and this past year has been a total transformation of me, my outlook and my inner thoughts and inner talk, it’s so hard to explain what I mean by this….but it’s changed me so so much. There has been mixed emotions from anger, regret and just sheer sadness….but that’s all part of it…..I’ll never be the person I was before he went away
There are days I literally have to force myself out of bed, days I dont know how I can go on pretending anymore! You see just because you see a positive and happy and upbeat person in front of you - thats when people forget to ask “are you ok” but as british as we are - Id prob just say “Im fine”
This is the first time I have experience death as an “adult” - I lost my dad when I was 10 - and that was heartbreaking, but as a kid…you are shielded,protected and don’t see all the “other” stuff that goes on when someone passes…..so as much as that hurt….I was 10 - I mean a child….with child thoughts and a child’s outlook on life….this is what made Grandad my father figure.
I’ve lost friends (yes seriously) since his death, people who couldn’t just be there - a few simple words of support and instead have just walked out of my life….but THANK YOU, as you have allowed me to put my energies into something else. It’s people who are there for you in your dark times, at your lowest point that you need around you….not people who only want to know you when they need something or when times are good
It’s hit me hard….I smile everyday hiding a million tears, I teach my classes and act like the clown - it’s show business after all - a face for the stage. I am positive, and always trying to smile, make people laugh and be there to motivate and support people…when deep down most mornings getting out of bed is a chore….do you know how hard it is to paint a smile on your face teach between 15-30 people a class and up to 5 classes a day when deep down inside you are breaking, your heart hurts and you just wanna run - run away as far as you can……you see Death Changed me.
Some days I can’t believe he is gone…I go over to his house, I buy him stuff when I’m out…and then it hits me….he’s not here.
I dream of him always, I still remember his face…his smiling face that lights up a room. I still remember his hugs and are fun times together….I am so very very grateful that I had him in my life for so so long….but at the grand old age of 97 - maybe he had enough…..he gained his wings and up he flew.
I know he is always with me, watching over me and guiding me in everything I do…..but still it hurts
Why am I sharing this? NOT for sympathy or NOT for everyone to start caring….Im sharing because I am firm believer that writing things down and putting yourself out there,opening up and being vulnerable to feelings is OK, I am sharing because maybe someone else is going through this and needs the words of support…I’m sharing because I want to - not for YOU or YOU or YOU….but for ME.
You see…death has changed me
Inside I am falling apart
Outside I’m smiling like the Cheshire Cat
I’m staying strong for my mum, supporting her….which happened since the minute I found out….I went into mental overdrive and was trying to be the “adult” and take charge of the situation….as this is the only way I know how to cope….we’ll sort of
You see death has changed me
I’m broken - but I go on
A loss happens in a moment, but its aftermath lasts a lifetime.
As Freddie once said “The Show Must go on” - after all it’s just all show business
Always be kind as you never know what someone is going through.
Friends a simple txt, calling round and just being there for someone means more than a million £££ - even if you don’t know what to say….“being there” for someone….is worth it’s weight in gold
You see grief is a walk alone…people can listen and be there but we will all walk down our own path, at our own pace….in our own time. In reality I will grieve forever , I will never “get over” a loss so big, I’ll learn to life with it, and rebuild myself around the loss…I will never be whole again, I will never be the same.
You see you don’t just “get over” the loss - you just learn to live with it
Recovering the “me” that went away with you…..that’s the hardest part of healing that I feel!
When my Grandad left - a part of me went with him….Ill never get that part back - but its ok because in a way I dont want it back
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