John Has Nothing Important To Say

[johnseminario]

The Fast & The Curious

With Fate Of The Furious speeding into theaters in just a few days, I decided to finally sit down and watch every Fast & Furious film for the very first time! Buckle up, mi familia, because it’s going to be a bumpy ride!

The Fast And The Furious

The Fast And The Furious literally begins with a truck heist. I get that there was a greater emphasis on street racing early on in this series, but to argue that these films “actually used to be about cars” might be a bridge too far. This movie is about an undercover cop attempting to get in good with a gang of street racers to ultimately bust whoever it is stealing all of the DVD players.

Favorite Moment: Vin Diesel shouting “NOS!” right before the car blows up.

2 Fast 2 Furious

While it certainly is nice to see the unconventional method of naming these movies become a thing so early on in the series, this one has very little going for it outside of that. 2 Fast 2 Furious is bad, but definitely not as bad as I was led to believe. Roman Pearce is a fun character with some good moments, and he and Brian work well as friends/partners, but everything else is largely forgettable. Oh right, Ludacris is also in this one!

Favorite Moment: Roman Pearce shouting “EJECT-O SEAT-O, CUZ!” right before he eject-o seat-o’s one of Carter Verone’s hired goons, obviously.

The Fast And The Furious: Tokyo Drift

Man, this movie is so much better than 2 Fast 2 Furious, and Han is still unquestionably the best character in the entire series. That being said, I understand why people would dislike it. At best, it’s The Car-ate Kid. At worst, it’s essentially The Fast And The Furious: Gaiden. Still, Han is a phenomenal character, drifting is cool, and the main character literally settles a debt with the Yakuza by winning a drift race so who gives a shit!

Favorite Moment: “Man, do you even know what ‘DK’ stands for?” / “Donkey Kong?” / “Drift King.”

Fast & Furious

Fast & Furious obviously lays the groundwork for everything that is to come, but it takes itself far too seriously. Also, they specifically went out of their way to set it before Tokyo Drift so why the heck is Han only in the very beginning of the film? The drug tunnel scenes were cool, though, and it was nice to finally see Brian and Dom onscreen together again. Oh, and Gal Gadot is in this one!

Favorite Moment: I mean yeah, the drug tunnel stuff.

Fast Five

I wish I had known going into this that it would be the last time I ever considered Tokyo Drift the best film in the series. It was my favorite for a long time and I will cherish it always... but Fast Five is so damn good. The Rock is incredible, all of the action is exceptionally well done, and the filmmakers make good on the reuinion that was only teased in Fast & Furious, pulling characters from every previous film into this one. Brian and Roman are messing with each other, Han and Giselle are flirting with each other, and Ludacris... is a hacker now? Sure, I guess that works. This was the payoff. This was the moment every longtime fan got to get up out of their seat and jump for joy. Everyone was here under one roof. It all feels like a good version of The Avengers.

Favorite Moment: I’m a sucker for a good “gathering the team” montage, and this one was real good.

Favorite Moment, Runner Up: The Rock looks over to his teammate, who is pinned under a jeep, when he sees a live grenade drop right in front of the helpless guy... and then another grenade drops next to that one. And the entire scene was in slow motion. Goddammit, that was hilarious. Rest in peace, Rock’s teammate.

Fast & Furious 6

In many ways, Fast & Furious 6 just feels like more Fast Five, but in many other ways, it also feels even better. All of the heavy hitters from the previous film return again, and even minor characters that you maybe didn’t know you remembered make a re-appearance. With so many cameos, it’s nice that none of this fan service ever feels forced and, instead, feels in service of the plot first and foremost. Also, Han essentially becomes a legitimately tragic character by the end of the film, so there’s that. I still have no idea how Ludacris got so good at hacking.

Favorite Moment: It’s a small thing, but I really enjoyed the fight scene between Han/Roman and Owen Shaw’s goon. Han is the coolest and Roman is the cockiest, so it was neat to see them be totally incompetent fighters. Not everyone can be good at everything.

Furious 7

For just how gradually the previous films ramped up in craziness, Furious 7 feels borderline too over-the-top at times. Jason Statham single handedly takes out an entire SWAT team, the Rock falls out of a three story window and has little more than a broken arm in a cast to show for it (which he will later flex out of when Dom and his crew need his help ((which ultimately leads to him driving an ambulance off of an overpass to destroy a drone pursuing Letty and Ramsey (((after which he removes the drone’s machine gun and uses it to shoot down an enemy helicopter)))))), and Vin Diesel duels Statham atop a parking garage with various repair tools and broken pieces of metal. This movie is nuts. But then you have the situation of real-life Paul Walker’s death, which the filmmakers handle super gracefully, paying their respects to both Walker, the actor, and Brian, the character he brought to life. To balance those two very different tones and to have it feel natural is no easy task, and the fact that the filmmakers have been so consistently good about getting into and out of those heavier character moments across all of these films speaks to the quality of writing that really is there.

Favorite Moment: You know what, the Paul Walker send off. That was legitimately touching and a great way to pay respect to his character.

Epilogue

Every few years, I would see yet another new trailer for yet another new Fast & Furious movie and I just wouldn’t understand it. “What the fuck do people see in these films?” I would think to myself, certain that the only people who could possibly enjoy these movies were brain dead morons who liked loud action movies, cool cars that go fast, and Vin Diesel. Those all sounded great on paper, I guess, but how do things like that keep a franchise going for years?

And hey, I’m not willing to discount the idea that there are plenty of people out there who are just in it for the super dumb shit.

I think there’s something admirable, though, about just how well everyone tasked with making these movies handles everything. These films do so many things way better than they need to. They found a way to turn paper thin characters into people with actual personalities. They went from a story about stealing DVD players to a story about, essentially super spies, and it somehow all found its way there naturally. They accidentally created a legitimately fantastic ensemble cast. These films know what they’re about, but they actively decide to be more because they care about these characters. And you know what? So do I.

Seriously though, I have no idea how Ludacris got so good at hacking.

Final Ranking

Fast Five

Fast & Furious 6

The Fast And The Furious: Tokyo Drift

Furious 7

The Fast And The Furious

Fast & Furious

2 Fast 2 Furious

What do you know, it really is about family!

[johnseminario]

Just saw a cop smoking a cigarette. How are we supposed to feel safe?

John Seminario

[johnseminario]

Violent Video Games Turned My Son Into A Pussy

In a world where video games are becoming much more prominent in mainstream society, it’s getting easier and easier to lose track of just what exactly our children are playing. Long gone are the days of sweaty computer nerds and comic book collectors. From young children to adults of all ages, everyone’s a gamer. Not all of these games are exactly family friendly, however. Now more than ever, parents should make it a priority to be mindful of the games they purchase for their kids, lest they end up like my own son - a pussy.

My son wasn’t always like this. There was a time when he showed promise. He played outside with friends, awkwardly tried to flirt with girls, and turned in the occasional late homework assignment. He was a pretty normal kid. That all changed, though, when his mother and I bought him an Xbox One for his 12th birthday.

Having never really been into games ourselves, we were pretty clueless when it came to knowing what he might like. The GameStop employee suggested a game called Dead Rising 3. We bought the game and gave it to our son. He was ecstatic. For a while, everything stayed pretty much the same. Over time, however, we noticed some odd behavior.

Our boy would be bullied by the other kids in the neighborhood. He would come straight home from school and immediately start playing that game of his. He showed a severe lack of interest in both friends and girls. We once threatened to take the game away from him and he fell to the floor and started crying. That’s when we realized something had to be done.

We snuck into his room one night and took the game. Upon closer inspection, we found that this particular game had been given an “M” rating, and wasn’t suitable for children 16 years of age or younger. We got rid of the game the following day. When our son found out, he whined for a week straight. Despite doing away with it, though, the damage is still there. He continues to dress weird and get called names like “bitch boy”, “cry baby”, and “queer nugget” by the rest of his peers.

Video games have their time and their place, absolutely, but I’m starting to feel like the line between what’s necessarily right and wrong is beginning to blur. I encourage all parents to start taking into consideration the ratings of these games before purchasing them for their children. It’s easy to forget that a super popular game like Call Of Duty is a “mature” game. If you’re not careful, your child could very well end up just like mine, and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

[johnseminario]

Having to tell my new neighbors that I'm a registered serial killer is always the worst part about moving.

John Seminario

[johnseminario]

Eight Guitarists Who Look Great On A List

Jimi Hendrix

What more can possibly be said about one of the most iconic and recognizable guitarists in history? Not much. Still, though, Jimi sure does look great shown next to these other phenomenal players!

Kurt Cobain

Cobain had a style that was all his own. His songs - while simple in form - would somehow contain catchy, infectious melodies that would be stuck in your head for days at a time! We don’t really care about that, though. This list isn’t really about that. It’s about how great Kurt looks featured in a list with other talented musicians - and, boy, does he look great!

Jack White

Forget, for a moment, how you feel about Jack White. Guacamole recipes and incriminating emails aside, he’s a superb guitarist that stacks up quite nicely next to these other eight shredders! And he can sing! Most importantly, he’s a great addition to this list!

Stevie Ray Vaughan

You can debate forever about whether Stevie Ray Vaughan or Jimi Hendrix is the more talented guitarist, but don’t do it here because this isn’t a ranking of any kind. This is merely a list of eight guitar players that look cool together. Alright Stevie!

Joan Jett

No list of guitarists could possibly be complete without Joan Jett! She’s just about as cool as they come! Can you believe this list?!

John Frusciante

When John Frusciante left RHCP for a second time in 2009 to pursue his solo career, many people had doubts about whether they would ever see this gifted guitarist on any sort of list with other well known players ever again. Bet those people feel pretty dumb right about now! Look at him! There he is! This is awesome! 

Johnny Ramone

Something Johnny Ramone was famous for as a guitarist was playing only downstrokes for every song, which is actually why we put him closer to the bottom of this list. It’s not like it matters anyway. We’re not making this list to argue about who’s better or worse, but simply that these particular guitar players all look pretty cool on a list together! Gabba Gabba Hey!

Jimmy Page

We may never get another Led Zeppelin reunion, sure, but that doesn’t mean we can’t have the next best thing: Jimmy Page - the lead guitar player himself - on some kind of cool list surrounded by seven other players. We feel like that’s a pretty okay takeaway, don’t you?

[johnseminario]

With all of these live-action Disney films coming out lately, I really don't know how to feel about my prepubescent Disney princess crushes anymore.

John Seminario

[johnseminario]

The Evans Torque Drum Key Is Great, But I Don’t Really Want To Talk About That

For some, tuning drums can be a real pain in the you-know-what. They try and they try, but they never manage to get their kit to sound quite how they want it to. Those days are finally a thing of the past, though, thanks to the new Evans Torque Drum Key! I just picked it up the other day and it’s fantastic! Basically, this tool allows you to… Look, I just don’t think I can do this. The truth is, you have a problem and it’s only getting worse.

We can’t just keep ignoring this. You’re hurting people both emotionally and physically. You’re hurting the people closest to you; the people that care about you more than anything else in the world. I mean, sure, I could’ve told you about how this new drum key locks all of my lugs to certain tensions, thus helping me get closer to where I want to be around the head, but enough is enough.

Is this what you want to be remembered for? Is this what you want your legacy to be? You’re scaring people. Your own kids are afraid of you. You’ve got to let me help you! You can’t keep pushing it to the side.

No more distractions. When I humor you like this - when I decide to play along with you and tell you about how the Evans Torque Drum Key is just as portable and convenient as any other drum key, and a crucial tool for any drummer struggling with tuning their kit - I’m just letting myself become an enabler, and that’s not fair to either of us.

It’s time to take action. We can do this! And when you finally see this thing through, you’ll feel amazing. You’ll feel great! Just like the Evans Torque Drum Key.

[johnseminario]

Kids in summer school don't deserve school zones.

John Seminario

[johnseminario]

Coping With The Fact That You Like Green Day: The American Idiot’s Guide

If you’re reading this right now, you’re probably terrified. You probably feel vulnerable and alone. It may feel as though your entire world has been turned upside down. Part of you may want to shut the whole world out, while another part of you may long for a comforting voice and a reassuring pat on the back. In short, you are ashamed of yourself - and you should be. If you’re reading this right now, you’ve just recently become a Green Day fan.

You’ve become a monster. You’ve become a horrible, gross, disgusting creature that should be cast out from cultured society. You’ve become a burden on both the people you love and the world as a whole. You should be locked in a cage and forbidden to see the light of day ever again until you choke to death on your own shitty musical tastes. Once you accept all of these truths, you can move forward, and you can start to make strides towards a life that may just be worth living - maybe. After all, not all monsters are bad.

How did this happen? How did you get here? Do you deserve this and, if so, why or why not? These are just a few of the many questions you should start asking yourself. Try your best to backtrack this thing. Dig deep into the recesses of both your conscious and unconscious mind for a better time: a time when you weren’t a fan of Billie Joe Armstrong and his gang of not-so-punk rockers. Do this, and you may already start to feel a little bit better. Understanding is the first step to coping, coping is the first step to accepting, and accepting is the first step to becoming a productive member of society - and not a walking abomination - once again.

Once you’ve somehow come to terms with the fact that you’ve become an uncultured, unsophisticated, embarrassing son of a bitch that none of your friends will ever want to be seen with in public ever again, you’ll have to figure out how to look the part. It’s important to remember that the clothes make the man or, in this case, the empty shell of a man that you’ve become. That being said, nothing says “Green Day is my favorite band in the entire goddamned world” better than the classic American Idiot album cover tee. Wear this with some black jeans, a studded belt, and some dirty Converse sneakers and you’ll be sure to fit right in. All of these items can be found at pretty much any Hot Topic store. If you don’t know what Hot Topic is, just head to your area’s local mall and follow the kids from Twilight.

Now that you’re dressed for “success”, you’ve got to act the part. The multiple rips in your skin-tight jeans that you most likely deliberately and carefully carved out way ahead of time mean absolutely nothing if the other socially awkward, misunderstood, rebellious fans don’t think you’re full of just as much teenage angst as the rest of them. Don’t be afraid to really push it to the limit here. Sure, hair dye and piercings are a good starting point, but regularly telling your parents and other authoritative figures in your life to “Shut the crap up and let me live my life you Nazi-Germany buttheads!” is what will really set you apart from the norm.

You know how you should look and you know how you should behave. Would your life be more fulfilling and worthwhile right now had you never made the fateful choice to click on “customers who like Blink 182 may also enjoy…” while scrolling through iTunes at 4:00 in the morning? It absolutely would be, but that doesn’t matter anymore because you’re okay with the very obvious wrong choices you’ve made, and you’re now ready to attend your very first Green Day show! Appropriate concert etiquette is pretty straightforward. Ideally, you’ll have your phone out and recording as much as possible. Share status updates on your Facebook and Twitter. Post poorly-shot, shaky videos to your Instagram and Snapchat. Stand up tall and let the entire world in on this terrible joke of a life you’re now living!

At the end of the day, life is what you make it. You’ve made your life worse - absolutely - and there’s certainly no going back now, but at least you can take comfort in knowing that, for the rest of your miserable years, you’ll never do anything quite as stupid or detrimental to your overall well-being as you have in the past few weeks. The Bible is dead now. Let it die, and let the lyrics of 21st Century Breakdown take its place. Jesus Christ is now Jesus Of Suburbia. “Uno!”, “Dos!”, and “Tre!” have now become your “Father!”, “Son!”, and “Holy Spirit!.” This guide may be finished, but you’ve still got a long journey ahead of you. This is who you are now. This is what you are now. You fucking asshole.

[johnseminario]

People freak out when somebody says they're going to blow up an airport, but nobody bats an eyelash when I say I'm going to blow up the world.

John Seminario

[johnseminario]

My “Friend” Troy Is Holding A Gun To Me And Forcing Me To Review The New Ant-Man Movie - PLEASE SEND HELP

Let’s just get this out of the way right now: I really wasn’t planning on reviewing the new Ant-Man film. I mean, sure, I watched it, and I actually really enjoyed it, but there just wasn’t really that much I felt I had to say about it - certainly not enough to warrant a full review. Now, though, my roommate Troy is sitting across from me in the shared living space of our three bedroom apartment, pointing a gun at me and demanding that I review it. If anybody sees this, please send help immediately.

Having said all of that, this was a great movie! How Marvel actually managed to make an interesting Ant-Man film is completely beyond me, especially when you take into account how many things initially went wrong for the film. They lost directors, they lost writers - hell, they even had to recast the main character. Despite all of that, though, we still received a movie that’s a whole lot of fun and only a little bit all over the place.

Speaking of recasts, Paul Rudd turned out to be a spectacular Scott Lang. Admittedly, I wasn’t so sure about how he’d stack up to the likes of Robert Downey Jr. and company, but if Marvel has shown us one thing over the years, it’s that they clearly know what they’re doing when it comes to choosing their actors. Rudd, like my roommate, definitely caught me off guard.

That they opted to skip the whole origin story also gives them a few extra points in my book, especially considering the fact that Ant-Man never really had a great origin story to begin with. Right from the get-go, we see that a younger Hank Pym had already fought baddies as Ant-Man for some time. The fact that Scott Lang just seems to be a better character than Pym also may have had something to do with all of that. Scott is a single ex-con father just trying to do right by his daughter. If that doesn’t scream superhero movie protagonist, I don’t know what does!

For how much fun this movie was, however, it isn’t without its flaws. They’re pretty few and far between, but they’re still worth mentioning. Without getting too heavy into spoilers, I found the villain’s motivation to be a little silly, even for a Marvel movie. They try to justify it by telling us that too much time in the shrinking suits can start to mess with your head, but it’s a little bit ridiculous nonetheless. Also, there was a point in the middle that seemed to drag on a bit longer than it should have. It makes up for it in the end with a crazy-long action scene, but it certainly seemed to hinder the pacing a bit. I guess everyone needs a bathroom break at some point, except Troy who’s barely moved since I started typing this up. One final nitpick is how anti-climactic the whole “subatomic scene” was. Again, I don’t want to spoil anything, but you’ll know it when you see it.

Despite these minor flaws, though, the movie really does soar. There’s a great scene featuring an Avenger from another film, most of the characters are both well fleshed out and believable, and there are two post-credits scenes that are definitely worth sticking around for! Minor spoiler: neither of them feature Howard The Duck.

Is Ant-Man going to blow you away? Probably not. Is it going to get you thinking critically about decisions you’ve made in your personal life? I seriously doubt it. Like I said myself, I wouldn’t even be reviewing it right now were I not being held at gunpoint. Ask me if it’s an entertaining film, though, and I’ll say absolutely. If you’re a fan of Marvel movies and thought this film couldn’t live up to its predecessors, definitely reconsider skipping over it. I give this film two thumbs way up!

[johnseminario]

I aspire to someday find the one thing I'm most 'good enough' at.

John Seminario

[johnseminario]

Dave Grohl Accidentally Writes New Foo Fighters Album

Dave Grohl - former Nirvana drummer and current Foo Fighters front man - has long been referred to as the busiest man in rock and roll. The nickname isn’t exactly unwarranted either. In the past, Grohl has collaborated with Queens Of The Stone Age, John Paul Jones, Zac Brown Band, Paul McCartney, John Fogerty, and many others.

He’s also multi-talented. Not only does he sing and play guitar in his own band, but he’s also taught himself how to play the piano, and we obviously can’t forget about his drumming. Dave beats those drums like his life depends on it, all while somehow managing to make it look next to effortless.

The musician’s latest studio work, however, may have literally been effortless. He told me today that he may have written a brand new Foo Fighters record without even meaning to. Come again?!

“Honestly, I don’t know how it possibly could have happened,” the singer explains. “I remember lying in my bed thinking about how our next record should sound when I must have dozed off. When I woke back up, I had a sheet of lyrics in one hand and a master tape [obviously recorded to an 8” reel] in the other. I listened to the tape and, sure enough, it was me. It’s pretty fucking spooky, man!”

Spooky indeed, Dave! Is it truly possible that Grohl could have written a brand new album in his sleep? The singer offers his own opinion on what may have happened.

“I like to think - and this is going to sound crazy - that in some way, somehow, this may have been Kurt’s doing. Kurt and I, along with Krist, always had this crazy unspoken energy going on when we’d jam together, so maybe - just maybe - this was him.”

The Foo Fighter went on to talk about his days in Nirvana for the next ninety-three minutes before wrapping up the interview.

“Whatever happened - whether this really was some act of God, or Kurt, or whatever - I think it’s safe to say that there will definitely be a new Foo Fighters record coming out real soon.”

[johnseminario]

Follow me on Facebook or Twitter to see me talk about how much I hate self-promotion!

@John_Seminario_

[johnseminario]

Brad Whitford Saves The World

“Music’s biggest night... to be disrespected. A heartfelt FUCK YOU guys” - @trent_reznor

What an absolutely perfect day! The breeze is blowing, the birds are chirping, and the alcoholics are drinking. The sun shines brightly through a blue, cloudless sky over one of California’s most buzzed about events - The Coachella Music Festival - as bands play all throughout the day. Later in the evening, though, is when one of the festival’s most anticipated acts - the incredible Aerosmith - will take the stage. Backstage, however, things aren’t quite as perfect…

“WHERE THE HELL IS BRAD?” asks an absolutely livid Joe Perry. The guitarist is furious, but he’s also afraid. He knows deep down that no matter how loud he turns up his amp, how many flashy moves he pulls off with his guitar, or how many beginner-level blues scales he incorporates into his playing, the band simply can’t impress without Brad Whitford as their backbone.

“We’ve looked everywhere for him,” responds a nearby stagehand. “If he’s actually here, nobody’s seen him.”

Perry is not satisfied. “If he doesn’t show, we don’t play. End of story!”

Tom Hamilton, the band’s bassist, quietly sobs in the corner as he whispers to himself, “Where are you, Brad…?”

Fifty-seven miles off the coast of California, Agent Brad Whitford heads west towards, what should be, an abandoned offshore oil rig. For the past several months, Agent Whitford had been tracking a notorious black market arms dealer. The trail went cold, however, until he received an anonymous tip that his target was conducting business from the rig. He checks his watch as his speedboat ramps over the crashing waves of the Pacific Ocean.

“Three hours…” he murmurs to himself. “Three hours to check out this lead and make it back in time to play Coachella.”

As he approaches the oil rig, he readies his pistol. There are no guards in sight. He docks his boat, pulls out a grappling hook, and stealthily ascends to the second level of the rig. Still no one. He quietly opens the door to a nearby room and steps inside. The room is pitch black. The agent quickly pulls out his iPhone 6+ and activates the $0.99 trial version of the flashlight app. Quickly scanning the room, he can’t make out very much. He starts to question the legitimacy of the tip he received when the lights suddenly flash on. It’s an ambush!

“GET HIM, BOYS!” shouts a menacing voice.

Agent Whitford frantically dives for cover, but he’s not quick enough. He’s shot in both the shoulder and the leg, and is subsequently knocked out. When he comes to, he finally comes face to face with the man he’s been tracking.

“Trent Reznor?!” exclaims Brad. “I don’t understand… What are you doing here?”

“Don’t you get it, Brad?” replies Reznor. “I thought I made it all so obvious. I simply posed as a black market arms dealer to lure you out here.”

Agent Whitford is visibly shocked.

“That’s right, Brad, I’m the man you’ve been tracking!”

“But why, Trent?” questions Brad. “Why are you doing this? Why did you even want me here in the first place?”

Trent looks as though he’s about to explode, but then stops himself.

“The Grammys…” Reznor begins to explain. There are tears in his eyes.

“What about The Grammys?” replies Brad.

“THOSE FUCKERS CUT US SHORT! They didn’t have to do it. They could have waited, but they didn’t, and for what? A goddamned Delta Airlines advertisement? FUCK THEM! That’s when I realized the truth. That’s when I realized that rock was truly dead. And now I want the whole world to realize it!”

Agent Whitford doesn’t quite understand. “But how does capturing me - going through all of this effort - have to do with any of that?”

“Don’t play dumb with me, Whitford,” retorts Trent. “I know your band is supposed to play at Coachella tonight and I know they’re nothing without you. I know it; you know it; the whole goddamned world knows it! When Aerosmith refuse to perform, the entire festival will riot. They’ll burn it to the ground! And then everyone will finally see the truth. I’m sorry, Brad, but it’s the only way…”

Then, in the most stereotypical way possible, Trent Reznor exits the room as Agent Brad Whitford is slowly lowered towards a vat of toxic acid.

“DAMMIT, TRENT, DON’T DO THIS!” exclaims the agent. “IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE THIS WAY! YOU’LL NEVER GET AWAY WITH THIS!”

Somewhere far enough away from Agent Whitford for him to probably be escaping right now, one of the hired mercenaries approaches Reznor.

“The bombs have all been placed, sir,” reports the hired gun.

“Excellent work,” responds the dastardly Trent Reznor. “And what about Whitford? Has he been dealt with?”

“Nobody could’ve gotten out of -“

BOOOOOOOOOOM!

Agent Whitford bursts through the door and takes out the goon without a moment's hesitation.

“It’s over, Trent! You’re coming with me!”

“I don’t think so, Brad!”

Trent Reznor charges towards our hero and disarms him, but not before the agent sinks a shot into Reznor’s thigh. An explosive battle ensues as the two exchange blows. Their fists are bloody and battered  by the time they make their way to a catwalk overlooking the entire oil rig. Panting heavily, wiping the blood and sweat from his forehead, the rhythm guitarist tries once more to reason with the Nine Inch Nail.

“Trent, you can still stop this,” Brad says to him. “We don’t have to fight. Rock isn’t dead, it’s far from it. Didn’t you hear Aerosmith’s latest album? It was pretty good. I mean, it didn’t exactly top the charts, but it still made an impact on a lot of people. Please, we can still keep rock alive - together.”

“Is that what we’re going for now, Brad? Is ‘pretty good’ the new standard for, what was once, a true musical force to be reckoned with? Rock deserves more than that! NOBODY CARES, BRAD! Everyone is too far gone to see what incredible music - what REAL music - really sounds like anymore! I’m sorry, friend, but it’s too late…”

Trent then charges towards Brad like a man with nothing to lose; a lost soul waiting to be put to rest. Whitford counters the attack, however, and flips his adversary over the railing. Against his better judgement, the agent grabs Reznor’s hand.

“You’ll realize it sooner or later!” Trent screams. “They always do! I realized it, Gene Simmons realized it - even that dumb idiot from Skid Row realized it! Rock is finished, Brad!”

The rhythm guitarist stands there for a moment as he grips the hand of his old friend. Could rock really be finished? Could this really be the answer? He stops the toxic thoughts and, instead, delivers the most eye-rollingest, stomach-churningest, stereotypical line of his career.

“Hey, Trent… Dream on…”

With that said, Agent Whitford releases his grip and lets the troubled Trent Reznor fall to his death. He fights his way back through the rig with little effort. Somewhere in the back of his mind, though, he can’t quite shake the thought. Rock couldn’t really be finished, could it? His thoughts are interrupted by a shocking revelation: his speedboat has been destroyed! He’d never make it back in time.

“I’ll never make it back in time,” the agent laments. “He did it… He won… How am I ever going to make it back to Coachella now?”

“Need a lift, buddy?”

Brad whirls around. A great light flashes before his eyes. The light begins to fade to reveal a winged, shirtless man. It’s his spirit animal, Jim Morrison! Our relieved agent climbs aboard and the two of them fly off to Coachella.

A few minutes later, they can already spot the festival in the distance. Suddenly, however, Brad’s iPhone 6+ goes off. It’s Trent! The nefarious Nine Inch Nail had left an encrypted message on the device!

“Siri, decode and read message!”

“Okay, Brad. From Trent Reznor at 7:04 PM: You fool! Did you not think that I would have a backup plan? I’ve planted bombs under the main stage of the festival. Coachella will go up in flames, along with rock itself. Farewell, Whitford.”

“That goddamned motherfucking stupid son of a cock-ass bitch!” exclaims the not-so-family-friendly agent. “We go on any minute now. I can’t do this alone…”

“Maybe you’re not alone, Brad,” says Jim Morrison.

“What are you talking about?“

“Turn around…”

Agent Whitford turns around to see Dave Grohl, the nicest man in rock and roll, sitting behind him!

“Hey, Brad!” exclaims Grohl excitedly. “I can help you defuse those bombs!”

Whitford and Grohl are flown in by the legendary frontman for The Doors, and the two of them - with a little help from Jim Morrison - make quick work of the bombs. Just before Grohl defuses the last one, though, the agent stops him.

“Hold on a second, Dave. I think I’d like to keep one of those…”

Brad hurriedly makes his way backstage and is reunited with his other bandmates.

“Brad, you’re here! We were starting to get worried,” greets Joe Perry happily. “You look like a wreck. Where were you anyway?”

“Don’t worry about it, Joe! I just had some… pre-show jitters is all!”

Agent Brad Whitford then winks to the non-existent camera as the five rockers make their way onto the stage. They proceed to play a totally bitchin’ show with two encores. At the end of the last song, the bomb that Brad secretly reconfigured explodes into fireworks while Dave Grohl and Jim Morrison look down from the clouds with smiles and nods of approval. Most importantly, rock lives to fight another day!

Epilogue:

Later that night, police arrive at the oil rig to evaluate the crime scene. They find many dead and wounded henchmen. Trent Reznor, however, is nowhere to be found…

[johnseminario]

There's a mysterious black van parked outside of my house and I'm going to be live-tweeting about it for the next two hours!

@John_Seminario_

[johnseminario]

Somebody Please Help: I Played A Guitar Solo For My Friend And Literally Melted His Face Off, And Now His Family Is Taking Legal Action

When my friend Joseph stopped by the other day to see if I wanted to grab lunch with him, I thought it would be a pretty normal day. We carpooled to the restaurant, ordered our meals, and talked about whatever it is we normally talk about. Leaving the restaurant, however, Joseph noticed we were next door to a Guitar Center and suggested going in to try out some new gear.

We walked around the store and found a quiet spot next to some amps to plug in. Before too long, he asked me if I had been working on anything new. I told him I had been piecing together a new solo. He asked to hear it, I told him the progression to play, and I started the solo. That’s when disaster struck.

I was halfway through the solo when I heard him stop playing. I looked back up and noticed that, to my shock, Joseph’s face had literally melted off. He fell out of his stool as I screamed for help. I rode with him to the hospital and called his parents on the way. After a little while, the doctors came out. They told us he would be okay, but that he required skin replacement surgery.

A few days later, his parents called me and told me they expected me to front the money for his operation. Joseph is one of my closest friends, and I want to help in any way possible, but I’m simply not financially secure enough to afford something like that. They told me that if I didn’t, they would be forced to take legal action.

What should I do? Should I take them to court? I mean, Joseph was the one that suggested going into Guitar Center in the first place. He’s the one that asked to hear the solo. I didn’t know that was going to happen, and I’m sure the store has cameras with footage I could use as proof. I just don’t want this to ruin our friendship, and until he at least receives a mouth from a donor, I won’t even know if it will. Anyway, please feel free to offer any type of help. A good lawyer, an effective fundraiser, a quick way to make money - any advice would be greatly appreciated.