Out of the House

Blog for thoughts that usually stay indoors.

[jugglingwithbananas]

Opinions

If you don't listen to other people's opinions, you will be alright.

It's so difficult, though. You finally find a person you like, that you are genuinely attracted to, even their intellect seems of interest to you. But still, you have some questions, some doubts in your head... And then you overhear two people talking about them, saying that this person you like is full of shit.. And you loose it. You loose the interest you had. Just because of someone else's opinion. It's crazy, but yet it happens. 

Those words of the people feed the little spark of doubt you had and slowly the fire of your fears starts taking over all of your body and mind.

This happens over and over again. But there is something you should understand — no one will ever be perfect for everybody. There will always be people who won't like that special somebody you're dreaming of. Think about it — there are people you do not like and they date others, and guess what? Their partners don't care. And you shouldn't too.

Still, I'm frightened.

[jugglingwithbananas]

I am actually extremely afraid of the name Lilith.

For centuries darkness and negativity have been associated with this name. All these years it existed and absorbed all of that energy into itself. Lilith became the ultimate evil.

But Lilith is only a name.

[jugglingwithbananas]

I am OK with religious people. 

I am NOT OK with religious people, who are shoving their faith down everyone's throats.

I am EXTREMELY NOT OK with people who think they are religious, but in reality don't know a thing about the faith they support, who are shoving that faith with not-so-smart comments down everyone's throats.

[jugglingwithbananas]

That's like me in class. Well, almost.

Walking barefoot in Springtime. What could be better?

[jugglingwithbananas]

That strange feeling, when you can't remember a friend's name. And another friend's name. Or look at a guy and ask yourself — what's wrong with him? — and then realize you had a fight a few weeks ago. When someone says another guy's name and you have to go to facebook to remember who he is and how you had sex a month or two ago.

That strange feeling, when all you can do is come home, lie down and try to fall asleep, because it takes you at least an hour to go your dreams.

That strange feeling, when sometimes, your hands shake.

You are drained.

[jugglingwithbananas]

Growing Up Sign # 2

You know you've grown up, when...

... the kids in the class that you teach don't know who Hugh Jackman is.

[jugglingwithbananas]

Growing Up Sign # 1

You know you've grown up, when...

... your older relatives stop tickling you.

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Something that I'm really afraid of is that I will not be able to understand my kids in the future.

I've never really experienced this problem until this year, I think. I used to know the answers to every question people asked me. But now, for some reason, I get lost more and more often, trying to figure out a resolution for another friend. Maybe, when we grow up, the questions we ask don't have answers? Because all of them are so complex, and not even due to life problems, but due to problems in our brain. We make everything more complicated than it really is.

I used to not believe that drinking helps people talk to others, relax, do whatever they want. Now with every following day I believe more and more in this theory.

I am disappointed with myself.

I am growing up.

I am becoming blind.

[jugglingwithbananas]

I have so many older friends and so many things to do, I've been going to the city every day to perform on stage, I have an internship there that ends this Tuesday, I'm moving off-campus next year and going off the meal plan, I am already starting to look for jobs. 

It feels like I'm graduating and entering the real life this year, but I'm only at the end of my freshman year.  Older friends and a certain level of independence make you grow.

[jugglingwithbananas]

Today is just one of those days, where I want to escape this world to another reality, become a child, have a lot of free time to read, imagine, play and wonder. I want to crawl onto my bed, cuddle under a soft blanket with a toy, close my eyes and pretend that I am in a far-far away land.

Today my heart is in Narnia.

And my grownup self if doing homework for tomorrow.

[jugglingwithbananas]

I like being alone. 

I'd rather observe from afar interactions of others, than be part of them. 

If I am not best friends with a group of people, I'd rather sit out and look at them, than try and make jokes, and laugh, and chit chat, trying to pretend that I am someone they like.

But still, I like their presence. I feel nice, when I'm around them, just not necessarily in their group. 

I've been doing this for a while now. Since I got to college. I want to stop pretending that I am the most social person, because I'm not. And I'd rather have one friend, than a bunch of people I can't trust.

I like being alone not because I actually like sitting by myself, but because, when I'm alone, I'm not fake, I'm not pretending to be someone else. 

I want to find a person I can be alone with.

[jugglingwithbananas]

Self-Centered Americans

A couple of days ago I was talking to an American friend of mine about my Russian family, that still lives in its native country. And when I said that my grandma doesn't know English, this friend replied "Oh, that is so cute! Your grandma not knowing English!"

Excuse me, what?

How is that cute? Would it be cute, if I said that she doesn't speak Chinese or Egyptian? Why is she supposed to know English at all? She was born in USSR, she lived there and then in the Russian Federation all her life, so why on earth do people suppose that she is supposed to know English?

I despise the ways that Americans put themselves above everyone and everything in the world. If people all over the globe are studying English now, it doesn't mean that your nation is more important that everyone else. People chose English as an International language to communicate between countries just because it's one of the most primitive and simplest languages on Earth. And even if it was enriched with variants of conjugations, descriptive words, normal punctuation rules for crying out loud, we should remember that before English, the international language was French. And where are we now? Do all Americans parle français?

(And should I even mention that English wasn't created by Americans?)

Things come and things go, so you better hide that presumptuous, ignorant attitude you have going on there, America. People around Earth already have not the best relationship toward you, so calm down and stop confirming world-known stereotypes.

[jugglingwithbananas]

Sexual Identity Problems

I look at a male body and I don't feel anything. My mind doesn't go "Holy shit, I need a piece of that!". 

I look at a female body and I admire its beauty. I look at a female body and I feel that I want to be part of it. 

Does this even make sense?

[jugglingwithbananas]

I don't like when girls are called "easy". That is what people call females that can have sex on a first date or, for example, instead of a first date. When you call a woman "easy", you are biased by the stereotype, that all women are not interested in sex and, thus, they surely do not want to get laid before knowing their partner. 

But are you sure that is true?

I am a healthy 18-year-old woman/girl/lady/female and I tell you that sex isn't something special for me at all. And that does not mean I am easy. It means that I am interested in certain aspects of sex and I do not think it is necessary to have feelings for the ones you screw, if you are looking for experience.

Why are girls called easy? Why do we make that word equal to slut, whore and others? Why is a female not allowed to want the same things as a male? Why does society still not accept a woman's longing for sex?

Why don't we consider all men easy? Or, why is easy not considered offensive, when applied to a man? Why is it ok for a man to sleep with a lot of people, but for a woman — it isn't? ---  And don't even mention the stupid lock-key example that everyone uses.

If it were up to me, I would ban this word usage in description of any human being. 

People are not easy. You don't know their story. You don't know them. So if you have nothing to say, turn around and don't touch them.

People are not easy.

I am not easy.

[jugglingwithbananas]

Should I add anything else?

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The scariest thing.

You're sick and tired and the closest people you have live on the other side of the ocean.

I don't know how everyone survives in this world. 

I should understand that being independent and being alone are not the same thing.

[jugglingwithbananas]

Note to Future Self #1

When casting actors that are to play a couple, do not chose people with the same hair color. Looks like incest all the way through the play.