what are you? a wizard? @jugheadesque - Tumblr Blog

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getting into riverdale under the impression that jarchie, while DEEPLY, insanity-inducingly romantic, was a) unintentional and b) never going to get past the queerbait stage only to be confronted with the existence of archie’s weird fantasy is like walking on an abandoned train track and getting hit by a fucking plane

#found in my drafts i have no recollection of writing this? anyway so true <3 #it’s like if we found out that ben edlund IS actually seperis of down to agincourt fame except even more monumentally insane #i thought jarchie longcon was an exaggeration i wasn’t READY for this #.txt #jarchie #rvd

moistvonlipwig

they should've done a riverdale episode where cheryl hosts a party to show off her outfit and then veronica walks in with even fancier clothes + jewelry that she got from her friend katy keene and upstages cheryl making cheryl hopping mad and then cheryl gets a delivery from christine bior labeled 'almglocken' and she's like How delightsome! My very own almglocken! and starts wearing it around and everyone is like Cheryl that's a cowbell and she's like No you heathens this is an authentic christine bior almglocken. and everyone's like okay i guess but betty confronts her and says Cheryl that is a cowbell and you look stupid please take it off and cheryl says Well cousin since we're on the subject i've always thought your ponytail makes you look like a repressed serial killer. which is the thing betty is insecure about so she goes off to brood. meanwhile cheryl is starting to make cow puns every time she speaks she's like Hello veronica you're auditioning for the lead in moo-lin rouge i see and veronica is like Cheryl are you making cow puns because you're wearing a cowbell and cheryl is like How udderly ridiculous how many times do i have to tell you people it's not a cowbell it's an almglocken. then cheryl has a dream where she gets locked in the barn and taken to the market by her mother and slaughtered and turned into steak and served up to jason while we intercut with veronica singing dona dona at some sort of entertainment venue for reasons known only to veronica. then later that night jughead and tabitha hear a mysterious noise outside pop's and find cheryl eating grass and jughead is like Uhh cheryl why are you eating grass and she's like Jughead you are so STUPID i am returning to the ancestral blossom ways. Now mooo-ve out of my way. and then she turns into a cow.

and the next day tabitha is like Did cheryl actually turn into a cow last night or did i dream that and jughead is like Yeah or is that a movie we watched and then they get a call from betty who's like Guys i think cheryl is a cow now and she's on a rampage. and they rush to find cheryl who is eating all the grass in town and they're like We have to stop her or riverdale will lose its precious rivergrass. so they call archie and jughead makes him dress up as a toreador and wave a red cape at her which enrages cow!cheryl because she owns the color red and she merely loans it to archie's hair out of the goodness of her heart but now he is flaunting it so she charges at him and he uses a pitchfork to knock the cowbell off of her and she turns back into a human. and she tearfully awakens and hugs archie and says Thank you archiekins you saved me from my bovine fate just like my jj would have done. and veronica says I don't understand why did christine bior send you a cowbell that makes you turn into a cow. and betty says Actually it turns out the package wasn't from christine bior it was from cowstine bior. and everyone's like Cowstine bior?! and just then nana rose enters the room and says Oh is that the cowstine bior cowbell i ordered? I was wondering where that got to and cheryl says Nana rose you ordered this? For why? and nana rose says For the maple syrup cow of course and archie says The maple syrup cow? and nana rose says Yes child did you really think our special blossom maple syrup came just from trees? We infuse the sap with the maple milk from the maple syrup cow. I ordered that cowbell just for her and cheryl says But the package said it was for cheryl blossom and nana rose says That's because the maple syrup cow's name is cheryl blossom. and toni says Why is the cow named cheryl blossom and cheryl says Dearest tt don't ask silly questions.....for what other name could the cow that enhances our maple syrup so be blessed with? and everyone is like True enough. and then there's a knock at the door and it's the mailman and the mailman says Delivery for cheryl blossom and it's the same packaging as before and cheryl looks inside and says How delightsome! My very own christine bior nose ring! and everyone says Cheryl NO and lunges to stop her from putting it on.

and then jughead steps out of the narrative and turns to the camera and says Well i think we all learned a valuable lesson today didn't we? Be careful what you put around your neck...you never know what you'll become. I'll see you next week, but for now, good night. and then he drinks from a glass of milk and it gives him a milk mustache and he winks at the camera. end of episode

#fav

hopeless-eccentric

if i met a genie and fixed the world and all its ills with my first two wishes, my third wish would be that sabrina carpenter would get gradually taller. she'd be in on it and think it was hilarious. we'd have a strong cap at 7 feet here, maybe an inch a week so people have time to theorize--let's not be ridiculous. but she'd still keep up the "ooh! im so little and small!" schtick. but shed be gradually getting taller. she'd be like 6'1" and still jumping for the microphone. and she'd never say anything about it. and if anyone asked shed act like she had no idea what they were talking about. and shed cheekily play into it a little bit but mostly still keep up the "ooh im so little and small" schtick. do you see my vision. do you get it

hopeless-eccentric

ok and so if i met a genie and fixed the world and all its ills in one wish i would do the sabrina carpenter thing second and third i would wish for all evidence of one random taylor swift song to disappear from the world once every month or so. taylor would have no memory of it. her fans would remember it and there would be an outcry over where it went (it's not even in concert videos anymore!) but taylor would have no memory of it

instead, all her brainspace spent on that song would be replaced with the vivid memories of roman gladiator, taylaurius velox. she's able to hide this at first, but her music begins to take on a gradually romaner and romaner tint. at first, people are like "damn, she's getting REALLY conservative, huh" and other people are like "wow, she's so deep, she knows what a rubicon is" but eventually travis kelce leaves her out of nowhere (he wasn't sure if dating someone possessed by a roman gladiator made him gay or not and anyway he was getting sick of being like "we're going to play the lions" and taylor being like "LIONS? WHERE?") and taylor publishes an entire brutus themed album about this betrayal and it's beginning to weird people out

and so eventually travis kelce is getting like, bomb threats sent to his family for leaving taylor and eventually he's like "okay, okay, i left her because she kept having all these vivid nightmares of gladatorial combat and she kept saying that football was giving her the ick because we never actually killed anybody for the glory of rome" and then he just gets more bomb threats because he left a struggling woman during a mental health crisis

and eventually taylor is writing music about her forbidden roman senator lover and her fanbase is either whittled WAY down or WAY up because people want to watch this trainwreck happen (or maybe she influences culture so hard that we're just all really into rome now) but she's being super cagey about the name of this roman senator. until. and now here's the twist:

weird al has been getting all of the same vivid memories of taylaurius velox. and he still has all his memories of her old songs. so he's writing all these detailed song parodies of taylor swift songs that don't exist anymore including specific details about their shared gladiatorial reality that taylor has never shared with anybody else. including that her lover's name was publius, and she's been calling him Poob for short

at this point a lot of original swifties are leaving. they could do the brutus stuff, but they really can't survive poob. taylor makes a clapping back at the haters song including the lyric "these bitches don't know publius" and it ends up all over all sorts of merch. there's a renewed archaeological interest in roman gladatorial combat

most importantly, the internet discourse is the best it's ever been. does this make taylor swift transmasc? is travis kelce problematic for leaving his fiancee while she gradually morphs into a roman gladiator? is this good queer representation? if taylaurius velox was a gay man, does that mean the gaylors were technically correct? is weird al morally wrong for capitalizing off of her music if she cant remember it anymore? was weird al sent by god to torment taylor swift?

anyway thats what id do if i met a genie

throwupgirl

crime is so bad in rivervale they got milk carton adults 😭

#FAV

pzyii

Wing AU spawned from art block

#LOVE this #art

femmepathy

obsessed with the guy sitting next to me on the bus who i caught googling "what is commie dyke" after seeing my buttons

#jarchie

treecitysessions

They were on straight up positivity and good vibes next question

sumeria

Feminist Women Love Jughead Jones!

#GO WHITE BOY GO #vid tag

philcollinsenjoyer

there are only 3 character types you can be on riverdale : an archie a betty or a veronica. and jughead is a veronica

#foundational post.

justsomeguycore

why didn’t they do this on riverdale

komsomolka

(menacingly) we're meant to be together forever! it's our fate.

#riverdale forever <3

pzyii

my little werewolf!ronnie doodles as promised . Her shifted form is mostly close to like a big ass wolf. These at least have her getting turned in s3 while she’s living alone at la bonne nuit. (Possibly a hit put out by her father as punishment and for control)

#obsessed...

kendallroyjenner

the fifi origin story does really touch my heart especially because one might think that dressing your little brother up in drag is a special kind of torture but ours used to cry and beg for it. her name was ashley. they just wanted to be one of the girls.

kendallroyjenner