Just Another Bipolar Mum #cyclothymia #mooddiary

The diary no one will read #cyclothymia

[justanotherbipolarmum]

I DON'T THINK I WANT TO DRINK ALCOHOL ANYMORE.

Drinking while depressed I'm one person.

Drinking while manic I'm another person.

Drinking when I'm 'stable' I'm someone else.

[justanotherbipolarmum]

Dear Ankylosing Spondylitis

If I understood you more, I could deal with you better. Tonight I feel like you've taken my body away from me and filled it with pain that I can't describe. I just want to do a simple stretch to help me feel better but instead I feel fused together like my joints are super glued together 😖

My brain doesn't even have the brain power to even think so thanks and good night.

[justanotherbipolarmum]

I FEEL LIKE A DIFFERENT PERSON WHEN DRINKING ALCOHOL DURING A HYPO/MANIC EPISODE.

IVE HAD NO ALCOHOL TONIGHT BUT WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES ITS LIKE IM TRAVELLING ON A NIGHT TRAIN THATS EMPTY. ALL I CAN HEAR IS THE SOUND OF THE TRAIN AND IT SOUNDS LOUD.

I HAD AN ALCOHOLIC DRINK THIS WEEK WHEN I WASNT MANIC AND I WAS ABSOLUTELY FINE!!

ITS LIKE I BECOME DIFFERENT PEOPLE DURING AN EPISODE. MAYBE I SHOULD NAME THEM?....SOMETIMES IM DESTRUCTIVE AND FEARLESS, OTHER TIMES IM VULNERABLE AND JUST WANT CONVERSATION. OTHER TIMES YOU SEE ME BUT IM EMPTY. I CAN GO THROUGH THEM ALL IN ONE EPISODE THEN WHEN IM BACK DOWN 'TO EARTH' IM LOST, EMPTY. GUILT RIDDEN AND ABSOLUTELY FUCKING SHATTERED.

[justanotherbipolarmum]

THE SHIT CYCLE

Weight loss is so hard. Eat less move more I get it. But sometimes this fat shite (me) goes against it then feels like shit after.

[justanotherbipolarmum]

Tonight, I am that toilet wanker who sits on the toilet on their phone (writing this pointless post) and for a change my children are not watching me.

[justanotherbipolarmum]

The sun was out and so were these Ladybirds casually mating on my Rosemary.

[justanotherbipolarmum]

Some days I think I'm bloody amazing. Other days I wish I could be more interesting.

[justanotherbipolarmum]

Washing once every 7-10 days because it feels like a physically and mentally draining chore (think it's actually been 2 weeks this time) my face doesn't touch water until it's wash day, baby wipes or toner will do. I must add since having a Japanese toilet fitted I regularly wash the bottom using the bidet wash setting.

Hair only gets brushed before it gets washed, that's just to get the knots out so it can be washed. During brushing il collect all the hair that's fallen out into the sink and on the floor

Going to bed in the days clothes because the last thing I wanna do is get changed so il do it in the morning.

Treated myself to a new electric toothbrush recently but I've hardly used it. I must say it's quite good when I do use it.

I could go on but I think you get the idea. I'm just another bipolar mum that's lost all motivation to do anything for herself, yet still does everything for everyone else.

[justanotherbipolarmum]

2 days of pure irritability. I don't understand why my face gets so itchy when I feel irritable. Sometimes the itchyness is my first warning that irritability is near.

[justanotherbipolarmum]

Do we ever deal with past experience and trauma or do we learn to lock it away in a box and never open that box again? Maybe that's my way of dealing with things.

[justanotherbipolarmum]

I love a hypo when I'm not causing trouble, I'm so productive.

[justanotherbipolarmum]

Why do the hypo and manic days/episodes seem so fun but so exhausting when it suddenly crashes down and ends?

One moment everything is running so fast and wild. You can't keep up with your brain, the words can't come out of your mouth any faster than they already are, your body physically cannot keep up with your actions. Then when it's over you struggle to process whatever happened and can't even put a sentence together.

You feel exhausted and shit like you've ran a marathon. You know you've upset at least 1 person because of whatever happened during that episode but you don't want to admit you was on a high and can't remember so you just feel even more shit, embarrassed and question why you are even still around.

[justanotherbipolarmum]

He has no resting place, just a certificate and scan photos.

When I see these holiday photos I tell myself he got to hear the waves of the sea, the aeroplane taking off and his big sister laughing & dancing to the hotels cheesy holiday party music.

I wish I could of put your heartbeat in a bear so you could be with me forever. My boy I'm sorry my body failed you. I failed you.

When I was here on this beach I had no idea how poorly you were while growing inside of me.

I'm sorry I couldn't do more.

[justanotherbipolarmum]

Why do us Bipolar folk turn to alcohol during a high or low??We know it's no good for us but that doesn't even come into thought until days later and the shame kicks in because we feel like we failed ourselves...again.

[justanotherbipolarmum]

Ever see a photo of yourself taken by someone else and think 'fuckin hell I'm so ugly. Is that what I look like?' I give myself the ick and can't bare to look at myself.

[justanotherbipolarmum]

Help me understand this emotion/feeling that fucked up, cross wired emotion that melts your heart then suddenly changes into an overwhelming negative thought. For example I saw a boy around 8 years old who was exited to go on a ride. The joy in his face made me overwhelmed with happiness, he expressed his excitement to the boy queuing in front of him but rather than the boy acknowledging him he just looked at him and said nothing.

This was the part where the messed up thoughts and emotions came flooding in to the point where it was so overwhelming I cried inside.... Why did his kindness get ignored? Do others instantly not like kids like that? Is it wrong to be excited, kind of even friendly? If this kid is getting that blanked reaction from this one random boy in a queue does that mean everyone else like kids in his school feel the same? Will this kid later on be a different person as he felt people were different to him so he felt the need to change? I wanted to hug the boy and say to him Im listening to you, I hear you and I see how I excited you are.

What is this mixed feelings of emotions in the space of a few seconds? I don't know how to deal with them.

[justanotherbipolarmum]

Today I met my half sister... When she made first contact on Ancestry a few months ago I thought it was a prank. My dad had a child before me with someone who's not my mum? Nah! Or did he? So I asked him and he said no it can't be true as surely he would of found out before all those years ago. 40+ years ago DNA testing may have not been easily/readily available as it is now which is why it wasn't proven until now.

So how do I approach this? It's been non stop in my head since I got home at 10.40pm Have I already gone too far by meeting this half sibling? If this came out it could ruin relationships, trust, the family unit that once was. Did this happen when my dad was in contact with my mum?! Timeline please!!!!

The sibling didn't have both parents with a pleasant upbringing like me. They had stability with grandparents which they said was good, but I know it wasn't like mine.

The sibling knows the family name and family members are on social media. They could meet their family in photos online without even meeting them😮 Now I don't know what to say or think anymore as I feel like I have betrayed everyone apart from one person, the sibling.