One of the best lessons Iâve learned in my four months at my new job is to assume positive intent. A colleague of mine always reminds me of that when I react quickly to something (instead of responding), and itâs been very powerful for me. Itâs something that transcends work and has really shifted how I think, and shed light on how frequently I go to the worst case scenario/negative town so quickly. When I put myself in other peopleâs shoes or perspectives, I realize that maybe their intention was good - itâs just not always what I wanted to receive or hear or according to my plan. I apply this to people who trigger me, to work scenarios, to driving/traffic, and itâs really been incredible, but also takes constant practice. I can probably also apply it to my labor. The baby doesnât know exactly what to do and things may not go well, but the baby only will have good intentions (of getting out of my belly and into the world).Â
Iâm tired and cranky and actually had an easy day. I just hate doing things on Sunday and went to the hair salon (which meant showering, putting on makeup and doing my hair - all to go get my hair done) and a Christmas party on top of what Iâm willing to do on a Sunday (yoga and the grocery store, which is about my typical limit).Â
How am I going to do this as a mom? Babies, toddlers and kids donât respect the sacred ground that is a Sunday.Â
I was keeping it together, but Farzad warned me before the Christmas party, âjust watch, someone is going to put their hand on your tummy.â
Surprisingly, the person that did is a woman who just gave birth four months ago. Four months ago!! Youâd think sheâd know! She also breathed heavily on me, which was gross - so between those two things, I was done.
But it didnât stop there. I heard basically all my worst fears from her - an emergency c-section because her baby was sunny side up and she had arrested labor. Her baby latched, and she thought he was feeding well, but when he dropped to the 10th percentile for weight, they realized something was up with his tongue and he wasnât latching well. Each feeding took an hour and a half, which was a sign something was wrong. She talked about not sleeping for the first 3-4 days and just running on adrenaline. Her baby also has a dairy allergy so she canât eat cheese, ice cream or drink milk while still breast feeding. Of all these things, thatâs like my worst nightmare. Iâll take a c-section, but donât take away my cheese.Â
Then, she wanted to introduce me to her son, and asked if I wanted to hold him. In my head I said no, but of course I said yes. What pregnant lady doesnât want to hold a baby? Me.Â
It did not make me excited at all. Itâs not my baby. Itâs not yet my life. I havenât gone through the final 8 weeks of pregnancy, labor and delivery, plus another four months to be excited to hold a four month old that looks nothing like what my baby will look like.Â
Holding that baby and not being excited about it made me understand for a moment what post-partum must feel like. Iâm chalking it up to me having zero personal connection to this woman (sheâs my husbandâs work colleague) and this baby, being hungry but not able to eat or drink at this party, tired, and not wanting to be anywhere but in my comfy clothes on my couch on a Sunday evening. And I was anywhere but in my comfy clothes on my couch.Â
I like to think I have a sense of all thatâs about to change given I got what felt like a sucker punch in the stomach in the middle of the night last night (contraction or just a serious kick, I dunno), but unsure if my husband has that same sense of reality. Little comments here and there clue me into the fact that heâs got a ways to go. Tonightâs experience though made me realize I still have a ways to go, too.Â
I cannot wait for my four weeks off. Working every single day the last three weeks has been so exhausting. And it was so much at once, that I donât feel like I did anything well. Fortunately, all four events went off without a hitch and were well received, so it definitely couldâve gone worse. I just am not ready to go back and do it all over again this week. I really couldâve used a lazy Sunday.Â
This week I listened to an interview between Cheryl Strayed and Oprah on my drive to work. It was so good! There were so many good nuggets in there that I need to capture here, and will do when I have a moment, which I donât have many of those these days.Â
Until then, some of the biggest takeaways that Iâm thinking about is how she so beautifully captured the mourning process of losing a mom. Her words resonated with me so much when reading, when watching the movie WILD and even in this interview. But then more immediate things, like writing a letter to youâre younger self (that could be a good exercise for me) to help let things go, to be vulnerable (something that I need to be better about especially in this birth process), and just the concept of being on a journey and coming out the other side a different person.Â
I heard recently (I think in another podcast), âwhen a baby is born, a mother is born too.â This last stretch is giving me time to think about the kind of mother I want to be when I come out the other side. Iâm processing how I want to show up for my baby, my family and myself. Of course, it wonât go according to plan, but thatâs part of the plan.Â
Another one of my birth fears is not having the support I need. The story I grew up hearing was that no one was around for my birth. Everyone was watching this epic Brownâs game:Â https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red_Right_88. I also learned my mom had pneumonia when I was born and had to stay in the hospital for weeks after my birth. Iâm guessing I stayed too. A psychic told me once I was born into this world knowing my mom wouldnât be around given she was sick nearly my entire life - at the beginning and starting again when I was five.Â
I donât want the same experience for my baby. Itâs his birthday. I want it to be joyous and fast and easy and healthy. I want lots of love and support from Farzad and my doula. Sometimes I think of inviting friends over while I labor or to the hospital, but thatâs likely not a good idea, nor enjoyable for them. However, I am going to reach out and invite them to read my writing over the next ~10 weeks.Â
Just like my life is so different than my momâs - she had 5 kids at my age and had been pregnant for FOUR YEARS of her life (that doesnât account for breast feeding) - my labor can be so different. I just really hope the Patriotâs donât go to the Super Bowl and that I donât deliver early on February 4. If they do, it will make for a new chapter in family football delivery stories, but thereâs no way it will be a redo of the Brownâs. It will be itâs own story and own new beginning.Â
You can look at life like this, Katie: If you're not now surrounded by laughing friends, taking amazing journeys, and constantly choosing between lots of fun things to do, it's just because you haven't gotten to that part yet.
Probably one of my biggest fears around birth is triggered when I hear birth stories about tapping into your primal side.Â
âYou go to a place thatâs hard to explain,â is one of the many ways its been explained to me.Â
I nod and smile like I donât know what theyâre talking about since Iâve never given birth.
But underneath that smile is an idea of what that primal side is like.Â
When my mom died, I flew in from Maine where I had been shipped away for the summer while she was in the hospital, and she was already in a coma by the time I arrived. She couldnât talk or see anything. Her eyes would twitch and that was the only way I knew she could hear me. Supposedly hearing is the last to go.Â
I talked lots to mom, but then it got to a point where I just broke down into tears. I couldnât stand up. I fell to the ground and was crying so incredibly hard. My cousin Meggin described it to me as hearing an animal ripped away from its mother - that primal type of cry. I guess you could hear me all the way down the hospital hallway.Â
While this is a very different circumstance - the beginning of life, not the end - the thought of tapping into that primal side during labor is really scary for me. I donât want to go back there. I donât want other people to see me like that. Will my neighbors hear me while I labor at home?Â
This is something I have to think and meditate on and make peace with because it canât be avoided. Maybe I wonât go there - but if I do, I canât avoid it or resist it because my inner 12 year old is afraid of revisiting that side of me.Â
âThe only way out is through,â is one of my favorite mantras.Â
Adriana Lozada talks with Alexia Leachman about the most common birth fears, and how to deal with them so they don't affect your birth experience.
I went for a walk today, and discovered this podcast on Spotify. I have a lot of fears about labor, so started with this episode. So much amazing wisdom and insight here. I only want to dig in more! I had to stop and take notes (copied below).Â
Some thoughts are also swirling in my head as a result:
>>> continue to write regularly over the next 10 weeks (until my delivery, and maybe after), and invite my âtribeâ to read this blog so it helps me open up, face my fears with support, and invite my mommy community in. thatâs going to be a hard one for me to do. so vulnerable. ugh.Â
>>> ask my doula to do the partner yoga class with me about yoga & massage for labor since my husband doesnât want to and is working the night before
>>> take the full four weeks off before my delivery so I can mentally get in the game. yoga, pilates, massage, walks, meditation, visualization, sleep, cook, eat healthy, etc. the next two weeks are going to be insane. the last couple weeks have been overwhelming, and then family will be here again for two weeks. i havenât been exercising/walking nor eating as healthy as i would like, and my stress levels have been high. i donât want to continue like that up until my delivery.Â
+++
NOTES
âYou birth with your body, not with your mind. So let your mind goâ
âYouâre not in control. Itâs like the tide. You canât control the in and out, just ride the wave.â
âList your fears and work through them one by oneâ
âPregnancy is the beginning of birthâ
âMake peace with the worst possible scenarioâ
---
Check in with the baby leading up to the birth (on their feelings, fears):
* thereâs two of you in this
* do the same visualization sports athletes do
* you trust them, they know what to do, they know youâve got this
* imagine how it will feel, how it will go
* imagine you birthing your baby
* this is going to be smooth, safe, pleasurable, fast
* constant messaging to baby
* youâre confident, youâre supporting them, your protecting them
* we can do this, weâre a team
* babies need to feel safe, not stressed
---
Book: Babies remember birth
* people remember lack of confidence in the mother when their born via hypnosis
âGlass Houseâ Chronicles The Sharp Decline Of An All-American Factory Town
Lancaster, Ohio, the home of the Fortune 500 company Anchor Hocking, was once a bustling center of industry and employment. At its peak following World War II, Lancasterâs hometown company was the worldâs largest maker of glass tableware and employed more than 5,000 town residents.
Though Anchor Hocking remains in Lancaster today, it is a shell of its former self, and the once thriving town is beset by underemployment and drug abuse. Lancaster native Brian Alexander chronicles the rise and fall of his hometown in his new book, Glass House.
âPeople are genuinely struggling,â he tells Fresh Airâs Dave Davies. âThe economy of the town is struggling, not because thereâs high unemployment, [but] because the employment that there is all minimum wage, or even lower than minimum wage.â
Fairfield County, in which Lancaster is located, went 61 percent for Donald Trump in the presidential election â a fact that Alexander attributes to the candidateâs message of disaffection. Alexander says on Election Day one Lancaster woman told him she voted for Trump because she wanted âit to be like it was.â
* making it to the gym (aka not dying) through some of the worst wind and rain I have ever driven through. I almost turned around and went home it was so bad. I couldn't see in front of me with my windshield wipers at hyper speed. I was white knuckling the steering wheel, face as far forward as possible - full on old lady style. I may as well have had a rosary in my hand, I was so freaked out. * seeing pics of Obama on vacation. That's about the only good news in the current spin cycle. * a face mask. Self care ftw!
