oh so when wanda maximoff creates an alternate universe to deal with all of her trauma she's "super impressive" and "the most powerful person in the mcu" but when i do it i'm "using unhealthy coping mechanisms" and "should go to therapy" smh so tired of these double standards
I’m just out here watching the Cured (purely because it’s a zombie movie with Ellen Page) and random thing:
Everyone’s chucking a hissy fit about the cured being murderers and yeah yeah whatever whatever they were literally zombies what did you expect BUT
In an interview (arguement) with the news, this doctor says that the 25% who are resistant are being killed, and that they’d be condining killing 5000 people and I- 5000? Is 25% of all infected? Meaning everyone’s chucking a hissy fit over 15,000 people????
For perspective, Ireland has a population of over 6 MILLION people. That means that 1 in every FOUR HUNDRED people are one of the cured. Bitch, I don’t even KNOW 400 people.
Sorry, random rant, but like all things considered, the fact that they stopped the zombie apocalypse at 20,000 infected (ish - people might have died) is a pretty good effort considered Ireland’s currently at 69,000~ covid cases so like solid effort don’t know why everyone’s mad tho you’ll statically you’ll probably never see a cured so
Anywho I have an hour of the movie left hoping for more Ellen Page ✨
I don’t know if anyone saw my post on World War Z where I was like “does America just have random military bases in different countries??” Yes, yes they do.
We begin with our classic American (when I say American I’m referring to USA) zombie movie opening: news reports. These ones are pretty cool, we follow the descent from good news to climate change to things dying to oh now we’re having a zombie apocalypse. Honestly, with how 2020 is going I wouldn’t be surprised if that was our grand finale too.
Karin (which is sooo close to Karen almost predicted that too) is played by Mireille Enos, who is my favourite mum character, who was the mum in If I Stay. She’s a legend - she full on kicks a zombie until it gets out the car.
Watching the opening my one wish was for no one to die, because I like Gerry (Brad Pitt wait this is Brad Pitt??) and Karin and their kids and pretty much every character we meet, but this is a zombie movie so that’s an unrealistic expectation but... no spoilers but watch it and see for yourself.
Gerry (which is so close to Jerry which would’ve been funny. Don’t know why just think Jerry’s a funny name for the lead of a zombie movie, considering like Ben and Jerry’s the soft, sweet ice cream) is incredibly smart, and worked for the UN which is a new thing for a zombie movie. Not quite sure exactly what he did in the UN - I don’t think I was paying enough attention - something to do with science? But yeah dude is observant.
For example, the second I saw Subway Sam (a toy that makes noise) I thought that’s so stupidly dumb I hate this toy especially when it started making noise, but then Subway Sam came in handy. The counting to 12? Such a cool aspect. It gives us a time limit to know if you’re infected, which Gerry uses multiple times.
Things it kinda predicted?
- The wall. Need I say more. Given, it’s in another country, but it’s the thought that counts.
- World War 3. Remember when that was a worry? Yeah feels like years ago but that was just January this year.
- And a virus. Won’t say more on that
Random things kinda out of context
Okay so a big point of this movie is Gerry travelling around the world to different countries. First of all, how does he do it so quick? Secondly, they go to South Korea at one point and for some reason, there was not a single Korean person? In fact, the only Korean people we saw in South Korea was in a flashback when a guy bit a doctor. That’s it. And this is where I’m confused - why is there an American army base in Korea? Is that just a thing? Does America just have random army bases in every country even if there isn’t an active war there? Embassies I get, but military bases?
“He turned in ten minutes. That doesn’t sound viral to me at allll.” ... That’s sarcasm, right? Because as current experience has proven, incubation periods can be 2 weeks. Gentlefriends that 20,160 minutes. In comparison, 10 minutes is pretty bloody viral.
So the clause of these zombies is that there needs to be a bite, and no teeth = no infection (they said in North Korea they removed everyones teeth in 24 hours and the spread stopped. Real confused on the logistics of that but I digress). But... isn’t it just saliva getting into the bloodstream? So you could like... spit on an open wound and it’d do the trick? I’m just saying, this isn’t I Am Legend, the zombies aren’t vampires. The bite isn’t the transmission, the saliva is (saliva coats teeth ergo). All I’m saying is, I’m preettyy sure you could still infect someone. I mean, look at 2020, no one’s biting each other and infection’s still spreading.
“There’s only one way we’re getting you on that plane, and it’s quietly.” *aggressively squeaking bikes*
The “I got you captain” really hurt what the heck.
Also, they don’t know where it started. Like how? Because it spread fast? I’m pretty sure it would’ve made news headlines in a certain country first if people started eating each other.
The movie poster scene - yeah the one with the zombies climbing over the wall
We jump over to Israel, where the guy in charge says, “Every human being we save is one less zombie to fight.” This guy’s a thinker.
So you’ve built a wall. And now you celebrate. With loud music. And the zombies climb over the said wall attracted to the sound. I can tell this is an American movie because despite this scene being set in Israel this is some American level of bullshit.
ALSO, WHO BUILDS A WALL WITHOUT WATCH TOWERS?? HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DEFEND THE WALL IF YOU CAN’T SEE OVER ON THE OTHER SIDE??? I love how this helicopter randomly shows up as the zombies start climbing over because WHERE WERE YOU EARLIER AND WHY WEREN’T YOU PATROLLING THE OUTSIDE WALL YOU DUMBASS.
My proposal to disaster movies
After watching 2012, I would like to propose: storing extra fuel inside the plane and being able to refuel from inside. It just seems super convenient especially considering how intense those refuelling scenes get.
Re: the ending (spoilers? ahoy)
The first time I watched World War Z I knew they’d succeed so I literally skipped the whole tension bit leading up to him testing the “cure.” Watching it again I was very tempted to do that again but I forced myself to sit through it even though it kinda feels like it drags. For instance, no one besides like the scientist that was supposed to save us and that army guy died, therefore I’m not afraid of anyone dying therefore tension lost. Also, because no one died and there’s literally 20 minutes left, you can already tell it’s going to work, so this scene feels like it drags out for no reason. I dunno might just be a me thing.
And that’s that on that. Final zombie movie is Train to Busan, which is the best zombie movie I’ve ever watched. That should be up tomorrow for Halloween. I was going to do a couple more zombie movies, but I’ll save those for another time. In case you’re curious, I’ve watched American (USA), British, Australian and Korean zombie movies. If you have any recommendations, especially if there’s any South American, African, Middle Eastern or Central European zombie movies, I’m super interested in hearing them!
Zombie Movie: Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (2016)
Three words: that fight scene.
So upon recommendation from a friend, I have recently watched the BBC mini-series of Pride and Prejudice, as well as the Keira Knightley movie. Therefore, I have about 8 hours of Pride and Prejudice knowledge under my belt, so here we go into probably my favourite type of adaptation ever: simply adding zombies.
Uh, medium to light spoilers, but it’s nothing really Earth-shattering especially if you have the gist of how Pride and Prejudice goes.
Firstly, I love all the Bennet girls in this movie. The subversion of what makes a “lady” is great - instead of sitting around embroidering, they sit around cleaning guns (to then use them) which makes total sense for this period of war.
Unlike in actual war-time throughout history, where it happened in a “far-off” place wherein the war was seperate from home life, in PPZ (I’m sorry I have to abbreviate it the run on sentence of a title is too much) the war is literally on the home front - anyone can become a zombie, therefore everyone is part of the war, not just soldiers like in the original P&P (had to put the & because otherwise it’s PP which will make me laugh too much yes I’m a child).
We get this absolutely fabulous getting-ready-for-the-ball scene which literally made me scream in excitement - firstly, knives, secondly, FUNCTIONAL FASHION.
On the subject of fashion, the leather accents on everyone’s outfits in this movie is just *chef’s kiss*, and Mr Darcy is 100% emo. Like, he literally squeaks through every scene he’s wearing that much black leather.
I will also never not be over the opening scene where he’s like “this guy’s a zombie. Let me finish my drink first though.” That’s very Australian of him, I approve (yes, I know this is British.)
We get great fight scenes, although in terms of it being a Pride and Prejudice adaptation the plot is a little confusing - all of the plot-beats that make total sense in the BBC series are a bit lost in all the blood.
I just want the letter scene where Mr Darcy is the one who catches her crying and comforts her - is that too much to ask?
Other random notes:
Lady Catherine is awesome. I like Mr Collins. His actor, Matt Smith, played him brilliantly. On the subject of actors, Lily James as Elizabeth Bennet? Yes please and thank you.
Oh and Lydia doesn’t marry Mr Wickham!!! Thank God.
The zombies
Firstly, they’re called zombies. That’s a win. Secondly, they’re kinda freaky because they can still function as members of society. Which brings me to the first thing that surprised me about this movie: as much as I hate Mr Wickham, I kinda agreed with the dude. Like, he figured out how to win the war by essentially “befriending” the zombies and making a peace treaty. And then Mr Darcy went and ruined the whole thing which is just... ugh. When I pointed this out to my friend, she proposed that Wickham’s plan could’ve just all been a ploy to attack the humans and win, which I will gladly accept to redeem Darcy and condemn Wickham. Might’ve just been a lost-in-translation thing from the book (yes, I haven’t read either book).
That fight scene
Welcome to how I convince people who love Pride and Prejudice to watch PPZ. The fight scene. Take the iconic verbal argument, set it in a war-with-zombies period, give the Bennet girls fighting skills and you get this masterpiece, which is filled with so much (romantic? sexual?) tension. If you’ve seen it, you know what I mean when I say the buttons.
Also, this P&P adaption really amps up the romance between Elizabeth and Darcy (who, I only just found out in this film, has the first name Fitzwilliam. Excuse me what?). So if you’re in it for the romance, you’re in luck. Also, if you’re worried about the horror aspect, as long as you can handle SFX gore it’s not that scary. Just very dramatic. And emo. (Thanks to Darcy.)
I thiiink that covers pretty much everything I wanted to say. As you can see I’ve used GIFs instead of my own screen-grabs because I wanted to watch this for fun. I didn’t even take any notes or anything like I usually do because I really just wanted to watch the movie and when I saw it was on Netflix I wanted to quickly watch it in case they took it off.
Oh my gosh I finally realised why this movie is called Cargo and I finished it twenty minutes ago.
Before I begin, I would like to acknowledge that I’m posting this from the land of the Dharawal (Tharawal) people, and acknowledge Elders past, present and emerging. I would also like to note that this post may contain names and/or images of deceased Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples.
I’m still crying after watching this so the first thing I will say is: please watch it.
~~Rationing~~ (Picture: Andy’s wife Kay (Susie Porter) sitting in their house boat. Caption reads “So that means we’re down to quarter rations.”)
Cargo is a relatively chill zombie movie compared to movies like Train to Busan and I Am Legend, but because of this it’s able to take part so many other conversations - Aboriginal Land Rights and traditions, fracking, and for other zombie fans out there, new kinds of zombies!!
It is atmospheric, has tension in the right places, has an incredibly fresh plot, and is highly intelligent. Although, I do have to say, the lead of the Australian zombie movie is very British and that did make me laugh.
This is an Australian zombie movie, and as an Australian I’m very proud to say that. While most of the movie follows our lead, Andy (Martin Freeman), traversing rural Australia (this is set in South Australia btw, found a license plate), there is a huge focus on Aboriginal communities and traditions, and their connection with country and the land.
The sweetest frame in the whole film. (Picture: Andy holding his baby daughter Rosie, and gently brushing her hair aside while Thoomi (a young girl) applies a type of white paint to the baby’s face.)
So, this will be split into roughly three parts: zombies (because like I said, new zombies!! Very excited to talk about them!) before moving into the spoiler section with the plot and me roasting random things before ending up crying at the end, thinking I’d recovered from crying, then crying even more with the final shot. (I promise I’m okay this is a really good movie.)
Zombies!! Also small spoiler but the movie description kinda already spoils all of this so not really a spoiler??
Friends and enemies, want a fresh new take on zombies and the apocalypse? Cargo delivered.
Ahhh new zombies!!! (Picture: Kay zombie-fied. She has amber sap covering her eyes and her mouth. Her mouth looks a little like tree bark covered in sap. She’s in a car with her seatbelt on, and Andy has turned towards her. Andy has blood dripping down the side of his face and on his fingertips. In the background you can see the blue coat hanger of Rosie’s baby toy.)
We have a 48 hour incubation period for zombies, we have new symptoms for people before they become zombies, we have a new look including sap (I believe it’s sap) as well as burying your head in the sand - literally. Nothing’s explained, but I love speculating and trying to guess for myself. Oh, they also hibernate? But the rules surrounding that are a little hazy cause they’re still out and about during the day, and also Australia doesn’t really have mammals that hibernate mostly just insects so I’m not quite sure on the inspiration for that. But yeah, the sap and the head in the sand thing is like zombie video-game levels of creepy and cool.
Oh, also, unlike I Am Legend, we don’t have CGI zombies - we have special FX zombies!! Which is fantastic for anyone who wants to try and recreate the look and also makes it like 1000x more realistic.
I also love the implication that the Australian government will give us free kits to help when you get infected, cause like... they would. We have free Medicare and COVID testing - I could literally pop over to the local dental place and get a free COVID test. This is funny in comparison to traditional American (referring to USA) movies where they’re like zombie apocalypse three years later? Ha here’s a gun fend for yourself mate. There’s also no army presence in this movie either. As in, the only army we see are some zombies from the local army base. None of that “the army’s coming to save you trope” (if you would like to know how this movie has a happy ending without army intervention, it will be near the end of the spoiler section).
Also, these kits are so interesting. There’s a poster with the symptom list, a mouth guard, an epipen looking thing that’s uh... if you watch it you’ll see. AND!! My favourite part: the countdown fitbit.
Zombie countdown fitbit! (Picture: A white watch-bracelet with a 48-hour countdown timer on it. It’s on a woman’s wrist. There’s blood on her sleeve, her hand, and a towel underneath her hand. You can see her simple wedding ring on her finger.)
In terms of the name for the zombies, I don’t recall anyone calling them “zombies,” and Thoomi (Simone Landers) calls them “ghosts.” Now, if you’ve read my hill to die on post, I basically have a thing about people making up arbitrary names for zombies because like it literally doesn’t make sense and they don’t do it with other supernatural things like vampires, but, Cargo gets an exception because it makes sense.
Okay, so, if you’ve learnt a little about Australian history, you’d know that Aboriginal people referred to the white colonisers as “ghosts” (for obvious reasons), ergo, it makes total sense for these zombies to also be called ghosts. They’re literally people without souls haunting the land. Therefore, the name “ghosts” isn’t arbitrary - it’s culturally significant and it makes sense.
Now, spoiler time for the plot!
The plot involves Andy traversing and meeting several people in order to try and find someone to look after his daughter. I won’t actually say too much more, I’m just going to do some pictures with some key takes to try and incentivise you to watch it.
The movie is rated MA15+, but I think that’s mostly just for the gore. There is a little violence towards the end but it’s mostly silhouetted so you don’t see anything.
The literal embodiment of “wanna go, mate?” (Picture: A dad wearing a flannel shirt and jeans is discreetly holding a gun he’s just pulled from the front of his jeans, showing it to the camera. Behind him is his wife and kids, who are having a birthday party. There are pink, yellow and green balloons.)
That’s so smart what the heck. (Picture: Thoomi is using tree sap to stick leaves to the soles of her shoes. Presumably it’s to be both quiet from the zombies, and to stop her leaving footprints that can be tracked.)
Hahahaha nope nope nope nope. (First picture: Below deck on a small yacht. There’s wooden panels that presumably make up a wall, with a fire extinguisher next to it. Andy is off to the side in the foreground, looking down at what he’s doing. Second picture: There’s a small gap as the wooden panels open up. It is not in fact a wall, but a door. Andy suddenly looks up at the sound.)
But are you sure sure, tho? (Picture: Andy talking to Kay after being on the yacht in the aforementioned pictures. Kay asks, “You sure it was safe?” and Andy assures her, “Safe.” Sir, did you not see the wooden panels open?)
That is not baby safe! It’s a coat hanger with fishing lines! It’s the exact opposite of a baby safe toy! (Picture: There’s a crashed car in the background. Andy is standing to the side, only his hand and the top part of his leg are in frame. His hand is covered in blood. The camera is focused on baby Rosie, who’s wearing a bucket hat and is sitting in her little baby-carrying backpack that Andy wears to carry her around. Rosie is sucking on a baby toy made of a bent, blue coat hanger, decorated with fishing lines and plastic fish baits.)
Sad noises :’( Also, why is Mommy spelt like that this is an Aussie film, it should be “Mummy.” (Picture: Andy holding Rosie in her baby-carrying backpack. The caption says, “I can smell Mommy too.” Mummy is spelt the American way for some reason.)
Racist prick (the guy in the middle). (Picture: Andy and Vic (Anthony Hayes), a random stranger he just found, are standing in front of a cage. From left to right, Vic’s car is in the background. Andy is standing next to a radio playing a song - the caption reads the song lyrics as “A crazy thing.” Vic is dancing along next to him. A white bucket full of blood is next to Vic. Inside the cage is the Clever Man (David Gulpilil). Vic has trapped him to use as zombie bait.)
It’s like a carrot on a stick for a minecraft pig!! 10/10 smarts. (Picture: Thoomi and Rosie ride on a zombie-fied Andy’s back. Thoomi holds out a stick with some meat on the end to steer Andy. Andy’s hands are bound and he has a mouthguard in.)
I take back everything I said about this baby toy. (Picture: Rosie’s baby toy tied onto a branch. A beautiful blue sky is in the background.)
Final things to say, I really liked Etta and Lorraine. Lorraine really got screwed over.
There are mentions to fracking poisoning the land, and I know I’m going to go to my own research on it. I won’t talk about it here because I’m just looking at the movie and I’m also not qualified to discuss the issue.
Also the ending is brilliant. The local Aboriginal peoples having their land and traditions and community and I know I’m not doing it any justice, but Cargo is a very considered Australian zombie movie, with Aboriginal peoples being very included. I apologise for not being able to phrase that better - just go watch it.
Lastly, I was doing some quick research to find out if any Aboriginal people directed Cargo or worked on the screenplay - I haven’t found anything yet, but I did find that this was adapted from the directors’ short film by the same name, so I’m off to watch that now.
Have a great night/day/morning/afternoon, and seriously go watch Cargo! (In Australia it’s on Netflix if that helps!)
Karen from the health desk. (Picture: A female news anchor, Karen from the health desk.)
Language warning (sorry kids, but this is an MA15+ movie).
I shit you not, that’s one of the opening quotes of the movies. So, friends and enemies, welcome to the longest review I’ve done of a zombie movie yet. It’s 1:35am here in Australia and I’ve just finished rewatching I Am Legend, everything’s fresh in my mind and I’m hyped up on chocolate.
This movie has incredible tension, a fresh take on the zombie apocalypse, and it’s based on the 1954 novel by Richard Matherson, which inspired the modern day vampire and zombie movies. Why you may ask? Because it popularised the concept of a worldwide apocalypse due to a disease... now I’m beginning to realise that watching zombie movies during a global pandemic maybe wasn’t the best idea I’ve ever had. Any who.
YouTube rewind made me forget how bloody good of an actor Will Smith is, and boy does he deliver in this movie. Robert’s (that his character, btw, though I will probably end up just referring to the character as Will Smith) interactions with Sam the goodest girl in the world (she’s a dog) and the mannequins is incredible.
The goodest girl in the world. (Picture: A dog (I’m sorry - I don’t know dog breeds! I’m 99% sure she’s a German Shepard) being given a bath and head scratches by Will Smith.)
Now: three things to look forward to in this “review” (assuming you read the spoilery section below). One: how realistic is this apocalypse? Two: there’s a dog. Three: zombie vampires. Vampire zombies?
Backgrounds details! (Picture: Will Smith opened the fridge. On the fridge door are photos of his wife and daughter, a calendar dated for December, a drawing with “Marley” written in kids handwriting, post-it notes, a pamphlet with the heading “Quarantine”, and a Time Magazine cover of Robert Neville (Will Smith). The title reads (heading) “Saviour?” (sub-heading) “Soldier, Scientist” (body of text) “In a Battle that Could Save Thousands of Lives, Lt. Col. Robert Neville Takes on the XV Virus.”
Also, there’s banging in my house at the moment and when I say I’m peaking. I’m going to need to listen to some music while I write this.
Read on for a fun time! Spoilers ahoy!
Realism (the really relevant part. Yikes)
Okay, so what’s this fresh take on the apocalypse? Basically, this doctor cures cancer and it all goes to shit from there. I’m not 100% on the logistical jump from “destroying cancer cells” to “humans (and animals) becoming bloodthirsty mutants that burn in the sun” - for instance, this is just my sci-fi high-school biology and physics brain working here, cancer is basically a rogue cell that mutates other cells and destroys them in the process, yeah? So if the doctor, like she said, uses these cancer cells to work for the body and in the process “cures” cancer, wouldn’t the humans just... infect each other and the virus would kill the host if it went south? Given, that did happen in like 90% of cases as Will Smith explains, but where does the sunlight allergy come in? Is cancer afraid of UV? Confused, but I digress.
... Is that my queen, Missy, from Umbrella Academy? (Picture: A woman with blood leaking from her eyes, holding a child and shouting for help.)
The scene where they’re listening to the radio and the guy is like we’re “issuing a military quarantine of New York City” I’m like bitch you wish. Unrealistic. The USA currently (9/10/2020) has the highest cases of COVID-19 in the world (for future historians and poor school children, it’s at 7.68 MILLION cases, no statistic for recovered cases for some weird ass reason, and sadly, 212,000 deaths. For reference, here in Australia we’ve had as of today 27,206 cases, 24,807 recovered and 897 deaths. New Zealand, who went into hard lockdown, had as of today, 1,864 cases, 1,800 recovered, and 25 deaths, with a period where there were 0 new cases for several days.)
Though, with that in mind, everyone going outside and gathering in large crowds? Realistic.
The actual movie part
Praises time! Will Smith has a stockpile of food. Also, him getting Sam (the dog) to eat her vegetables like she’s a little kid? Cutest thing ever.
Stockpilesss. (Picture: Will Smith wearing an apron and preparing a meal in a kitchen chock full of food items, including things like Pringles and spaghetti sauce.)
Setting alarms on his watch for sunset? Brilliant, smart idea, fantastic. Re-enforced windows and door, AND booby-trapped house? Incredible, genius. Setting traps to catch the zomvamps? (like the dumb name I just came up with? Don’t worry, I’ll reveal the stupid arbitrary name they ACTUALLY came up with later) Talent, intelligence.
Dude, why wouldn’t you restrain the head/chest? You know, the part that can bite you? (Picture: Will Smith in a lab coat standing over a female zombie-vampire who’s been secured to a metal bench by the wrists and ankles. Medical monitors are connected to her.)
Now, Will Smith is out here looking for a cure. And by looking, I mean actively creating. In a lab. He washes his hands before going in - *chef’s kiss* follow his example - and unlike other zombie movies where it’s super dramatic in the hunt for a cure, this is a lot more chill considering it’s a) been 3 years and b) is more like how science actually works. Trials, tests, animal test-subjects (there is a debate about the ethics of this which I won’t go into here) (I mean a debate in real life not in the zombie movie haha) and human test-subjects.
“Did you kidnap my girlfriend, bro?” (Picture: bald, pale muscular dude-bro-looking zombie-vampire roaring in rage.)
The mother-fracking zombies
I have to say it: these are the most dumbass looking vampire-zombies. I say vampire-zombies (zomvamps) because they avoid sunlight but also eat people?
Now, unlike most zombie movies, these are really bloody intelligent zomvamps. At one point, after setting a booby trap and catching a zomvamp after stumbling into a nest of them, Robert says “They’re not showing any human social behaviour.” Hahahaha. Okay bitch first of all dude bro screamed when you kidnapped his mate, secondly dude bro has pet dogs, thirdly dude bro fucking caught you in a trap. He took revenge on you there, love. He followed you home!
The zomvamps are apex predators, can climb, run, hunt in packs, communicate with each other, set booby traps, make coordinated attacks, follow you home, learn where you live and remember it, and holy fuck humans had no chance.
Thank you for clarifying, because I actually found this quite funny. Like, look at him! (Picture: dude-bro zombie-vampire from earlier growling in front of a flaming car. The zombie-vampires are very CGI, pale, fish-person looking things with pale skin and completely bald of hair. This guy is wearing ripped clothes. The caption reads “Growls menacingly”.)
Random things I have in my notes but haven’t mentioned yet (yes I took notes)
What’s with the apocalypse and mannequins? Looking at you, Five (Umbrella Academy).
(Picture: Will Smith looking at a “female” mannequin, who is dressed in a coat and black bob wig. They’re in a movie store. Funnily enough, behind the mannequin is the “Adult” section of the films.)
I agree with the fuck-that-shit sentiment when you see a mannequin suddenly appear in a different part of the city - like how in the hell??
(Picture: Will Smith aiming a rifle at a mannequin in an orange jumper. Mannequin is usually located outside of the movie store, yet here it is randomly in the middle of the street at the end of a T-section. There are tall glass windows behind the mannequin, and the window to the right has a giant, gaping pitch black hole in it. It’s presumed that there is a nest of zombie-vampires in there.)
... so is this a booby trap for humans or for zomvamps? Because the former makes sense if that dude bro zomvamp analysed Will Smith’s trap from earlier and remade it (hence dropped the car off a bridge to string him up), and the latter doesn’t really make sense because a) you’ll only catch (and probably kill) one zomvamp and why would you want only one unless you’re Robert and two why tf aren’t you meeting up with Robert he’s been broadcasting and racing around town hunting deer (elk?) in a sports car.
I’d like to know how hard it actually is to do like a weird sit-up and get yourself free of one of these kinds of traps. Am I dumb for thinking it’s not that hard? (Picture: Will Smith is suspended in the air by a rope tied around his ankle, the result of a booby-trap. He’s struggling to free himself.)
Come on, you’re literally a doctor and a soldier. Don’t tell me you’re actually considering pulling that out? (Picture: Will Smith has been impaled in the leg by something. It looks like he’s about to attempt to pull it out. He’s in the middle of the street as the sun sets, and Sam is right next to him.)
Sam is a queen. Here are some photos of her.
(Picture: Robert Neville’s wife carrying a baby Sam - Sam is a puppy, by the way, and very adorable. Neville’s young daughter is walking out of the gate to their house behind her mother.)
(Picture: Will Smith in a flashback saying goodbye to his wife and daughter and crying. Sam is licking away his tears.)
Sometimes I hate foreshadowing. (Picture: Will Smith searching a house. He opens a cupboard and there’s a newspaper article with a picture of a zombie-vampire dog. The article reads “Infected dogs can come out at dusk. Stay in the light.” There’s a number to call for questions.)
Worst birthday ever. Now I’m sad and there’s still half the movie left.
(Picture: Will Smith sitting on the floor of his lab, hugging Sam, who’s just been bitten by infected dogs.)
Get Shrek’d.
(Picture: The ‘Shrek’ movie playing on the TV in Neville’s house.)
Ma’am, do you not know how to ration? That is such a waste of food. (Picture: the woman and kid who rescued Will Smith have cooked breakfast. She’s cooked way too many scrambled eggs for two adults and a kid, and all the of the bacon for literally no reason.)
Oh yeah, wanna know what they call the zombies in this movie?
Dark Seekers. They dropped that one on us well into the final half of the movie. Dark Seekers? Really? I won’t get into how dumb that sounds when you had two options to choose from - vampires and zombies. Hell, go with my suggestion of zomvamps, even vampzoms. Dark Seekers? Sorry, I get hung up on dumb zombie-alternative names. Sure, I get the atmosphere might be ruined by calling them vampires or zombies, but not even lying I didn’t realise she said “Dark Seekers” until I turned the CC on to grab a quote. I thought she said “Dog Keepers” hahahaha. “The dog keepers got them.” My defence is that the dude bro did keep dogs.
Finally, wrapping this up at 2:15 before I add in pictures, you’re telling me approximately 100 zomvamps made a coordinated attack on Will Smith’s house to eat... 3 people? That’s like me and a hundred mates descending on the pentagon for a fucking snickers bar. We’d get like an atom each.
Oh, what’s that? They’re here to rescue one person? Really? Really? How in the fuck are they even zombies if their primary purpose isn’t to eat humans. I’m disappointed. But points for a fresh take, at least.
Now one of the things I remember about this movie is that is has an alternate ending. The actual ending (huge spoilers but then again, you’re in the spoiler section) has Will Smith sacrifice himself (read: blow himself and the zomvamps up with a grenade) to defend the cure and save his new friends. The alternate ending, which was scrapped due to negative audience reaction, has Will Smith communicate with the zomvamps who like actually calm down and listen to him. He gives the dude bro back his friend, and... no one dies.
I’m sorry, how is an ending where, sure, a cure isn’t found YET, but, the “villains” of the movie are humanised and a new side of them is seen that shows, hey, maybe there’s another way through this apocalypse, better than an ending where Will Smith dies? Make it make sense test audience. Because, remember, there’s still a whole bunch of immune people living out here, and three of them are currently in the same room. Robert’s only been working on the cure for 3 years. How many years do you reckon it takes to cure cancer? Hint: it’s ongoing in real life. Just because the cure isn’t found in the movie doesn’t mean it won’t be found. Ughhhh. I digress again.
I have more random photos but I am very tired. If anyone’s interested in hearing me roast butterflies, the world not actually ending in 2012, and a missed pun about Until Dawn (even though it was made like ten years after this), and a quick analysis on Robert Neville and God, let me know :)
Have a great day everyone, wash your hands, social distance if possible, and quarantine. Just because the COVID-19 virus isn’t turning us into zombies doesn’t mean it isn’t hurting us.
Worldwide statistics, 9/10/2020: 36.2M total cases, 25.3M recovered, 1.06M deaths.
(Picture: Will Smith saying “I like ‘Shrek’ after just quoting an entire scene of it to win a kid’s trust.)
Groundhog day but with zombies and Chekhov’s flowers
Welcome to an incredibly biased “review” rewritten at 1am.
I’ll apologise in advance: this is going to be the sparknotes version of my original “review” because I wrote the review last week and saved it to my queue, but when I posted it just then it posted with just the title and the tags. The entire body of text got deleted. Ughhhh (my zombie impersonation). Also apologies to anyone using assisted reading, when I try to annotate the pictures tumblr deletes the entire post again. I’ll put in a brief image description under each photo and hopefully that will work.
Let’s get rolling, Shaun of the Dead is considered a comedy zombie movie, chock-full of British humour. I think the first time I watched it I thought it was pretty funny, and yeah I did laugh a couple times but the magic has worn off a little. I think I used to consider this one of the best zombie movies, but then I watched Train to Busan and #Alive and wellll...
One of the things this movie is brilliant for is background details. Like the details. If you love spotting that sort of thing - a bloody handprint, smashed glass, everything just casually thrown in the background - you’ll love this.
Just a quick glance at some newspapers - nothing to see here. (Picture: Newspapers in a convenience store with headlines such as “Mutilated Remains”, “GM crops blamed”, “New Super-Flu Scares Public” and my favourite, “Havoc”.)
The opening conversation is humorous and sets up the stakes fairly well, and they put a spin on the whole “talking about someone behind their back thing” which was great to see.
Love having a conversation about someone else and the someone else is sitting right there. (Picture: Shaun and Liz having drinks together while Liz’s roommates Dianne and David sit next to them.)
The comparisons between people acting like zombies then people actually becoming zombies is *chef’s kiss*, and Shaun (Simon Pegg) starts off in a state of obliviousness that I aspire to achieve.
Missing very obvious things is a mood. (Picture: Shaun in his work uniform opening the fridge at a convenience store to get a drink, completely oblivious to the two bloody handprints on the glass of the open fridge door.)
The ending of the movie also puts a spin on the zombie genre, and is a genuinely interesting idea. Talking about the end of the movie, I have two gripes with Shaun of the Dead:
The first is the completely unnecessary use of a slur, and I say it’s unnecessary because it’s half played off as a “cringey” thing that a friend says and also this is a zombie movie there really is no need for that word to be thrown in here. Trust me, there’s a million cringey things a friend could say that doesn’t involve a slur. Also, the fact that this movie was made in 2004 doesn’t excuse it at all - the word was 100% a slur then, and is still one now. I won’t lie, when that line was said any magic the comedy of the movie still had completely died and I started tuning out and going on my phone at the most climactic part of the movie.
The second is Dianne. Dianne (Lucy Davis) is a fantastic character, and also an intelligent one. She literally analyses how zombies move and teaches it to everyone else. Hello?? So (major spoilers here) the way they just threw away her character at the end really ticked me off. Dianne had literally just had a conversation with David (Dylan Moran) about how she knows he’s only really with her because he likes Liz (Kate Ashfield) and she’s accepted that, and she also tells David off when he goes to open the door, telling him “That’s a very silly thing to do.” So why. In the hell. Would Dianne. Throw open the door to the zombies and run off screaming for David after he got pulled out the window. IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. She watched him get torn to shreds and she knows he’s irrevocably, irreversibly dead, and I’m going to point out the she’s intelligent thing from earlier, so how on Earth does her screaming after David as if he’s still alive make sense? And she know’s opening the door is “a silly thing to do” she’s the one who said it!! Frustrating.
The best hype girls. (Picture: Liz and Dianne cheering and super excited. They’re in someone’s backyard with a kid’s play set in the background.)
All in all, this (in my biased opinion) is a slightly above average zombie movie, and gets points for making me laugh and loses points for the aforementioned gripes.
The shadow in the background agrees. (Picture: Ed (Nick Frost) scoffing and saying “It’s not the end of the world.” In the background is the frosted window of the pub door, and a streetlight has cast a silhouette of a person banging on the glass.)
I am in physical pain the post I spent two hours writing and saved to my queue last week thinking I was on top of things completely deleted the body of text when I posted it. As in, my entire review got deleted. Great.
Apparently I made it 59 minutes into the 112 minute film.
It had to watch this bit by bit at a time, and I'd love to say it's because the atmosphere was so tense, but I think it's just because the pacing was so slow.
Because I was in a constant state of suspense with no payoff or release (insert innuendo here) I literally couldn't sit down and watch this all at once. Or in two parts. Or in three. I just never finished it, then Netflix took it off its site (in Australia, at least).
I didn't trust a single character, which should have been a good thing since the moral of every zombie movie is basically "humans are the monsters you actually need to fear" but for a movie with such a meh tone to it, it means I'm not invested. At all. I don’t even think I trusted the protagonist (what happened to your baby?! Your husband?! Also I’m not looking up the plot because I don’t want to be spoiled which is ironic/dumb considering I’m “reviewing” it, I know)
As much as I would love to say a little more about this movie, all I can remember (since I sadly can’t rewatch it, or finish watching it - thanks Netflix) is mud, camping, masks (wear a mask, people) and a baby and husband who, alarmingly, aren’t here.
See! Mud! Or was it... excrement oh my god was it excrement?!
Okay, I will admit, I think I was shitting myself in this scene. This was the most tense bit of the movie (that I watched) and from what I remember there was... no payoff?
Let’s get rock and rollin’ with the most recent zombie movie I watched, #Alive.
Okay, so, I might have started crying only 30 minutes into the movie, and then cried a further two times before it ended. It was very emotional, and poignant, and a perfect example of a modern day zombie movie.
Joon-woo’s smile is one of the sweetest parts of this movie
Our protagonist, Oh Joon-woo (Yoo Ah-in), immediately get zombie-movie points for staying inside his apartment and actually rationing out his food. He doesn’t do the dumb trope of leaving to investigate what’s going on outside, he listens to what his parents tell him - survive - and he doesn’t make any pointless dumb decisions.
Look at him rationing out his food!!
I love a zombie movie where I’m not screaming at the screen because the protagonist is making dumb choices, and this is that.
Light spoilers ahoy!
#Alive is what a realistic zombie apocalypse in the modern day would look like, and the characters do exactly what I would do - he rations out his food. Like he actually rations it out ten points my dude. He stays locked in his home. He doesn't try to leave to find his family because he knows he'll die if he does.
This is why we don’t go outside, peeps.
Now, my dumbass brain that's been trained by Western zombie movies (that is, zombie movies produced by Western countries such as the USA and Britain, not cowboy zombies) expected them to push the tension and drama of "he's going to need to leave when he runs out of food." But they didn't, and you know what, I can totally respect that. I know that if that were me I too would starve myself to death before leaving in a futile attempt to find food. Literally as I was watching the movie I kept saying to the protagonist through the screen: "Three weeks without food. That's how long the human body can survive for.” Now obviously when the water ran out there was a problem because the human body can only survive three days without water, so fortunately for these guys it rained.
(If this were in Australia we'd straight up die of thirst because rain? Who is she? Raining regularly? Oof I wish.)
The concept of the zombies having muscle memory is fantastic and terrifying because I was thinking "oh good thing zombies can't climb" and the movie straight up said fucking sike.
To wrap up this review (is this even technically a review??) I’d also like to award points for the best character intro in a zombie movie - saving someone from death then calling the person you just saved an idiot.
We love Kim Yoo-bin (Park Shin-hye) she’s incredible.
Now, I have a long-running theory that in real life, in a realistic setting, the people most likely to survive a zombie apocalypse are the ones who call the zombies zombies. You literally don't understand how many people try and put a spin on this subgenre by calling them - clearing my throat here - walkers, runners, infected, diseased, undead, shamblers (looking at you, the Last of Us), biters, lurkers, floaters (??), demons (???), reanimated, living corpses, etc. etc. I'm sorry, but this is my hill to die on: call a spade a spade, they're zombies.
For comparison’s sake, I'm going to bring up vampires. Twilight? Vampires. The Vampire Academy? In its title: Vampires. Vampire Diaries? Hmm, gee I wonder. It’s vampires. My Babysitter is a Vampire? Vampires. Empire of the Vampire (Jay Kristoff, 2021)? Vampires. Literally every piece of literature about vampires? Vampires. Sure, they might be called "bloodsuckers," but that's more of an adjective than anything because if Bella Swan said “I know what you are - a Bloodsucker”, Edward would’ve probably have said “well that’s bloody rude” (ha, see what I did there? Bloody?).
Tldr; Vampires are vampires, zombies are zombies.
With that being said, in my zombie movie reviews (if I can even call them that) over the next month, any movie that comes up with an arbitrary name automatically gets deducted arbitrary points :)
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