teddy

he/him, 20, english :)

[genericpuff]

husband just reminded me of that time years ago when we were running a co-op farm in stardew valley

after we got married in-game it did the thing it does and asked us if we wanted to have a baby

we were like yeah sure why not, we're not having kids irl so may as well have a cute lil' virtual baby that costs us nothing and we can turn into a dove at any time

like the very next day we got that super rare 0.8% chance event that we had NO CLUE ABOUT where a freaking alien capsule drops on your farm in the middle of the night and the next day it's like shattered and whatever was inside is running loose

and we just froze and looked at each other like "??? is this our baby???" 😭😔

[onyxbird]

#congratulations mrs and mr kent [tag by @gremlinbehaviour]

[vsingers]

new favorite tweet

[moonybear]

op i hope you know about the guy on r/kitchenconfidential

[lyrifaun]

This is me though. Like actually.

For my birthday a few years back, my girl fulfilled a lifelong dream of mine— she purchased whole giant sashimi-grade chunks of salmon for me to "eat with my hands and face like a bear." That was the exact wish I expressed and wanted ever since I was a penniless 18 year old staring longingly at sushi counters.

I was delighted, it was so deeply satisfying and very delicious. You absolutely MUST eat it with your face and hands. No utensils. Just chomp out of the hunk.

She did it again for me this Valentine’s Day and doubled it up this time. I love her so much. She has a video somewhere of me happy and talking about how much I love life while chomping into and conversationally gesturing with a giant chunk of fishflesh as she watched in awestruck and vaguely charmed horror.

[lastoneout]

[innerchildabortionclinic]

Smeeped to meet you...

[dogpuppy]

[princecroutons]

does croutons know how to count to 4

his mind is unburdened by the concept of basically everything

[parakeet]

#MyCoin

[evilscientist3]

Theyre called draculas because they drank u. La

[jame7t]

Did anyone else hear just one single angelic note

[fatestayyuri]

whenever you ask your friend who’s really into JPEGs “hey which one do i start with is the newest one fine” they always go "no start with rudy time"

[kurgy]

wheres seasons greasons

[kurgy]

[kurgy]

its that time of year again

[theangriestlittleunicorn]

It doesn’t have to be

[kurgy]

its not optional

[onomatopussy]

[onomatopussy]

There was a time when making a joke about double penetration by way of hermetic principle woulda done numbers on this website.

Tough crowd.

[agwhaan]

van gogh wasn't appreciated in his time either

[because-im-freaking-greed]

Op, I'm sorry, but you sext like a homestuck character

[onomatopussy]

How fucking dare you.

[communalwife]

[famouspeoplewearinghockeyjerseys]

The cameraman of Obama's speech announcing Bin Laden's death wearing an Ovechkin jersey

[psychotic-gerard]

i love Tumblr sincerely where will you get a website where you talk about the dangers of opiate addiction and have someone response with this

[vintagewildlife]

Gull inspecting two fake eggs and deciding to incubate the larger one By: Thomas D. McAvoy From: Life Nature Library: Animal Behavior 1965

[abyssalcaptain]

[willgrahamscock]

Oh man, you like Hannibal and Interview with the Vampire? You should check out Therapy next.

[willgrahamscock]

you come into MY house… to bully Me

[cannibalcaprine2]

trips and falls and i just dont get up after

[catchymemes]

[draconym]

My elderly neighbor joked the other day that he needed a lawn flamingo like the ones in my yard. Little did he know my housemate and I would buy a matching pair of very large flamingos for both our lawns.

I'm gonna put one on his lawn and see how long it takes him to notice.

[draconym]

He has noticed the mingo

[draconym]

He called me on the phone to ask if I knew where the beautiful pink swan that was in his yard this morning had gone. I was working in the garden at the time and I looked over into his yard and informed him that it was still there but the wind had blown it over. He came outside and wanted to pay me for it but I said he had to pay me in pancakes.

[draconym]

Both of our flamingos have been bleaching in the sun all summer and have become more of a shell pink color. The other day I took it upon myself to uproot my neighbor's flamingo and spray paint it bright pink again. Later in the day I got a phone call saying "SOMEONE has vandalized my swan and painted it pink" and I said "that was me, do you want me to do your plants too" and he laughed and said "I'm calling the police"